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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask your opinion - moral/ethical dilemma

64 replies

Havingamoraldilemma · 18/04/2015 23:09

Nc lurker who occasionally posts - can't ask anyone in RL about this.

When I was 15 a teacher groomed me into a physical relationship with them. I know I was not the only one he did this to. It was short lived but I have always regretted not speaking up at the time. Since all the press coverage of similar cases I have wrestled with blowing the whistle but for various reasons have never done anything about it, other than confirm through publicly available register of teachers that he is no longer teaching.

However, curiosity has got the better of me recently and through some basic googling I have learnt where he now lives and works. As part of this I've seen that he now has a child so is therefore in regular contact with children I'm guessing.

I have started to dream about whistle blowing on him but while I know this is probably the most correct course of action, I just can't do it at this point (MH issues with close relatives who are likely to require inpatient care). WIBU to send an anonymous letter to his partner (joint business, address etc on Facebook) with basic details to allow her to make up her own mind? I hate to think he may at some point have access to other youngsters in this way

OP posts:

ImNameyChangey · 18/04/2015 23:13

Yes YABU.

You need counseling to help you get to the place where you can report.

SirVixofVixHall · 18/04/2015 23:15

I think the anonymous letter to his wife is a really bad idea. She won't believe you anyway, and it seems underhand and spiteful. (Please don't think I am undermining what you experienced in saying that). I think if you are going to tackle this then you do need to go to the police. And only you can decide if you are able to do that, at any point. I am sorry that you were manipulated and abused by this man and I hope that you can find a course of action that you feel you can cope with. .

ilovesooty · 18/04/2015 23:17

I really wouldn't do this. I also think you should seek therapy to enable you to report through the proper channels.

GiantHulkHands · 18/04/2015 23:18

I don't think contacting his parter via Facebook or any other route would be helpful because she may not believe you / may consider you a crack pot / assume you're vindictive etc

I think you should get counselling to properly address what happened to you and I also think you should contact the police.

Original poster

Havingamoraldilemma · 18/04/2015 23:19

I would be quite happy to report through normal channels apart from the impact it would have on an already struggling relative I do realise that sounds like an excuse...

OP posts:

noblegiraffe · 18/04/2015 23:20

I'd have thought an anonymous letter would end up dismissed as some sort of poison pen thing, and not protect anyone. You need to report this to the police, if he did it to other children too, then they may have other reports and be able to build a case. Therapy to enable you to do this sounds like a good idea.

GiantHulkHands · 18/04/2015 23:28

Okay, lets say you go down the anonymous letter route.

What do you think will happen?

Do you think his partner will confront him, he will confess all, she will refuse to let him have contact with their child / other children and will also be vigilant in ensuring he has little contact with other children for the rest of his life?

I'm not trying to be flippant and I appreciate this is difficult for you.

Original poster

Havingamoraldilemma · 18/04/2015 23:31

It's ok Giant, I know that is most unlikely! I just hate feeling like a bit of a bystander to history potentially repeating itself.

OP posts:

PeppermintCrayon · 18/04/2015 23:35

I would strongly recommend you don't do anything without talking it through with a counsellor - you can't anticipate how you will feel or how it will affect you.

If you do it want to act I think a better idea would be to make an anonymous call to the NSPCC or your local safeguarding board.

PeppermintCrayon · 18/04/2015 23:37

PS is this a relative of yours? Why would it have an impact on them?

If you report this kind of crime you are kept anonymous. Your name will not appear anywhere public.

GiantHulkHands · 18/04/2015 23:38

I see why you feel that way, it must be awful. I don't know how much care is involved with your relatives and I also don't know how much time an investigation into the matters you have referred to would take if the police were to become involved.

It's a big responsibility knowing that you may be in a position to protect children from being abused the way you were. I don't know how to do the flower emoji but if I did I would put it right here -

Original poster

Havingamoraldilemma · 19/04/2015 02:16

Peppermint - it would have an impact on them due to them unknowingly facilitating contact out of school time by allowing me to go to extra sporting activities he ran and during which the grooming process took place. I know they would blame themselves and don't think they are strong enough to deal with it.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 19/04/2015 03:03

Unfortunately, if you did go down the anonymous letter route, there is no guarantee that it would not be traced back to you. This might have a worse impact on your relative than if you reported your abuser to the police.
The current political and social climate is for people who report abuse to be supported and believed, but anonymous accusations are still going to be regarded with suspicion.

I'm sorry this individual mistreated you. I think you would benefit from professional support. I understand that you want to see this person punished, but an anonymous letter to the person's partner, who had nothing to do with it, is not the best way to achieve justice or closure.

MummyBtothree · 19/04/2015 04:40

If you didnt find it that much of an issue then to speak up dont bother now cos it sounds like you are doing it for the wrong reasons. Why would you do that to his wife and want to jeopardise their marriage? he may have kids now.

MummyBtothree · 19/04/2015 04:41

AntiHop · 19/04/2015 05:33

mummyB what an unsupportive comment. You didn't rtft. Of course it was an 'issue' . She was a child and he groomed then sexually abused her. she wasn't able to speak up at the time. That is very common with sexual abuse. What do you mean doing it for the wrong reasons mummyb. The op clearly said that she wants to protect other children. His marriage and the effect on it is not the op's priority or responsibility.

Op I understand why the timing is bad. Can you wait a couple of months until your relative's mental health has improved then contact the police?

shewept · 19/04/2015 06:46

Op, if you write that letter and then its traced back to you, it could end up looking like you are just harassing them which won't help you actually report it to the police. It certainly won't help your relative, if you end up being portrayed as someone who is just out to harm an old teacher out of spite.

LittleMoaner · 19/04/2015 07:02

MummyB - Wtf?
He groomed a child why shouldn't his marriage be put in jeopardy? He has a child, that's why op wants to do this.

PotteringAlong · 19/04/2015 07:05

You need to weigh up what's worse - the potential impact on a relative or the potential impact on another child. Only you can decide where you draw your line in the sand.

LittleMoaner · 19/04/2015 07:07

Fwiw op, I don't think an anonymous letter would achieve what you want it to, and that is for all the reasons that others have said.

Take care

If you do decide to report, I wish you all the best.

Lovelydiscusfish · 19/04/2015 07:20

MummyB, there are a lot of reasons a survivor of child sex abuse may not report at the time, other than "not thinking it worth it". I'm sure you can imagine this. Very unhelpful post.
OP, I just wanted to say that it is entirely your decision whether you report or not. Reporting can be empowering and validating, but of course it can be difficult, scary, and not go as you want. It would be a good idea to talk it over with a counsellor or maybe a helpline like Rape Crisis, if it could be a possible option for you, now or in the future.
But, whatever you decide, you are NOT morally responsible for his future actions. That is him, and him alone. I hate this (sadly often peddled) idea that a survivor of rape/abuse is morally obliged to report to protect others, whatever reporting might cost them socially, psychologically etc, It it as if the burden of being abused itself were not enough, but they have also suddenly in that moment become responsible for their abuser's future actions. Talk about victim-blaming!
OP, hope you are ok, and find healing from what happened, whatever healing looks like for you personally.

Original poster

Havingamoraldilemma · 19/04/2015 08:00

Mummy - he does have a child and that's the point!!

With regards to the letter idea (not one of my finest clearly!), I suppose I just thought that planting a seed of doubt with his partner may be enough. Who knows, she may already have her suspicions. But accept what the points about traceability etc.

OP posts:

katese11 · 19/04/2015 08:11

Does your relative have to know? Is there a way to keep this private?

BeaufortBelle · 19/04/2015 08:14

Can I echo the suggestions to seek some counselling please.

How long ago was this and how old was he when it happened? I don't think you can assume that he would behave the same again or that he hasn't already been reported and that is why he is no longer teaching. Not that those questions are really relevant to what you have asked. But, no, it isn't appropriate to send an anonyous letter to his family.

MummyBtothree · 19/04/2015 08:19

I guess I meant to say think long and hard about the way you are going to tackle this as there will be no evidence now just your word against his and if not thought through properly you could be completely misunderstood. Obviously nobody would like the thought of an abuse victim's cries landing on deaf ears.

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