re travelling/visiting PiLs?

[Shamalamalam]

A few years ago we moved a couple of hundred miles away from where we grew up. My parents and PiLs (and some friends still live there), about 30 minutes drive from each other. PiLs are early 60s, fit, healthy, mobile and both drive

When we moved we knew that we would be the ones to do the bulk of the travelling, we chose to move away, so fair enough. Problem is, that MiL constantly complains that she doesn't see our children enough and makes huge demands about us visiting her.

We go back as often as we can, about once every couple of months and for big birthdays/Christmas, etc. We usually stay with my parents (PiL have a very lovely, but very tiny cottage that just isn't big enough for all of us) and depending on how long we're staying for, go and visit for a day at least once, but they'll never compromise, or make any effort to see us, and we never really feel very welcome when we're there.

For example, in Feb half term I took the kids to stay with my parents. We went on the train so I had no car. I tried to arrange to see them, but they live very rurally so needed them to meet us somewhere we could get to on the bus or pick us up, but they wouldn't do either, then made a huge fuss about not seeing the children

We went back over the long Easter weekend and arranged to see them one afternoon, only to get there and be told that we couldn't stay long as they were going to the pub, then more fuss about not seeing enough of us. Same thing happened at Christmas.

We next plan to go back in early June but it's not soon enough for MiL and she's making demands that we go back again before then.

Her attitude is very much, "I'm the mother, you visit me" which is really pissing me off, we visit her as often as we can, I send photos of our children, cards and chase DH to ring her (she refuses to ring us too and when DH does ring her she just gives him grief so he's none too keen on ringing her), but it just never seems to be enough

aibu to think she can visit us occasionally, or should we be making more effort?

What's the usual amount of visiting in this situation? Do people visit you or do you do all the visiting?

It sounds to me as if she's enjoying complaining but not really that bothered about seeing the kids - if she really cut a planned visit short to go to the pub and cba to meet you a few miles from her house (if you lived half an hour away and had no car thessituation would be the same).

We moved away and you visit a lot more than we do - though for us it's a flight or a 12 hour drive plus overnight ferry. I take the kids to my parents once a year, and they visit ustwice a year (tthey're retired and holiday a lot as well as their trips to see us which they fly for, stay in 5* hotels, and stay in a nearby town half an hour's drive away or sometimes a city an hour from us, sowhen they "visit" I still do one to two hours driving every day to take the kids to "visit" them where they've decided to stay).

Sounds like a very difficult situation. Think I would try and find a quiet moment and sit down with her alone (when you next visit) and have a polite but frank one-on-one discussion. Tell her that you are trying to do everything you can to accommodate her, giving concrete examples (ie we came at Easter but you couldn't stay, we came at half term but you couldn't meet us). Say explicitly that you are trying very hard and you are definitely not trying to keep the dc from her. Tell her how important their relationship is with their gps on the both sides of the family.

Reassure her that your parents only see more of them because their house is bigger (whether this is true or not!).

Try and keep it very polite and reasonable (at the outset anyway!) because she may not realise she is doing it ie she is expressing her wishes (to see her gc) but some problem (lack of confidence/anxiety or something similar) is stopping her from actually travelling - maybe?

One other thing - have you formally invited them to come and stay with you? They may assume they are not welcome unless you have done so.

Finally, if a friendly but frank discussion doesn't work, then your dh needs to get involved and lay it on the line a bit that she is being totally unreasonable. He shouldn't leave that job to you.

Good luck!

We moved "nearer" my in laws ... it wasn't why we moved (I've never lived near my parents and before we lived here lived 300 miles from my parents, though in the same country as them, and 800 miles from in laws but in a different country to them). Now we live about an hour's drive (50 km but no direct way to get there, it's all country roads) from my in laws we see them probably twice most school holidays but rarely in between - only for mil, fil or kid's birthday celebrations really.

Sounds like you make a lot of effort. I wouldn't make more (actually I'd make less) but yes, an occasional invitation for them to come to you would be kind.

You are allowed to move away, people do. The only thing that's not allowed is to move far away and then complain that people don't come to visit you often enough.

The bit that really struck me in your OP was that you accept the need to do most of the travelling as we moved away - why is this? My DS and family live the same distance from me, I'm - luckily - healthy and mobile (and most importantly, retired) and it's a lot easier for me to jump in the car and go to them than for them to pack up all the DGC's requirements and come to me at the end of a long working week...
Are your PIL retired? If so, they ABVVU - and even if they're still working, they could do some of the travelling, as I used to do when working f/t.
I love seeing them, and really enjoy building a relationship with the DGC - 2/3 hours driving isn't much to ask...

Thanks!

Yes, we have invited her here loads of times.

She complains that she doesn't get to share 'special' stuff, so when DD1 won a local competition and there was a big prize giving ceremony, we invited them for the weekend but they refused to come.

We've invited them for birthdays, Christmas, bank holidays, weekends, etc.

We really do try. We have a spare room, she's more than welcome to stay here

DH has tried speaking to her, but she's very, I don't know....matriarchal? Does that make sense? She is the mum, we have to visit/ring/etc her.

I am beginning to wonder if it's just all noise.

At Easter we had arranged quite some time in advance to see her, we didn't just spring it on her and expect her to rearrange her plans or anything so I was quite shocked to be told she was going to the pub.

It's like she's not really that bothered, but feels like she should be? Makes the right noises, but doesn't really want to follow through.

DH usually speaks to her, I generally smile and nod and grit my teeth, but I do get caught in the crossfire sometimes.

She is quite jealous of my family I think. We're very close, but on the whole DH's family isn't. It sometimes feels like she's not really bothered, but doesn't want my family to be either. She doesn't want it, but doesn't want other people to have it either? She did get upset with us staying with my mum once, so DH said, OK, we'll stay with you, but she didn't want that either.

I'm not sure if it's a confidence thing, they're more than happy to drive a couple of hours something they want to do, but when it comes to family we all have to go to her (she's the same with DH's sister and brother's families)

We can't win whatever we do, so sometimes I wonder why we bother trying to be honest

Sorry, x-post

I suppose I kind of feel that we're the ones that moved away, so if we want to see everyone we should make the bigger effort.

We see other family members and friends when we go back. My family and our friends also make the effort to visit us, but we do the majority of the too-ing and fro-ing

FiL is semi-retired (he does bits and bobs on a freelance basis) and MiL is retired, they don't really have any commitments at home or anything, both drive and are fit and healthy.

DH's (large) family had have an open invitation to come and stay. They all live between 250 and 300 miles away (DH moved after university). I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times they have in the past 10 years. They make so little effort that I'm now making none to go up there. Luckily they don't make massive demands (but will invite us to stuff a few days in advance that we then can't go to )

If they don't have mobility issues then it's more sensible for 2 adults to travel than a whole family.
I don't get the "you moved away" thing either. Adult children moving away from their parents is normal in my experience. I expect my kids to go where their jobs and future partners take them. I expect to travel to visit them.
I'd stop making as much effort. Visit as often as you want to visit with a clear mutually agreed itinerary of when you arrive and when you leave and invite them in between times. If they choose not to come they choose not to come. If she moans just repeat "you are welcome anytime" "let us know when you want to visit" "it's your turn to visit us" and ignore any tantrums.
Some people just enjoy moaning. If she really wanted to see more of you she'd visit and not make other plans when you do visit so that obviously isn't what she really wants. Maybe get your husband to liaise with his father who may be more sensible.

I really couldn't be bothered with this rubbish.

What she did at Easter regarding the pub is an absolute disgrace.

I would not pander to her anymore and when she demands to know why your dh needs to be upfront with her.

Actions speak louder than words. This means she talks a good visit and that's about it.

I think that in this situation you can't win. Just do what suits you, she'll complain regardless but you just need to tune it out.

Make less effort, seriously, and let the complaints go in one ear and out the other. Disrupting a long-standing arrangement to go to the pub is incredibly rude. Whatever this is about, it can't be about seeing the grandchildren.

Whether your DH actually raises it with his mother is for him to decide, but I'm not sure I'd bother to talk it out. I'd probably just say 'What do you suggest?' when she complains and then decide ad hoc whether or not a visit to her worked for you.

I haven't read the replies so far but in relation to this:
Her attitude is very much, "I'm the mother, you visit me"
have you ever turned that around as the mother to the children that she is complaining about never seeing?
Your DH needs to stop being the child in this relationship (the one between your MIL and himself is very much adult/child) and become an adult instead (so adult/adult relationship), if that makes any sense. He needs to tell his Mum that you've done all the travelling so far and its their turn to visit you.

Now back to reading the rest of the thread.

I would make less effort and I would suggest that DH explains to her why you can't be arsed to keep trying to please her.

I would send a hand written letter saying that you don't believe that she's genuinely interested evidenced by x,y &z so you are no longer to make the effort to go and see her. She is welcome any time at yours. And I'd sign it with both your names.

Thanks!

To be honest, if it was just DH and I, I'd have knocked this whole thing on the head a long time ago, but my children really do adore Granny and Grandad so I feel like we should make some effort.

I came away at Easter thinking sod them, as far as DH knew the arrangements were that we'd go over in the afternoon then stay for dinner. As it was we were there a couple of hours and ended up in McDonald's on the way back. I was a bit - it was quiz night and they always go (it's held weekly, so they're not missing out on a big night out).

My children would love them to visit us. DD1 is massively in to surfing, she'd love to show them when she can do, DD2 wants them to come and see her in a big show she's in soon, but they won't come (DH has invited them)

DH has tried to talk to her about it, but all he gets is "I'm the mother, you visit me"

I just don't understand her, I really don't think we'll win whatever we do, so I just don't want to bother trying.

Bollocks to her

That sounds unnecessarily inflammatory and will just up the emotionality of it. I'd go with visiting when you want encouraging her to visit and ignoring her fusses if she chooses not to visit. Let your husband deal with phone calls to her.
Step back from it all rather than making it worse.
People who make a fuss about how much they want something whilst doing nothing to get what they claim to want often have very little insight in to how dysfunctional their behaviour is and sending stroppy letters or argueing won't change them.
Stop expecting them to behave differently and just do what you want and emotionally disengage..

They are drama llamas. Ignore their bleating or calmly reply "you are welcome to come and visit us". "that was your choice, we offered x, y, z".

If you get any "I'm the mother" nonsense "yes, so start acting like a grown up".

Some people are never happier than when they're making themselves miserable so don't sweat it. Let them crack on if they so wish.

That was to wallypops' suggestion

"Well if you choose not to visit that is up to you. I'm sorry you will miss out."

Rinse and repeat.

She sounds like my DM - she is always talking about family holidays and wanting a Waltons-style closeness but never makes any effort herself. She's the mum, she's done her job raising us - its now up to us to be forever grateful, and she'll complain plenty if she doesn't get appropriate gifts/visits/attention but never make any effort to organise anything herself.
I don't think you can win at this...

OP, I think you've got a very good understanding of what is going on here. She doesn't really want to see you or your children or else she would be making the effort to do so. It sounds like its all about control and being an awkward bugger. We have the same thing with our parents - both of us live far away from our parents (DP is on other side of the country from his parents, I'm in a different country from my parents) and we have always been expected to be the ones who visit. Despite all of our parents now being retired, they practically never darken our doorway, but moan when we do visit that we're not staying long enough

I can't be bothered with it either. I'm not a child any more and neither are you. I understand you're in a more difficult position having children, which must add a whole extra layer of guilt. Lovely!

'I really don't think we'll win whatever we do, so I just don't want to bother trying'

I think you're spot on here. It sounds like this is a game you are just not designed to win. Make reasonable efforts, as you are doing, but do not bend over backwards for her. Its a shame because your children sound lovely, and she's missing out on what could be a great relationship. Totally her loss though.

'She's the mum, she's done her job raising us - its now up to us to be forever grateful, and she'll complain plenty if she doesn't get appropriate gifts/visits/attention but never make any effort to organise anything herself.'

This is my mother to a tee, and my MIL too. Its unbelievably wearing. I stopped playing a long time ago. Being a crap mother does not entitle you to be treated like the queen forever more - relationships are supposed to be a two way street.

She's the mum, she's done her job raising us - its now up to us to be forever grateful, and she'll complain plenty if she doesn't get appropriate gifts/visits/attention but never make any effort to organise anything herself

This is MiL to a tee

I sent both her and my mum flowers for Mother's Day once. She phoned to complain she didn't get a card as well.

Time to put on my big girls pants!

We're going back in June as it's my Grandmother's 100th (!) birthday. I don't know how many more times I'll get to see her (sounds morbid I know, but you know what I mean) and I'd rather spend the whole weekend with her, than pissing about with MiL. I'm going to put my foot down!

Sorry, keep crossing posts, but thanks all