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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About who makes the decision?

57 replies

ScathingContempt · 17/04/2015 22:19

Partner comes home from work and wants a lift to the shop (I drive, they can't). Two similar shops, roughly equal distance away, neither any easier or harder to get to. I ask which shop they would like to go to and their answer is 'whichever you prefer'. I don't want to go to the shop, I have no intention of going in and buying anything so I say they have to decide because it's them who wants to go to the shop. They reply 'I really don't care, just take me to either'. In the end, I refused to move the car until they made a decision but they went in a big huff about it, slamming the car door when getting out in the car park (with sleeping baby in car).

This exchange happens regularly but today I was more snappy about their lack of decision.

Subject was brought up just before and they cannot see why it pisses me off. They don't see why they should have to decide. One reason given is 'I've been at work making decisions all day, I'm tired of making decisions'. I find this pretty insulting, as a sahp of 3 teens and a young baby, it's not like I don't make any decisions. All meal planning, cooking, shopping and chore-organising falls to me, which feels like a day in, day out responsibility, not something I can walk away from a the end of a shift. They might not be massive decisions but it is relentless.

I am sick of making decisions for other people.

Aibu to expect to be told which fucking shop they want to go to?

OP posts:
CycleChic · 18/04/2015 06:16

Does either shop do loyalty cards? I had something similar about dinner until I gave up and just started cooking what I felt like. So if one does a loyalty card, I'd suggest going there and when he wants to go to'a shop",it's always that one.

Nolim · 18/04/2015 06:22

It seems that the choice of shop was the trigger but the underlying reason for the row was that both of you are tired and feel unappreciated by the other one.
Would that be a fair assesment?

Variousrandomthings · 18/04/2015 06:22

Can't he cycle? I think its a bit unfair expecting you to be his chauffeur constantly, especially with a tiny baby.

Can't he get the item in his lunch break or on his way home?

Variousrandomthings · 18/04/2015 06:23

How far is the shop? How many miles?

Variousrandomthings · 18/04/2015 06:24

Could he get off the bus early, go to the shop and walk home

florentina1 · 18/04/2015 07:33

YANBU my OH drives me nuts. Especially when a question just requires a yes or no answer or a decision between two alternatives. Just make your fucking mind up. Not relevant what I want, if it was I would not have given you a choice. I don't need you to sound out your complete thought process just think about it in you head the tell me.

CiderRules · 18/04/2015 07:46

This won't help with any underlying issues but when OH and I are both too tired to make a decision about something we narrow it down to two options and flip a coin. It avoids the whole "you decide", "no, you decide", "MAKE A DECISION" fight beautifully.

AlternativeTentacles · 18/04/2015 07:52

My OH sometimes is indecisive.

I give him the look, which is 'The two options are x and y. If you do not choose one then you get neither.'

peggyundercrackers · 18/04/2015 07:55

yabu just drive to a shop, any shop, doesn't matter. picking a shop to go to isnt really making a decision is it? I wish I had so important decisions to make every day...

Chchchchangeabout · 18/04/2015 08:09

Toss a coin.

ScrambedEggAndToast · 18/04/2015 08:15

Sorry OP but from an outsiders perspective it seems a bit ridiculous. Next time, just drive to a shop. Less stress for everyone.

firesidechat · 18/04/2015 08:16

All those posters who can't see an issue have obviously never lived with someone who won't make decisions for themselves. I understand op and yes it is infuriating.

We can all be like this sometimes, but when it's all the time it wears you down and leads to threads like this.

MidniteScribbler · 18/04/2015 08:30

I completely sympathise OP. I hate people who can't just give you a straight answer when you ask them something. It sounds like the relative who lives with me.

"Do you want steak or fish for dinner?"
"Oh I don't mind, whatever you want."
Cooks steak.
"I was really looking forward to a piece of fish tonight."

Why didn't you just fucking say so?!?! Argh.

Original poster
ScathingContempt · 18/04/2015 08:56

Midnitescribbler our dinner decision conversations go like this :

Me: Any ideas what you fancy for dinner tonight?
Partner: No, I don't mind, anything.

Me: How about X?
P: Ugh no don't fancy that.
Me: Okay how about Y?
P: Bleurgh
Me: Well you choose something!
P: Anything, I don't mind.
Me: Well how about Z?
P: Nah don't fancy that.

Argh! Discussions on where to go out for the evening elicit similar responses.

I know the shop thing probably seemed trivial but it's the tip of the iceberg and I think I just snapped!

peggyundercrackers no need to be so condescending ,of course we all have more important things to make decisions on but sometimes that means you want a mental break from having to make trivial ones that aren't actually your responsibility. The point is that my partner seems to feel they can opt out of making decisions for themselves and sometimes I'd just like to not have to think for everyone!

OP posts:
Mrsstarlord · 18/04/2015 09:00

Scathingcontempt
The end of that conversation in this house would go
Me: OK, I'm going to have A, I can make extra for you if you want it or you can make yours when you've made your mind up.
FWIW the person who wants to go should make the decision IMO

AuntieStella · 18/04/2015 09:03

Peppermint crayon, no I could make a decision but since its not me needing to go to a shop, why do I have to make it?

Because on this particular example, as he could get his stuff from either shop, he's giving you the chance to decide based on parking, which route your prefer to drive, likely congestion etc, none of which he will weigh up as well as you do because he is a non-driver.

To me, he's being both reasonable and considerate on that particular example. To you he isn't, but that's because you have long running communication difficulties and so you see the pattern, not the specific incident.

I guess you see his poor communication as a reflection of him not putting thought and effort into the relationship.

CumberCookie · 18/04/2015 09:04

I would find that so annoying! OP might have overreacted but if partner NEVER EVER make a blinking decision about ANYTHING it would wind me right up.

FenellaFellorick · 18/04/2015 09:06

I completely understand. It is infuriating. My mother is like this and it makes me want to scream.

In her case it's a) so she can blame someone else if it turns out to be the wrong decision and b) because it's some ridiculous test. If you truly love her you Wil pick the correct option. Because although she claims to not know/not care... you get it wrong and watch the face!

I wonder if your partner is similar? I do think you need to sit down with her and tell her how it's actually quite aggressive behaviour to refuse to make decisions, particularly when she then as in the case of the food and I bet LOADS of others, she clearly does.
I think you should challenge her on it. No preference means NO PREFERENCE therefore no complaining or saying no to your choice once she has abdicated responsibility.

Aridane · 18/04/2015 09:06

YABU on the basis of your first post.

But with the drip feeding backstory, I now see how it irritated you. Smile

AlternativeTentacles · 18/04/2015 09:11

I don't have dinner decisions - I have a whiteboard with days on it. Next to the days, I put what we are having for dinner. I cook as I enjoy it and so I cook what I want. I usually do lighter meals when he goes to play tennis that evening. Fridays and Sundays we have a meal that is set in stone. As we grow most of our veg I tend to use what we have harvested and do a mix of rice/potato/pasta throughout the week. As we don't eat meat there are never any arguments about it.

Nolim · 18/04/2015 09:14

It really anoys me when someone refuses to make decisions and then complain about the decision someone else had to take. It is like refusing to help and then bot taking responsibility.

Variousrandomthings · 18/04/2015 09:18

You haven't answered my questions. How far is the shop? Are there shops near work or on the way home from work?

Deliaskis · 18/04/2015 09:22

Whilst it seems on the face of it quite ridiculous to have got into a row about this, I do think there's a broader point here. Division of labour at home seems, from the info we have, to be uneven, but even if that was no issue at all, I do think there should be more recognition for the complete energy drain that is having to be the thinker for everyone. It can be exhausting, and I would be a bit infuriated living with someone who would never make a decision about anything, particularly if in the context of 'but I've been at work all day'. Dh and I have pretty equal division of actual jobs at home, and both work full time in fairly intense jobs, and I do still find it hard work having to do all the thinking. Dh would have driven himself to the shop, but if he couldn't for any reason, and he wouldn't decide which shop he wanted to go to, it would be a bit irritating.

ClumsyNinja · 18/04/2015 09:28

I ditched my exP because he was shit at making decisions (amongst other things!).

'I don't mind, you decide' was his stock response to most things. In reality this translates as 'I'm a lazy arse and don't want to take any responsibility'.

My DH loves to have an opinion on everything (!) but at least he gets on with it and does stuff. Grin

BathtimeFunkster · 18/04/2015 09:36

You were doing him a favour, so he should have don as you asked and made a decision.

It seems like having you at home acting as chef, chauffeur, and chief bottle washer is giving him status delusions.

Just because it is a "family car" doesn't mean that his inability to drive should force you to drive him around like a teenager.

Tell him to get a bike so he can get himself to the shops like an adult/child of 12.