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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and present issue - AIBU?

67 replies

IsabellaofFrance · 18/04/2015 11:39

My DD will be 7 in October. For her first birthday, MIL bought her a rocking horse sit on thing, with a snail's head - suitable for little children. A couple of years ago I gave it to my brother for his DD, and he passed it on to his SIL for her DS not too long ago.

Yesterday MIL arrived for a visit. As soon as she has got through the door she said that now my BIL and SIL are expecting a baby in the autumn we can pass all our things on to them, and she asked about the rocking horse. When I explained we had given it away she started getting quite upset, saying that I had no right to give it away, and demanding that I get it back. If I dont, she is 'done with me'.

AIBU to think that if you give someone a present, what they do with it is then totally up to the receiver, not the giver?

OP posts:

ovenchips · 18/04/2015 12:58

I really don't think the onus is on you to do anything in this situation, apart from bite your tongue a bit for the sake of familial relations, as you have done nothing wrong.

If you want your MIL to not behave in this ridiculously irrational way again, you need to not give into her now. You can't change her behaviour unfortunately, only your response to it. So no pacifying or mollifying. I hope your husband will also back you up and keep repeating the fact that you have done nothing unreasonable.

There is not a chance I would buy a replacement.

redskirt · 18/04/2015 13:06

She was rude to suggest you pass anything on to them!

hackmum · 18/04/2015 13:14

She's bonkers. End of story.

YellowTulips · 18/04/2015 13:20

She's out of order re: the request and also her reaction to it.

I'd just totally ignore her and let her stew.

When she makes contact again I'd say if she behaves that way again you'll be done with her and your not going to pander to her tantrums any more.

KeepsTrying · 18/04/2015 13:46

YANBU

She sounds...awful!

As they are so readily available second-hand I would be inclined to buy another one, and then suggest your DH takes it round to her. Simply to draw a line under it, don't really think you should do this at all - just what I would do. Take a big step back from having any dealing with her and be very wary of 'gifts' in the future.

Inertia · 18/04/2015 13:52

I wouldn't be inclined to buy another one or ask for it back.

I'd be inclined to tell her to stop being such a drama queen, and you are not a toy storage depot. If she's done with you, it'll do you a favour.

rosy189 · 18/04/2015 13:58

My MIL is a bit like this OP...dramatics but then calms down and forgets it ever happened, but they all stay with me and chip away at our relationship.

I'm sorry but as soon as she finds out your BIL is starting a family- shes asking if you 'have anything you could give them'- Did she not consider that YOU have a family too and you might have wanted to pass things down to them!!

I'm having a baby in october, its our first, I expect that my younger sister will follow suit and I will look forward to handing down whatever I can to help her.. including stuff my MIL gives me, I wouldnt just hang on to it so my BIL could have it when he decides to start a family!

Crazy..

ThisIsTheJamHot · 18/04/2015 13:59

"If I dont, she is 'done with me'."

Well don't then. You've got a result! Congratulations, you've just rid yourself of a Grade A control-freak-nutjob.

LucilleBluth · 18/04/2015 14:05

She's mad. I can remember being newly married and our first house didn't have heating, MIL bought us some second hand oil filled radiators......years later she popped round for them for SIL.....I don't think so MIL, a, you have to ask if SIL can have them and b they were given to us to do what we want with them.

SilverBirch2015 · 18/04/2015 14:09

Sounds like she has serious "boundary" issues, obviously wants to be the Matriarch of the family particularly concerning the Grandchildren.

You and your DH husband have a choice on how to handle this sort of behaviour. As you said she is often like this and then it all blows over, you can just smile sweetly and wait. Maybe hinting to her that she is being unreasonable. Alternatively, you can both stand up to her and tell her politely that this sort of behaviour is totally out of order and it is gradually damaging the relationship between you.

aprilanne · 18/04/2015 16:39

my mother inlaw did the same with a shawl .i never really wanted one not my thing but she insisted .then when my hubby,s niece was born she said it is a ferguson shawl give me it back .i still have it and my son,s are 24/19 and 15 .what a cheeky so and so

MrsN1984 · 19/04/2015 11:14

If she wanted it to be some sort of family heirloom to stay that side of the family then she should have said that in the first place.
What is it with MIL's - they all seem to be nuts. Mine especially

Griphook · 19/04/2015 11:57

I will look forward to handing down whatever I can to help her.. including stuff my MIL gives me, I wouldnt just hang on to it so my BIL could have it when he decides to start a family!

I don't really understand this, if neither are expecting a baby why would you hold on to it for one family member but no the other? Doesn't sound very nice

drudgetrudy · 19/04/2015 13:08

When a present is given it is given and the giver relinquishes all control of it.

Most of you will be MILs one day-they are not all nuts. (Sounds as if this one may be).

Yarp · 19/04/2015 13:12

Oh Lord, you won't win with this one. It's all about her unspoken and unreasonable assumptions about how life is, and her inability to deal with it calmly when things aren't as she imagined. Her lack of assertiveness, in fact.

You gave it to someone who needed it; your own brother in fact. You didn't sell it for crack. If she had expectations about it being handed on she should have stated them at the outset.

I agree; let your DH deal with it

CookPassBabtrigde · 19/04/2015 13:14

YANBU surely it's better to have been passed on to people who will continue to use it rather than it sit in a cupboard for 6 years. She has no right to demand who you should give it to.

BackforGood · 19/04/2015 13:32

With all MiL threads, I always suggest taking out the fact that it is your MiL, and replace with 'friend' then ask the same question.

I this case, whoever it is demanding they get a say in what happens to something they gave you as a gift some years before, is clearly bonkers, so you are right, and totally NBU.

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