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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is DH UR to insist I tell parents he will supervise play date?

61 replies

vvviola · 15/04/2015 11:22

DD1 wants a friend to come over after school next week. DD has been there before, we're happy to have the girl over.

DH does school run and appears to be SAHD (he works funny hours from home so is always available for pick up etc). He collected DD1 from her play at other girls house before. Other than the 1st few weeks of school before I started back at work, I have never done pick ups etc, so if anyone is known to other parents it would be DH (DD has only been in the school since January).

For various reasons I am the one who deals with phone calls/invitations/calendars in our house, so I am sending the Mum a text with the invite.

DH is insisting that I have to make it very clear that he is the one who will be picking up/supervising them. I think it's kind of irrelevant and that in any case, the Mum will know he does pick up rather than me.

Is he BU? Or would you expect a message about a play date to specify which parent would be there? (Part of my conviction that he is UR is coming from the fact that every time I try to include it in the text, it just comes across really weird!)

OP posts:

NakedBaby · 15/04/2015 11:26

Tbh - I would include it - but it makes more sense for him to send the text & sign his own name.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 15/04/2015 11:26

Having read mothering forums for a while he is right, there are some bloody stupid mums out there.

TeenAndTween · 15/04/2015 11:27

I think if he wants you to make it clear then you should.
"Can XXX come over to play on Fri, say 10-12? DH will be supervising as I'll be working".

WorraLiberty · 15/04/2015 11:28

If I were him, I would send the text myself.

houseofstark · 15/04/2015 11:28

Wouldn't it just be easier if he arranges it himself. It's then especially obvious to the other parent that he'll be supervising without actually having to say it - I can imagine how awkward that is to word!

It will only take a minute for him to text. He may find it strange to do initially but if he does most pick ups, it will become more and more normal for him.

capsium · 15/04/2015 11:28

Why doesn't DH text to make arrangements then? Something like just to confirm I will be picking girls up from school on "-day". We'll be having such and such for dinner, let me know if that is OK etc.

capsium · 15/04/2015 11:29

X post.

base9 · 15/04/2015 11:29

He is not being unreasonable. I think he is calling this one spot on: some parents would object if just Dad was there. And parents will want to know who is Supervising.

FenellaFellorick · 15/04/2015 11:29

I agree. He should make the arrangements himself, then it is clear.

sleepwhenidie · 15/04/2015 11:29

I think you are right that it seems a but odd but why don't you just do a text saying 'can DH give them anything for dinner or are there things friend won't eat?' Then it's obvious it's him going to be there, not you?

schoolclosed · 15/04/2015 11:30

I think people do it. I do it too. The final text would say something like: "Sounds like a plan: Fred will bring the girls back to ours and give them a snack. If you need to contact him, his number is 01234 567890." I think it's usual to have the name and number of the person looking after your kid and for them to have yours.

I guess the subtext is that he knows that some people wouldn't want a man looking after their child for a couple of hours. There's no point pretending that it's not a thing - there really are people for whom men are a problem. I can see why he wants to be sure up front that everyone knows what's happening.

Incidentally, the whole thing would be avoided if he would send the damn text! But that's a whole other thing.

Chumpster · 15/04/2015 11:33

My friends generally tell me if their DH will be supervising the playdate, and generally say 'hope DD will be OK with that'. I think its because DD knows the mum's better, but that might not apply in your case. I wouldn't be bothered either way, but I think sometimes its nice for DD to be prepared as she might have been expecting a mum to supervise because for whatever reason that is most common. I would probably send the text teen and tween suggests.

WorraLiberty · 15/04/2015 11:35

Anyone else want to ring Fred on 01234 567890 and ask him to babysit?

Ok, just me then

iseenodust · 15/04/2015 11:40

If primary age then agree with your DH. School expect to be told/ certain child clearly knows who is picking up.

Koalafications · 15/04/2015 11:42

I'm quite that a dad would have to think like this.

I remember a school friend coming to the seaside with us for the day when I was about 14/15 and we were leaving really early. She wasn't allowed to stay at my dads house in case anything 'funny' went on . Just a bit sad that dad's are viewed in this way.

UnbelievableBollocks · 15/04/2015 11:42

Its not unreasonable to say that DH will be picking them up. Why would it be?

wanttosqueezeyou · 15/04/2015 11:43

If you make the arrangement it implies that you will be there. It would be misleading to then have him there.

Even though if he'd arranged it in the first place it would have been fine.

If my dc are going home with other parents I am explicit about who they should expect to be collecting them.

keepsmiling2015 · 15/04/2015 11:47

I'd just say my dh will be picking them up. I'd say that even if it were my mother/sister/other person just so she knows out if courtesy. Not because he's a man.

Shamalamalam · 15/04/2015 11:47

I don't think he's unreasonable either. I'd text what PPs have suggested.

Most parents want to know who is picking up/looking after their child, but DH was a SAHD for a while and there were a few parents who weren't happy than a man would be looking after them on his own.

PtolemysNeedle · 15/04/2015 11:48

I'd tell them.

tabulahrasa · 15/04/2015 11:52

I'd assume it was whoever arranged it unless they said otherwise...but I don't think you need to specifically say that your DH will be supervising - you just put his name where you would say I if it was you doing it.

DH will pick them up and give them dinner and drop x off at o'clock, if that's ok? - for example.

tumbletumble · 15/04/2015 12:01

I agree this shouldn't be necessary, but I think some parents would prefer to know.

RedRugNoniMouldiesEtc · 15/04/2015 12:07

He's right, possibly not something this particular parent would worry about but some parents would sadly.

Momagain1 · 15/04/2015 12:09

I am pretty sure I have read a thread where a mum was kind of mad that the arranger of the playdate was not the supervisor of the playdate. Though whther the supervisor was dad, step parent, or grandparent, I dont recall. Might have been a teenaged sibling. They were frothy though.

Being clear about what adult is supervising seems basic good manners. Not doing so could create a situation in which they feel misled, even if they have no issue with the person they didn't know was going to be there.

WorraLiberty · 15/04/2015 12:11

It's not even so much to do with the fact a man will be supervising, more that someone other than the text sender/inviter will be supervising.

I remember my DS getting an invite to dinner at his friend's house and when I picked him up, it was his adult sister who was home.

It didn't bother me of course, but I was a little surprised because I assumed the Mum would have been there, only because she was the one who invited him over.

I think it's common sense to tell your DH to make the arrangements himself.

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