Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To make her sleep in the spare room?

94 replies

BumblingBoris · 14/04/2015 20:44

DS,17 is pestering me to let his 15 year old girlfriend to stay over as she lives a 20 minute drive away. Im quite happy to drive her home and often do, but ive now said she can sleep in the spare room once a week (only spare if DD is away)
DS is saying im tight? AIBU?

OP posts:

BitchBags · 15/04/2015 00:22

I dont see the issue with it as long as they are sleeping in separate rooms until she is 16.
At the end of the day if they are going to have sex then not alot is going to stop them and they will probably be sleeping at night and sneaking off somewhere during the day! I think you just need to sit down with your Ds and explain to him what can happen if he does have sex before she's 16. And also let him know that the privilege will stop immediately if he was to betray your trust.
I think you sound like a lovely mum OP and you obviously care for your son. If you trust him then that's great

Qwebec · 15/04/2015 00:31

If she stays over I garantee you they will be having sex, no matter how hard they promise/try not to.

ReginaBlitz · 15/04/2015 00:55

Tell your son to get a girlfriend his own age that's just wrong

MillionToOneChances · 15/04/2015 01:21

He's 17, she's 15 - close enough Regina! I agree that they should ideally wait for her to turn 16 though, and OP should be aware that if the GF is sleeping over there'll be far more opportunities for hormones to take over.

Andylion · 15/04/2015 01:44

I would drive her home. Or is there any reason why her parents can't sometimes pick her up?

I was wondering this myself. OP, why does it fall to you to be the driver?
Your son may say they won't have sex, and they might not plan on it, but you never know. I wouldn't even allow the spare room, TBH.

rosy189 · 15/04/2015 07:17

I was a teenager not long ago so I know how hard it is to find time together, but I would know that this would be crossing a line.

Personally I would drive her home til she is 16 then think about her staying in the spare room.

My dh had to sleep in the spare room at my house when we were 22-23, at his house one of us was supposed to sleep in the floor of the bedroom but that never happened

Haggisfish · 15/04/2015 07:22

I stayed over with my boyfriend when I was 15 and we didn't have sex because we'd been educated about pg, disease and contraception. We did have a smog etc but I agree with other posters -if they are going to have sex, they will. If her parents are ok, I'd let her stay -I'd insist on spare room and have a big chat about contraception/ legalities. Etc.

Notso · 15/04/2015 07:56

I'd say no until the summer holidays. It's not that long for them to wait, and I think at that age they get too used to the seeing each other once a week. It can easily be the end of the world to them if she's not staying over every single weekend.

I'm really bad with stuff like this though. I was certainly having sex by then as well as a load of other stuff I shouldn't have been. It's difficult for me not to be suspicious. DD is almost 15 and thankfully there hasn't been too much for me to worry about yet.

Fairylea · 15/04/2015 08:05

I think the spare bedroom / sex thing is such a massive red herring to be honest. If they are going to have sex they will anyway..It makes absolutely zero difference whether she's in the spare room or not! Having said that I would say no just because I am a selfish moo bag who likes her own space and I wouldn't want it to turn into the sort of situation where I felt the girlfriend had virtually moved in with us, which is what I think it would lead to. So I would drive her home or ask her to get a taxi / minicab home (depending on where you live - in London etc totally possible and I used to do it as a teen all the time).

2rebecca · 15/04/2015 08:17

I would drive her home until 16 and not even sure I'd want her staying over after that. It's unnecessary when she is that near. Also if she gets pregnant and chooses to keep the baby he is stuck with csa payments for years as the relationship is unlikely to last. I haven't done anything to encourage my kids to have sex in my house. When they leave and go to uni its up to them

Ragwort · 15/04/2015 08:22

Agree with Fairylea - I don't want my home to become some sort of convenient 'hotel' for teenagers - I see many friends who are more or less pushed out of the comfort of their own home to allow their teenagers and their friends to take over - my DSIL 'allowed' her DS to let his girlfriend live with them for nearly two years ............ neither worked and they stayed in bed/played computer games all day whilst she went out to work it might sound nice and welcoming at first but you can easily get taken advantage of.

KoalaDownUnder · 15/04/2015 08:26

She's 15 - I wouldn't let her sleep over in the same house as her boyfriend, in the spare room or anywhere else.

Jackieharris · 15/04/2015 08:29

Lol my parents made exbf sleep in the spare room. He still sneaked into my room during the night!

Under 16 I wouldn't even leave them in a bedroom during the day without the door being open!

Please talk to them both about contraception (and what they'd do if it failed).

Notso · 15/04/2015 09:21

For me it's not so much that staying over = having sex. I totally agree it's far more likely to happen elsewhere if they are going to do it.
Staying over so regularly just seems to add something else to the relationship. On the odd occasion in the school holidays is fine but planning it every week seems too much too soon.

Preciousbane · 15/04/2015 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 15/04/2015 09:36

Agree that we wouldn't want our house turned into a teenage hostel every other weekend either, or to have to do a 40 min round trip. I'd probably encourage her to leave earlier and get a bus. Regular taxiing other kids' teenagers around isn't how we want to spend our precious weekend time.
At 17 has he not got big exams this year too?

Fromparistoberlin73 · 15/04/2015 09:39

gently remind him he is OVER and she is UNDER the age of consent

popalot · 15/04/2015 09:39

Not a good idea. Sleeping over means sneaking into eachother's beds and she is too young to consent legally. They need to wait.

NotYouNaanBread · 15/04/2015 10:02

Not in a million years. Drive her home. She is 15 and they WILL have sex.

Original poster

BumblingBoris · 15/04/2015 12:48

Thanks for all your replies. Its seems I ABU to let her stay. BUT I have said it now! No more than once a week, if I hear sneaking around she goes straight home (our room is between DS and the spare) and im a light sleeper! Hes had the contraceptive talk many a time.
Thanks bitchbags I appreciate your words

OP posts:

titchy · 15/04/2015 13:00

Perhaps you should have posted before you agreed....

Primaryteach - there is no such thing as statutory rape. You are confusing it with the age at which a person is able to consent. That age is 13. Not 16.

Number3cometome · 15/04/2015 13:05

They are teenagers, they will have sex whether she stays over or not.
Personally, if it were my son, I would prefer I knew where there were and what they were up to. I can't tell you the amount of friends I had at school who were having sex at 15 in all the worst places you could imagine.

Let her stay over under the strict guidance of no sex and a set bed time.

She is nearly 16 - he is 17, it's no big deal really.

I know if it were my son, I would trust him.

Number3cometome · 15/04/2015 13:06

FYI I think you sound like a very reasonable parent.

Those who say NO NO NO to their kids who try to talk to them and ask for permission will only serve to push their children away and do thinks anyway!

babygiraffe86 · 15/04/2015 13:11

I do think a lot of people here are under the assumption that every 17 year old who has sex will end up with a pregnancy.

YANBU if you allow her to stay and have rules, if they both respect you enough they will abide by those rules - and if your relationship with her is good enough she wont wan't to uspet you as her bf's mum.

I stayed at my BFs house at the same ages as said previously, didn't have sex (actually we didn't have sex at all until I was almost 17, sometimes that happens you know) I'm 28 now, no teenage or young pregnancies to talk of.
Also didn't end up almost moving in - no computer games etc, only you know if you agree with it for your child.

respect, trust and knowledge are whats required here.

binspin · 15/04/2015 13:12

She's the same age as my dd. My dd wouldn't be staying.

I used to stay at my bfs at that age. His mum used to make me a bed on the floor but I never slept in it.

Flip

1 2 3 4