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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH UR to insist I tell parents he will supervise play date?

61 replies

vvviola · 15/04/2015 11:22

DD1 wants a friend to come over after school next week. DD has been there before, we're happy to have the girl over.

DH does school run and appears to be SAHD (he works funny hours from home so is always available for pick up etc). He collected DD1 from her play at other girls house before. Other than the 1st few weeks of school before I started back at work, I have never done pick ups etc, so if anyone is known to other parents it would be DH (DD has only been in the school since January).

For various reasons I am the one who deals with phone calls/invitations/calendars in our house, so I am sending the Mum a text with the invite.

DH is insisting that I have to make it very clear that he is the one who will be picking up/supervising them. I think it's kind of irrelevant and that in any case, the Mum will know he does pick up rather than me.

Is he BU? Or would you expect a message about a play date to specify which parent would be there? (Part of my conviction that he is UR is coming from the fact that every time I try to include it in the text, it just comes across really weird!)

OP posts:
Chrysanthemum5 · 15/04/2015 12:16

When DD was in pre-school her best friend was a boy and we'd had this child over for a play date. I knew the dad was a SAHD, and had talked to him a lot. However, when they wanted to offer a play date for DD he made his wife talk to me about it in case I wasn't comfortable with a man looking after my child. I thought it was sad that he felt like that, but apparently he'd had problems with other parents not being happy - they had assumed the mum would be there even though she worked away.

So, I can see your DH's point. The dad is question got his wife to talk to me because he was pretty embarrassed by feeling like he had to check.

ClaudetteWyms · 15/04/2015 12:17

DH is not unreasonable. I know a few dads that supervise play dates but I unfortunately also know a couple of mums and dads who are not too pleased if it turns out their precious little ones are supervised by a male. Very sad, but true.

If organised by text, senders usually do say if it will be someone other than them supervising - e.g. dad / nanny etc. - so I don't think it's unreasonable or odd to do this at all.

lucycant · 15/04/2015 12:18

I think parents should know who will be supervising and picking up their child. So I think that should always be clear anyway.

DixieNormas · 15/04/2015 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GnomeDePlume · 15/04/2015 12:38

I think he is right but certainly with us I tend to make written arrangements as DH is dyslexic so cant 'do' text messages.

Purplepixiedust · 15/04/2015 12:38

I think it is a good idea to mention your DH will be supervising. You don't need to make a big thing of it, in those circumstances I would usually say 'DH will be on duty as I am working late that day - his number is 0123 456789 if you need to contact him". Once they have been round and everyone has the necessary numbers, I don't usually bother mentioning it.

My H picks up regularly and is known to other parents. Often he makes arrangements at the school gate by having a word with the other child's parent. If arranging something on a day when the other one of us will pick up, we both say that sounds great but I will need to check with X as they are picking up that day.

If I text to arrange something for them for a weekend like a trip to the park - I would say "DH and DS are off to the park about 10.30 and wondered if your DS/DD would like to join them".

lucycant · 15/04/2015 12:40

Easiest thing would be for him to make the arrangements. It makes sense that whoever will be supervising, makes the arrangements.

SingingHinnies · 15/04/2015 12:42

My ex does school runs and minds the kids on an evening, on a few occassions he has felt uncomfortable when dds have had friends round. Maybe he thinks some dms will be uncomfortable with dh minding them. Its pretty sad really but i would probably say dh is watching them if he is

BigBoobiedBertha · 15/04/2015 12:46

I can see why he wants to say something even though it is a bit sad. It wouldn't bother me but I have 2 boys. Maybe I would feel differently if it were girls. It shouldn't but I don't know.

I would say something like 'DH asked me to ask what your DD would like for tea as he will be cooking tea as I don't get in from work until X' If the other mother isn't bothered this won't get her thinking or make her wonder if she should be concerned if she never has before, and if she might be bothered, at least she will know who is in charge without stirring things and making her even more suspicious.

lucycant · 15/04/2015 12:52

Bertha. I don't even think it is about the fact he is a man. Wouldn't you want to know who would actually be picking up and supervising your kids?

Original poster
vvviola · 15/04/2015 12:54

Hmm. Seems like DH is not UR I hate it when that happens

I'll try to include it in a text message then - maybe mention that as DH usually walks DD home, we're ok for car seats etc.

(tried to write a longer post but my phone hates me as keeps deleting bits.)

OP posts:
TraceyTrickster · 15/04/2015 12:55

My husband organises his work to do school pick ups, while I arrange the playdates. So I tend to text and just say 'George will give them a snack and his number is xxxxxx ' so its clear its his gig.

Original poster
vvviola · 15/04/2015 13:02

The thing is lucy DH is always picking up the DC, and is the one who would be known to the parents at the school gate. I can understand the idea of wanting to know who is picking up your kids, but I'm pretty sure that's not why DH was insisting they be told - it's because he's aware that he's a MAN and supervising children Shock. I guess that because I'm aware that kids are far more likely to have fun on a play date with him in charge than me (most likely some painting, play in the garden etc compared to my approach of benign neglect) that it irritates me that I have to make sure everyone knows it's him picking up and not me.

OP posts:
Heebiejeebie · 15/04/2015 13:05

Totally ur to not text himself so they have each other's numbers if there's an issue on the day.

wanttosqueezeyou · 15/04/2015 13:07

it's because he's aware that he's a MAN and supervising children

Are you sure its not just because the person who's making the arrangements isn't the one who'll be there?

Nervo · 15/04/2015 13:09

How about a text along the lines of 'Would X like to come and play with Y after school on Tuesday?' If so, dh will pick them both up from school and take X home at 6pm.

Keep it brief. If X would like to come then details, numbers can be arranged afterwards.

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 15/04/2015 13:11

So far as I can see you'd have to go out of your way NOT to mention it? Surely you'd be saying something like "OK, so DH will pick the girls up from school and walk them down to our house - can you make sure the school know? What time suits you to pick up?" - otherwise what are you putting in the text to begin with?

DinosaursRoar · 15/04/2015 13:12

I think your DH is right too, and yes, it is annoying when that happens... Grin

I also would want to tell my DC who was picking them up, so best they know who.

ragged · 15/04/2015 13:13

DH is also an apparent SAHD, he does most the school runs & coordinates all the play dates.

I think it just tells the Guest parent who to look for at school gate if last minute changes & who to text if any issues come up.

LowryFan · 15/04/2015 13:17

I have no problem with my DC being looked after by men or women. But I do like to know who is looking after them, that we can contact each other, and what their address is.

I always drop into the arrangements if DH is going to be looking after other people's children, usually if they ask for a childcare favour and I'm working but DH isn't.

HopLittleBunny · 15/04/2015 13:21

At the primaries my DC used to attend, there was a sheet up to write down if anyone other than the child's usual carer was picking them up that afternoon. Presumably as a safeguarding thing. So it would make sense to confirm who was actually collecting the children from school so the parent who drops them off in the morning can be clear to the school and the child that Dave is picking them up tonight to go for tea with Esmerelda.

TheRealMaryMillington · 15/04/2015 13:25

I would tell them who will be at home/doing pick up.

So they know, and so the kid knows. (this v important sometimes if kids are shy etc)

In fact they might be more inclined to say yes if they have never clapped eyes on you but have seen DH at the school gate.

So don't over think it. I'd just say can x come to play, dh will pick them up - can you let school know

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 15/04/2015 13:25

I get that he might want it included because he is (shock horror) a man looking after children.

However, at a practical level it makes sense. Just because he normally picks up doesn't mean that a text from you won't confuse the other mum (I'd probably assume that for some reason you were doing pick up that day if the text comes from you).

I would just say something like "Matt will bring our spare car seat with him so no need to worry about one". Conveys that it will be the normal parent without labouring the point.

MrsFlannel · 15/04/2015 13:28

Why doesn't he just take over texts for playdates? My DD's friend has a SAHD and he's the one who asks me if DD can come over. He texts or calls...I don't think that's unusual.

BigBoobiedBertha · 15/04/2015 13:35

lucy - actually I don't really think about it. My children usually go to people I know a little bit. It would never occur to me to wonder if it were the father or the mother picking up and it has been either one or both. So long as they are picked up by one of the other child's parent I am honestly not bothered.

It might make a difference if I knew nothing about the other child or their family but that generally doesn't happen. Invitations don't tend to come out of the blue with small children.

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