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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask your opinion - moral/ethical dilemma

64 replies

Havingamoraldilemma · 18/04/2015 23:09

Nc lurker who occasionally posts - can't ask anyone in RL about this.

When I was 15 a teacher groomed me into a physical relationship with them. I know I was not the only one he did this to. It was short lived but I have always regretted not speaking up at the time. Since all the press coverage of similar cases I have wrestled with blowing the whistle but for various reasons have never done anything about it, other than confirm through publicly available register of teachers that he is no longer teaching.

However, curiosity has got the better of me recently and through some basic googling I have learnt where he now lives and works. As part of this I've seen that he now has a child so is therefore in regular contact with children I'm guessing.

I have started to dream about whistle blowing on him but while I know this is probably the most correct course of action, I just can't do it at this point (MH issues with close relatives who are likely to require inpatient care). WIBU to send an anonymous letter to his partner (joint business, address etc on Facebook) with basic details to allow her to make up her own mind? I hate to think he may at some point have access to other youngsters in this way Sad

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 19/04/2015 08:32

Counselling? Yes. Report to authorities? Yes. Anonymous letter? No. Definitely not. You will lose all credibility in an instant and be elevated to stalker status in their eyes. Not to mention that putting it out there in an anonymous letter gives him the chance to put together a feasible story for when you DO report it and they talk to him, and lessens the chance that you will be taken seriously.

You are not responsible for anything that happens between now and the time you report it. He is responsible for his actions.

Don't send the letter.

Havingamoraldilemma · 19/04/2015 08:36

I've wondered about that too Katese. If I could 100% guarantee anonymity (including through any legal proceedings if it came to that) I'd do it in an instant. It's about 20 years ago so proving it is going to be very very hard Hmm

Maybe I'll write the letter then burn it!

OP posts:
Joshuajosephspork · 19/04/2015 08:49

I agree about the anonymous letter - bad idea. I do think you could talk this through with the NSPCC or Social Services or the Police though. It could be anonymous and hypothetical at this stage and might give you a better idea of what you want to do and what will happen if you do report.

I'm sorry you went through this and think you are very brave to have got this far. Good luck

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 19/04/2015 08:51

Gosh, what a difficult position to be in. Can't give you any advice, sorry. How much older was he than you if you don't mind me asking?

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 19/04/2015 08:54

Sorry, ignore last post re: age. Got confused and thought he was an after-school club sports person so could potentially have been 18 and maybe not now so much of a threat to young girls.
But reread OP and he was a teacher so age was irrelevant.

AtomicDog · 19/04/2015 09:05

MummyB your attitude is exactly why abusers get away with their actions and why those abused suffer in silence for years.
The OP is trying to prevent other children being harmed. That is the right reason to come forward.
Do you really think his wife would wish to remain married to an abuser once she knows?
OP talking about it is the first step, well done. Good luck.

AtomicDog · 19/04/2015 09:11

Sorry just seen your latest post- yes, writing a letter (which is then destroyed) can be very cathartic.
You will find lots of support on here (as I'm sure you know if you lurk).
Support for all steps of the recovery process, whatever path you decide.

CalicoBlue · 19/04/2015 09:12

I agree with everyone else, do not send a letter to his partner.

You need help with this. There is a charity called NAPAC www.napac.org.uk they are the National Association for People Abused in Childhood. They have a support line and information on how to report your abuse.

Given them a ring.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/04/2015 09:26

Bad idea, but good intent, about the letter!

I think also that trying to remain anonymous via a letter to wife, may inadvertently, out you, without you having the support /protection of the statutory agencies. Eg say she confronted him with a letter from a former pupil he abused.. Assuming he didnt have jimmy saville type number of victims, could lead trail back to you...

I wonder if you are worrying unecesarily about your relative and reporting. Im guessing that this is a parent. This abuse was his responsibility alone. Why would your relative even need to know? You were 15, the authorities wouldnt have to interview your parent/relative, as you would be a good historian at this age.
You could outline these issues to soc services.

You are doing this for the best of reasons - protecting another child.
Please contact the soc services child protection team! Im sure just being able to report it will make you feel better.

As a start you could always use a hypothetical case, I wOuld be surprised if they wouldnt listen. It used to happen regularly when I worked in child protection.

Eg you could say something like:

What would happen if say a child was groomed and had a sexual r/s under age with a teacher. Then years later ot turns out this teacher is still having contact with children... What would happen? What would you advise any previous victim to do?

Good luck!

frizzyhairstress · 19/04/2015 09:29

Letter not a good idea.

How old were you when it happened? Is the child round about that age?

Report some other way x

napac.org.uk/

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/04/2015 09:31

PS I only glanced thru thread and missed that Joshua had already suggested similarly upthread!

MummyBtothree · 19/04/2015 09:32

He would have to be found quilty in a court of law before he can be labelled a sex offender (and rightly so if guilty) therefore its not a case of his wife being informed her hubby is a paedophile until he has been found guilty.

Charis1 · 19/04/2015 09:36

This isn't really a moral or ethical dilemma in any sense, it is simply a personal choice. Anonymous letter is obviously morally wrong on every level. Blaming your relative for preventing you from reporting him now is also morally wrong.

Report or don't report, it is just up to you to decide what you want.

Rebecca2014 · 19/04/2015 09:42

Is he actually still teaching? or did I miss that in the op posts?

MummyBtothree · 19/04/2015 09:50

op said he isnt teaching anymore, she checked that out.

maliaki · 19/04/2015 10:30

I'm sorry you've been through this OP. Writing a letter and burning it is a good idea, it's not a good one to send it. Not only will it look like a malicious letter but he, as all abusers do, will use words and actions to manipulate his wife into thinking you are just someone malicious and lying. Which will have the opposite effect then you want.

If you want to report it, then you need all the support you can. I suggest checking out some of the good links above and perhaps even speaking to Womans Aid?

Havingamoraldilemma · 19/04/2015 10:42

Will check out NAPAC and like Devil's idea of starting out asking hypothetical questions.

The child that is his is a toddler and male - it was teenage girls he groomed (I know of at least six, suspect there were more before/after the time I know of directly). As far as I know he has no interest in males, but how young his interest goes I have no idea.

OP posts:
maliaki · 19/04/2015 10:46

Havingamoraldilemma he's probably been doing it for a long time, he's had the perfect opportunity by being a teacher. Paedophiles and ephebophiles gravitate towards situations in which they have access to their victims and opportunity to groom.

hackmum · 19/04/2015 10:56

I agree you shouldn't send the letter.

But maybe the thing to do is speak to an agency who support people through the process - I know (from a friend of a friend whose small daughter was abused) that the NSPCC is very good with child victims of abuse, so perhaps they offer support to adults too. I think at some point it would be a good idea to go to the police but you shouldn't have to go through it alone.

Havingamoraldilemma · 19/04/2015 19:45

Will see if I can get some privacy at work to call this week sometime. Wish me luck!

OP posts:
Lovelydiscusfish · 19/04/2015 21:03

Good luck! You are being very brave. Hope you find some healing through whatever choice you make. And keep posting, if you want to. We are here to support you, and I believe you (am sure everyone too). And poor you, for going through such a horrible experience!

Northernparent68 · 19/04/2015 21:58

The impact on the toddler is a factor to consider, a prosecution could have a devasting impact on him.

Havingamoraldilemma · 19/04/2015 22:05

I'm well aware of that Northern, which is why I'm not rushing into any decisions. As others have pointed out though, if this does all come to light (either through me or another person he groomed) then the impact on his child is HIS responsibility due to the actions HE took in the past.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 20/04/2015 10:34

You're absolutely right havingamoraldilemma! His actions are HIS responsibility alone.

You are being very brave!!

Having a parent prosecuted for anything can be disruptive... But this is NOT op's responsibility, and should not come into her decision .. Also she is protecting HIS child and any child who comes into contact with him.

Regarding whether he is prosecuted or not... As there at least 6 of you, you know about.. Would /have any others come forward do you know?

Obviously like Savile case.. It is the intensity and the pattern of the behaviour that is important. I don't think there is much doubt that Savile was a prolific attacker, across age groups, gender and undertook opportunistic attacks and longer-term grooming, leading to attacks.

Also, someone doesnt have to be prosecuted for soc services action. Sometimes, esp with historic abuse, a person wont be charged as there is not a good prospect of conviction. (obviously they can still be guilty though...). The sexual offences laws really arent particularly good or useful for child protection, if only in terms of delays, decisions to prosecute, and the difficulties with securing a conviction. As of course it is in the nature of these offences, there are rarely witnesses, or physical evidence. (isnt the conviction rate in rape cases about 6 per cent??).

However, outside of the course, the child agencies (eg NSPCC) can do a 'finding of fact', this is below the criminal level of proof needed of 'beyond reasonable doubt'. This works on the balance of probabililities level of proof. (more like civil courts).

As a result, child protection agencies can intervene with the family to ensure kids are safe.

This is what happened many times when I was working - any more recent SW can please correct if this has changed!

Have courage and faith!!

RedToothBrush · 20/04/2015 10:55

An anonymous letter might jeopardise any legal action taken in the future. Not just by you, but anyone else.