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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what you think the right balance of children/gender is in a family? Can brothers/sisters be close as adults?

72 replies

GlitteringJasper · 16/04/2015 10:14

I'm wondering about this!

I've 2 dc, one of each, which lots of people seem to think is a good thing.

However I'm wondering from the children's point of view what the best balance in a family is? I know for me, I came froma b/g household but I always wanted a sister!

I just feel I have this ideal view of having a sister to share things with and would feel the same if I'd been a boy about wanting a brother!

Am worried my dc will wish for sibling of their own sex!

Not sure if this stems from the fact that I didn't really get on with my brother and even now we don't have that much in common.

Thing is I can't go on having more children as, much as I like the idea of them, we can't afford them!

I guess from my point of view the ideal family is 4 with 2 boys and 2 girls.

I do worry that my children will miss out. I don't know brothers and sisters that have a very close relationship as adults.

AIBU

OP posts:

CPtart · 16/04/2015 19:20

I have a brother and we were constantly at loggerheads growing up, our relationship has never recovered and we rarely see each other now.
I have two DS and almost 12 years down the line having two of the same gender has worked brilliantly. They are really close and I hope they stay so.

MaelstromOfLunacy · 16/04/2015 19:29

I am the oldest of four - three younger brothers (I am female). We are, and always have been, very close. We couldn't be more different, and we have some fairly heated debates (arguments!) at times, but we're a team and we know that we always have each other's love and support. I can't imagine being any closer if they were my sisters instead of my brothers.

TheMustard · 16/04/2015 19:34

I have a brother, three years younger than me, so b/g household growing up. We always got on quite well, and he's definitely one of my best friends now we're both in our twenties. We go for regular coffee every Saturday morning, and since we're both teachers and our partners aren't, we spend some days in the holidays going on hikes and surfing together. I think opposite genders can get along very well as siblings, but we have a lot in common.

AmberLav · 16/04/2015 19:38

I'm very close to my two sisters, and DH is very close to his sister...

StarlingMurmuration · 16/04/2015 19:48

My brother and I got on well as kids, less well as teenagers, quite well in our twenties, then really well in our thirties. We spoke on the phone nearly very day, and did stuff together like shopping or cinema or going to the pub. He was one of my best friends (he died two years ago).

[Tangentially related: I have a five month old DS now - I really wanted a girl, and when I found out I was having a boy, I thought I'd have to have another child in the hope that the second was a girl. I never wanted a boy - I always saw myself with a little girl. But now I adore him so much, I couldn't care less whether the next one is a boy or a girl.]

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 16/04/2015 19:52

starling

Jackieharris · 16/04/2015 20:15

Can the people who have a sibling they don't get on with tell me if their parents encouraged them to get on as DCs?

I feel that it's important to me that my DCs get on as adults. I try to facilitate this by giving them their own space (own rooms), doing things with each DC seperatly, encourage them to see each other as lifelong companions.

What else can I do as a parent? Or is it just the luck of personalities?

TheGirlFromIpanema · 16/04/2015 20:26

I think it's just luck jackie.

That being said, I have one each dbro and dsis. All close in age but dbro and I are much more alike as adults than dsis and I. Parents always encouraged us to be nice to each other, especially when dsis and I shared rooms as teenagers and fought like mad.

We all get on well but dbro and I have mutual friends, have lived together over the years at different times and generally are good friends aswell as siblings. I suppose we are friends with dsis too but more like family than friends iyswim.

shewept · 16/04/2015 20:34

I have an older dbro. We are close.

I have one of each. A girl (11) and a boy (4). They are very close. DD is a fantastic bug sister and ds always tells everyone they are best friends. He even crawls in her bed to sleep sometimes. They may not always be close but its working so far.

Iwasbornin1993 · 16/04/2015 20:38

I have both a DSis and DB and although I am that bit closer to my DSis, I'm still really close to my DB too!

ComposHatComesBack · 16/04/2015 20:47

My sibling relationship was actively hostile and relentlessly competitive (caused in part by mother thinking that it would spur us both to greater academic achievement) that spilt over into every aspect of our lives.

As it stands we are warily polite with each other but have little in common in. We have different interests different groups of friends and live at opposite ends of the country. We see each other at our parents house every 18 months or so.

As others have said, you can't really legislate for how siblings feel about one another. I know siblings who are inseparable and others who are at each others throats, but most have relationships with siblings somewhere in between.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 16/04/2015 20:49

I have one of each, both adults know. Get on well enough but not hugely close.

I am close to my sister, not my brother (nothing in common with him)

My DH and his DB are not close

cleanmyhouse · 16/04/2015 21:10

my big brother is my best pal. We speak 2 or 3 times a week on the phone, i spent christmas with him last year when my kids were with their dad. We were very close as kids, drifted in our teens and became close again in our 20's.

VacantExpression · 16/04/2015 21:17

I think its luck Jackie. But I would recommend not having a favourite. Or if you do, keeping that nugget to yourself and not making it obvious unlike in my family

Stinkersmum · 16/04/2015 21:37

I'm middle of 3. Sister is 7 years older than me, brother is 16 months younger than me. We all get on great but I am closer to my brother. I don't think the gender of your sibling dictates the friendship.

thegreylady · 16/04/2015 21:56

I have a ds aged 44 and a dd aged 40.Since they were in their mid/late teens they have been close friends. They stay in touch although ds is abroad and there is a supportive, loving relationship which I (an only child) really envy. I know sisters (my cousin's dds) who really dislike one another.

Failedspinster · 16/04/2015 21:57

I'm the youngest of three; my brothers are six years older than me and seven years older than me. I'm close to both of them but one of them especially, as we have a lot in common. The age gap made it harder when we were younger than the difference in gender, tbh. Meanwhile my friend has a sister who's two years younger than her and they fight like cat and dog - so like previous posters, I don't think you can set a hard and fast rule.

In our family, we have DSS (nearly ten), DS1 (3) and DS2 (7 months). They all love each other and actively enjoy being together, which is lovely. I love seeing their relationship evolving. dS1's friend is a girl with a little brother, and they are also very close though - hopefully yours will be too, OP.

RabidFairy · 16/04/2015 22:06

I am the oldest of two girls, 2 years apart. We get on well, but she is hard work and we are very different in many ways.
DH is the oldest of five (b, g, b, g, b) and the age gaps create more problems than the gender differences. He has had to play father for all of them at various times over the years, but he's close with his sister and getting closer with his brother. It helps that they are browning into adults.

I have a girl and a boy who are 5 and 3. They love each other and get on great. Am due DD2 in the summer, when DD1 will be 6. I hope that all three get on, but the 6 year age gap in particular makes me think the dynamic between DD1 and her brother and DD1 and her sister will inevitably be different.

OneEyedWilly · 16/04/2015 22:12

I'm one of 6, 2 boys and 4 girls. We're aged between 24 and 34. We were a very happy crowd of children but had a LOT of ups and downs as teens and young adults. Now all very close. No one understands our dynamic or what we mean to each other. I love my siblings to bits.

NellyTheElephant · 16/04/2015 22:24

I always wanted boy and girl, boy a little older than girl just like me and my brother (15 months apart) for the simple reason that he and I are, were and always will be really close (despite incandescent fighting as children). Now in our 40s we live 4 hours away from each other, but have similar aged kids and get together as often as possible, which might only be 4 or 5 times a year, but regularly (as in most years) go on holiday all together (with piles of cousins).

Who knows what the best balance is, there is no right answer. I have 2 girls and a boy. DD1 and DD2 v close, and DD2 and Ds v close, but DD1 and DS less so although like a pp mentioned DD1 wouldn't let anyone else beat up DS - only her!). I've no idea how they will turn out, but hey - they'll always have those cousins!

drinkscabinet · 16/04/2015 22:38

I'm one of four, GBBG so your perfect set. DSis and I get on well but got on better when we were at the same stage of life (I have kids, she's single but would love to have kids), she's much closer to our Mum than I am (they live closer to each other and have similar hobbies). DBro1 is the one I'm closest to, we went to the same Uni and have the most similar values. DBro2 is lovely but I probably have more to talk about with his wife (who is fab).

I think birth order plays a big part (e.g. Mum was much stricter with DBro1 and I than the younger two which has had an effect) and personality obviously.

ouryve · 16/04/2015 22:41

I don't think there is such a thing as a "right balance".

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