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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About who makes the decision?

57 replies

ScathingContempt · 17/04/2015 22:19

Partner comes home from work and wants a lift to the shop (I drive, they can't). Two similar shops, roughly equal distance away, neither any easier or harder to get to. I ask which shop they would like to go to and their answer is 'whichever you prefer'. I don't want to go to the shop, I have no intention of going in and buying anything so I say they have to decide because it's them who wants to go to the shop. They reply 'I really don't care, just take me to either'. In the end, I refused to move the car until they made a decision but they went in a big huff about it, slamming the car door when getting out in the car park (with sleeping baby in car).

This exchange happens regularly but today I was more snappy about their lack of decision.

Subject was brought up just before and they cannot see why it pisses me off. They don't see why they should have to decide. One reason given is 'I've been at work making decisions all day, I'm tired of making decisions'. I find this pretty insulting, as a sahp of 3 teens and a young baby, it's not like I don't make any decisions. All meal planning, cooking, shopping and chore-organising falls to me, which feels like a day in, day out responsibility, not something I can walk away from a the end of a shift. They might not be massive decisions but it is relentless.

I am sick of making decisions for other people.

Aibu to expect to be told which fucking shop they want to go to?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/04/2015 22:22

I think you massively over reacted and should have just driven to one.

But I have a feeling it was due to this.... All meal planning, cooking, shopping and chore-organising falls to me, which feels like a day in, day out responsibility

Does your DP not pull his/her weight at home at all?

Sirzy · 17/04/2015 22:25

Just drive to the shop. Hardly worth getting into an argument about.

momtothree · 17/04/2015 22:29

I know where u are coming from!!

Satsumafairy · 17/04/2015 22:31

Depending on their job I'd imagine your dp has to make decisions in work too. I'd just have driven to a shop. I do know what you mean to an extent though. I feel slightly aggravated when I ask someone if they want tea or coffee and they say "either, whichever is easier"! They're both easy just choose!!!!

SolidGoldBrass · 17/04/2015 22:32

Tell your DP that you are not going to any shop and s/he can get on the bus.

Original poster
ScathingContempt · 17/04/2015 22:33

I think it's because it's a typical response to a question. 'Do you want tea or coffee?' 'I don't know, what are you having?'. 'Would you like some supper?' 'Are you having any?'. Whereas my answers are actual answers when asked those questions.

I think they think they are making it easier for me but it feels like I always have to decide.

Worra, no I do most of it because I'm the one who is at home.

Sirzy, but which one?! Grin

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 17/04/2015 22:34

Since the shop doesn't matter, you the driver choose.

Original poster
ScathingContempt · 17/04/2015 22:35

Satsuma, it's my DP who said that they have been making decisions all day, not me.

OP posts:
RB68 · 17/04/2015 22:38

I hate this, the indecision - drives me for mad - what do you fancy for tea, dunno what is there or Food or something to eat I have walked off and left him to it before - he knows it drives me mad and has become a game so i don't rise - i just cook - and any sign of a moan I just say - don't even go there. How is he getting to and from work, are there no shops there, what is it he wants could he not have asked you to get it when shopping etc. But other than that I would just have got in the car and driven to one without even considering the decision. But only if he was being nice - I was doing him a favour!!!

Hassled · 17/04/2015 22:38

Partner should have sorted out shopping needs on way home from work - if shops are equidistant from your house, that sort of implies that they probably passed one?

I absolutely see where you're coming from re the decision making. If you're the person who shops/cooks/does family admin/oversees the kids, your life is one long sequence of making decisions. Throw one more ridiculous need to make another decision into the mix and I'd lose the plot too.

Doilooklikeatourist · 17/04/2015 22:39

I wouldnt have driven him anywhere
If they want to go to the shop , then go there , it's not me wanting to go there

JellyMould · 17/04/2015 22:42

Sounds like an argument out of nothing. Having said that, I find it slightly odd that neither of you genuinely have any opinion on shop preference.

BackforGood · 17/04/2015 22:49

I too think you massively over-reacted.

I would presume that - as you were doing them a favour by driving them somewhere, they were leaving it for you to make the choice as it made no difference to them, but one might be easier to drive to/park at/not have to turn across the rush hour traffic / whatever, so up to you. Sounds like you were just being childish.

Doilooklikeatourist · 17/04/2015 22:55

She wasn't being childish !
He wanted a lift somewhere but couldn't be arsed to make a decision .

Satsumafairy · 17/04/2015 22:58

Apologies, I misread that. You're right op. It's bloody annoying. My DW (who is fabulous in almost every other conceivable way) has a habit of saying "would you do me a really, really, really big favour?" And then says something like "could you pass me my jumper"!! Aaaaarrrgh! Yes, of course I can and it's not a massive favour is it?

mynewpassion · 17/04/2015 23:00

But he wasn't fuss as to either one will have the supplies needed so as the driver, OP should have chosen.

FireCanal · 17/04/2015 23:00

You were probably being a bit grumpy, but unless there's a reason he can't have a driving licence partner needs to learn to drive.

I don't quite get grown ups who require lifts here, there and everywhere. Particularly if they have access to a car.

CycleChic · 17/04/2015 23:03

"I ask someone if they want tea or coffee and they say "either, whichever is easier"! "
Next time, put a tea bag into a cup of coffee Grin with a sweet smile and "I brought u both! "

CalamitouslyWrong · 17/04/2015 23:05

I don't think the OP over-reacted. Yes, it's an over-reaction if this were a one off, but it's just the standard pattern.

It is incredibly frustrating having to make all the decisions (especially if the decision-refuser then complains about what you choose, when they wouldn't volunteer a bloody opinion).

If your partner wanted something from the shops and required you to provide a lift, they could at least have had the decency to specify where they wanted to go.

PeppermintCrayon · 17/04/2015 23:09

So you're really pissed off about having to make this decision and can't just easily make it. But you're also pissed off that your partner can't easily make it?

You do see the hypocrisy?

Original poster
ScathingContempt · 17/04/2015 23:10

Hassled, that's it. When they leave work they think they leave decision making behind but I have it all day every day.

Back for good, I understand what you mean but it really is just as easy to drive to one than the other so it makes no odds to me which car park I sit in for 5 mins while they nip into the shop.

I don't mind driving there, they got a lift home and didn't like to make the colleague go out of their way and I do consider the car ours and would happily drive for a few of mins rather than have my partner walk an hour round trip.

I do wonder, those of you who think IABU, have you had the experience of living with someone who never makes a decision? Grin I have calmed down now so can see how it might have been an overreaction to that isolated incident, but I think it's just the culmination of years of the same. Straw that breaks a camel's back and all that!

OP posts:
Original poster
ScathingContempt · 17/04/2015 23:14

Peppermint crayon, no I could make a decision but since its not me needing to go to a shop, why do I have to make it? Why is the onus on me to decide when I'm already going out of my way to do a favour?

FireCanal, we can't afford endless tests and lessons! Think Maureen from Driving School! Some people are just not safe to be on the road!

OP posts:
Babymamamama · 17/04/2015 23:26

Why don't you ask partner to do internet shopping. Problem solved.

Original poster
ScathingContempt · 17/04/2015 23:39

Because it wasn't a big weekly shop, they wanted to pick something up on the spur of the moment.

OP posts:
MelonBallersAreStrange · 18/04/2015 00:01

I totally understand the feeling of not wanting to make another bloody decision. I get it a lot when tired.

I find it very odd for the non-driver / non-decision maker to not make a decision when you said you were too tired to decide.

I can see only three reasons:

  1. You were very aggressive in your way of asking for a decision, so it turned into a power struggle.
  2. You were perfectly lovely in the way you said it and s/he is an entitled bastard who doesn't care about your feelings.
  3. You are both knackered. In which case neither of you should have been gong to the shops.

I have to ask.... What was the impulse purchase?