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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do some nice intelligent women end up with crappy men?

105 replies

Thecowandcat · 15/04/2015 19:09

I've been reading a few threads on here today that got me thinking, why do some women end up with such awful men?

I'm not talking about the horribly physically and emotionally abusive ones, where women get trapped and are intimidated and afraid so they end up staying.

I'm talking about the more everyday kind of awful man.

For example, a friend of mine is an amazing women. She has a great career, a great personality, is good looking, is funny, is wise and kind. She is one of the best people I know.

And yet . . .

She is married to this utter doilum. He makes creepy flirtatious comments to other women and clearly thinks the sun shines out of his arse. I avoid him when possible.

In fairness she seems fairly happy and it's possible that she doesn't know about the comments. He's pretty clever and the comments are sometimes open to interpretation, a lot of the creepiness is in the tone and they are never made in front of her, so maybe she is clueless about that side of him.

I just cannot understand how such an amazing women ended up with a man who is so far beneath her.

Anyone else observed this?

OP posts:
TwllBach · 15/04/2015 19:12

Because academic intelligence doesn't actually have much bearing on emotional stability and self esteem, nor does academic intelligence automatically mean that your friend has come from a stable loving family, which also will affect her ability to choose suitable partners.

twirlypoo · 15/04/2015 19:15

On the surface I appear to be a success - I have always had good jobs, I used to model so I know I used to be vaguely attractive, I have a degree so I know i can't be that stupid. However, I have crap self esteem and put on a front, where I pretend to be that person that is a success.

My relationships have all been dismal, and I have been treated appallingly, because that's what I feel I really deserved (I was abused as a child and teen) - and that belief pierces through the front I put on for public viewing.

I'm not sure that makes sense?! I've had a lot of psychotherapy to try and understand myself better and stop repeating the patterns.

So I can't talk for everyone in that situation, but that's why it was the case for me.

twirlypoo · 15/04/2015 19:16

Twllbatch says it so much better than I did! That's what I was trying to explain, clumsily!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/04/2015 19:22

Yep low self esteem. I really believe that being able to choose a decent partner is a massively important life skill. I am always emphasising to my kids that they should not put up with a rubbish boyfriend/girlfriend or even friend come to that.

Original poster
Thecowandcat · 15/04/2015 19:24

Perhaps that is the answer then. I wouldn't never have thought my friend has low self esteem but then I have no way of knowing. Sad

OP posts:
sonjadog · 15/04/2015 19:24

Low self-esteem. I also know of several lovely men who ended up with awful women. They could have done so much better but they stuck with them because they were terrified no-one else would ever want them.

shewept · 15/04/2015 19:29

Low self esteem is definitely the top reason. Many people don't seem to have a problem and seem confident. But deep down they aren't. People of either sex pick the wrong partner all the time. They get it a relationship and then feel they can't get out or can't do any better, so stay.

DontOpenDeadInside · 15/04/2015 19:32

I include myself in this sadly (well I'm not that inteligent but i get by) I've got no self esteem, well had none, I seem to be getting some as I'm finding dp to be such a drip lately. Its like having another kid most days. Just biding my time until I can get out. Unfortunately he is such a drip that he will not move out of our 3 bed housing assoc. house as he will not sort anything out for himself, and I refuse to move out with 3 dc when this is their home.

twirlypoo · 15/04/2015 19:34

Also, just from my own perspective again. I know I'm a high achiever in other areas of my life - the idea of failing an exam or not getting a promotion is mortifying to me. so when I'm in a relationship, I keep fighting to try and fix it so that no one can say I failed. I see it as a personal thing that I've fucked up on, so I keep on trying long after a 'normal' person would have dumped someone!

DontOpenDeadInside · 15/04/2015 19:39

I'm also very empathetic and feel sorry for dp so don't want to dump him with no family or friends (by choice) near by.

cosytoaster · 15/04/2015 19:45

Because there aren't enough good ones to go round

GloGirl · 15/04/2015 19:46

I'm bridedmaid for someone getting married in October to a complete gimboid. I was afraid she would ebd up with an EA nan, so I think we're lucky really. But he used to worship her and now acts cocky and arrogant because he has it all. Like a footballer who plays for Chealsea aged 22 and thinks he's the luckiest fuck alice but turns into a right swaggering knob head.

not sure if she's noticed yet.

GloGirl · 15/04/2015 19:48

Ea man, not nan!

hidingfromthem · 15/04/2015 19:51

there's not that many nice guys out there.
few and far between IMO.

Smarterthantheaveragebeaver · 15/04/2015 19:54

I have a friend, although not a close one, who is very bright, bubbly and attractive. I cant work out why for the last 20 years she has shared her and her daughters home with a convicted sex offender.(the offence was circa 30 years ago and he served 5 years, I think) He's tried it on with her daughter, and someone that he works with. There are probably others too. He doesnt work and spends all his time on the computer or in front of the TV. She wont tell him to leave as she's worried in case he damages her property. He wont let her go out drinking with us very often in case she meets someone else. If she's out past the 9.00 pm curfew he gives her, he starts texting agressive/ sarky messages. I feel so sad for her, shes in her early 40s and should be enjoying herself with someone who appreciates her.

mooth · 15/04/2015 19:57

Ha! Dunno but I've done it enough times!!

BathshebaDarkstone · 15/04/2015 19:59

Because you don't find out what people are really like until you move in with them.

Shallishanti · 15/04/2015 20:06

Smarter, your friend is being abused.Sad
try to find out where the local women's aid or similar are and tell her about them, being careful not to let him know

Sagethyme · 15/04/2015 20:07

You could also ask why some sensitive, intelligent men marry crappy women, i knew a really lovely guy who married a very absuvive woman, she pretty much broke him, sadly he never confided in anyone so no one new how bad things had become, he took his own life Sad

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/04/2015 20:09

Hmmm, not sure about that Bathsheba. My sister's husband was a paranoid, jealous fucker who ended up physically and emotionally abusing her. But even when they were kids going out with each other he was a paranoid, jealous fucker. When I expressed my concerns my sister and parents told me firmly that it was just cos he loved her so muchHmm. But then my Dad was a very jealous person too, hated my Mum even speaking to another man. It was seen as normal in our house.

I try to teach my kids to spot the early signs, because that bastard has utterly ruined my sister's life.

VenetiaFleet · 15/04/2015 20:11

It beats me too OP. One of the smartest women I know was pregnant when her husband met someone else and decided he didn't want to be tied down by a child. But she eventually took him back and they went for counselling and she says things are great now but it's clear that she still doesn't trust him. Another friend, also pretty smart, has been with a guy for ten years and wanted a baby for a long time. He's always said no so she "accidentally" got pregnant. I know he's an idiot for not using protection himself, but I do worry about her as he wasn't happy when he found out about her pregnancy. She's convinced he'll come around as soon as he sees the baby so I really hope she's right.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/04/2015 20:15

venetia I think it's pretty low to trick someone into a pregnancy. Your friend sounds like the abusive one here.

DarthVadersTailor · 15/04/2015 20:16

Let's not forget that there's lots of men that end up with awful women too folks!!!

But I certainly ask myself this question too OP. Some friends of mine, as good as they are in every other aspect, can be awful with women. One such example cannot keep his dick in his pants, with every partner he has he just cannot stop himself from playing away and frankly I just can't abide it as I've never cheated on a partner and never would. Just don't understand why you'd be in a relationship with someone you (supposedly) love and then lie to them constantly?

Another guy I used to work with (not by any means a friend) was just simply a liar in every aspect, he'd lie to his wife about the smallest, most pointless and meaningless things out of habit. And then he'd shag around the office with whoever would be willing. Shameless about it too.

I just don't get some people, men and women both.....

VipersBosom · 15/04/2015 20:24

I think it can be more complicated than low self-esteem leading someone to choose someone 'objectively' horrible, eg abusive, unfaithful, or a cocklodger. People just see people differently. What looks from the outside like, say a stellar woman choosing a dullard looks differently to her - what I might see as boring, whiny and old before his time, she may see as attractively safe, reliable and enjoyably caustic.

Men equally, obviously. My BIL's wife appears to me to be wet , prissy and passive-aggressive, resolutely anti-jollification, the type who retires to bed in the afternoon with the vapours at the slightest pretext, and a crashing snob about her lovely working-class ILs (who are also my ILS). My BIL (whom I like) perceives her, as far as I can see, as a fragile, genteel flower to be protected and babied, rather than a funless misanthrope who forbade their sons to say 'poo' or 'wee' as small children (they had to say 'excrement' and 'urine'...) Their relationship clearly works for them, though.

VenetiaFleet · 15/04/2015 20:29

Tinkly I wouldn't class either of them as abusive, but I agree that she's been quite silly to "accidentally" get pregnant. He is very odd - never wants to go out, always orders takeaway as he doesn't like the smell of cooking, and has said he will not do any childcare when she's back at work so the baby has to go to nursery even though he doesn't work (although he's independently wealthy). I don't know why she didn't leave him years ago as she's young enough that she could meet someone else who actually wants kids, but I guess the heart wants what the heart wants!

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