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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To bring my baby to the wedding?

70 replies

SusanOfStoHelit · 19/04/2015 06:04

Sorry, I know that variations on this theme pop up on this all the time, but:

My cousin is getting married in the fall. We live about a 12 hour drive / 1.5 hour plane ride away from them. The wedding is on a tiny island, so guests will be staying the night in camping-style cabins and going home the next day.
I have a baby who will be 11 months old. I'm not comfortable leaving him behind to go to the wedding, so when my aunt asked whether I was coming, I said I'd like to come if I could, but wasn't sure how the bride and groom felt about babies at a wedding. She suggested, and I agreed to, childcare on the island, but that fell through, so she said that I could keep him with me, and just leave early if he gets antsy. Fine by me.

I talked to my dad this morning, and he told me that cousin's family had been adamant about not wanting children at the wedding. I've asked dad to clarify with my aunt and let her know that I'm totally fine if they want to have a kid-free wedding, I just won't be able to attend.
My question: I'm assuming that my aunt felt uncomfortable saying "no kids" when I asked. I did try to stress that it wasn't a problem to have a no kids policy, I just wouldn't be able to come. So, is there a way I could have worded my inquiry that would have made it easier for her to say no? Brides, have you felt uncomfortable fielding questions from family in similar circumstances?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 19/04/2015 11:24

Decline.

NameChange30 · 19/04/2015 11:25

Problem is though her dad says one thing and her aunt said another. Only person who can confirm for sure is the bride. And she isn't replying. So I say the OP should do what she wants or not go.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 19/04/2015 11:29

I'd care. Particularly if the baby then cried all the way through the ceremony and parents refused to take them out. I've been to too many weddings where that has happened.
We had said that PIL's friends could come to evening do for our wedding and they secretly swapped two of their friends for two daytime guests who couldn't come. I was really pissed off on the day when they turned up.
And they can invite who ever they want - they're paying. If they want to specify just one child they can, OP's already said they're not that close.

AuntieStella · 19/04/2015 11:31

"There wasn't anything on the wedding invite about no kids"

Do you mean that your DC's named was on the invitation? Because if so, then I can see why you are so confused.

(And, following a comment by a previous poster, there is no 'exception' for babes in arms unless the hosts have said so).

NameChange30 · 19/04/2015 11:32

OP could take her baby though. Just because some people don't doesn't me she wouldn't.

And your PILs were cheeky but that has nothing to do with this.

I think everyone is reading too much into this, the important thing is what the bride wants, and it sounds like the OP will respect that, she just wants to check with the bride as it's not clear.

NameChange30 · 19/04/2015 11:33

Meant "OP could take her baby out though" (ie during ceremony if baby is crying)

Fairenuff · 19/04/2015 11:37

With respect, OP, there is no point asking a load of strangers on the internet who are obviously all going to have different opinions. Get the bride's number, phone her and ask her.

Then come back and let us know what she said

maliaki · 19/04/2015 11:41

I disagree on going. The aunt may have said one thing but OPs dad and the rest of the family are saying another. Add into that the child wasn't invited and the B&G aren't replying...OP needs to err on the side of caution or else it could be very very uncomfortable for her.

It's clear that the OP has asked several times and barring one aunt who was in no position to make concessions, the rest of the family has said 'no kids except ones they invite'.

Add to that the fact OP isn't that bothered about going- decline.

maliaki · 19/04/2015 11:44

Fairenuff I wonder if the OP is avoiding because of the lack of reply to her messages, she's probably nervous about pissing off or stressing out. But equally, the OP could do without the expense and stress herself so if the B&G do insist on her DC coming...she'll feel obliged to go.

It would be simplest though to ask.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 19/04/2015 12:19

My point about PILs is that it's not true to say the bride will be so busy on the day it will probably be the last thing on her mind.

Fairenuff · 19/04/2015 12:25

Well, she's not going to find out from us, is she, so she is going to have to ask the person who actually has the answer.

NameChange30 · 19/04/2015 12:25

That wasn't what I said. My point wasn't that it probably won't matter hugely to the bride and groom.

Presumably what your PILs did annoyed you but didn't spoil your wedding day?! That's what I'm getting at.

There were small things that didn't go to plan on my wedding day but they didn't ruin it. It was still one of the happiest days of my life

NameChange30 · 19/04/2015 12:26

My point was (not wasn't) argh!

Viviennemary · 19/04/2015 12:39

If you asked the bride and she hasn't bothered to reply then that was rude if you are sure you got the message. But on the other hand it is awkward to refuse if somebody asks directly so that might be the reason for her silence. I agree that the aunt has no right to say whether your baby can come or not. Don't think I'd go under the circumstances.

Original poster

SusanOfStoHelit · 19/04/2015 12:48

Well, the aunt in question is the mother of my cousin and is involved in planning the wedding, so I had assumed that she'd know her daughter's wishes. I won't go then unless I get confirmation from the bride that it's okay to bring him. Thanks all.

OP posts:

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 19/04/2015 12:49

I'd decline and not go.

That said, we're taking DD (12 months) to a wedding that I think is intended to be child-free, but we've checked with the groom who has said it's fine. If the bride hasn't responded, I'd take that as a (rude) 'no' and wouldn't go.

maliaki · 19/04/2015 12:56

SusanOfStoHelit My DMs opinions on who should come to our wedding was different from ours, she was upset to later learn this. Same thing happened with friend's Dparents, they invited some of their friends and their DC just assuming that it was okay but it really wasn't.

Lavenderice · 19/04/2015 13:19

I'm confused, was your son's name on the invitation?

JohnCusacksWife · 19/04/2015 13:46

If your son's name is on the invitation he's invited, if it's not he's not. It's really quite simple.....

RyanAirVeteran · 19/04/2015 15:17

My oldest friend would not come to my wedding because she was breastfeeding, her Mother told me that the baby took breast milk in a bottle quite happily and told me she would mind the baby.

Said friend, (think lentil weaver) insisted that she couldn't possibly do that and eventually declined.

The friendship limped on for a few years and I now no longer see her.

I have however heard on the grapevine that her eldest is getting married and lentil weaving friend is horrified that people are trying to add their children to the adult invites.

Karma is a bitch.

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