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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP went mental because I got offered an interview in a job he doesn't approve of

68 replies

Junzuki · 16/04/2015 13:57

I'm a nurse and a few weeks ago I applied for a job in the prison (again, as a nurse). I have looked into it properly and genuinely believe I have more chance of being attacked by a dementia suffering 80 year old than I do by a heavily guarded prisoner.

DP knew I had applied and didn't seem to have much of an opinion on it either way.

Yesterday I learnt that I have been offered an interview. Now all of a sudden he's realised I might actually get this job (thanks for the initial vote of confidence DP!) and has gone off on one saying he doesn't want me doing it because it involves working with men and only men and (although he worded it differently) they'll all want to have sex with me.

AIBU to think that as this is my career, he shouldn't really get to have a say in it? the hours are the same too. I could literally have got this job and started work and he wouldn't have known the difference! out at the same time, home at the same time, same uniform, same shifts patterns .... !? so should I let him have a say in it or is he being draconian?

OP posts:
DreamingofSummer · 16/04/2015 14:35

OP

Have a read of this article. It confirms that you are safer on the inside than out. Your partners might also be reassurred.

www.womenmakewaves.co.uk/banged/

DreamingofSummer · 16/04/2015 14:35

Partner - singular

Heels99 · 16/04/2015 14:39

My friend worked in a prison and there lots of assaults on staff including nurse. Your husband is not being unreasonable to care about you. My friend was in a management role and would get a weekly report on attacks on staff in the group of prisons she worked at and some of the attacks were vile.
Are you sure you have more chance of being attacked by an 80 year old as a violent prisoner armed with a weapon?
I think you are doing your husband a great dis service here, he loves you and cares about you and doesn't want you to take a job where you are at risk.

TheVermiciousKnid · 16/04/2015 14:42

It doesn't matter how risky the job is - the final decision whether to take it is entirely down to the OP. She is an adult and entitled to make decisions about her career.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 16/04/2015 14:45

Do they let heavily guarded prisoners have weapons now? Hmm

TheCrowFromBelow · 16/04/2015 14:46

I think it says a lot more about how his perception of how men think, than how he thinks you'll behave. To a certain extent I can see why he's uncomfortable with this. I think he is worried rather than possessive.

He should at least talk it over with you adult to adult though, going "mental" is VU, and yes ultimately you decide your career, not him.

ouryve · 16/04/2015 14:48

Worrying about the nature of the job would be quite normal, but he's being a bit of a twat, isn't he?

Is this the first time he's reacted like this to anything you do?

VenetiaFleet · 16/04/2015 14:52

Surely you would never be left alone with a prisoner OP? I would've thought there would always be a guard in the room with you.

BarbarianMum · 16/04/2015 14:52

Your dp 'went mental' did he? Nice turn of phrase. Not. Hmm

londonrach · 16/04/2015 15:01

Worked in nursing homes and the prison and alot safer in the prison as i had prison officers with me all times. The only time i didnt see a prison patient was when i could hear the chair hitting the door. I was kept well away but big prison officers and didnt see the patient. Been attacked in nursing homes as most people who work there have. Mind you i think i prefer the nursing homes as i love dealing with the older patient... Mostly you get amazing stories.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 16/04/2015 15:08

Good luck with your interview

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/04/2015 15:09

My DH didn't particularly like me working in a homeless shelter, he worried about me volunteering in a prison, he gets twitchy when I chat to every person I see from my jobs on the street (some of whom are 'scary' characters). But he respects that I am a professional, a respected professional and I love what I do. I hope I'm good at it. I assess my own risk and live at a level that works for me.

Does your DH have any clue how often nurses get attacked in every setting they work in. A and E is awful!

VipersBosom · 16/04/2015 15:15

But from what the OP says, her husband hasn't expressed anxiety about her safety, he's said he's worried about male prisoners lusting after her. Which are two entirely different things.

DonnaKebab66 · 16/04/2015 15:35

I worked in a male prison as a nurse several years ago. The inmates never sexually assaulted me. In fact a) they liked women and b) they liked nurses so were actually generally very respectful. Not all, obviously, but the vast majority were fine. Sometimes some mild flirting when you're going through the wings but nothing heavy or threatening.

I hated the job, though. It was all locking and unlocking doors and handing out methadone to heroin addicts. I felt quite deskilled working there. Plus most of the officers were all macho types who hated the jobs and the cons. There was very much a them vs us attitude. I was delighted the day I left. But it was 20 years back!

SusanneLinder · 16/04/2015 15:35

My Husband's a Mental Health Nurse. His first shift as a qualified nurse saw him in A and E after he got punched in the face, and scratched down his arm.
He has been groped by elderly mental health patients (women..lol), and kicked and had shit thrown at him. He also got trapped in a room with a severely mentally ill patient, and managed to talk him down till help arrived.It's the day in the life of a nurse.
However if he is concerned for your safety, I could understand his fears,however thats the stuff nurses deal with every day (A and E on a Saturday night anyone). If he is having a strop becuase its a men's prison and guys will ogle you (they will), then he needs to grow the fuck up.
Would he complain if it was a guy working in a woman's prison?
I would have thought that prisons would be the safer option due to the security actually.

wannaBe · 16/04/2015 15:46

even if it's a safe environment, I don't think he's unreasonable to not be thrilled at the prospect of his dw being lusted after by rapests and violent criminals. And even if they don't say anything or aren't in a position to carry out any kind of asalt, doesn't mean they're not capable of having the thoughts.

I would have a discussion with him about his genuine concerns without thinking of him as possessive or controlling.

Jengnr · 16/04/2015 16:45

He is being utterly unreasonable. Utterly.

BullshitS70 · 16/04/2015 16:56

I think hes worried that your image will be stored in sex starved prisoners heads in their wank bank

ilovesooty · 16/04/2015 17:06

For heaven's sake. Most prisoners are neither violent nor rapists.
I work in criminal justice including prisons and have had fewer threats and less inappropriate behaviour than I underwent in secondary school teaching.
He's a controlling wanker.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/04/2015 18:27

I don't think he's unreasonable to not be thrilled at the prospect of his dw being lusted after by rapests and violent criminals. And even if they don't say anything or aren't in a position to carry out any kind of asalt, doesn't mean they're not capable of having the thoughts. Huh? What an odd objection.

Most rapists aren't locked up so the likelihood is that the ones on the street are having those thoughts too. Along with bus drivers, bank managers and waiters. Thoughts really aren't a problem, are they?

morethanpotatoprints · 16/04/2015 18:33

I think he is right, but shouldn't try and stop you from doing the job you want to.
Please don't under estimate the possibility of attack, you will be asked about this in your interview.
Respond by saying you have confidence in the procedures they have in place for your protection and find out what they are, obviously.
My friend had an emergency button to press and a door she could zapp shut between her and a prisoner if she needed to.
I don't think your dh is a dick, I think he is rightly concerned for your safety.

muminhants · 16/04/2015 18:38

Is it a high security prison? Some are very low security and have the likes of Vicky Pryce in them (male equivalent). I don't think they'd attack anyone.

If the prison is full of murderers and rapists then I am sure the security protocols will be very strict and effective - something you can ask about at interview (someone says above they will ask you - I think it goes both ways - you need to consider it, they need to ensure to the best of their ability that you will be safe). If the prison is a lower category I can't see there's anything to worry about. All prisons have a library too, I've never heard of a prison librarian being attacked, even in the high security ones.

FryOneFatManic · 16/04/2015 18:45

One acquaintance of mine worked as a nurse in a prison for a while and had no problems ever.

Another acquaintance is a teacher in a prison and has no problems.

Dieu · 16/04/2015 18:48

My dad is in the prison service (has worked at Peterhead and other max security prisons). I will ask him his thoughts and get back to you. I suspect he would tell you not to worry, and that the prisoners will be more respectful toward you than your partner might think!

LadyFlumpalot · 16/04/2015 18:51

I worked in a male prison from the age of 19 to 22 in a prisoner facing position (admin to the drug support team).

Never once did I feel threatened by prisoners. I found them to be polite and respectful. I used to get called "Little Miss"!Grin

On the rare occasion that a prisoner would start to get a bit lairy then the other prisoners would be the ones backing me up and telling the lairy guy to wind his neck in.

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