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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD choosing friends over birthday dinner

64 replies

lia66 · 17/04/2015 12:59

Dd is 20, she's had a troubled few years (feel free to search me ) and is finally in a good job, seeing a young lad, and has proper friends, planning holidays etc. I am absolutely thrilled and relieved. It was a long 5 years.

So, she is eldest of 6, we have a tradition that we have had as long as forever that whoever's birthday it is chooses where they would like to have dinner and we all attend unless the person is at work.

Yesterday was dd3's 10th birthday, on Tuesday dd1 announced that she was going out that night. I said, but you'll come for dinner first though right? (dinner is 5/6pm latest as youngest dd is only 4 ). She then said she was working until 4pm so instead she would take dd3 out for dinner herself, just the 2 of them, on Weds instead. Ok.

Morning of Weds, dd1 was supposed to come into town with myself and other 2 dd's to buy dd3's presents, we left the house at 9.30 and dd1 decided she was too tired to get up and come. (she'd been out night before but was in around midnight/1am I think ). I was irritated but took other girls and we had a nice morning shopping, having coffee and cake etc. I bought present from dd1 which she paid for.

Weds, dd1 took dd3 as promised, to Frankie and Benny's (d3 choice).

Thursday morning arrived, dd3 birthday, all well, dropped her at her drama class then woke dd1 up for work when I got back. When I woke her up she said "I'm not at work today, I didn't say I was." She left the house at 1 ish, not having seen dd3 on her birthday and hadn't wrapped her gift so I had to do it She stayed at her boyfriend's last night.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off? Maybe I am, she's an adult now, but she's had all of her exciting birthdays and we all still do dinner for her (her bd was in March ), as we do for myself and dh too. I wouldn't have minded if she was at work, the timings were awkward etc but she was just going into town with a friend and then going out.

Perfectly happy to be told am bu, won't stop me being pissed off but maybe i'm expecting too much now she has a real life.

Thank you if you got this far. :)

OP posts:
shewept · 17/04/2015 13:05

She is being a bit thoughtless. I assume the birthday girl would like to see her. But I think yabu a little bit.

As kids gets older their priorities change and family life changes. Its just one of those things. Bot all traditions stand the test of time.

She took dd3 out for something to eat and spent time with her. Just because it wasn't on the right day isn't a big deal to me.

She should have wrapped the present though. But she prob knew you would do it for her, it does sound like you do an awful lot for her that she should be doing herself. Like waking her up for work.

Sirzy · 17/04/2015 13:08

She went to the effort to take her out so she did do something for her birthday. In a lot of ways that could have made it even more special getting that 1-1 time with her sister.

As people grow up things change it can be hard to accept but it's life.

WorraLiberty · 17/04/2015 13:09

Oh blimey, I really think you need to stand back and stop micro managing birthdays.

She took her out to dinner which was lovely of her and imo, that was enough of a present.

The fact she chose to buy another present and didn't get around to wrapping it, was her business and you didn't have to wrap it for her.

As you said yourself, she is an adult now.

FantasticButtocks · 17/04/2015 13:11

she's had a troubled few years (feel free to search me ) and is finally in a good job, seeing a young lad, and has proper friends, planning holidays etc. I am absolutely thrilled and relieved. It was a long 5 years. I would be holding on to this , and not fixating on your^ way of doing family birthdays. Just be glad she is well and happy.

PurpleSwift · 17/04/2015 13:16

YANBU to be a bit irritated but everything else, yabu. She's an adult, why are you waking her up and managing her re her sisters birthday?

cleanmyhouse · 17/04/2015 13:16

I think my late teens, early 20's were me at my most selfish. I'm pretty sure she'll grow out of it.

I do think you're micro managing a bit.

Original poster
lia66 · 17/04/2015 13:38

don't you have family traditions then? Like dinner out on birthdays?

OP posts:
firesidechat · 17/04/2015 13:42

Family traditions are all well and good, but don't set them in stone. My children are mid 20's now and all left home, so from experience I would suggest a bit of flexibility and letting go is in order.

firesidechat · 17/04/2015 13:45

Oh and I think the fact that she took her sister out for a meal is fantastic and should be encouraged. Isn't it a good thing that siblings develop a good relationship away from their parents?

deepdarkwood · 17/04/2015 13:46

How sweet of your dd to take her little sister out herself - and presumably pay for it - when she couldn't make the (paid for by you?) family meal. I think that was a lovely thing for her to do, and as others have said, probably very special for dd3.
The thing is - family traditions as you become an adult, and your own relationships become more important. We do a family meal for birthdays at the mo, but mine are only 9 & 11 - I don't especially assume I'll still do it when they are 18 & 20.
As others have said, I think you need to let her go a bit - it was annoying she hadn't wrapped the present but it's really not a huge deal - what's the worst that would have happened if she'd given it to her sister unwrapped? Me & my siblings often don't get round to wrapping each other's presents...

sonjadog · 17/04/2015 13:47

I think that now she is 20, she decides herself if she partakes in family traditions or not.

deepdarkwood · 17/04/2015 13:47

sorry typo: should read family traditions change

NeedABumChange · 17/04/2015 13:48

Sorry but IMO YABU. She's 20.

Original poster
lia66 · 17/04/2015 13:49

Still irritated, I get that once dc leave home things change but did expect that when you live at home, some things still apply. Hey ho.

Thank you for your input.

OP posts:
Mutley77 · 17/04/2015 13:50

Wow you are doing well to get your oldest to 20 and still all going out for every single birthday (8 per year = almost one per month!!!!).

I don't think she was out of order at all. You can't expect her to run her life around her family and siblings, as long as she remembers the birthday would be good enough to me - the whole present and individual dinner out is above and beyond in my view!!!!!!!!!

And yes we have family traditions, but I won't hold my DC to those, I'd rather they don't come than come because they feel they should (but would rather be doing something else).

Tbh I only have 3DC but any of them would be just as happy to have a dinner with only DH & I (quality time) for their birthday as with their sibs if they happened to be busy - not so likely as they are all still 10 and under.

Original poster
lia66 · 17/04/2015 13:54

the birthdays go like this ..

March dd1
April dd3,4,5
July ds2
October ds1

me sept
dh November

Fair enough. I need to get a life Grin

OP posts:
DisappointedOne · 17/04/2015 13:59

With only 1 child (4) and a husband with a dreadful birthday date, we don't have "traditions". We make a fuss of the birthday person - DH chooses when he wants to celebrate his birthday.

Summerisle1 · 17/04/2015 14:00

I think at 20, you really have to accept that your dd has no reason to follow formerly set in stone traditions. We had similar traditions about birthdays but gradually, they fell away as our dcs became adults and organised their own lives.

Be cheered that she took her little sister out for a nice meal.

ChillySundays · 17/04/2015 21:29

Same family tradition here - day of meal is changed if someone working but would not be happy if lied to about working.

My DD is the same age as yours. To be honest if they are still living at home what is so hard about joining in and especially if she was happy for everyone to go out for her birthday.

At the end of the day she lied

RB68 · 17/04/2015 21:41

Traditions are lovely but should guilt people "meant" to b involved. What happens when she has to decide between yours and in-laws for christmas? Her kids birthday or another sibling - things ebb and flow chill. I am the eldest of 6 and its been sad to see some traditions go but its understandable. Hardest was when M&D downsized and now there is no room for us to stay with them, we are expected to get B&B etc So M&D have never seen DD at Christmas - we would have to take MIL as she is on her own and hubs is only child - so that would be min 2 rooms over christmas

Musicaltheatremum · 17/04/2015 21:48

Wow, April is busy.
We always try to do things for birthdays so I understand where you are coming from OP but it is just growing up and priorities changing. I think if she had been in the house on the day of the birthday she could have made an effort to see DD3. My daughter is 22 on Monday and because she has a good friend who is 22 on Monday too w try to do a joint family meal. This year they are both away but we will catch up sometime.
I think hang on to the fact she is happy now, be glad she has taken her sister out and choose your battles.
My family are all in July so that can be really busy but we do try to get together for the weekend sometime in July or August.

Pico2 · 17/04/2015 21:49

I think that setting up traditions like this is setting yourself up for inevitable failure.

ChillySundays · 17/04/2015 22:10

I accept that things will change when my DC leave home.

I can understand how OP feels as her DD was happy for everyone to go out for her birthday and instead of of just being honest she lied and said she was working

Bakeoffcake · 17/04/2015 22:10

Agree with others, just hold on to the fact that dd1 is in a good place at the moment.
Let her do what she needs to, inorder to keep herself well and happy.

Don't be upset with her, praise her for taking the time and money to take her little sister out on her own.

msgrinch · 17/04/2015 22:13

yabu. She's done her celebration with her sister. She took her for dinner. Stop getting involved. This is why my sister and I keep our mother out of things, the constant "you should/she should" drove us insane.