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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

friend needs to accept some mothers are bad (triggers)

72 replies

friendworries · 15/04/2015 22:09

Namechanged so it's not connected to my usual name.

So background first.
I have known my friend for seven years. Her family life was pretty normal as far as I can tell mum dad and a sibling. She is very close to her mum and they go shopping twice a month and her mum babysits her kids and picks them up from school anytime they ask.

My father was abusive and my mother enabled him and let him abuse me and pretended it wasn't happening. Though he did abuse her as well. We left when I was 8 years old when I packed a case for me and my brother and insisted that we all leave together.

She refused to get a job once we left and she wouldn't let me mention anything about our previous lives especially not between me and my brother.
She started drinking so I took care of my brother.
Then my brother died and my mother got worse and she blamed me for everything. I moved in with a family friend and then I moved away to university met my husband and lived in our university town 5 hours away and I lost contact with her.

Just before I got married I contacted my mother again and tried to build some bridges. She told me she missed me and loved me etc and she called me every day of the week and travelled up to see me and meet DH and we ended up inviting her to the wedding.

She turned up on the day and objected to my marriage saying that she didn't like my DH and hated us together and had to be removed from the church then she turned up at the after party, drunk and went a bit crazy saying that I didn't deserve happiness and she had done her best to raise me.

Needless to say I haven't seen her since and she has never met her grandchildren. She has been out of my life for nearly 6 years.

So to the point we were out with another mutual friend.
Mutual friend said that her mother didn't want to babysit her DCs but it was okay because her mother was very strict.
Friend was horrified and said that mutual friend must have really upset her mother and the reason her mother didn't babysit was probably down to mutual friends attitude and negativity towards her mother.
Mutual friend took offense at this but friend said that it must be awful for a grandmother and stated that ALL grandmothers would want to spend time with their grandchildren and said that I should give my mother a chance to prove herself too.

I said never (my DCs are adopted so even more vulnerable) and she didn't deserve a chance.
Friend was horrified and got a bit upset saying her mum loves her kids and she lives for them.
We said that was great for her and my PILs are brilliant with my DCs but they were good people and my mother wasn't a good mother. She was very upset and asked how I would feel if my daughter hated me. I said I would be gutted but I am trying my best to be a good mother.

Friend ended up crying and went to call her mother to say that she loved her. When she came back we told her that she had to accept that some people were not good mothers.
She maintained that anyone who was a mother was good and it was other people (like ungrateful daughters) who kept mother's away from their children and grand children who were at fault.

So AIBU to think that some people aren't good mothers or am I just jaded by my own mother.

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 15/04/2015 22:39

I would not see this person again. How dare she negate your experiences in that way?

cogitosum · 15/04/2015 22:42

I love my mother and try to be a good mother but can still empathise.

You sound amazing. Your friend sounds unhinged and completely lacking in empathy.

Flowers
Purplefrogeatsalily · 15/04/2015 22:43

Your friend is fortunate that she has no idea what she is talking about.

And you sound like an amazing person OP.

Galrick · 15/04/2015 22:46

Your friend sounds terrified of losing her mother's love, which she appears to believe she should earn. Hmm ...

Either all is not quite as pretty as it's painted, or she's not quite normal.

If she's going to carry on trying to emotionally blackmail you - and it sounds as though she will - I recommend you ditch her and buddy up with the strict woman's daughter!

Satsumafairy · 15/04/2015 22:47

Yanbu AT ALL!!! Your friend is very, very naive. I am very close to someone with a similarly abusive background op and she has had to fend off comments a bit like this too. On the upside we have a mutual friend who has an extremely abusive mother and they have been able to support and help each other a lot. It's actually very unsupportive of your friend.

alteredbeast · 15/04/2015 22:47

My own mother brainwashed me with the view that a mother was good just by virtue of being a mother. It confused me and stopped me speaking out about my awful relationship with her.

I find it interesting that people read about bad mothers all the time, but when faced with the prospect in real life, they can't fathom it.

Satsumafairy · 15/04/2015 22:48

Agree with others that you sound brilliant op. Flowers

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 15/04/2015 22:51

Even if your friend has issues, or believes all women are redeemed through motherhood, she had no right to brush aside the years of pain you have suffered. People like this make me angry, the lack of empathy because they had wonderful parents is astounding.

I see it quite simply. If a dog bit me, would I think it could play nice with my children? Some people are bad, through and through, being a mum or grandmother doesn't change that.

Nayville · 15/04/2015 22:53

That's what I thought Galrick

Preciousbane · 15/04/2015 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RusticBlush · 15/04/2015 23:01

Sorry no advice to offer but huge Flowers to you Op.

djrmrcbhyvf · 15/04/2015 23:02

The comment that your friend's mother "lives for her grandchildren" would seriously worry me. YANBU not all mothers are good.

inhopeofbetter · 15/04/2015 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/04/2015 00:01

Another one thinking that your friend has some major issues with her own mother, which she has been trying to cover up for a long time. It could, of course, be that her mother is terminally ill and she hasn't felt able to tell you or anyone else, hence her distress, but it's rather more likely that her mother is manipulative and has forced an unhealthy relationship on her DD - your friend. But that isn't your responsibility.
If she's a good friend in other ways and she will agree that the subject of mothers is one you will not discuss again, then you can probably stay friends with her. But you would also need to agree to keep off the subject when you are with her. If someone has been determinedly deluding him/herself about something sensitive like a family relationship for a long time, pushing that person to admit to the problem is intrusive and damaging.

loveareadingthanks · 16/04/2015 12:01

She's weird. There might be a reason you don't know about for this weirdness (is she hiding having problems bonding with her own children and is panicking about what this means? Was her own mother abusive and she's in denial?).

Or she's just weird because she is. Let's face it, you could be so unempathetic and small minded that you refuse to accept that mothers are not automatically wonderful. But then to start crying about it and having to rush off to call her mum is downright strange.

Don't bother trying to get her to see your point of view; she can't. If you want to stay friends, I like the earlier suggestion to briefly contact her to tell her that her disbelief of your situation was upsetting and insulting to you, and you never wish to have another discussion about mothers with her in future, so you can remain friends.

loveareadingthanks · 16/04/2015 12:04

Actually, I'm now thinking maybe she isn't someone you should have as a friend. Someone who blames the victim of abuse, for that abuse, is not a good person. Does she believe rape victims are responsible for the rape? That victims of domestic violence must have caused the other person to lose their temper? Your mother sounds awful. Your friend is an arse to say this is your fault.

Variousrandomthings · 16/04/2015 12:11

She's effectively victim blaming. She has no experience beyond her own lovely little perfect life bubble and is ignorant to the extreme of real life.

Variousrandomthings · 16/04/2015 12:14

I would probably have to give get a list of evil mothers in your shoes.

Mothers are like everyone else - good, bad, mediocre, brilliant,

curlyweasel · 16/04/2015 12:16

Your friend is a dickhead at best, disturbed at worst. You sound amazing and you are most definitely NBU.

I wish I had gone NC 20 odd years ago with mine and saved a lot of heartache.

rembrandtsrockchick · 16/04/2015 12:20

Galric and Solid Gold Brass have probably got it right. Seems like her relationship with her own mother is terribly unhealthy and she is unable to address or even to see it. Just hearing about someone else's less than perfect mother is threatening to her.

crazykat · 16/04/2015 12:22

Your friend was way over the top.

Some mums, and dads for that matter, are awful and abusive, while others do their best to do right by their children. Your friend is lucky to have a good mum, as am I, and your children are lucky to have you.

Equally there are some spiteful adult children who won't let their parents see their grandchildren for the slightest reason.

No way on earth should you let your mum near your dcs.

redexpat · 16/04/2015 12:25

She sounds v v naive. You sound frickin awesome. Thanks

redexpat · 16/04/2015 12:27

Could you ask her what childrens social services do all day if all mothers are good.

Variousrandomthings · 16/04/2015 12:36

Her response was really weird. Crying, then ringing her mother, then putting you both right. Very odd reaction

TheListingAttic · 16/04/2015 12:42

Seriously?! It's lovely for your friend that she has a great mum, and gets on well with her. Some of us are lucky. But she's seriously lacking in imagination/the ability to read a newspaper occasionally if she can't see that not all mothers are nice people, and some unfortunate souls get a very different sort of person for a parent.