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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what you think the right balance of children/gender is in a family? Can brothers/sisters be close as adults?

72 replies

GlitteringJasper · 16/04/2015 10:14

I'm wondering about this!

I've 2 dc, one of each, which lots of people seem to think is a good thing.

However I'm wondering from the children's point of view what the best balance in a family is? I know for me, I came froma b/g household but I always wanted a sister!

I just feel I have this ideal view of having a sister to share things with and would feel the same if I'd been a boy about wanting a brother!

Am worried my dc will wish for sibling of their own sex!

Not sure if this stems from the fact that I didn't really get on with my brother and even now we don't have that much in common.

Thing is I can't go on having more children as, much as I like the idea of them, we can't afford them!

I guess from my point of view the ideal family is 4 with 2 boys and 2 girls.

I do worry that my children will miss out. I don't know brothers and sisters that have a very close relationship as adults.

AIBU

OP posts:

DisappointedOne · 16/04/2015 10:17

I have a sister (3 years younger than me). We don't get on. Never have. Always wished I'd been an only child.

Husband is one of 4 boys. They don't all get on.

There are no guarantees. Our daughter is 99% likely to remain an only.

Theycallmemellowjello · 16/04/2015 10:18

I do think that in very broad terms sisters tend to be closer than brothers (obviously with exceptions among both genders). But a sibling relationship doesn't have to be very close to be valuable. My dp only speaks to his brother a few times a year but I think that they would both be there for each other when push comes to shove. Mind you, my sister is my best friend and I'm so grateful for that relationship.

Sparklingbrook · 16/04/2015 10:18

There are too many variables I think. One or more of the DC may emigrate to Australia for instance.

I don't think there is a 'best' as every family is so different.

I am really close to DB but he lives 3 hours away so we don't get to actually see each other that often.

Marmaladedandelions · 16/04/2015 10:21

Well, I agree - I think brothers and sisters can be close but that those of the same sex are more likely to be closer - more likely not definitely :)

I know sisters who go away on holiday together and brothers who go to sports matches and the like. I don't think I know any brother/sisters who do those sorts of things.

I was close to my brother but in an odd way! He didn't marry, have a girlfriend or children though (he died in 2012.)

I have a son and two daughters - one isn't born yet - I'm pleased that as DC2 is a girl DC3 will also be a girl as there's only just over a year between them. In some way DS is an only child as there's a big gap between him and his sisters.

I think women without sisters maintain close friendships though that are an 'equivalent' - but you have to look for these whilst a sister is obviously 'on tap' :)

Chrysanthemum5 · 16/04/2015 10:21

I'm one of 5 girls - are we closer than 5 boys would be? Hard to say really but I think it's more down to the age gaps so I'm closed to the sister below me (I'm number 4) and the eldest - because she looked after us a lot.

I have a boy and a girl and while they are close they don't share friends in the way same sex siblings seem to.

I think the ideal family set up is generally the one you have.

SingingHinnies · 16/04/2015 10:23

I was the only girl with 3 DB's, i always wanted 2 girls and i had 3, problem is they all don't get along which is alien to me as all of us get along great. I hope its just like this now but they are fine as adult's. I know quite a few sister siblings who appear to hate each other, steal boyfriends and fight constantly, seems like constant one up manship

Out of the 3DB's i am closer to one than the other 2 who 11yr younger than me

NaiceNickname · 16/04/2015 10:24

Well, I am the youngest of 7 children - 5 girls and 2 boys. The sisters now older all get on brilliantly, we are like best friends despite the age gap being quite large between the eldest and me. The brothers get on well together, although they can clash at times - too similar. We all get on just fine, and whilst the sisters aren't as close to the brothers we would all do anything for each other. But I get what you're saying abiut things in common - not a lot at all with the brothers.

I also have a boy and a girl with no chance of more. I hope they are close when older but I do realise that their common ground will probably be limited to being brother and sister, especially as there is a 5 year age gap.

I don't think there is an ideal number of each sex though to be honest, being the same sex does not guarantee that they will get on with or like each other unfortunately.

Chrysanthemum5 · 16/04/2015 10:24

Not closed 'closest'!

JemimaPuddlePop · 16/04/2015 10:26

It doesn't really matter what anyone thinks is the 'right' mix - we all get what we're given and that's it.

Redcastle · 16/04/2015 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babygiraffe86 · 16/04/2015 10:30

I am only girl with 2 younger brothers - we get on fantastically. don't see each other much but are very close.

dp is 1 of 4 boys, again they all get on well too, very different personalities which shows now they're all adults. and i've heard many a fight story from them being younger.

FeijoaSundae · 16/04/2015 10:34

There is no recipe, it's purely personality.

I only have a brother and we were friends growing up. We're on opposite sides of the world now, but we're still close, still get on, and I love him to bits.

I have one of each, and I see the same relationship forming between my two. Same close age gap.

My best friend is like a sister, we've know each other since we were 5 (so 36 years), and are in contact every day. She has two actual sisters that she loves, but isn't particularly close to. She's closer to her (adopted) brother.

There's no rhyme or reason. :)

Tommy · 16/04/2015 10:36

I am one of 6 siblings, 3 of each. I get on best with one and sister and my younger brother but that's probably due to location as much as anything else. As Jemima says - it doesn't make any difference because you just get on with what you've got! I've got 3 boys

FeijoaSundae · 16/04/2015 10:36

DH is one of three brothers. They're a few years older than him and again, he loves them, but isn't particularly close at all.

EmzDisco · 16/04/2015 10:37

I'm from a b/g family. My and my bro are now both late 20s and get on fantastically. I don't remember wishing for a sister or him ever wanting a brother, we used to play together lots as kids, outside or with Lego etc, drifted apart a bit as teens but I'm sure that's usual. Have been good friends since early 20s I'd say. I dont think we'd be closer if he was a girl, maybe we'd have been less so - more chance for jealousy on looks or what the other had/wearing/boyfriends etc perhaps?

DramaAlpaca · 16/04/2015 10:39

It depends on the individual personalities.

I have one younger brother and we aren't close, never have been. We love each other, but we are very different people.

My own three sons, young adults and close in age, are very close & great friends. I hope it'll stay that way as they go on in life.

sparechange · 16/04/2015 10:39

I've got 3 brothers and we all get on. We all see each other in various combinations, as well as all getting together for birthdays and occasions. We are much closer to each other than we are to our parents, and go out as 'mates' regularly...

madreloco · 16/04/2015 10:43

I dont see how it matters what anyone thinks is besy, you get what you get. Cant be best to be thinking there is some ideal that you should have but dont.

crymeariverwoo · 16/04/2015 10:51

I am female. I have 2 brothers. Growing up we were very close. I always did long for a sister (but there are reasons for this relating to family deaths which I am purposely being broad about). As we got older I was a bit jealous of my brothers relationship, I used to think it was because they were boys hut now I realise that it was simply that they are very very close in age and I am 5/6 years younger than them. Now that I have finished university etc... and am in the real world we are incredibly close (we always have been close, but now have more in common). I regularly stay with my brothers (we live all over the place) and love spending time with them. I have friends with sisters who have nothing in common! I wouldn't trade my brothers for the world. Plus one is in a long term relationship and I am very close with her so feel she almost fills the sister gap.

BarbarianMum · 16/04/2015 10:53

I think the personalities of the people involved matters more than their gender. And you can do nothing about either.

WellYesOfCourseYouAre · 16/04/2015 10:57

Every family is different.

I have a boy and a girl and MIL said 'Oh great you'll have a complete family'. Me and DH were like WTF She's mad. My friend with 4 boys and another with 2 girls are not?!

For me, I have a brother and he's awesome, I can't stand my sister and haven't spoken to her in years, so same sex isn't a guarantee they will get on.

MangoJuggler · 16/04/2015 11:02

I have little contact with one sister. My brother is much younger and I have little in common. My other sister is wonderful. Would walk over hot coals for her.

ssd · 16/04/2015 11:02

my one wish in life is that my ds's get on as adults and are close

AndWhenYouGetThere · 16/04/2015 11:05

I have close female friends and a distant sister. My DP (male) has a sister who he's very close to. Luck of the draw - people's personalities have more of an effect than their gender, I think.

LittleMissRayofHope · 16/04/2015 11:05

I am child 3 of 4. I have 2 older brothers and a younger sisters. So we are the family of 4 kids with 2 of each.
I see your logic, it is the 'ideal' as everyone gets to experience every possibility.

I hated having a younger sister. She drove me nuts.
Plus as child 3 I only got my own room when I moved out at 16 as we had a 4 bed house so boys got their own space but I never did. My sister (3 yrs younger then me) obviously didn't have space til I moved out.
We are now best mates though. Tell each other everything. Have been through some serious shit together and pick each other up every time. I'm her emergency contact and I can call her at 4am if I need to.

I have 2 DC, dd and then DS. I'd also love to go on having more but can't afford it, and single now complicated things and feel I might be done realistically.

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