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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and present issue - AIBU?

67 replies

IsabellaofFrance · 18/04/2015 11:39

My DD will be 7 in October. For her first birthday, MIL bought her a rocking horse sit on thing, with a snail's head - suitable for little children. A couple of years ago I gave it to my brother for his DD, and he passed it on to his SIL for her DS not too long ago.

Yesterday MIL arrived for a visit. As soon as she has got through the door she said that now my BIL and SIL are expecting a baby in the autumn we can pass all our things on to them, and she asked about the rocking horse. When I explained we had given it away she started getting quite upset, saying that I had no right to give it away, and demanding that I get it back. If I dont, she is 'done with me'.

AIBU to think that if you give someone a present, what they do with it is then totally up to the receiver, not the giver?

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/04/2015 11:59

She sounds quite bonkers.

Is she usually totally unresonable?

straighttothepoint · 18/04/2015 12:00

Stupid cow your mil. What did your dh say?

Original poster

IsabellaofFrance · 18/04/2015 12:04

She does have a history of dramatics. She will calm down in a few weeks and act like it never happened, but this time for some reason I have been left feeling that I am in the wrong (Normally I just shrug it off).

It was never intended to be an heirloom, nothing was ever mentioned. Its not unusual, you can get them from most places.

However at the time she gave it, BIL was young and I suppose the thought of him getting married or having a baby of his own was not even on her radar.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 18/04/2015 12:04

It seems idiotic to get so het up over a rocking horse. I don't suppose it was a valuable antique one seen in toy museums, so hardly a family heirloom.

"Done with you"? Very rude and OTT. Is there any history of tension between you and her?

You have passed it round your side of the family, and why not? Perhaps they don't exist in your MIL's book.

Anyway, the baby she wants it for isn't even born yet, and it won't be suitable for them for a good 12 - 18 months after that.

As for the rest of your stuff, it's yours to do what you want with, not hers to dictate about. Maybe you will have other babies and need it again anyway.

Original poster

IsabellaofFrance · 18/04/2015 12:05

When BIL first told us that they were having a baby, MIL asked what stuff I still had to pass on, when I said nothing really (DD is my third but youngest child) she seemed quite upset. I think she has been mulling that over and has realised the rocking horse is gone.

OP posts:

Pukkapik · 18/04/2015 12:06

YANBU but I think she probably has entertained for herself a very special vision of all HER grandchildren enjoying it and has completely over reacted by the fact you have passed it on to cousins on your side of the family (who happened to be born before her next batch of grandchildren came along!)
I agree your DH is the one to build bridges here.

SanityClause · 18/04/2015 12:08

Okay, if it isn't that unusual, then she is making too much of it.

Perhaps you could suggest you buy one for their baby (if it's in budget, etc) if that will help calm the situation?

shewept · 18/04/2015 12:09

My mum got us a hand made one. With a clear message it was a family heirloom, for dd to pass on to her kids.

We did actually give her it back to look after as she has more space than we do. But she even put it in her will that its dds.

I don't think, that this is the situation here so yanbu OP. Tbh if my mil, who I like, said she was done with me I would tell her not to let the door hit her on the way out.

DinosaursRoar · 18/04/2015 12:14

the snail rocking horse thing, is this it?

It's lovely, but not something I'd expect to be kept and handed down through the generations TBH.

She's probably spouted off about all the hand-me-downs she'd have to pass on from her other DGC, and wanted the "glory" of providing everything. She may well have been telling SIL not to buy anything new and they'd be silly to waste their money etc, there's lots of babies in the family, she'd get lots of stuff....

Not your problem to deal with, I bet BIL and SIL don't care and weren't expected to kit out their DC from you.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 18/04/2015 12:17

She is bonkers and I bet she hasn't even asked Fil and his wife if they want some old, second hand baby stuff (nothing wrong with good quality second hand but lots of people like new for a first baby and I think all parents like to make that choice for themselves).

They would probably prefer her to buy a nice new one like she did for her granddaughter seven years ago!

8misskitty8 · 18/04/2015 12:18

Your youngest is 7, and she expected you to not only have baby stuff but to give it to your BIL ? She has no right to be upset that you haven't kept anything.
That particular snail rocking horse can be bought in argos and a number of places and it's not expensive so hardly a family heirloom handed down through generations.
Does she always act like this ?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 18/04/2015 12:19

Fil? Bil.

Original poster

IsabellaofFrance · 18/04/2015 12:20

Thats the one dinosaurs

OP posts:

Chippednailvarnish · 18/04/2015 12:20

I'd use this as an excuse to be done with her!

Topseyt · 18/04/2015 12:20

Don't ask for it back. The other child might be very attached to it.

What sort of price are similar ones? That could be a Christmas or birthday present from you to the forthcoming child at a suitable point in the future.

Momagain1 · 18/04/2015 12:29

I dont think it unreasonable to ask current family member (SIL of Brother) to pass the thing to your husbands siblings next. And warn them about the damn thing being so important to MIL and they had should shoft it back to her for future allocation.

As for the rest of your babystuff, your decision to keep, give away or sell on ebay. Not hers.

Original poster

IsabellaofFrance · 18/04/2015 12:29

The drama isn't unusual.

Other crimes that have cause a similar reaction include not naming either DS the horrible, old fashioned name that she hoped would be passed down the family (but incidentally she didnt use for any of her three boys), not letting her cut DD's hair off, letting DD go to preschool and allowing DS1 on a foreign exchange last year.

As I said, normally we go through the same pattern. She gets upset, we let her calm down and we carry on. But this time I wanted to be sure I hadn't done something awful.

Looks like I was right.

OP posts:

diddl · 18/04/2015 12:32

Will MIL want the thing back to be passed on now that she knows it hasn't been revered & especially held on to??!!

base9 · 18/04/2015 12:32

So the threat is that she's 'done with you'? Win-win. Let her be done! You were kind and generous, passing things on to family. That BIL had his baby so long after you pretty much guarantees that you will have long since handed over the baby things to others. MIL needs to hunt down a grip, but that is not your problem.

Fairylea · 18/04/2015 12:38

6 years later?! Bonkers.

It's not like she just gave it to you last week. How ridiculous.

We have the same issue with my dhs family. We had a massive falling out with them because he ebay ed a gift they'd given him about 6 months later. They only found out because they regularly spy on our ebay and watch what we sell. It's ridiculous.

His sister even set up a fake ebay account to send me a message asking about an item... ! She later admitted it had been her and she was trying to wind me up. Lovely lot.

Love51 · 18/04/2015 12:38

My DH is the eldest of a large brood. Several of his younger siblings, as well as his parents, have bought beautiful items for our small children. Due to MN I have mentioned that it would be lovely to pass these things on to their future children, however we are limited for space so if they particularly want something, let me know and they can have it when the kids have finished with it. Now one is expecting, they are having some of our stuff, but as we are done with it, not expecting us to store for 5 years or getting particular over being owed it.

lem73 · 18/04/2015 12:40

Oh dear. You were perfectly entitled to pass on your dd's things. Unfortunately families get very possessive about this stuff sometimes with good reason. My dm wasn't too happy when we passed stuff to my bil but that's because that side of the family had never bought the kids anything as babies. Mil gets annoyed when I pass stuff on to my db including stuff he'd actually bought in the first place!

Somersetlady · 18/04/2015 12:45

You poor thing the woman sounds like a right trouble maker.

We also had the name tantrum and a sulk for a longtime afterwards

If it's the one dinosaursroar hasshown surely not!? then just buy it for a fiver from ebay and give it to the old crow.

OrianaBanana · 18/04/2015 12:56

I agree that she's bonkers and DH needs to tell her this gently. Were you rude to her (understandably if so).

She's done with you? Bonus!

OrianaBanana · 18/04/2015 12:57

NB Is BIL perhaps struggling and she is desperately wanting to help out with nice things for his kids?

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