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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what you think the right balance of children/gender is in a family? Can brothers/sisters be close as adults?

72 replies

GlitteringJasper · 16/04/2015 10:14

I'm wondering about this!

I've 2 dc, one of each, which lots of people seem to think is a good thing.

However I'm wondering from the children's point of view what the best balance in a family is? I know for me, I came froma b/g household but I always wanted a sister!

I just feel I have this ideal view of having a sister to share things with and would feel the same if I'd been a boy about wanting a brother!

Am worried my dc will wish for sibling of their own sex!

Not sure if this stems from the fact that I didn't really get on with my brother and even now we don't have that much in common.

Thing is I can't go on having more children as, much as I like the idea of them, we can't afford them!

I guess from my point of view the ideal family is 4 with 2 boys and 2 girls.

I do worry that my children will miss out. I don't know brothers and sisters that have a very close relationship as adults.

AIBU

OP posts:

DilysMoon · 16/04/2015 11:07

I have a brother as does dh, we all get on well and see each other a fair bit and now I have 2 lovely Sils so have the best of both

scarletforya · 16/04/2015 11:08

I only have one girl. Ideally I would have loved two girls.

fattymcfatfat · 16/04/2015 11:08

I am the only girl with three brothers. the oldest doesn't speak to any of the family (whole argument involving his partner)
me and my younger brothers are close. I am especially close to the youngest as I am ten years older so have always treated him as an extra child iyswim
never wanted a sister though, I like the only daughter thing means I get spoilt and I wouldnt want to share

RL20 · 16/04/2015 11:17

Your children won't miss out, don't worry.
I grew up with a brother who is 2 and a half years younger than me. We got on really well and were like best friends in terms of we could have a laugh together etc, but I also looked out for him with him being younger. I think that we had a great, fun childhood.
We also have a half sister who is 10 years older than me, who is our dad's daughter. She babysat us on occasion when we were younger, but I can't remember much about her. Her and my dad, both being very stubborn, fell out a few years later and haven't been in touch with each other since, despite her mum and my dad's sister being very good friends. I'm 22 now, over the past probably 5/6 years I've been writing letters and posting them through her mums door, posted a birthday card, tried to pass messages through my aunty, but have never heard anything back. Through Facebook (my aunty) she would probably know that I'm expecting a baby boy (she went on to have 3 children of her own), but I still have heard nothing, so I have given up on her now.
In my Baby Record Book I haven't bother adding her to my baby's 'aunts and uncles' part either.
Just because we are both girls, doesn't mean that she is 'the sister I always wanted'.

Jackieharris · 16/04/2015 11:17

I have 1 of each.

It was always important to me to have at least one of each.

I'm now expecting dc3.

I can see where you are coming from in that now I think I'd like 2 of each. So every child has 1 brother & 1 sister.

I've read that having a sister is good for your mental health.

DP has a bother and sister and gets on better with his DSIS.

kathryng90 · 16/04/2015 11:27

I grew up with 2 brothers. Longed for a sister. Was delighted to have 2 girls of my own only 15 months apart. They disliked each other on sight and the feeling is ongoing. They visit at separate times and have no contact if they can help it.

Andrewofgg · 16/04/2015 11:29

My sister is seven years my senior. We quarrelled as children but have been close as adults. Both in our sixties so the age gap is not now great. We have been there for each other in good times and bad.

Hillfog · 16/04/2015 11:41

I'm closer to my SIL than my brother. He's rubbish at chit chatting on the phone. By contrast my DH can chat to DB for hours about wires and electric stuff. Feel lucky we all get on!

mrssnodge · 16/04/2015 11:42

3Dc is the ideal- one to wash, one to dry & one to put away!!

rebelfor · 16/04/2015 11:45

mrssnodge

I am close to my siblings now we're adults, but we fought constantly as children. I have one of each and it sometimes makes me a little sad that my daughter won't have a sister.

SoonToBeMrsB · 16/04/2015 11:58

I have one brother who is six years younger than me and he's my best friend in the whole world. We fought like cat and dog when growing up but now we're 24 and 18 and I want nothing but the best for him.

Pengweng · 16/04/2015 12:05

My sister (2 years older) was a complete nightmare when we were kids. She got in so much trouble and was always mean and not letting me do things with her, we used to have proper punching matches. As soon as she/we moved out we started to get on better and are now really close. We just had such different personalities that in such close quarters and at such a young age we couldn't appreciate each other. She now loves my ability to organise things and i love her couldn't give a fuck attitude. She lives in a different country and with 5 kids between us we don't see each other very often and that makes me really sad but we speak at length at least once a week.

I don't think you can have a perfect family situation. I have 2 step brother, one of which i was quite close to as a child and now we rarely speak. I would hate to think that my daughters wouldn't grow up and be close but i really have no control over that at all. Which again makes me sad. God feeling emotional this morning.

browneyedgirl86 · 16/04/2015 17:01

I don't think there's an ideal combination to be honest.

I'm the youngest in my family, have one sister and we don't really get on if I'm honest. We have never been close. She maintains that I'm the "favorite" and got special treatment when i was going through a serious illness and when she moved out when I was 16 the gap has widened further. I don't dislike her. I just don't understand her and we have nothing in common.

DP on the other hand has one brother and they are very close.

EatShitDerek · 16/04/2015 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

01ay · 16/04/2015 17:11

DB and I shared a house for several years as adults in our twenties (along with other people). We're still really really close even if we are sometimes baffled by each others' choices. I have at least two close male friends from my college days whose sisters I've got to know pretty well just because they hang out with their brothers all the time (in a great, entirely non-creepy way).

WowOoo · 16/04/2015 17:18

My brother and I have always been close, even though we've had the hugest arguments in the past. We've always made up and can be rude to each other in the nicest way possible IFSWIM!! He tells it like it is, but in a way no one else could.
I don't know how it would be if he was my little brother, rather than my older. It helps that he and Dh get on really well. I really don't know what I'd do without him sometimes.

WowOoo · 16/04/2015 17:19

Oh and I'm sorry you and your brother never got on. As others have said - it's down to personality and my siblings all gel well as adults.

Strokethefurrywall · 16/04/2015 17:55

Totally about personalities and nurture (to an extent) I think.

I have an older sister and had a younger brother (passed away 2012) - I also live 4000 miles away. We are/were all incredibly close. I didn't "like" my younger brother much until he was in his teens but always loved him (I was the only one who could pound on him, woe betide anyone else who hurt him though!)

We were brought up as individuals but in a close knit family. My mum is the oldest of 6 and she and her siblings are all close, though my mum is not that close to her one sister, who is 7 years younger but closer than most I think. But as a family, we are all there for each other.

DH is one of two boys, 16 months apart. They aren't particularly close, they love each other but are very different people. They aren't from a very "close" family, but then FIL is also one of two boys and he and his brother are extremely close even in their retirement age! Still getting into trouble together too!

I have two boys, 2.5 years apart. I hope and pray that they are close, that they can depend and rely on each other for everything, including the picking each other up when the other is too drunk, and sticking up for each other when one gets in trouble. But it's a total personality thing and I was very lucky with my siblings.

I sometimes wonder if being one of three is what made us as close as we were - when you were pissed off with one, there was always the other to go to. In our case, it probably fostered the requirement of having to get on otherwise you had nobody to play with!

Totality22 · 16/04/2015 18:08

One of four, get on with all siblings but don't socialise with my brothers much (other than family gatherings we have a lot of them), I see my sister more despite being considerably older than her.

OH has five brothers, is proper 'friends' with two (as in sees them socially a lot), not as close but still has alot of time for another two however he is all but estranged from the last brother.... the two he is closest too are those closest in age.

XiCi · 16/04/2015 18:14

Where did you get this idea that brothers and sisters can't be close? Do you have no close friends of the opposite sex?

I'm really close to my brother, and all my friends with brothers are close to theirs too. As others have said this has more to do with personality than gender

alwaysstaytoolong · 16/04/2015 18:18

I'm really close to mu brother and we're both in our 30s. He makes me laugh constantly when we're together and we have a shared history and like the same TV programmes, films etc so have a kind of shared language where one of us only has to quote something and the other knows what it is and can run with it.

He was seriously hard work at times in his teens and twenties and caused loads of stress for all the family but I love spending time with him and we look out for one another.

I couldn't wish for a better brother now to be honest.

BabyGanoush · 16/04/2015 18:19

I am very close with my brother, we are almost like twins (look the same, think the same, but 4 years between us).

I have never wished for a sister.

KeepsTrying · 16/04/2015 18:21

DH has one sister - 4 years older. They don't really get on. Big reason why he wanted our DS to stay an only child!

I have a lot of older siblings but only socialise with one older brother (12 years older) - we get on really well.

Think it is down to personality really and don't think there is any ideal.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 16/04/2015 18:27

I don't think there is any such thing as a perfect sibling set up and even if there was I think there would be very strong ethical objections to planning it!

Anyway DH and his sister are very close - not buddy buddy shared hobby close but they consult each other on all major life decisions and speak very regularly, seeing each other at least twice a month despite living two hours away.

Mmbop · 16/04/2015 18:34

I'm close to my sister but closer to my brother - he's one of my best friends. Nothing to do with age or gender, more to do with similar experiences, he thinks the same way as me, we have the same sense of humour. Still very close to my sister but there's nothing to say gender/age comes first.

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