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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The tiredness competition

23 replies

TooTiredForMuch · 18/04/2015 21:49

I need to know if I'm BU. I don't think I am but maybe the might of MN thinks so. I promise I'll listen if I am and not flounce off in denial

I've got a lot on at the moment. I am just finishing my degree, I have two kids at school (Y1 and Y2) and DS, who is at home with me. The kids all have busy extra curricular activities and I'm the one who does all of the ferrying to and fro for them. I volunteer at the kids' school one afternoon a week and I also run an after school club once a week. My DS is at nursery two days a week (the two days I do my school stuff) and I spend the mornings mostly doing medical stuff. I have blood tests weekly and I am also on biological drugs which have to be given via IV once a fortnight so with the waiting times for my appts, these can take up the majority of my non-child day mornings sometimes. I also do ALL of the house work (and our house is fairly large so it's not a quick job), all of the laundry, all the homework and all of the animal husbandry (sheep, horses, chickens etc). So that's all the stuff that I do.

I have two chronic, auto-immune disorders. On their own they cause pain and a lot of inconvenience but they also both come with crippling fatigue. I've also just been diagnosed with severe anaemia (my iron less than a third of what it should be) which has caused all sorts of problems too. The drugs I take make me feel sick and also cause fatigue. I go on frequent courses of steroids, which causes insomnia and huge weight gains! I basically go to bed exhausted and pretty much wake up feeling exactly the same.

I really struggle to do what I do and my husband's job often involves him driving an hour or so to his destination and then home again so he often doesn't get home in time to see the kids, and/or has to leave before seeing them too. At least once a week he will stay away overnight if he's got lots of people to see in the same area.

When my husband is at home, he goes to the gym two or three evenings a week and at the weekend he goes to his geeky hobby for 3 or 4 hours whilst I stay home with the kids. He doesn't generally enjoy spending much time with the kids and gets quite shouty with them.

I've recently had an operation which means I can't do any impact exercise at all. I do need to do some exercise to try and counteract the negative effect of the steroids and to keep my body moving before it seizes up forever. I've suggested to my husband that I go swimming two or three times a week. Nice and gentle but very good exercise for me. He's taken umbrage at this and says that it's not fair that he gets lumbered with the kids whilst I get to enjoy myself. I can't exercise when he's away because of the kids. He's accused me today of being lazy and says that he's tired too so deserves to have his 'me' time. He seems to be having a competition to see who is the most tired and thinks I'm being selfish to want to go and swim because it will impact on his gym time/geek time.

So...AIBU? Should I be trying to be more understanding of his stressful job and long hours? Or should he be trying to be a bit more understanding of me?

OP posts:

Welshmaenad · 18/04/2015 21:51

Your husband sounds like a cunt.

Of course you should be able to go fucking swimming.

Stop volunteering, too, you have enough going in. Let the well people pick up that slack.

maroonedwithfour · 18/04/2015 21:53

guiltynetter · 18/04/2015 21:55

couldn't say it any better than welshmaened...

the thing is, I'm guessing 99-100% of people here will say YANBU so what are you going to do about it?

PrettyLittleMitty · 18/04/2015 21:57

Was going to say he sounds like a selfish twat but I think welsh has summed him up pretty nicely

You are definitely not lazy, he needs to pull his weight.

Original poster

TooTiredForMuch · 18/04/2015 22:03

How can I respond to his claims that he's just as tired as me?

I've tried so many times to explain to him how exhausted I feel all the time, but he can't/won't take it on board. If I've had a particularly bad day with my illness - spending the majority of the time in the bathroom - and he comes home to a bit of a mess, he just sort of rolls his eyes when I tell him I've been ill. As though to say, 'yeah, yeah'

I'm most annoyed with the fact that he gets to go out three or four times a week to have 'me' time, as well as all the time he's away with work overnight. I don't get to do that because I'm left with the childcare all the time.

OP posts:

CocktailQueen · 18/04/2015 22:04

My first thought was, what a bellend! He has all this time to go to the gym/do his hobby and he's resenting you going swimming?????? Twat of the highest water.

If you're feeling this bad I'd stop doing all voluntary work and even paid work, and concentrate on feeling better.

Un-MN hugs to you...

Welshmaenad · 18/04/2015 22:04

Show him this thread?

'People think you're a cunt. Shape up or ship out, bucko'.

backtowork2015 · 18/04/2015 22:04

it makes me tired just reading about your day...how do you manage all this? You should definitely swim if it will be of benefit to you but your husband has to do some laundry and housework whilst you do, otherwise I can't see how you'll fit it in!

CocktailQueen · 18/04/2015 22:04

Add up all the time he has and all the time you have, show him and see what he says.

Welshmaenad · 18/04/2015 22:05

In seriousness - I do t know. I'm open mouthed at how selfish and thoughtless he's beibg. I couldn't be with a man like that.

Iggly · 18/04/2015 22:07

Aakhim when he expects you to do as the doctor says!? Does he have any respect for you!?

karinmaria · 18/04/2015 22:11

What a selfish twat. He gets 3-4 nights per week at the gym plus weekend time on a hobby. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. He clearly won't see it himself, so will he listen to your doctor if you take him to an appointment?

RedToothBrush · 18/04/2015 22:13

And you are with him because.....?

MyArksNotReady · 18/04/2015 22:14

I and my dc don't tell anyone our ailments which are multisystem. Others get competitive and we think they are pathetic and odd. Who wants to be jealous of someone genuinely ill? We just moan to each other.

MyOneandYoni · 18/04/2015 22:14

Just the "I've recently had an operation..." should be enough for your DH to realise that you need support, rest and time to recuperate.

Yeh, and stop volunteering.

flumpysocks · 18/04/2015 22:14

Definitely not BU. I'd be telling him that if he is not willing to do his share with the kids while you're at the pool, you'll be building the cost of a babysitter and cleaner into the household budget to free you up, as this exercise is not only something you're entitled to do but is actually necessary for your health. It is not a "nice to have", it's an essential.

ponybark · 18/04/2015 22:15

alarm bells ringing over this guy!!

do you really want to be with someone like this?

seriously selfish behaviour on his part.

AntiHop · 18/04/2015 22:15

Both parents should have equal access to time for themselves. You are not lazy. What you are asking for is very fair. He gets hours to do his hobby and gets to put his feet up after work when he's away for work once a week. Looking after his own children is not being 'lumbered'. Hibvvu to see looking after his children in those terms. He needs a reality check. You need tlc and support from him, not this nonsense.

MyOneandYoni · 18/04/2015 22:17

So you're tired because you have

... a job
.. two autoimmune thingys
... all the children's activities to coordinate/run around after
... study commitments
...volunteer work
... time consuming medical appts
... a recent general anaesthetic
...all the housework

and your DH is tired because he has
... a job

Yes, you win.

80schild · 18/04/2015 22:25

If the doctor has told you, you need to gentle exercise then present this to him as a matter of fact. He is still allowed to do his hobbies and exercise so long as you also have time to do the same amount of exercise as he has - 2/3 per week.

If I were in your position I would cut back on the voluntary stuff as well - your health should be your priority at the moment and from personal experience I know how voluntary work can be just as stressful as a real job if you have committed to it.

karinmaria · 18/04/2015 22:27

You forgot one
... all the animal husbandry e.g. sheep, chickens etc.

ponybark · 18/04/2015 22:34

could you give up the volunteering to make more time for yourself?

or outsource something else?

you-time is a MUST!!! only just discovering this after two years of burnout.

ponybark · 18/04/2015 22:34

plus get the lazy DH on the case!!

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