DD choosing friends over birthday dinner

[lia66]

Dd is 20, she's had a troubled few years (feel free to search me ) and is finally in a good job, seeing a young lad, and has proper friends, planning holidays etc. I am absolutely thrilled and relieved. It was a long 5 years.

So, she is eldest of 6, we have a tradition that we have had as long as forever that whoever's birthday it is chooses where they would like to have dinner and we all attend unless the person is at work.

Yesterday was dd3's 10th birthday, on Tuesday dd1 announced that she was going out that night. I said, but you'll come for dinner first though right? (dinner is 5/6pm latest as youngest dd is only 4 ). She then said she was working until 4pm so instead she would take dd3 out for dinner herself, just the 2 of them, on Weds instead. Ok.

Morning of Weds, dd1 was supposed to come into town with myself and other 2 dd's to buy dd3's presents, we left the house at 9.30 and dd1 decided she was too tired to get up and come. (she'd been out night before but was in around midnight/1am I think ). I was irritated but took other girls and we had a nice morning shopping, having coffee and cake etc. I bought present from dd1 which she paid for.

Weds, dd1 took dd3 as promised, to Frankie and Benny's (d3 choice).

Thursday morning arrived, dd3 birthday, all well, dropped her at her drama class then woke dd1 up for work when I got back. When I woke her up she said "I'm not at work today, I didn't say I was." She left the house at 1 ish, not having seen dd3 on her birthday and hadn't wrapped her gift so I had to do it She stayed at her boyfriend's last night.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off? Maybe I am, she's an adult now, but she's had all of her exciting birthdays and we all still do dinner for her (her bd was in March ), as we do for myself and dh too. I wouldn't have minded if she was at work, the timings were awkward etc but she was just going into town with a friend and then going out.

Perfectly happy to be told am bu, won't stop me being pissed off but maybe i'm expecting too much now she has a real life.

Thank you if you got this far. :)

OP, I think YWBABitU in your first post, but you have dealt with the issue and the posts here really well.

I hope I am as good a parent as you when DS gets older.

Op, yes my family has traditions, however traditions change and we don't do the some years. Because families change. I understand you want things to remain the same. But they won't and trying to force it will only make your dd1 back away more.

You also seem to be convinced that she is definitely the one in the wrong. Your OP said you woke her up on the Thursday for work and she told you she wasn't working and never said she was. Now you are saying you caught her lying before that and that's why she said she would take her out on Wednesday. Which is it? You either daughter her lying in the birthday day or before.

Your op also says that she offered to take dd3 out and now you are saying you told her she had too.

I think she lied as she knew you would be a bit 'hmmm' over her not wanting to take part in your traditions. That seems quite obvious.

The other problem is you seem to micro managing her. Either you forced her to take her sister out, or she offered but you aren't happy as they weren't gone long enough. She is 20 you need to step away .

we have 4 DC aged between 20 and 10 and have exactly the same birthday tradition.so far everybody has wanted to go, but when they get to the stage they don't want to I wouldn't pressure them.
your dd1 did more than enough for her sister. lucky girl got two birthday dinners!

Family traditions change - you have done well to keep them this long.

Lying was the only way she could get out of it without being told off though wasn't it? Which is a bit weird when you should be moving to an adult to adult relationship.

Ironically IME more than 4 or 5 siblings and such a big age gap is a recipe for a family that isn't close. There's enough choice of siblings that you just spend time with the ones you get on best with and can ignore the others without feeling you are missing out. I don't know any families this size where they are close as adults.

Sorry if I came across a bit harsh. I have a dm who although lovely, would have described herself as flexible and non controlling, but that just wasn't true. She was all about family and certainly loved us above anything else but in a way that is just being selfish, as what she meant was she was putting her small family unit of children and husband first rather than pushing us out to go make our own families and lives. Some of the things you say remind me of her.

If you have a big family traditions have to change - when your youngest is 20 yrs your eldest will be 34yrs and you will likely have ILs and grandchildren. Just be pleased that you have managed on the same lines this far and start some new ones.

My view on it is that most people go through this 'selfish' phase as teens. Your daughter missed that because of the issues she had and having friends/going out is sort of a rite of passage they go through. It's not like she completely ignored her sister, she paid for her present and took her for dinner, which was probably really nice for a 10 year old, quality one on one time with her big sister. Traditions like this can die out a bit as children get older and that is something we have to accept. If I were you I would let it go and appreciate that she has her own life now that doesn't revolve solely round family

She lied (and it's not clear from your posts exactly how she lied) because you put her in an awkward position and she didn't want to, or hasn't learnt yet, how to say no to you and cope with these types of situation. Many children do lie and leave out huge gaps in their lives to their parents even as adults. I would have lied too just to have my mother off my case.

You say you are over it but still irritated by the lying. Perhaps look to your own actions first before getting huffy, you know with her still being under your roof and all Just because she is doesn't mean that you can control her every move.

Gosh guys, It's over. I didn't tell her to take her sister out for dinner. She's a good girl and I'm not micro managing her life or anyone elses's. If you knew us then you'd see how that is so far from the truth. We have a great relationship. I was irritated inside, once i'd had my moan at dd at the time, it was over with. We haven't seen her since Thursday morning as she's been at work then her boyfriends.

So, those of you with older children, late teens, young adults, don't ever moan at them don't you? I find that hard to believe.

I'm completely ok with the changing of family dynamics. I do know how families work and evolve.

It's all a bit of a non issue now. I was having a moan.

Maybe what you could do from now on is, if one of the family members can't make it/doesn't want to go to the special dinner, the birthday person gets to pick a friend to take instead.

That makes it extra special for them, doesn't cost any more and lets the other one off the hook. Win win situation?

We d o family birthday dinner i dont think yabu to want her there she could have come w8th you however you cant force her but i dont buy this well they are over 18 so things like this is ok to opt out of you are a family 8 birthday meals a year isnt a huge ask.

Granted there is only 4 of us so not as difficult to organise but we organise birthday dinners as close to the birthday as possible when everybody is free and not working or whatever and the meals now include boyfriends

Traditions have to evolve to meet circumstances. We like to go for a meal with my sister and her family, but now they are all late teens / early 20s, it's nigh on impossible for all 6 of our dc to even be in the same City on a birthday, let a lone all in the same place and not working and not meeting friends. You just go with who is around, and, on the odd occasion everyone is available, then all go out for a meal on that day, even if it's not on anyone's birthdays. It only gets more complicated once you get boyfriends into the mix too.