Aibu to sti be hurt by this mil incident

[Thedragonsinthebedroom]

I probably am and probably just need someone to (hopefully nicely) knock some sense into me.

My DH and I were together for 10 years before we got engaged, living together for five years. I had always got on amazingly with his family, his mother in particular, until we got engaged.

When we got engaged it all changed. There were arguments within the family with his brothers but all resolved by the wedding day and his siblings behaved amazingly and helped to give us an amazing day. I admit I was still a bit hurt at the time but they really did come up trumps on the day, even if it was all rather last minute.

His mother however cried her way through the day, didn't get dressed up (to the point of wearing shoes with holes in but did not have financial issues) and looked really upset for the entire day, to the point where several friends commented on how unhappy she looked and why she hadn't made more of an effort. I have always avoided commenting on it when people have mentioned to me but it did really hurt. It made me feel not good enough for her son, even though I knew that she had always given the impression up to that point, that she really loved me. I just didn't understand why she wouldn't make an effort!

Since the wedding I think mil realised that nothing had changed in our relationships and all her worries about how she would no longer see her son were unfounded. We made an extra special effort to see her often after we got married and I think that help.

In general things are fine with us. However we were out with BIL and his girlfriend this evening and on the way home I mentioned that I would be really hurt when (which I sort of see as inevitable) his mother makes more of an effort for their wedding than she did for ours. I would never say anything and would just be very upset about it, but DH thinks i'm being totally unreasonable to be upset about this. It's not that I don't think she should make an effort, I do and actually think I should encourage her and probably take her shopping or something. But it still really hurts than in our wedding photos she's wearing shoes with holes in and trousers she goes dog walking in.

I think I'm confused. Of course I would want future sil to have an amazing wedding day and wouldn't want MIL to act weird on their wedding day, but on the other haNd it still hurts a lot the way she acted.

AIBU? Should I just be over it by now? I should shouldnt I? And if anyone has any suggestions on how I can get over it, please tell me. Please be gentle.

*friends?!? I mean threads!

I'm surprised at some of the hostile responses to the OP.

I don't think it's acceptable to dwell in self pity on your child's wedding day (mental illness aside). I get that it's emotional when your children grow up and move on but it's wrong to be outwardly miserable about it. It's not about YOU for fuck sake. My mother was like this on my wedding day. Crying and moaning the night before, then on the day she had a face like stone and barely spoke to anyone. I have moved on (she was an awful mother generally so I'm estranged from her now) but I still maintain that it's unacceptable.

Surely you should be happy for your son/daughter? Surely the joy that they've found love and a nice partner should over ride your sentimentality?

I think it's a bit narcissistic to be so upset, as to not even dress up for the occasion. Like she had to show her sadness to everyone there. Sorry but sometimes in life you have to get on with it for the sake of others. It's called being a mum.

Do what you can then Op to move past it but have a healthy level of wariness & try to speak up if you can to not let her ruin anything in future.

Totally love Tinkly's suggestion of asking her which dog walking trousers she'll be wearing this time!!

That said, you're not being unreasonable, op to be hurt. No matter what was going on in her head or how raw she was feeling, she was completely out of order. It's easy to say 'let it go' but that's hard when she hasn't even acknowledged what she did, let alone apologised.

If I had upset someone badly then I think I would always want to be told about it, no matter how difficult that might be. So I'm going to come down on the side of raising it with her. Do you have your wedding photo on display? Could you - or your husband - point it out to her and say 'MIL' you normally look so lovely, what on earth happened?

I think the 'let it go' school of thought is the right one here. Op, you sound utterly, utterly lovely. Weddings can be such a difficult mish-mash of everyone's demands and opinions and you did fabulously to try and be so considerate (I have known a few Bridezillas in my time, awful, awful weddings, so stressful).

It must be hard, being a MIL, especially watching your pfb get married. I have two sons and can only hope and pray I learn how and when to be gracious, kind and supportive when they meet their partners, and when they marry. But if I'm honest, I can admit that I'll cry at their weddings. Not at the loss; they'll always be my children. But at their happiness. All I want in life is for them to grow up to be happy, secure and thriving. Everything else is secondary.

OP, aren't you a tiny but tempted to respond to a discussion about what she should wear to BIL's wedding with a breezy 'oh, why don't you wear what you wore to ours?'

my MIL got angry that I mentioned I'd be very upset if people took class A drugs at my wedding

I don't know where to start with this.

dollius you are not a MIL. I know you are not. You are not talking from experience. You suggest my opinions are expressed because I am emotionally unhealthy. Are you a Psychiatrist ? Isn't name calling a form of bullying?
I would have talked like you when my sons were at the stage of early adult hood. It is called the 'optimism' of youth.

I am glad that you have the confidence to think that you are not going to feel anything but 'unmitigated Joy ' when your DS gets married to whoever.
Mmmmm, but really you are not going to know how you are going to feel, do you? Because it hasn't happened to you yet.
Best of luck.
Let's hope that your DS's beautiful Gf, isn't just on her best behaviour and then goes on to reveal that she is the wife from hell, refuses to let your DS see you and you don't get to see your GC either.
I have seen it happen to a really lovely friend of mine. Heartbreaking. Five years on they are all back in touch and she has never found out what she said or did. Meanwhile, to watch my dear friend sob intermittently for five years, was distressing.

I have no axe to grind on behalf of MILs either, as because of divorces I have two. Both of whom I have got on with by keeping my mouth tight shut. Despite my MILs jealousy and utterly outrageous behaviour. The Step MIL relationship was very different and we genuinely love each other.
Her ( my DH's birth Mother) behaviour taught me a lasting lesson.
I think the MIL/ DIL is one of the most challenging relationships to get right. However I am doing my best.

Loving Jassy's suggestion! "Ooh MIL, another chance to crack out the old dog-walking slacks, eh?!"

Name calling??

Actually my relationship with my MIL is not difficult or complicated and I don't have to keep my mouth shut tight to get along with her. We both have our faults, but we have a very good relationship. She recently was an absolute rock for me during the death of a close friend and I believe we genuinely love each other. Probably because she doesn't wring her hands about losing her precious son (and trust me, she thinks the sun shines out of his behind).

I hope I will raise my sons with enough emotional maturity and self esteem not to choose partners who "refuse to let him see us" (I mean, really how often does this actually happen. I know of no such case). But if either of them does, I will have to suck it up, because that is what you do when you are a parent.

It is Not normal to behave at a wedding the way this MIL did and all these posts trying to excuse her behaviour are ridiculous. In my opinion. And, yes, I do have a, let's put it this way, a good knowledge of psychoanalysis and, really, a lot of women do over invest in their adult sons and, yes, it is emotionally unhealthy.

Even though I am not a MIL, hole I do agree with you. I think you have dealt with the situation very well, though why don't you sit down with your ds and have a talk. Do you go there at all? My dh brother, is married to a lady who really does not want much to do with his family. She has her mother round often, but when my in laws come, they never get invited over, they stay with me and dh. Despite them being not the easiest people, I understand that they are dh parents, and try to make them welcome. I think over the years, they have warmed to me more, especially when I am the one who makes them welcome in our home, we have had no major issues. If they have offended me, I have told them in a discrete and pleasant way.

One day hopefully, I may be a MIL, I hope to remain close to my children. Yes I would be very upset if my ds, treated me like holes ds has and others on here.

Mypaternal GM didnt even come to my parent's wedding. My mother was of a religion she disapproved of, and they moved the wedding up a month on short notice. Grandma was doubly sure not to go then, because you know what that means! What it actually meant was dad had vague advice from his Commanding Officer about Cuba getting hot and the leave for his wedding maybe wouldnt happen, and someone else giving up their leave for the immediate weekend and her friends and family coming together to make it happen a week sooner. (And, history tells us the Cuba thing came to pass, but on a schedule that would not have interfered as it turns out.)

My mother and grandma referred to each other as Mrs. Samelastname until Grandma died a decade later. i do not recall grandma coming to our house but once, a brief stop in one afternoon after my 3rd db was born.

i understand your hurt. And how it will feel renewed if she does better this time. But it wont really feel 'better' if she does the same, will it? I am sure you will wear your big girl pants and not make anything awkward at SIL wedding because of it. Would be nice if your Dh could have just said "I understand" instead of telling you off for how you feel.

My mil paid for my wedding dress, totally took over with everything, more or less pushed us into getting married, we were engaged but didn't mind waiting a while to actually set a date but no she wanted us married off.
Then spent the day scowling at my dh and telling him he was an idiot, during our honeymoon I left the keys to our flat with her so we didn't lose them while away, and when we got back she told us our flat was a tip. I'm very house proud but were were living in a tiny 1 bed flat and my dh step father made sure he took everything he owned with him when he moved out of his mothers and it was to much for our small space.
I lost a pregnancy while were were on honeymoon and she knew about It, she picked is up from the airport and said "emms might not be pregnant now but I'm sure it won't be long before she is again so you better get your act together"
Charming I was starting married life sobbing my eyes out.
She now hardly ever talks to me and all comunication is done via dh facebook! We have now been married almost 9 years and have 2 sons. I don't take any notice of her. I don't get why some mil hate their dil so much and I don't care when it comes to her.

Mumsnet is a strange place sometimes. Cry when your child starts school and posters will be kind and sympathetic. Yet admit to mixed emotions when your child passes any kind of adult landmark and posters (normally with small children) will turn up to lecture you about being emotionally unhealthy and over invested.

Hole I hope you're ok.

Thanks Aeroflotgirl
Aw, the son in question has just Skyped me and signed off with ' I love you very much Mum'. Things are not dire for me at all. I am sorry if I painted a picture of handwringing, etc.
I did have mixed emotions at their weddings. ( I just can't reconcile myself to being emotionally unhealthy because of them) It was the same when the girls got married. I sniffed a bit then.
I think it was to do with looking back on my own Wedding day and wanting them to be as happy as I am, and the fact that from now on we probably wouldn't be sitting around the table with just my own little family and my DH. ( in fact, all of us have never been alone as a family since they all got partners and I miss it.) There was also the feeling that their childhoods had flashed by so quickly and you can't go back.
They were such good times. We have the same sense of humour and shared history. The partners come from different backgrounds. I have no problem with that but they have to be accommodated and respected and I have to be accepting. I don't have to make any effort with my own children. We are just us.
Yes the MIL in this case did behave badly and I was trying to put forward a possible reason for her behaviour. I wanted the Op to move on and forgive her. She hadn't murdered anyone after all. What she did wasn't unforgivable. Mostly MIL's get roundly condemned by people on MUMSNET who have not experienced being a MIL.

We have to beg to differ 'Dollius.' Also we haven't heard from your MIL about what she really thinks of you. i think it is pretty unlikely she will ever tell you. If you quarrel with a DIL you are in danger of losing your son and grandchildren. Go on Gransnet and you will see how common it is.

My own mother longed for a son and when at last she got one, she doted on him. He went on to marry a very controlling woman and my Mother hardly saw him. My SIL doesn't know to this day how much my Mother felt intimidated by her and disliked her. She liked my Mother. It was only when my Mother got very old that she expressed her opinion about my SIL to me, that I found out. I was astonished that she had been able to conceal her real feelings for years.

I think your MIL sounds brilliant Dollius and I am glad that you get on.

I have six girlfriends all about my age and they are all MILs and have been DILs. They have exactly the same opinions about children's partners as I have and we all agree that there are differences between DIls and SILs.

In some cases I do hear both sides. I am close to their children and some of their DIls as well. Some of my friends put their foot in it and some of the DILs are ready to go to war over trivia. It depends on the personal issues they all have. The situation that I described has happened to two of them. Most people will not talk about any family rift, unless you are very close. I have never talked about one of my DILs having had PND to anyone.

I do think that to claim that someone is 'emotionally unhealthy' you would need to be, at the very least a trained Psychologist or a Psychiatrist, not just have some knowledge of Psychoanalysis.
I have some knowledge of Psychoanalysis as well, and that it what it is, 'some knowledge'

floisame I am absolutely fine, but thanks very much for your concern.
I love the debate. I am not keen on being labelled as being emotionally unhealthy but it's MUMSNET. It is not as though Freud is pronouncing on my state of emotional health, after all.
I know who I am and I know what I feel and I think I am robustly defending my point of view with dignity.
There is always two sides to any argument, isn't there?
Xx

I know hole one chapter on your life closes, another opens. I am so pleased your ds Skyped you that is fantastic . That is so sad for your mother, and I hope it never happens to me. First of all I hope both my children have partners which make them happy and treat them respect, I hope that we get on really well with them. Yes that situation has happened for by husbands brother, his wife has argued with my in lawys and now they hardly see them. My mother in law tells me she does not like her daughter in law, but tolerates her when she sees her. MIL can be very interferring and can be difficult, but I let her know in a reasonable fashion when she has been out of line. My mother is 10X more difficult than MIL so I have experience of difficult mothers .

Yes there are always 2 sides to every situation, on here you do get the daughter in laws side a lot, toxic in laws/parents, interferring, but yes some DIL can be difficult too, its not always one sided.

And only on Mumsnet will you be berated for caring that your MIL turned up to your wedding looking like a dog's dinner. I have never attended a wedding where the mother of the groom didn't make an effort to look nice. Strange behaviour and I would also find it hard to forgive and forget.

It sounds horrible, selfish and very hurtful behaviour on behalf of your Mil. Sounds v controlling and that she has no way of talking through her feelings with friends etc. She wanted to make her point and she did just that. It reflects very poorly on her. Very teenagery, immature behaviour. Can u maybe just try feel sad for her? She seems very insecure and unhappy. If she does make an effort at next wedding it says more about her than you. Also sounds as if no one has ever stood up to her before. Maybe a firm approach when she does anything out of order might work.

I find myself treading carefully with my DD and her dh. I want my dsil to know he is special to me and love him for loving my DD. I treat them equally and don't expect to take precedence over him. It can be weird when your kids settle into fully formed adult lives, but your mil is going to miss a lot if she resorts to this horrible way of expressing her feelings.

How was it that her own close family (her husband, other adult children?) let her attend a wedding in her dog walking outfit? Presumably you didn't see her until you arrived at the registry office /church, but other people must have seen her before she left the house! Did no one say anything?

Like other people, I would have assumed it was an indicator of depression or general mental health problems...

Just wondering how it was interpreted by other family members...?

That's very true Hubris - surely someone must have said something before she left the house??

You aren't being unreasonable, it wasn't nice, but don't let it spoil your relationship. My MIL wore black from head to foot for my wedding, not a hint of colour, oh she did have a white hankie which she sobbed into throughout the service. It wasn''t nice either but I decided to see the funny side, don't let yourself be hurt.

You say you were together 10 years but not your ages. If you started going out at 13 and got married really young then maybe your mil was just upset her son was settling down so early. I know a lot of mums would be upset if their sons married young and to their first girlfriend. But I'm guessing BIL is older so she is happy to see him marry?

Could this be it?

That wasn't to excuse her behaviour btw, just maybe an explanation. I very much agree that YANBU.