Aibu to sti be hurt by this mil incident

[Thedragonsinthebedroom]

I probably am and probably just need someone to (hopefully nicely) knock some sense into me.

My DH and I were together for 10 years before we got engaged, living together for five years. I had always got on amazingly with his family, his mother in particular, until we got engaged.

When we got engaged it all changed. There were arguments within the family with his brothers but all resolved by the wedding day and his siblings behaved amazingly and helped to give us an amazing day. I admit I was still a bit hurt at the time but they really did come up trumps on the day, even if it was all rather last minute.

His mother however cried her way through the day, didn't get dressed up (to the point of wearing shoes with holes in but did not have financial issues) and looked really upset for the entire day, to the point where several friends commented on how unhappy she looked and why she hadn't made more of an effort. I have always avoided commenting on it when people have mentioned to me but it did really hurt. It made me feel not good enough for her son, even though I knew that she had always given the impression up to that point, that she really loved me. I just didn't understand why she wouldn't make an effort!

Since the wedding I think mil realised that nothing had changed in our relationships and all her worries about how she would no longer see her son were unfounded. We made an extra special effort to see her often after we got married and I think that help.

In general things are fine with us. However we were out with BIL and his girlfriend this evening and on the way home I mentioned that I would be really hurt when (which I sort of see as inevitable) his mother makes more of an effort for their wedding than she did for ours. I would never say anything and would just be very upset about it, but DH thinks i'm being totally unreasonable to be upset about this. It's not that I don't think she should make an effort, I do and actually think I should encourage her and probably take her shopping or something. But it still really hurts than in our wedding photos she's wearing shoes with holes in and trousers she goes dog walking in.

I think I'm confused. Of course I would want future sil to have an amazing wedding day and wouldn't want MIL to act weird on their wedding day, but on the other haNd it still hurts a lot the way she acted.

AIBU? Should I just be over it by now? I should shouldnt I? And if anyone has any suggestions on how I can get over it, please tell me. Please be gentle.

Yanbu at all. My MIL wore all black to our wedding, it still irks me now. She wire nicer outfits to her other ds wedding and her dd wedding, I thought we got on.

She clearly made a fool of herself by not making an effort for your wedding but let it go now. Stressing about what may happen at someone else's wedding in the future is pointless.

What an eloquent post hole, you have behaved with such grace and dignity. I feel very sad for you. My mum comes every month to stay with us, in laws once a year, for a month as they live abroad. Have you sat down with your ds and had a talk to him about how you feel, mabey being so busy he doesent realise. Do you go,and see them?

Complex feelings, my arse! How hard is it to be happy for your son that he has found someone he wants to make a future with? Some women are far too over involved with their sons, and I speak as a the mother of two sons and I fully intend to be ecstatically happy at their weddings!

I feel the same way dollius , I have a little ds and hope that I will be happy for him and out my feelings to one side on his special day if he does get married. Of course if he is in an abusive relationship, that woukd be hard. I try my best to make my in laws welcome. I think in their opinion, I'm the best of a bad bunch, they don't like dh sister's husband,nor do they like his brothers wife either. Dh is their longed for first born, he was very pampered by mil. Goid thing they live in another country .

I think yabu to still be hurt about it. It was silly of her and possibly reflects to depression on her part.
My dhs brother who is a nice guy and his not so nice wife walked out of our wedding early without saying thanks or goodnight. It was very childish on their part. It bothered me for a few weeks and then I thought to hell with them - don't get dragged down to their level. As someone else said note what's been done but don't dwell on it.

I understand we're you're coming from OP and it will sting on the day.. You'll have a rant about it at some point after and it'll be out of your system don't worry.

It's not worth a falling out about but that doesn't mean you won't feel a pang.

Agree about weddings bringing out strange emotions in people. We're getting married in August and when we told MIL there was lots of swearing and 'What on earth do you want to do that for? You're fine as you are, you don't need to ruin what you have by wasting all that money! Look at X and Y (my sister and ex DH), they were happy until they got married, they split not long after the wedding!' Which isn't true, they weren't happy, their wedding was like putting a plaster on a broken leg, it just wasn't going to work out.

I think it can be such a weird situation seeing your oldest get married

For a decent parent, they should feel proud. We're meant to prepare our children for adult life!

BTW my inlaws didn't say a single word to me ALL DAY at our wedding. We took into account loads of their requests and demands and the whole family was pretty obnoxious. I tend not to think about it too much nowadays.

I'm not sure I'd be able to get over behaviour like that. I've never been to a wedding where the parents of the bride and groom haven't made any effort, although I have read about it on here. It might have been a long time ago but it is going to upset you whenever you think about your wedding day.

I'd maybe suggesting booking to see a counsellor for a couple of sessions to work out how to deal with those emotions so you can feel happy at your BIL's wedding.

Dollius How old are your sons? Are you speaking from experience ? No you are not.
All the replies from Mumsnetters who have not been there yet, is interesting really, but not as useful as someone who has experienced the situation first hand.
I think everyone would accept that it is impossible to tell anyone who is childless, what it is like to have a child. Even if they are health care professionals.
Being a MIL is not like having one. You are not a MIL yet Dollius and neither are you Aeroflotgirl. I respect your opinion ( more than you did mine) but you are giving it without any knowledge of the experience.

I will never sit down with my DS and tell him how I feel as it is putting my needs before his. I would not put my needs before that of my children. Anyway, generally I am fine and accepting of the situation. It was just his wedding day. I appeared happy and certainly didn't spoil any of it. In fact I contributed more to it than her Mother, both in terms of money and time.

The fact is I will always be his Mother and wives can come and go ( I do hope this doesn't happen to them, with all my heart) But there is the 'Rub'
Just to say again, I am glad he is married and I like my DIL.

They live a long way away but we are invited to stay with them constantly and everyone came to my house for Christmas. All my sons and daughters and GC. ( It was because my house can accommodate them all) It was hard work but lovely. They all said they had a great time together. I feel I am a reasonably successful MIL if they all want to come and stay.

We are going to stay nearby for a week in the Summer but I have booked into a hotel. I don't want to put my DIL under any pressure. She has a very hard and stressful job so I don't think it is fair to stay for a week.

Make the most of your sons when they are small is my advice.

Good lord. It must be hard to move on when you haven't had an explanation, or an apology. And you made an extra effort to include her after the wedding, too! I wonder what she will build up to next - sorry, don't remember if there are children on the scene? I would be wary.
I do think something like depression might account for her actions, but this would be easier to deal with if you knew about it. She might simply have wanted the focus off you.

You are supposed to prepare your DC for life in the big wide world and cheerfully wave them off. If you have to wring your hands and have "complex feelings" about your son doing something that is perfectly natural, then you are emotionally unhealthy.

"He only has one mother but wives come and go". This is completely the wrong attitude. I have a fab relationship with my MIL, we genuinely love each other. My mother, on the other hand, I will probably never see again, so all this "mothers are for life" stuff certainly does not apply to everyone.

Of course you should be preparing the for life outside of home.

That doesn't make letting go easy when it happens though. I was sad at letting go, but did it. I am not emotionally unhealthy.

I can be emotional though, but at a wedding there needs to be an effort made and dignity maintained. I would still have dressed appropriately.

OP - YANBU - and of course your BIL's wedding will bring up the memories and feelings about when your MIL behaved badly towards you, and effectively tried to make her child's wedding day all about her feelings. That's very selfish.

That she's never apologised, suggests it's not dealt with, and she's not accepted what she did was hurtful and wrong, it could be she still thinks about it in terms of her feelings, not how her actions might have effected other people.

I think bringing out your wedding photos might be a good suggestion. See if that can get the conversation started.

But if not, please don't find MIL behaving well and getting excited about her other DS's wedding as a sign you are the 'lesser' DIL. It might well just be she'd not adapted mentally to being the "extended" family, with you and your DS being the 'primary' unit - up until then, you were a girlfriend, one he lived with, and had been dating a long time, but mentally, not the primary relationship. If she's accepted the change in her status from the main person in her children's lives to being extended family, then it will be easier to be happy about BILs wedding, even buy a nice outfit for it.... It's not that she cares about you less than SIL.

I don't think YABU, but I doubt it is worth having it out with her now. If she does dress properly for her other children's weddings I would be inclined to display prominently photos of her at your wedding and the other wedding, perhaps even giving her framed copies as a Mother's Day gift.

Thank you for the comments and I'm so sorry that others have had difficult times with family members on their wedding day. It does seem to bring out the worst in people at times and it is a shame.

Gin your post was quite rude to be honest. I disn't think I was the empress of the world. This was a post about how I'm feeing so yes, it might seem quite focussed on me. I was the bride, my husband was the groom it was primarily a day where the focus was on us on the day as well. However it was a day we were keen to have both our families involved in as much as they wanted to be.

I can't be too specific about some of the incidents leading up to the wedding as it would out me however an example is my MIL got angry that I mentioned I'd be very upset if people took class A drugs at my wedding. In my opinion people can do whatever they like in general but a wedding with children running around is not the place to be taking drugs. She thought this was unreasonable of me because I couldn't stop people and if they wanted to it was perfectly fine. Her sons will occassionally dabble in drugs and she knew this and took it as a criticism of them.

Other things also included her asking to be involved in certain parts of the planning, being invited along to it, arrangements being made around her and her not coming. She also insisted that she wanted to be responsible for the evening buffet. We said that would be nice. She asked what kind of things we would like, we made suggestions and she went and got the opposite. My parent's invited her and FIL for dinner or lunch at their's to try and build a relationship in the run up to the wedding. Fine if they didn't want to go but they just didn't respond. These a just a few of the incidents.

I'm not saying I wasn't bridezilla at all - I had my moments! I've never got so obsessed over what type of napkins people would wipe their face with in my life! I don't however think that I acted in a way that was nasty or dismissive to other people.

I agree that I need to get over it, but it does feel nice to talk it through so thank you everyone. I hope that I can help future SIL through her wedding plans as much as she needs. I think she will be far more blunt than me if MIL did something she didn't like so I guess maybe that might avoid a situation like this anyway.

YANBU in my opinion & I actually think you've been very magnanimous to have acted in this way given you've received no apology from her at all. What a hurtful way for her to behave to you. What did your DH say at the time?

How does she react when she sees herself in the photos looking as she did?

Do the arguments beforehand explain any of it? Were you unreasonable then? That's the only thing I can think of that would explain such horrid behaviour!

hole whoe I was agreeing with you, I said that you were acting in a dignified manner, I hope that I would be like you. I never criticised you.

Cross posts although your comment re SIL being blunt sounds very telling - your MIL sounds like she knows she can dominate you but won't try it with your potential future SIL as she won't let her away with it!!

OP, you sound very gracious, especially in the face of some of the rude and dismissive posts that are on here.

oneowlgirl When she sees the photos she always says what an amazing day it was and how she had the best time ever. It is actually quite bizzarre. I don't know if she is embarrassed and thinks if she says it enough it will be true, or whether she genuinely believes it.

You are very right. She knows she can get away with it with me I think and no one would tell her to snap out of it. She really dislikes SIL because her family are so different from her own.

I think she can also perhaps see the irony in her acting the way she did over our wedding when we have always made an effort and continue to make an effort, and with nothing having changed, where as since BIL met SIL there has been a noticeable change, less contact, him at her family events a lot and not seeing his own family. All of this is of course fine, but MIL struggles with that a great deal.

DH was really hurt at the time as with the exception of his father, all of his immediate family members had been quite odd in the run up to our wedding and caused problems in ways he just couldn't understand.

Meh you are nicer than me OP, it would be a cold day in hell before I took MiL bridal shopping, if fact I would be making sarky comments about which dog walking trousers she would be wearing this time. I am one to nurse a grudge though.

Thanks again everyone. I have tried to deal with this well and accept it but it does make me worry about what future events MIL is going to be upset about.

Funny thing is I had read so many Bridezilla friends on here in the run up to the wedding that I was determined to try and be considerate of others and not go into meltdown because someone had the wrong colour nails or something silly! I do think I dealt with this all pretty well but it's the getting over it but that in struggling with.