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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD choosing friends over birthday dinner

64 replies

lia66 · 17/04/2015 12:59

Dd is 20, she's had a troubled few years (feel free to search me ) and is finally in a good job, seeing a young lad, and has proper friends, planning holidays etc. I am absolutely thrilled and relieved. It was a long 5 years.

So, she is eldest of 6, we have a tradition that we have had as long as forever that whoever's birthday it is chooses where they would like to have dinner and we all attend unless the person is at work.

Yesterday was dd3's 10th birthday, on Tuesday dd1 announced that she was going out that night. I said, but you'll come for dinner first though right? (dinner is 5/6pm latest as youngest dd is only 4 ). She then said she was working until 4pm so instead she would take dd3 out for dinner herself, just the 2 of them, on Weds instead. Ok.

Morning of Weds, dd1 was supposed to come into town with myself and other 2 dd's to buy dd3's presents, we left the house at 9.30 and dd1 decided she was too tired to get up and come. (she'd been out night before but was in around midnight/1am I think ). I was irritated but took other girls and we had a nice morning shopping, having coffee and cake etc. I bought present from dd1 which she paid for.

Weds, dd1 took dd3 as promised, to Frankie and Benny's (d3 choice).

Thursday morning arrived, dd3 birthday, all well, dropped her at her drama class then woke dd1 up for work when I got back. When I woke her up she said "I'm not at work today, I didn't say I was." She left the house at 1 ish, not having seen dd3 on her birthday and hadn't wrapped her gift so I had to do it She stayed at her boyfriend's last night.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off? Maybe I am, she's an adult now, but she's had all of her exciting birthdays and we all still do dinner for her (her bd was in March ), as we do for myself and dh too. I wouldn't have minded if she was at work, the timings were awkward etc but she was just going into town with a friend and then going out.

Perfectly happy to be told am bu, won't stop me being pissed off but maybe i'm expecting too much now she has a real life.

Thank you if you got this far. :)

OP posts:

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 17/04/2015 22:15

I hated it when, as an adult, my mother guilted me into partaking in family dinners, days out and such. Then again, I resented being at home (long story). As an adult, I felt family time was more 'valued' when I had a chance to 'miss' my siblings. Does that make sense?

I think your daughter did enough, she's beyond being made to stick to tradition, however nice it is.

Original poster

lia66 · 17/04/2015 22:16

I know and understand that they will all grow up and away from the family home, that's ok It's more the lying about being at work because she preferred to go out with her friends. I would have been a bit Hmm, if she'd told me the truth but ok, I get it, she has a life. I want her to have a normal life, she's had such a shit few years.

I also realise that as they all get partners we will have to take our turn with Christmas and such like with in laws somewhere along the way. I'd like to stay in a large house as we get older so that we do have the room to put up adult dc and families too, hopefully that will be an option.

I've been a sahm for such a long time, I need to find something to do I think :)

OP posts:

Original poster

lia66 · 17/04/2015 22:18

I had a shit childhood, I have one sibling who I don't have anything to do with and no parents I think part of it is wanting to form a close family and do things together.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 17/04/2015 22:19

I think YABU too.
She's 20 - she won't want to always do what you've set as a tradition for her when she was a child.
I think I'd e pleased that after a difficult few years, she's now in a good place and was thoughtful enough to take her sister out and spend her own money and time treating her for her birthday. It doesn't have to be the same way that you would have it done.

msgrinch · 17/04/2015 22:20

She probably felt awkward telling the truth as it would ruin the "tradition". I lied all the time to get out of ridiculous things when I wanted to live my own life, I moved out at 18 as well. She has done more than most and celebrated the birthday in their own way.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 17/04/2015 22:29

I wouldn't say being 20 is an excuse.

However she took DD out for lunch which was lovely of her so maybe take it a little easier on here.

Salmotrutta · 17/04/2015 22:33

I've broken out in a cold sweat just reading your OP.

I come from a large family and although birthdays were "special" days it was more day of giving a gift and partaking of the clothier dumpling complete with sixpences.

Grown up children can be "reminded" about a birthday but, seriously, micromanaging the whole thing will send you insane.

Chill out OP.

ScarlettDarling · 17/04/2015 22:33

op could it be the fact that she's so new fangled and excited by having a boyfriend, friends and a social life after so many rubbish years, that she just can't really see past this new exciting life at the min?

Yes, maybe she was a bit selfish, but most of us were at 20. Just be happy for her that she's got this life outside of the family now.

Salmotrutta · 17/04/2015 22:34

clootie dumpling - not "clothier"

Salmotrutta · 17/04/2015 22:37

It's the actual job description of a teen-20s person to be selfish!

That's what they do.

It's about independence and cutting the ties - perfectly reasonable young adult behaviour.

Original poster

lia66 · 17/04/2015 22:40

I am happy for her, god knows we've had a rough few years. I've been there every step of the way.

I did think I was being a tad unreasonable, I acknowledged that in my first post. Doesn't stop me being irritated about her lying. FWIW they were out of the house for exactly one hour for dinner, I dropped them off and picked them up again, dd said she had a nice time and dd1 treated her to smoothie AND pudding.

I want dd to have a fun, normal young life. I don't micro manage as some have suggested, we don't have many traditions and such in general.

Thanks for input anyway. I'm not a control freak parent really :)

OP posts:

ashtrayheart · 17/04/2015 22:42

I would be happy if one of my teenagers decided to go it alone stuck to my side be glad x

Fairenuff · 17/04/2015 22:43

Traditions are great.

Until they become compulsory.

Then they are a pain in neck and it's time to let them go and create new ones that might not always involve the same people.

Flexibility is key to harmony

BuyToLetNovice · 17/04/2015 22:46

If you're not careful, you'll end up as a hated MIL insisting that birthday routines are followed religiously forever more

My MIL even had a whinge at a nephew who was visiting her because he was missing his mother's birthday!!

Oh aye, she's delightful my MIL

msgrinch · 17/04/2015 23:08

Stop being irritated. Your daughter hasn't done anything wrong.

strawberry01 · 17/04/2015 23:36

YABU

She bought her a present and took her out for dinner.

She's an adult you can't tell her what to do or where to be.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/04/2015 23:51

Lia - I would be annoyed by the lying too. But it is worth remembering that you have raised a 20-year-old who cared enough to take her little sister out to celebrate her birthday. And it sounds as if she put in the effort to give her a good time - that says to me that she has a good heart and cares about her siblings - and she got that from you.

I understand why you are working so hard to forge a close, warm family - I think you need to look and see that you have achieved it - the way that you celebrate things might change and evolve (it is bound to, as the dc grow up, and you need to be flexible - if you aren't flexible, things break) - but even though what happens is changing, why it is going to happen will not change - it will happen because you have raised, and are raising a happy, loving family.

Original poster

lia66 · 17/04/2015 23:59

it's ok, it's over. Dd had a lovely birthday, eeked out over a couple of days. DD1 is at work now. I didn't make a fuss to her, just having a moan on here actually. :)

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 17/04/2015 23:59

Ask yourself why she felt the need to lie.

I would have been a bit Hmm, if she'd told me the truth but ok, I get it, she has a life

You have no right to be a bit 'Hmm'...you really don't I'm afraid.

And your being a bit 'Hmm' would no doubt have made her feel guilty, which is not on I'm afraid.

She thoughtfully took her sister out to eat and bought her a present.

So there's no 'Hmm' about it imo.

WorraLiberty · 17/04/2015 23:59

X posted

Glad your dd had a lovely birthday.

Original poster

lia66 · 18/04/2015 00:05

Look, i was irritated that she lied to me about being at work. Of course I have a right to be a bit "Hmm" about being lied to. She still lives under my roof.

It's not a massive deal, I didn't make a fuss, I'm not going to be a controlling mother in law, it's over. She lied because she wanted to go out with her friends, not because she was afraid/bothered about my reaction.

She actually said "I'll take sis out for dinner " after I pulled her up over the lying about being at work, so actually was not planning that. No she didn't have to but it was an afterthought not a lovely treat that she planned for her and her sister. I went out and bought her the present, then dd gave me the money.

They had a nice dinner together, dd had a lovely birthday, everything is fine. I was venting really on here totally prepared to be told I was unreasonable but i'm not some controlling parent that some seem to think I am.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 18/04/2015 00:08

As I said, I X posted.

But the being a bit 'Hmm' wasn't about being lied to. You said you would have been a bit 'Hmm' if she'd told you the truth.

That is what I was commenting on.

Fairenuff · 18/04/2015 00:13

She actually said "I'll take sis out for dinner " after I pulled her up over the lying about being at work, so actually was not planning that

That's not how you explain it in your OP. You said

Weds, dd1 took dd3 as promised, to Frankie and Benny's (d3 choice).

Thursday morning arrived, dd3 birthday, all well, dropped her at her drama class then woke dd1 up for work when I got back. When I woke her up she said "I'm not at work today, I didn't say I was."

So on Thursday morning you still thought she was going to work so weren't aware that she had lied.

Unless I've interpreted it wrong

WorraLiberty · 18/04/2015 00:16

And now you're saying you bought the present and she gave you the money, as well as the fact you felt you had to wrap it.

Doesn't that tell you, you're trying to force this 'tradition' upon your adult daughter? Especially if she only offered to take her sister to dinner after you pulled her up about lying?

Honestly, next year you should leave her to do what she wants to do, and if that means just buying her sister a card and wishing her a happy birthday, that's her choice.

You might not like it, but it's her decision as an adult.

Original poster

lia66 · 18/04/2015 00:52

yes worra that's exactly what I'll be doing :)

OP posts:

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