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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make her sleep in the spare room?

94 replies

BumblingBoris · 14/04/2015 20:44

DS,17 is pestering me to let his 15 year old girlfriend to stay over as she lives a 20 minute drive away. Im quite happy to drive her home and often do, but ive now said she can sleep in the spare room once a week (only spare if DD is away)
DS is saying im tight? AIBU?

OP posts:

RowRowRowCrocodileScream · 14/04/2015 21:16

I would drive her home. Sensible or no, hormones can have a powerful effect on teenage common sense and even if she were in the spare room then there may be a strong temptation to sneak into the same room during the night.

BarbarianMum · 14/04/2015 21:17

I think June is not far away and until then I would say "no" to her staying over. Young people can be very sensible but that doesn't preclude wanting to have sex with someone you care about. Given that she is under age and he isn't, I think it would be wise to try and avoid them being in a position where temptation is greater.

Original poster

BumblingBoris · 14/04/2015 21:18

mitzi she is only allowed to see DS at weekends because of her exams. Her mum gave strict instructions to DS about that which he rightly excepted.

OP posts:

NataliaBaker · 14/04/2015 21:22

He says they're not going to have sex yet you are tight by putting her in the spare room? I wonder why he'd want her not in the spare room...

Ragwort · 14/04/2015 21:23

Drive her home. Do you really want them to spend all their time together when they are so young, what does your DS do? Is he a student?

No way would I want another teenager in the house one is bad enough.

Mitzi50 · 14/04/2015 21:24

One of my objections would be that when my DC have friends stay over (same or opposite sex), they stay up late and don't get much sleep which means that the next day will be a wash out revision wise I live in hope that my DS will actually do some revising. It also gives you an excuse (if you want one) to wait til she's 16.

BlinkAndMiss · 14/04/2015 21:25

Given that June is so close, I'd just wait until then. I don't think it matters how 'babied' she is or how sensible either of them are, if they decide they want to have sex then they will. Being in the same house overnight it basically giving them permission to do it. If she was 16 then I may look at this differently but you need to protect your son, he's the older one and it would be his 'fault' if anything were to happen.

I'd talk to your son and tell him she is welcome to stay in the spare room once she is 16.

Original poster

BumblingBoris · 14/04/2015 21:34

Whoever asked. DS has a job mon-Fri,
Ive chatted to him about enjoying himself while hes young and not getting too involved but DH and I met at 16 & are still together 30 years later!

OP posts:

TwoOddSocks · 14/04/2015 21:35

They're probably sleeping together regardless of how often she stays over and in whose bed. That said I probably wouldn't let her sleep in my DS's bed until she reached the age of consent. I wouldn't want to actively condone my DS having sex with an underage girl. I'd mainly be concerned with whether they were being very very careful with contraception.

Morelikeguidelines · 14/04/2015 21:40

I would drive her home. Or is there any reason why her parents can't sometimes pick her up?

The spare room idea would be OK but for the risk of them sneaking around at night. Is DS objecting to her staying in the spare room or just the fact that you are only offering once a week?

I would nto want to in any way facilitate the possibility of them having sex while she is underage.

muminhants · 14/04/2015 21:41

There was a case reported just this weekend about a 17 year old who'd slept with his girlfriend who was a few weeks off her 16th birthday. The judge was wondering why the CPS had brought a case involving consenting teenagers. The boy was given a conditional discharge and put on the sex offenders register for two weeks. The judge was annoyed. But had to act. I don't know if that will get wiped off that boy's record at 18. But if it doesn't he's got to explain that for the rest of his life.

With that in mind, take her home.

strawberry01 · 14/04/2015 21:43

Spare room or not that won't be stopping them having sex if that's what your worried about.

I can understand why he wouldn't like it if they are wanting to stay up late chatting, watching DVDs etc it could be annoying for her to have to go through there at "bedtime".

I would make up the spare room and encourage to use it. But not get too annoyed if you wake up and she isn't there. She is underage and emphasise this to your DS.

honeysucklejasmine · 14/04/2015 21:46

Was going to post what muminhants said. Just ask him to think about it and hopefully she'll remain in the spare room all night!

Original poster

BumblingBoris · 14/04/2015 21:54

Her parents drop her to ours and we drop her home, its just how things have panned out.
DS haa just come in and is 'happy' with once a week (DD depending) & has now thanked me!. He says gf parents are happy to let him stay at theirs but have no spare room so he would have to sleep on the sofa.

OP posts:

Primaryteach87 · 14/04/2015 22:06

If he had sex/sexual contact with her it would be statutory rape/sexual assualt. It doesn't matter if she fully consents. She in under the age where she is legally allowed to give consent. So anything other than INSISTING she sleeps in a different room would be at best negligent parenting. It seems very artificial but until she is 16 I would be really concerned for my DS, and be repeating to him what the law is an emvarassing amount,

GnomeDePlume · 14/04/2015 22:12

I dont think that you can give them the opportunity then just hope that they wont give in to temptation. Teenagers have poor impulse control. They make bad decisions. This is why they arent legally adults.

Have you talked to your DS about contraception? And I mean properly talked? I found my DCs were woefully under informed about the failure rates for different contraceptive methods.

Did you know that the failure rate for condoms is between 2 & 15%? This means that in a year out of 100 women using condoms as their method of contraception between 2 & 15 will get 100% pregnant.

They may see themselves as love's young dream but what happens if they split up? There could be some very nasty accusations bandied about.

MrsBigginsPieShop · 14/04/2015 22:13

Why so they need to spend this time together?! Sorry but when I had my first boyfriend there was the same age gap and no way on earth would I even have asked to stay over. I can't get my head around why you have even entertained the idea? And I'm only 30 by the way so it wasn't so long ago. Different strokes I guess but it seems to be a very risky decision. Will you be policing that they stay in separate rooms all night?

MrsBigginsPieShop · 14/04/2015 22:14

*do not so.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/04/2015 22:16

If they are keen to have sex they will find somewhere to do so. That doesn't mean it should be under your roof, of course, if you would rather they didn't. So, definitely have a chat with your DS about contraception and consent, if you haven't already.

At the same time, the reasons your DS has put forward for her staying over are not hugely unreasonable. Whether you want to let her do so remains up to you, but I would suggest thinking it over with regard to ou know about your DS and also what you know about the girl - are they generally sensible and trustworthy or not so much?

Wolfiefan · 14/04/2015 22:22

I'm sorry but I agree with everyone else who says drive her home.
She's underage.
They want to spend more time together? Tell him to get up early Saturday am and get a bus!!

MrsKoala · 14/04/2015 22:31

Your DS would think i'm very very tight then, because not only would i not let her stay but i wouldn't be driving her home either.

I certainly wouldn't be leaving the comfort of my house and not having a glass of wine of a Friday night so i could drive someone home. I would expect if someone came over they would get themselves home. When i was that age i had a curfew to be in by and i got myself home by then. I would tell DS all friends had to leave by 11pm and leave it at that.

Koalafications · 14/04/2015 22:41

Your DS would think my grandparents were extremely tight. When my dad had a girlfriend they were made to sleep in separate rooms and he was in his 30's (as was she!)

MrsBigginsPieShop · 14/04/2015 22:41

I'm actually quite sad OP thinks this is 'usual' or even ok to do. I haven't got the words to express why....

Momagain1 · 14/04/2015 22:59

Nope

UngratefulMoo · 14/04/2015 22:59

I used to stay at my BF's house when I was 16 (so legal, at least). We were in separate bedrooms. BF would sneak into my room, we'd have sex and then he'd get up and go straight back to his own room. Charming, right?

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