Aibu to sti be hurt by this mil incident

[Thedragonsinthebedroom]

I probably am and probably just need someone to (hopefully nicely) knock some sense into me.

My DH and I were together for 10 years before we got engaged, living together for five years. I had always got on amazingly with his family, his mother in particular, until we got engaged.

When we got engaged it all changed. There were arguments within the family with his brothers but all resolved by the wedding day and his siblings behaved amazingly and helped to give us an amazing day. I admit I was still a bit hurt at the time but they really did come up trumps on the day, even if it was all rather last minute.

His mother however cried her way through the day, didn't get dressed up (to the point of wearing shoes with holes in but did not have financial issues) and looked really upset for the entire day, to the point where several friends commented on how unhappy she looked and why she hadn't made more of an effort. I have always avoided commenting on it when people have mentioned to me but it did really hurt. It made me feel not good enough for her son, even though I knew that she had always given the impression up to that point, that she really loved me. I just didn't understand why she wouldn't make an effort!

Since the wedding I think mil realised that nothing had changed in our relationships and all her worries about how she would no longer see her son were unfounded. We made an extra special effort to see her often after we got married and I think that help.

In general things are fine with us. However we were out with BIL and his girlfriend this evening and on the way home I mentioned that I would be really hurt when (which I sort of see as inevitable) his mother makes more of an effort for their wedding than she did for ours. I would never say anything and would just be very upset about it, but DH thinks i'm being totally unreasonable to be upset about this. It's not that I don't think she should make an effort, I do and actually think I should encourage her and probably take her shopping or something. But it still really hurts than in our wedding photos she's wearing shoes with holes in and trousers she goes dog walking in.

I think I'm confused. Of course I would want future sil to have an amazing wedding day and wouldn't want MIL to act weird on their wedding day, but on the other haNd it still hurts a lot the way she acted.

AIBU? Should I just be over it by now? I should shouldnt I? And if anyone has any suggestions on how I can get over it, please tell me. Please be gentle.

I think you already know the answer . It's a little extremely odd that she wore her dog walking trousers but I don't think it's odd that she was upset. Might it be because the wedding had bought up all sorts of emotions for her about her children or her own wedding. Weddings often make people sad because they are thinking of people who have died. My DHs family always seem to be crying at weddings

I think you should try to concerntrate on the fact you generally get on with her well and try not to worry about her behaving so stupidly at your wedding. It's history now. I would say something different if she was normally a PITA

I wouldn't mention anything about it to your BIL. I can't see the point.

I hope I was nice enough

It is sad for you but you have to put it in the past and move on.

At my brother's wedding one of the bridesmaids took her hair out of the up style, removed her make up, put on white tights (like those horrible 80s ones) and slip on flats that were dirty and very old. No idea why. Looks very strange in the photos. (My sil was not friendly with her, felt obliged to fulfill a promise from school but that's another story...)

Thank you. You have been lovely

I totally get her emotions. I think it can be such a weird situation seeing your oldest get married and must bring up all sorts of strange ways of behaving because of the emotions. I hope I was dignified throughout it and need to continue with that.

I would never mention to BIL, although his girlfriend brought it up to me in front of him so he does know and seemed quite horrified by the whole thing.

I think I dread similar things happening when we have children and hate the idea of her being weird because of it.

I guess I know she was being unreasonable at the time but I'm being unreasonable to hold it against her now. It just frustrates me and hurts so much but i guess I need to get over it!

She is in general a lovely mother in law but we all face situations in life that we struggle with and might make us act out of the ordinary. I'm sure I have.

Oh Jesus bluesky! Your poor brother and sol! My sil also changed her bridesmaid dress which did irritate me. Things turned very weird with DH family around our wedding (with the exception of our fil) which I do think was largely his mother's doing as she can be quite passive aggressive when she's not happy with things! She is a good person though!

Hi. I know how you feel, for her to act so PA on your wedding day is awful!
Have you ever talked to her about it and told her how upset you still are?
Whether it upsets her or not I think she should know how it affected you!
I just think keeping how you feel bottled up is spoiling memories of your wedding and it needs to be faced up to so you can let go of it!

Let's hope that's her only wobble dragon. Funny how weddings always bring it out. Yes, unsurprisingly they are nc with the bridesmaid now!

I'm not sure if talking to her would be the right thing or not. I don't want to hurt her.m, at the same time she did hurt me and I would like her to know it. But she is quite a PA person generally in life so I think I'll be trying to change a habit of a lifetime and probably unsuccessfully!

Has she ever seen any of your wedding photos where she is dressed in her dog walking clobber? Does she show any reaction when she does? Does she cringe a bit?

It was certainly odd behaviour and I am not sure how I would have felt had any of the bridal party done it at our wedding.

I think I can understand how she felt emotional throughout the day. When your children grow up and move on, it is very hard and mums can feel very raw.

If it is anything like the feelings I encountered when my eldest daughter left home to start university then the intensity of them can knock you for six.

I don't think it excuses totally the lack of effort for your big day, just puts it in the perspective of a mum struggling with the realisation that her "baby" (in this case your husband), is all grown up now.

She shouldn't have done it and probably knows that. It is in the past though, and probably best left there.

It's weird but wedding bring out the worst in people. I got married in Paris in 2002. My dm died in 2000 so it was bittersweet ..,. My df left after the ceremony and reception, didn't even stay for the evening reception. It still hurts now....

Sorry posted too soon. Meant to say that things like this can really stay with you, no idea how to get closure on this and it looks like this new wedding will drag it up again for you. I dont think yabu to be upset but I don't think you can do or say anything about it.

Is it possible that she was suffering from depression at the time op, rather than it being personal?

To be honest it sounds to be like you were something of a bridezilla who couldn't see past your own nose - and still can't. You mention you were/are/will be 'very hurt' and 'very upset' several times in your OP - even about things that haven't even happened yet. I'd be interested to know what the family arguments were about in the run up...

You were a bride, not the Empress of the known universe. Even you saying your in laws were finally 'amazing' on the day and gave you an 'amazing' time smacks of you rating their behaviour and levels of excitement (and even then you complain that it was 'last minute').

Just let it go and/or maybe try to put yourself in other people's holeyshoes. Maybe she was depressed, maybe she was fed up to the back teeth of the arguments and dramas . The fact you say she seemed to love you up til the wedding could point to you being a bit of a pain in the butt during the run up. And as others have said maybe the reality of her son marrying hit her hard.

A wedding is just a wedding no need to feel so hurt by everyone's actions. Now it's someone else's turn (are they even engaged though??!) and I would bloody hope you will be thrilled for BiL and bride if they have a wonderful wedding and your MIL wears something more appropriate!

Why are you still dwelling on this? Its nonsense. Why would it even bother anyone what someone wears to their wedding?you do sound like a drama queen

Time to move on op. Get a hobby or read a book. Dwelling on other people's behaviour at past events is pointless not something you can do anything about.

What a load of rubbish replies! Of course you are still upset. There is no excuse for her behaviour and she hasn't apologised. I think you have been extremely magnanimous and it's lovely that you want a good relationship with her even after all that.

It is not understandable that she ws upset at all. Other women get through their sons weddings without such histrionics.

Has there ever been any acknowledgement from his family at all about their weird behaviour?

Of course you are still upset, this was a hurtful thing to do.

However, if she does make more effort for the next wedding, think of it as being because you taught her it is not the disaster she previously thought it would be.

Her behaviour sounds very hurtful. I think it's perfectly reasonable to have been upset, and I do think that most people would find it upsetting if their MIL had behaved like that.

I'm pretty sure that most women manage to make it through their son's weddings without acting like it's some sort of tragedy. I get that some people find it very emotional when their children start to grow up and move on, but I don't really see why a wedding would bring out such a reaction when the OP had already been living with her DH for 5 years. It's surely can't have been that much of a surprise that they might get married at some point after so long together.

Having said that, I'm don't have any useful advice on how to get over it. It would probably help a lot if your MIL were to acknowledge how hurtful her behaviour was and apologize for it, but if she can't see this for herself, then you trying to tell her how hurt you were is only likely to make things worse between you.

I don't have ant advice either but yanbu.

Of course she should have made an effort at her son's wedding.

Yanbu, i would have been upset too, but i think it's time to try and let it go.

It reads to me that this amzing relationship you have with this PA MIl isn't all you think it is.

Perhaps her PA means she controls everyone? Therefore you all dance to her tune. And when you dance to it she's as nice as pie.

Her dog walking trousers were a way to let you know clearly she still calls the shots despite you marrying her son.

Yes time to move on and focus on the next event. Could mil have MH issues?

I don't think your unreasonable to still be hurt by her actions, but it is time to let it go (I really can't write that without thinking about the song!) and move on-for your own sanity as much as for family harmony.

I don't think it her lack of apology has helped you-as she hasn't acknowledged how her lack of effort on the day hurt and impacting on you (and to be fair for others to comment it must have been pretty obvious) but the thing is you can't control others actions....only your reactions to it.

By continuing to let it hurt and upset you the only person your hurting is yourself, you need to get yourself to a stage where you think about it and realise it doesn't say anything about you but more about herself and look back on it with a kind of indifference as at the moment if her actions where planned to spoil your day (and we don't know they were) but if they were-she's succeeded as you look back at it with sadness.

When you start to think of it and the hurt and sadness creeps in tell yourself 'oh well' and think about the good points of the day-because I promise there were more of them than bad.

YANBU to have been upset by her behaviour. My MIL behaved badly at my wedding (and also on the birth of my first child). Weddings bring out the worst in people, most likely it was nothing to do with you. With my MIL it was a combination of 'losing a son' and wanting to impress her extended family. I found letting it go but staying a bit wary works for me. I'm friendly, polite, facilitate her seeing the kids, but I do keep my distance emotionally.

yanbu to be upset.

In one way though I think it is worse for BIL/ his girlfriend because they saw how she behaved at your wedding and have a couple of years to worry about her doing the same whether she does or not.

Presumably yours was more a , lets crack open the champers on the day.

As the Mother of sons, I didn't intend to cry at his wedding. and I did make an effort to look the best I could. However, I knew it was the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one for us as Mother and son.
His wife was now going to be the most important woman in his life and as she is quite a strong character, I realised things were not going to remain the same as before.
They also live quite a long way away. I have no problem with my DIL as she suits him and I am glad that they are married. However I was right about the change between us. He used to ring up and make an effort to see quite a lot of his DF and I.
He is now busy and involved with projects and we don't see so much of him. She lives near her Mother and her relatives and I see the pictures on Facebook. My son is lovable and her relatives love him.

So although I don't think YANBU to have expected yout MIk to dress up for your wedding, she was maybe experiencing very complex feelings of loss etc.
I had more sense than to show anyone how I was feeling though, to be honest.
I would let it go and don't challenge her. We all have something that might appear odd to someone else. Build on what you have with her and let the past go.