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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP went mental because I got offered an interview in a job he doesn't approve of

68 replies

Junzuki · 16/04/2015 13:57

I'm a nurse and a few weeks ago I applied for a job in the prison (again, as a nurse). I have looked into it properly and genuinely believe I have more chance of being attacked by a dementia suffering 80 year old than I do by a heavily guarded prisoner.

DP knew I had applied and didn't seem to have much of an opinion on it either way.

Yesterday I learnt that I have been offered an interview. Now all of a sudden he's realised I might actually get this job (thanks for the initial vote of confidence DP!) and has gone off on one saying he doesn't want me doing it because it involves working with men and only men and (although he worded it differently) they'll all want to have sex with me.

AIBU to think that as this is my career, he shouldn't really get to have a say in it? the hours are the same too. I could literally have got this job and started work and he wouldn't have known the difference! out at the same time, home at the same time, same uniform, same shifts patterns .... !? so should I let him have a say in it or is he being draconian?

OP posts:

QueQuesto · 16/04/2015 13:59

He's being a dick.

NobodyLivesHere · 16/04/2015 13:59

Hibu. You are entitled to do any job you like!

TheShouldersOfGiants · 16/04/2015 14:01

He's being VU.

FenellaFellorick · 16/04/2015 14:01

He doesn't think very much of you, does he?

You have to say yes to all these offers of sex. They can want all they like but what's he got to be worried about unless he's actually saying that you cannot be trusted to keep your knickers on.

If he was saying he was worried about your safety, that would be a different thing. But that's not what he's saying. He's not saying that he is afraid you will be attacked, but that he thinks you will choose to have sex with any man who wants you? That you cannot be trusted in an all male environment.

Is that right? Is that what he's saying? If so, then he's not being draconian, he is being really really offensive to you.

No. I don't think you should let him have a say in it. I do think you should think about what he is actually saying to you though.

TheShouldersOfGiants · 16/04/2015 14:02

And congrats on the interview!

VenetiaFleet · 16/04/2015 14:03

I think you should take the job and ditch the DP. YANBUAA.

TheCraicDealer · 16/04/2015 14:03

If he had legitimate concerns (for example, the security risk) then I would listen to him and take his worries on board and think about what he's saying. But it sounds like he's unaware of the set-up and how care is managed. So what if men want to have sex with you? How is that different from being in a 'normal' general men's ward? At least in prison you know who/what you're dealing with and there'll be systems in place to protect staff. It's not a gig I'd be dying for, but if the hours are the same and the money's better go for it.

base9 · 16/04/2015 14:04

If you want this job, I don't see why you shouldn't take it.

He is entitled to be worried about you. Is he capable of a rational discussion where you tell him why this is a good job for you and address his safety concerns? Or is he always a Neandetthal?

BaronessBomburst · 16/04/2015 14:05

He is being very unreasonable.
Does he comment on what you can and can't wear as well?

DixieNormas · 16/04/2015 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Polyethyl · 16/04/2015 14:07

He's not being a dick. Be fair. It's not such an unreasonable concern to have.
He isn't happy about his partner being an object of lust by a bunch of prisoners.
I wouldn't be delighted if my daughter got a job in a prison for a similar reason.
Reassure him.
There will be safety protocols. There'll be checks and measures to ensure your security. Tell him about them.
There must surely also be guidelines about appropriate behaviour between prisoners and nurses.
Look at the situation from your partner's point of view.

Favouritethings · 16/04/2015 14:08

I'm sure he trusts you op, I can understand his concerns. There are likely to be many men in there who have commuted violent acts, sexual or otherwise. My husband would worry too. He wouldn't stop me though and I'm sure your husband would get used to it once he's reassured about the staff protection strategies they have in place.

DeeCayed · 16/04/2015 14:08

If it's been a case of him being worried about you getting attacked by an inmate I'd have said I could understand his concerns and taking his feelings onboard wouldn't have hurt but seeing as it seems it's more about you being in a male dominated environment, from prison guards, inmates to doctors or male nurses and they must want sex with you and you must want to have sex with them then HIBU and he should suck it up!
Good luck, I hope you get the job

cleanmyhouse · 16/04/2015 14:08

Oooooooh, its like a really bad porn plot. Prison gangbang with the oversexed nurse. How horribly stereotyped he has you.

Good luck in the interview.

Favouritethings · 16/04/2015 14:10

I am friends with a dental nurse who visits the prisoners at a prison nearby. She really enjoys going there and always feels very safe and finds the prisoners to be incredibly polite and grateful for the care they receive.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 16/04/2015 14:11

I'm going to play devil's advocate a bit here.

From previous discussions with my DH/men in general, I think they get twitchy like this because they imagine, based on their own experiences of all-male environments, how other men think in such situations. I would guess that your DH is imagining you being stared at hungrily by men with no other women to fixate on, and that thought has freaked him out royally.

I'd guess that his concern is more centred on you being in danger of attack but that he's tried to not state that as he doesn't want to worry you and so it came out differently (i.e. wrong).

He's not BU to be freaked out, but HIBVU in letting you know about it as that's his issue to deal with.

I think you should leave him to fret and go for the interview if that's a good professional option for you.

Favouritethings · 16/04/2015 14:12

I think the ops dh is more concerned about the prisoners attempting to sexually assault her, rather than that he thinks op will consent to sex with them!!!

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 16/04/2015 14:13

Hi op, as a newly qualified RGN, back in the day, I was keen to go into mental health and got a staff nurse job in a secure unit.

My parents and dh were frantically against it as concerned got my safety so I didn't and went on the district instead. If only they knew how much much more risky that was. Dogs, drug dealers and dodgy estates!

I always regret backing down.

Do what you want op. By all means your dp is entitled to be concerned for your safety but it's your decision.

emotionsecho · 16/04/2015 14:13

You have looked properly into the safety concerns surrounding the job, you have satisfied yourself that there is no more, and possibly less, risk to your safety than if you were to take on a similar role with equally difficult albeit different patients.

Your dp should support your decision secure in the knowledge that you have done your research, and as for his comment regarding the prisoners all wanting to have sex with you, words fail me. Does your dp seriously think you would ever be put in a position where this would be a possibility?

My dd worked in a Prison during her degree years and again once she qualified, her safety was never compromised and she worked with some very serious and difficult prisoners.

creampie · 16/04/2015 14:14

I've worked in prison and in dementia clinics. It is far more often the dementia patients who express wishes to have sex with me!

(Not sure if this says more about the patients or me, though )

FyreFly · 16/04/2015 14:17

I don't think you are BU, and I don't think he's being totally U either. He's not BU to have concerns, and with a job like that I think having concerns for someone's safety are valid, but he would be very unreasonable to tell you you can't take it or to stop you. If it would make you happy then go for it :)

LauraChant · 16/04/2015 14:17

My friend used to be a mental health nurse in a prison with a very dodgy rep. She is petite. I have never heard her say that she felt threatened in the slightest. If that helps at all. I believe it was a stressful job but that was down to cuts and bureaucracy, not the prisoners.

DayLillie · 16/04/2015 14:20

I have a friend who did MH training in a prison - he was not alone with patients - giving out medication through a hatch, or in a room with other people.

Now he works in a care home, where he had to wrestle someone to the floor,

Number3cometome · 16/04/2015 14:21

I don't think the OP's hubby is worried about her running off and having sex, I suspect he is more concerned about the risk of her being seriously sexually assaulted in a prison which is probably full of men who haven't had sex for a long time.

Assaults in prisons on staff are high, many are not even reported. Prisons are understaffed and underfunded. I can understand why he is worrying, but his way of putting that across to you has not been articulated very well!!

I think you need to involve him more, get some facts and figures and show him it's not as bad as he thinks - or lets hope it's not.

Skeppers · 16/04/2015 14:26

I've taught in both a prison and in a Further Education College. I have to say, the prisoners (many of whom were lifers in for pretty terrible crimes) were infinitely better behaved than the 16/17 year old oiks at the FE College!

I supposed it's kind of sweet that he's concerned for your safety, but HIBU.

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