Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

friend needs to accept some mothers are bad (triggers)

72 replies

friendworries · 15/04/2015 22:09

Namechanged so it's not connected to my usual name.

So background first.
I have known my friend for seven years. Her family life was pretty normal as far as I can tell mum dad and a sibling. She is very close to her mum and they go shopping twice a month and her mum babysits her kids and picks them up from school anytime they ask.

My father was abusive and my mother enabled him and let him abuse me and pretended it wasn't happening. Though he did abuse her as well. We left when I was 8 years old when I packed a case for me and my brother and insisted that we all leave together.

She refused to get a job once we left and she wouldn't let me mention anything about our previous lives especially not between me and my brother.
She started drinking so I took care of my brother.
Then my brother died and my mother got worse and she blamed me for everything. I moved in with a family friend and then I moved away to university met my husband and lived in our university town 5 hours away and I lost contact with her.

Just before I got married I contacted my mother again and tried to build some bridges. She told me she missed me and loved me etc and she called me every day of the week and travelled up to see me and meet DH and we ended up inviting her to the wedding.

She turned up on the day and objected to my marriage saying that she didn't like my DH and hated us together and had to be removed from the church then she turned up at the after party, drunk and went a bit crazy saying that I didn't deserve happiness and she had done her best to raise me.

Needless to say I haven't seen her since and she has never met her grandchildren. She has been out of my life for nearly 6 years.

So to the point we were out with another mutual friend.
Mutual friend said that her mother didn't want to babysit her DCs but it was okay because her mother was very strict.
Friend was horrified and said that mutual friend must have really upset her mother and the reason her mother didn't babysit was probably down to mutual friends attitude and negativity towards her mother.
Mutual friend took offense at this but friend said that it must be awful for a grandmother and stated that ALL grandmothers would want to spend time with their grandchildren and said that I should give my mother a chance to prove herself too.

I said never (my DCs are adopted so even more vulnerable) and she didn't deserve a chance.
Friend was horrified and got a bit upset saying her mum loves her kids and she lives for them.
We said that was great for her and my PILs are brilliant with my DCs but they were good people and my mother wasn't a good mother. She was very upset and asked how I would feel if my daughter hated me. I said I would be gutted but I am trying my best to be a good mother.

Friend ended up crying and went to call her mother to say that she loved her. When she came back we told her that she had to accept that some people were not good mothers.
She maintained that anyone who was a mother was good and it was other people (like ungrateful daughters) who kept mother's away from their children and grand children who were at fault.

So AIBU to think that some people aren't good mothers or am I just jaded by my own mother.

OP posts:

siiiiiiiiigh · 15/04/2015 22:13

Your friend sounds a little bit unusual.

You sound amazing.

Really amazing.

Jengnr · 15/04/2015 22:15

Your friend sounds utterly batshit.

Seriouslyffs · 15/04/2015 22:15

That's horrible.
Your friend sounds really dim and lacking in empathy. Was she drunk?

ConferencePear · 15/04/2015 22:15

I once heard an American say, "Grandchildren are the prize you get for being nice to your children." You might like to try that on your friend.

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 15/04/2015 22:16

I think you should ditch this friend as she sounds incredibly stupid, self centered and childish.

So sorry about your past op. You sound like you have done so well despite everything.

Surround yourself with radiator people who are warm and loving to you.

Ditch the drain people who suck the life out of you and are cold.

Original poster

friendworries · 15/04/2015 22:17

My friend wasn't drunk she just seems to love her mother a lot and not really understand anything else.

OP posts:

ashtrayheart · 15/04/2015 22:19

Well that's not rational thinking is it, how does she explain baby p's mother to pick a well known bad mother and others like her?
She sounds like she has her own issues tbh.

ashtrayheart · 15/04/2015 22:20

Is her mother ill or something do you think?

PtolemysNeedle · 15/04/2015 22:20

Your friend probably has issues of her own. Her reaction was far from normal.

DoJo · 15/04/2015 22:21

Your friend is so wrapped up in her own situation and blinkered to the extent where she is victim blaming in a hugely offensive manner. If she really can't see that protecting your children from someone who has nothing but negativity to offer them is more important than 'proving' yourself a good daughter, then I pity her inability to think beyond the end of her own nose.

AJNH · 15/04/2015 22:22

Another vote for your friend being batshit!!!

Hats off to you though,

StrumpersPlunkett · 15/04/2015 22:23

YANBU at all, however, I would just say that some have been fortunate and lived in situations of calm mostly happy families and if that is all they have ever known they would find it hard to comprehend a mother not doing everything in her power to love and support her children in every way possible.
I had variable relationship with my family and have come to the conclusion that my mum did indeed try her best whilst acknowledging that as a child it did not feel good enough. She does see her grandchildren with extreme caution and it turns out she is a much better grandmother than she ever was a mother.
The only one that can make the call is you, ignore your friends opinion, you know the relationship you have. But do give her a break you have shown her a side to human relationships she has been previously shielded from.

base9 · 15/04/2015 22:23

Does your friend have any known SEN or mental health problems? Because that is the behaviour of someone witb no empathy whatsoever, someone who cannot understand life experiences that differ from her own. It's a little scary.

MrsBertMacklin · 15/04/2015 22:24

Oh, I had two 'friends' like this (although nowhere near as extreme as yours) who just kept saying 'but he's your dad' when I went NC, repeatedly kept asking me if I'd spoken to my dad recently etc.

I cut them both out after clearly asking them at least 5 times to Just. Stop. Felt about 23 stone lighter.

Nolim · 15/04/2015 22:24

Your friend lacks empathy, among other things.

DoJo · 15/04/2015 22:26

But do give her a break you have shown her a side to human relationships she has been previously shielded from.

She may not have met anyone with a 'bad mother' before, but to insist that all mothers are good despite overwhelming and public evidence to the contrary shows a real lack of awareness.

Gatehouse77 · 15/04/2015 22:27

YANBU - not all mothers are good.

To the outside world my mother was 'good' but the reality was not so. She was not abusive or anything awful but, seemingly, indifferent. Her work was a higher priority than her children. On one level I did not recognise the person being talked about at her funeral. Yes, she was wonderful to the outside world and had lots of time and patience for them. We took second place.

Same goes for our father. She set him up as the disciplinarian but he accepted, and acted out, the role.

I suspect your friend has a rose-tinted view of mothers. Hopefully, because she had a wonderful childhood.

PerspicaciaTick · 15/04/2015 22:27

The fact that she needed to call her mum to reassure herself about the strength of their relationship after your argument is odd. Very odd. I can't help wondering if her idea of a "good" relationship isn't actually a bit warped if there is no resilience, that just hearing about other people's experience seems to threaten her own relationship.

base9 · 15/04/2015 22:27

strumpers you are generous but NT people do not usually make it to Adulthood without realising that other people have radically different lives from their own. How has she been shielded from that without hiding under her bed for decades?

HermioneWeasley · 15/04/2015 22:29

Your friend is a twat who is making this about her. Life is too short to spend it with such people

Preciousbane · 15/04/2015 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WizardofSnoz · 15/04/2015 22:34

YES!! I have had a very similar thing. My situation was not as bad as yours but it was pretty bad and has affected me long into adulthood.

I have a friend who insists that my mother loves me and that all mother's love their children and it must be a misunderstanding because it is extremely rare to have mothers that don't care about their children and it is limited to the most extreme cases like Rose West.

She really cannot understand that some mother's simply don't love their children and sometimes will actively try and be cruel. I get on okay with her now but that's because she very much loves my son, and she tolerates me for his sake. I've told her that and she won't accept it. She just doesn't understand it, she can't compute it.

To be fair to her I have told her (via a written message) that I will never agree with her and don't want to discuss it and she hasn't pushed the issue and we are still friends.

If I were you I would write your friend a letter or even a facebook message and tell her that you were hurt that she minimized and denied what happened in your childhood and also that she blamed you. Tell her how hurtful it was and that it is simply ignorance on her part to say that. You should tell her if she brings this up again your friendship is over.

She behaved very, very badly.

Nayville · 15/04/2015 22:34

I also wonder if your friend has issues Op. She has a very narrow minded opinion. And not much empathy

for you

ButEmilylovedhim · 15/04/2015 22:35

Do you have to see her again? I would not see her again myself, certainly not to talk to. She sound like the type who would keep on about it. You don't need or deserve the hassle. You shouldn't have to share your story in order to justify your (very wise, completely right) actions. Some people are just unfathomable. for you.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 15/04/2015 22:39

Rosemary West is a mother.

To be honest I'm getting slight alarm bells about your friend and her mother. I have a very nice mum. I am very secure in her love for me and my love for her. Hearing about other - less nice - mums doesn't upset me except feeling sympathy at what they have missed out on. It doesn't threaten me at all - why would it?

On one level I did not recognise the person being talked about at her funeral. Yes, she was wonderful to the outside world and had lots of time and patience for them. We took second place.
My grandfather's funeral was fascinating. Back 30 rows of pews of people sobbing their hearts out. Front 3 rows full of family members looking a bit bored and wondering when we can leave. Crap father and grandfather. Excellent vicar.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread