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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and present issue - AIBU?

67 replies

IsabellaofFrance · 18/04/2015 11:39

My DD will be 7 in October. For her first birthday, MIL bought her a rocking horse sit on thing, with a snail's head - suitable for little children. A couple of years ago I gave it to my brother for his DD, and he passed it on to his SIL for her DS not too long ago.

Yesterday MIL arrived for a visit. As soon as she has got through the door she said that now my BIL and SIL are expecting a baby in the autumn we can pass all our things on to them, and she asked about the rocking horse. When I explained we had given it away she started getting quite upset, saying that I had no right to give it away, and demanding that I get it back. If I dont, she is 'done with me'.

AIBU to think that if you give someone a present, what they do with it is then totally up to the receiver, not the giver?

OP posts:
Original poster
IsabellaofFrance · 18/04/2015 11:40

She left straight away and phoned DH really upset about me being disrespectful.

OP posts:
glittertits · 18/04/2015 11:42

Yanbu. Nutjob.

cashewnutty · 18/04/2015 11:42

Blimey. Bit of a strange reaction from MIL. If she wanted it to be kept in the family for future GC she should have told you at the outset. You were right to do with it what you wanted.

Bombinate · 18/04/2015 11:44

Your DH needs to sort this out

PtolemysNeedle · 18/04/2015 11:44

YANBU.

Your DH needs to tell her that she wanted it to be passed on to younger family children, and as it has been, she has nothing to complain about. Saying that though, she'd have nothing to complain about if you had chucked it in a skip, she gave it away and no longer has control of it.

VodkaValiumLattePlease · 18/04/2015 11:45

Tell her in your family you aren't boomerang givers.

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 18/04/2015 11:46

'Done with you?'

Meh. One less person for you to have to deal with.

Do they even want 7 year old baby things?

OldFarticus · 18/04/2015 11:46

YANBU. What an arsehole she sounds!

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 18/04/2015 11:46

If I dont, she is 'done with me'.

Rather an over ott reaction, do you get on with her usually?

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 18/04/2015 11:46

She's being ridiculous.

Apart from the fact that you cannot decree what happens to things you give to people years after the fact, you passed it on within the family anyway (it just happened to be your side).

You had every right to give it away as you saw fit.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 18/04/2015 11:47

YANBU, she's clearly bonkers! Get your DH to deal with her, it's his mother therefore his responsibility.

Goldmandra · 18/04/2015 11:47

Agree she is too late. It would have been reasonable to ask you to pass it on to someone in particular had she done so she she first gave it to your DD but she needs to accept that it has gone elsewhere now.

You could always ask to have first refusal if it's current owner decide to pass it on but that's about it.

I would be more concerned about my DH telling me I was disrespectful TBH.

ChocolateBubbleBarsmakemefat · 18/04/2015 11:47

Of course you had every right. unless she stated it was a loan rather than a gift, it was yours to do as you please.
She had probably already mentioned it to your BIL and SIL and was upset at not being able to fulfill a promise....maybe. Who knows. when she calms down I'm sure she will see sense. Does she usually fly off the handle like this?

Fluffyears · 18/04/2015 11:47

'You have to give them all your stuff!' Tell her to fuck off! It's your stuff and if you have more kids you want to keep your things for them.

Goldmandra · 18/04/2015 11:48

Just realised I might have read that wrong. Is it him or her saying you are disrespectful?

DevaDiva · 18/04/2015 11:48

Blimey she sounds unstable.

People can do what they want with things that have been gifted to them.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 18/04/2015 11:48

Actually, you could say in a politely-confused manner, "oh I'm sorry, I didn't realise it was a loan, I thought it was a gift." And then every time she gives a present in the future, make her clarify that it's a gift not a loan!

DinosaursRoar · 18/04/2015 11:48

YANBU - but as others have said, it's DH to sort it, not you.

(I'd also be tempted to ask her if she's still got something you gave her 6 years ago for her birthday, and if she's not using it anymore, why didn't she ask your permission to get rid?)

Fleecyleesy · 18/04/2015 11:50

She sounds a complete nut job.

However in the interests of not splitting the family up, I would ask your brother to ask his SIL if you could get the item back to give to MIL. Probably you will be able to get it back. I'd just ask brother to explain to his SIL that MIL is a nut job kicking off and you'd like to fix it even though she's in the wrong. I'd give it back to MIL and tell her that 2 other young dc in your family have enjoyed using it as well as your dd and that is preferable to it sitting in a shed or something.

Then, ask her to be clear whether items she gives your dc are actually presents for them or on loan.

diddl · 18/04/2015 11:53

What did your husband say to her?

SanityClause · 18/04/2015 11:54

Okay, take a step back.

Perhaps this is a misunderstanding, and she always intended it to be a family heirloom, type thing, for her DGC, but that wasn't made clear to you. (It does sound like an unusual toy.)

I suggest you speak to your DH about it, but maybe you need to go to her and explain that you didn't realise that was what she intended, and that you will explain to your brother, so he can try to get it back from his SIL.

If everyone acts reasonably, it doesn't need to be a big deal.

PtolemysNeedle · 18/04/2015 11:55

Op can't ask for it back after she has given it away, that would make her as bad as the mil!

DisappointedOne · 18/04/2015 11:57

She's bonkers.

We made the mistake of loaning one of DH's brothers some baby stuff. It got passed around them (they had a mini population explosion) and when we asked for it back it was in a right state (having been used for 4 more babies than intended). Anything i give now is a gift and i never want to see it again

diddl · 18/04/2015 11:57

Oh and when she says that you can pass all your things on, does she just mean what she has bought or everything??

Did she see the item as some sort of family heirloom?

(Obviously not your family!!)

No way would I try to appease her.

SanityClause · 18/04/2015 11:58

Not if she explained the situation.

Obviously, if it's not a very special thing, then then the MIL is just being a bit silly. But it depends on how attached the current owner is to it, really.