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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

friend needs to accept some mothers are bad (triggers)

72 replies

friendworries · 15/04/2015 22:09

Namechanged so it's not connected to my usual name.

So background first.
I have known my friend for seven years. Her family life was pretty normal as far as I can tell mum dad and a sibling. She is very close to her mum and they go shopping twice a month and her mum babysits her kids and picks them up from school anytime they ask.

My father was abusive and my mother enabled him and let him abuse me and pretended it wasn't happening. Though he did abuse her as well. We left when I was 8 years old when I packed a case for me and my brother and insisted that we all leave together.

She refused to get a job once we left and she wouldn't let me mention anything about our previous lives especially not between me and my brother.
She started drinking so I took care of my brother.
Then my brother died and my mother got worse and she blamed me for everything. I moved in with a family friend and then I moved away to university met my husband and lived in our university town 5 hours away and I lost contact with her.

Just before I got married I contacted my mother again and tried to build some bridges. She told me she missed me and loved me etc and she called me every day of the week and travelled up to see me and meet DH and we ended up inviting her to the wedding.

She turned up on the day and objected to my marriage saying that she didn't like my DH and hated us together and had to be removed from the church then she turned up at the after party, drunk and went a bit crazy saying that I didn't deserve happiness and she had done her best to raise me.

Needless to say I haven't seen her since and she has never met her grandchildren. She has been out of my life for nearly 6 years.

So to the point we were out with another mutual friend.
Mutual friend said that her mother didn't want to babysit her DCs but it was okay because her mother was very strict.
Friend was horrified and said that mutual friend must have really upset her mother and the reason her mother didn't babysit was probably down to mutual friends attitude and negativity towards her mother.
Mutual friend took offense at this but friend said that it must be awful for a grandmother and stated that ALL grandmothers would want to spend time with their grandchildren and said that I should give my mother a chance to prove herself too.

I said never (my DCs are adopted so even more vulnerable) and she didn't deserve a chance.
Friend was horrified and got a bit upset saying her mum loves her kids and she lives for them.
We said that was great for her and my PILs are brilliant with my DCs but they were good people and my mother wasn't a good mother. She was very upset and asked how I would feel if my daughter hated me. I said I would be gutted but I am trying my best to be a good mother.

Friend ended up crying and went to call her mother to say that she loved her. When she came back we told her that she had to accept that some people were not good mothers.
She maintained that anyone who was a mother was good and it was other people (like ungrateful daughters) who kept mother's away from their children and grand children who were at fault.

So AIBU to think that some people aren't good mothers or am I just jaded by my own mother.

OP posts:

CatsCantTwerk · 16/04/2015 12:43

Your friend is a loon to think that.

GraysAnalogy · 16/04/2015 12:44

Firstly I have to say you sound amazing, what you did for you and your brother was brave and how you've turned your life around is amazing.

Your friend sounds weird.

Blueskybrightstar · 16/04/2015 13:59

This friend sounds a bit emotionally unstable to me, as well as being either a bit thick or almost obsessively a believer in the fact that her point of view is always right. I would avoid her like the plague.

Well done for taking such a bad situation and making success of your life, your family, your obviously well adjusted personality and your happiness to the extent that you ave! Inspiring

MrsTedCrilly · 16/04/2015 14:05

Your friend sounds nuts and totally lacking in empathy. She can't see beyond her own world which is a horrible quality! You can't change this in her no matter how much you tell her about your experience. It sounds like your children will benefit far more from not knowing her.. At least they have your ILs

MrsTedCrilly · 16/04/2015 14:05

benefit from not knowing your mum*

GunShotResidue · 16/04/2015 14:14

It sounds like your friend either has physiological issues or a very worrying relationship with her mum, or both.

You sound amazing, what you've been through is terrible. I agree with others, being nc with your mum is what's best for your children.

sparechange · 16/04/2015 14:24

YANBU, obviously
But your friend's view isn't that uncommon. I'm NC with my mother after a horrific childhood and have come across people (including my ExMIL) who just can't comprehend that a mother can be capable of anything other than undying love and care for children.

flora717 · 16/04/2015 14:25

My mum and I NC. Your friend is either very fortunate or raised by such a narc she cannot see a mother can and should have a relationship founded on respect love and trust over duty. For those of us without that. We are not in the wrong to draw a line. I do not owe my mother. You're amazing. I hope your friend is the genuine product of a truly loving family and very very sheltered.

lastuseraccount123 · 16/04/2015 16:24

YANBU, and your friend is naive. Unfortunately a lot of people raised with good parents just don't get it. Don't apologise, don't explain. She just doesn't get it.

loveandsmiles · 16/04/2015 16:38

conferencepear wise words x

OP YANBU

My mum and dad divorced when I was 5 years old and I've never seen or heard from my dad since. My mum was a horrible mother but we tolerated each other. It wasn't until I had children of my own that I realised what a useless mother she had been. It's a very long story, but eventually went NC 2 years ago.

Friends constantly say it's terrible I don't speak to her and don't let her see her grandchildren. Well, they are lucky to have lovely mothers but unfortunately mine isn't and my life is better for no longer having her in it. Unfortunately not all mothers are great

geekymommy · 16/04/2015 16:54

There is plentiful evidence that not all mothers are good. You have some of it from personal experience.

Logically, your friend's statements don't even add up. If all mothers are good, how can there be bad, ungrateful daughters who prevent grandmothers from seeing their grandchildren? Wouldn't the daughters, being mothers, necessarily be good?

It's basic logic- if you have a set of statements, and you can use those statements to prove a contradiction, one or more of those statements must be false. By definition, all grandmothers are mothers. She has stated that all mothers are good, and that there exist mothers who don't allow grandmothers access to their grandchildren. She clearly believes that a good person would not deprive another good person of access to a child. You see the contradiction here, don't you?

Ginmartini · 16/04/2015 16:59

Your friend is an emotionally unimaginative dick.

Sorry you have a shit mum. I bet you are a cracking mum yourself though.

Charlotte3333 · 16/04/2015 17:05

Your friend is entirely wrong; there are awful Mums everywhere. She's just fortunate enough to have never experienced one. Not every Mum deserves to know her children, not every Grandma deserves to know her Grandchildren. You have to earn that privilege with hard work, effort and unending love. If you can't do that for your offspring, you don't have any rights when they're older.

You are amazing, though. Just amazing.

Italiangreyhound · 16/04/2015 17:13

Your friend is an idiot who has either led a very sheltered and happy life (as have I, by the way) but has never had her eyes opened to the wider world. My son is adopted and I know more now, having read profiles of other children awaiting adoption, and understand that just being a biological or adoptive mum doesn't automatically make a person a good person or a good mum (or dad).

Or your friend has experienced bad mothers (not necessarily her own) and bad people in life and has chosen to construct for herself an unreal fantasy to live in.

Either way she needs to quickly understand you have made your own choices and done AMAZINGLY well after a very difficult start. And your mutual friend has every right to decide who looks after her own children.

I am so sorry to hear of your difficult start in life and the loss of your beloved brother.

I hope your friend will quickly realise how hurtful and unhelpful her behaviour was. I would even go so far as to say she sounds a tiny bit unhinged!

I agree with others - maybe her own mum is ill, or has been, or I even wonder if she may be suffering from some sort of post natal depression, which may mean in her mind she is the bad mum! NOT that post natal depression makes you a bad mum but that it may make her feel she is, and if so she may feel she is the one who deserves a chance! I say this because I think running off to call a mum and being in tears about someone else's family choices is really rather strange.

Bless you and hope her views do not spoil your friendship. But if they do, keep yourself safe from very negative behaviour. I like the previous poster's idea of being around radiators and not drains!

Momagain1 · 16/04/2015 17:13

Your friend, and/or her mother has serious mental health issues and a weird relationship. Being a little blind to the fact that bad mothers exists other than on the TV is one thing. Weeping and needing to call her mummy for reassurance is bizarre.

The subject is undiscussable in future, or the friendship is over.

popalot · 16/04/2015 17:30

I wouldn't say she was a friend. I'd give her a wiiiiide berth in future as she not only dismissed your entire childhood/adult experience with your mum, but also took to being the upset one and cried to her mum about it. All very manipulative and unkind.

maliaki · 16/04/2015 19:48

YANBU, your mother sounds horrific tbh OP, I really feel for you.

As to your friend, she sounds very self absorbed and ignorant. Does she really think Baby P's mother was a good one? I cannot believe someone would be both so stupid and cruel knowing your history.

Could something be wrong with her mum that's make her so unreasonable and overreacting?

What does your other friend intend to do about your friend?

Meerka · 16/04/2015 19:56

She maintained that anyone who was a mother was good

where the hell does she live? Cloud cuckoo land?

Has she got ishoos? To react like that - crying and having to ring her mother to say she loves her when someone else happens to say their mother isn't in touch with their daughters ... that's quite an oversensitive reaction there. As others have said, that's not normal. Neither is such crass insensitivity, come to think of it. Everyone except the very stupid or very, very sheltered knows not to rub their friends' faces into bad situations.

I almost prefer abusive mothers like my biol. mother (think hands round neck, screaming, kicking her curled-up-on-the-floor children) to offensively stupid people like your friend. Actually both sorts of people need avoiding; one of them is highly abusive and the other makes it all worse by invalidating you.

YANBU

TwoOddSocks · 16/04/2015 20:05

She must be over compensating for some issue or insecurity. I don't care if you have the best mum in the world, it's obvious that not all mothers are wonderful mothers. Some are incredibly abusive or neglectful some are just mediocre and not very caring and others are in between.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 16/04/2015 20:12

Sounds like she has an anxious attachment to her mother and it's actually based on very fragile foundations. Plus she's a dick.

Liara · 16/04/2015 20:17

Your friend has serious issues around motherhood, whereas you clearly have your head screwed on right.

She must feel very insecure about her own parenting to react like that.

PeppermintCrayon · 17/04/2015 09:35

Your friend sounds REALLY defensive. This makes interesting reading: emergingfrombroken.com/why-people-discount-the-adult-child-and-defend-the-abuser/

I'm sorry because I know from experience that it's really gutting when people trot out this claptrap like "you only get one mum" (shame she did such a shit job of it then). But this sounds SO extreme and not borne out of reality.

If she was truly happy and secure in her relationship with her mum she wouldn't have needed to call her.

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