To ask your opinion - moral/ethical dilemma

[Havingamoraldilemma]

Nc lurker who occasionally posts - can't ask anyone in RL about this.

When I was 15 a teacher groomed me into a physical relationship with them. I know I was not the only one he did this to. It was short lived but I have always regretted not speaking up at the time. Since all the press coverage of similar cases I have wrestled with blowing the whistle but for various reasons have never done anything about it, other than confirm through publicly available register of teachers that he is no longer teaching.

However, curiosity has got the better of me recently and through some basic googling I have learnt where he now lives and works. As part of this I've seen that he now has a child so is therefore in regular contact with children I'm guessing.

I have started to dream about whistle blowing on him but while I know this is probably the most correct course of action, I just can't do it at this point (MH issues with close relatives who are likely to require inpatient care). WIBU to send an anonymous letter to his partner (joint business, address etc on Facebook) with basic details to allow her to make up her own mind? I hate to think he may at some point have access to other youngsters in this way

I don't feel brave! I've always felt it's been something I processed a long time ago, but knew that if I ever had evidence he was back in contact with children then I would need to act in one way or another.

Have sent an email to NAPAC - will see what they say.

This is so difficult I'm not sure there's a standard correct answer. How old was he during this time? And what was the nature of the grooming? I remember being 16 and having an affair with a married PE teacher, I don't feel like he groomed me and when I look back I still don't believe that was the case. I knew what I was doing, I encouraged him and I take full responsibility. Granted I was of legal age but barely and I'm sure being 15 wouldn't have stopped it. Of course I'm not saying this is what happened to you, if you genuinely feel you were abused then you must take the course of action you feel best regardless of anyone else's opinion.

I think I'm probably similar Kew - I don't feel I was abused as I knew what he was doing and made what I consider a conscious decision to continue. However, he definitely groomed me and others. It's the fact that this was a repeated pattern of behaviour and that some of the others were younger. One of the other girls thought she was pregnant by him at one point and was underage at the time. So, in the eyes of the law I believe he could/would/should be classed as a child abuser.

NAPAC reply says it will take up to seven days for proper response.

Response from NAPAC was to contact NSPCC who will be able to help me report anonymously. Have sent them an email.

best wishes in the next steps

NSPCC have responded asking for a lot more detailed information, including his name etc, as well as more detail on what he did/said. While they can preserve my anonymity, they also said breaking that to give a police statement would more likely result in a successful prosecution. I'm worried that if I give the detail I've asked for, he will realise it's me anyway

I've just rtft.
This hasn't ever happened to me, nor do I work in this area. But I'm just giving my opinion. Feel free to ignore me!

If he abused other girls at the time, would their version of events be similar to yours? Ie if he paid lots of compliments to you all, asked you all for one to one lessons, asked for your numbers etc, if he treated them the same as you then he wouldn't know which if you it is. Unless there's specific incidents that stand out?

Even if he did know it was you - would you be ok with that? Do you live in the same house? Did he ever visit it? Does he know all of your friends? Would you be worried? Etc.

If it went further and went to court etc, how public are the cases? I have no idea, but I assume it wouldn't be on the news so would that jean family wouldn't necessarily find out?

Please ignore comments about not bothering to report now as you should have reported back then if it was that bad . Being groomed is not something that instantly feels wrong. I imagine you just feel like you're in love with a man. It's not until it's over, or years later, that you look back and realise it wasn't right of him to use his position in a school to act this way with teenage girls.

Report if you want to report. Report if you feel you can. Wether that's this week, next year, or in 10 years or not at all.

Or worse, he won't.

If he can work it out but it isn't going outside the authorities, would that affect your relative?

Well done for taking the first steps. You are actively protecting children

Hobby - that's just it, I don't know the detail of how he groomed the others so I'm scared that if I give the level of detail I could then if I was the only one he used that particular 'technique' with I've made myself identifiable

Further response from NSPCC - without a police statement they can't proceed.

No it wasn't never. Sad but not at all surprised to hear you've had similar experience. Sure it must be widespread

I am very sorry to hear this an hope you can get more help than the NSPCC can currently offer because of their legal framework. In my position (witnessing child abuse in the 80s but having repeated reports ignored and then authorities get very angry and threatening) I finally gave up.

One part of me never fully recovered and of course how much worse for the children concerned. After the Saville scandal broke it seemed time to make another attempt. The reaction was so different as to be almost unbelievable. I looked up who was currently the head of child protection in that county and contacted him with all the detail I could. He got right back to me and we exchanged several emails. I made it clear that I didn't expect a retrospective prosecution based on my belated witness testimony but I named the man involved, the school head who had covered it up, teachers who knew and refused to act and various others.

His emails were incredible. He assured me that a full investigation would be done to track the man's whereabouts and see if he was still having contact with children. Everything was fully filed so that if any of those children at any point did decide to tell authorities what had happened, I would be a corroborative witness and could go to court or to the Police at any point they asked me to, and testify. That was my main reason for starting this up again. I didn't want any child to report in the future and find there was no one to back them up.

As a side effect, I got closure on a dreadful period of my life which scarred me mentally and never healed. During long exchanges, the child protection officer assured me there was nothing more I could have done to have reported, given my age and the wall of protection thrown straight around this man. He said it could really help on the future if there was any one who needed a witness and he generally confirmed that the 80s was a different country and listed what would be done this time so that I had confidence my report wasn't brushed under the carpet again.

Your report may not lead to any charges, but for all you know, someone else has already reported and your corroboration could make all the difference. But that presupposes that you are ready to do that. If you are not, that is entirely your choice. Choice is the first thing taken away from the abused and IMO the first thing that should be restored to them. Don't feel guilty about whatever steps you do or don't take. Do try to find someone to talk to IRL.

This man massively overstepped his boundaries and took advantage of hs position of authority but I think the fact that he has a child now is a bit of a red herring. Just because he has form for seducing 15 year old girls does not necessarily mean he is a danger to his own small child. Lots of people inadvisedly sleep with people just below the age of consent - they are mostly not paedophiles nor are they into incest.

If you want to see him punished then go via the appropriate route, which is to report to the police, let them take it from there, possibly try to trace and contact the other girl/s you know he had intimate contact with (if you can go to the lengths of tracing him through social media I'm sure you could have a bash at finding them) and give their names to the police also.

Don't contact his wife directly and anonymously - that's a really bad idea.