re travelling/visiting PiLs?

[Shamalamalam]

A few years ago we moved a couple of hundred miles away from where we grew up. My parents and PiLs (and some friends still live there), about 30 minutes drive from each other. PiLs are early 60s, fit, healthy, mobile and both drive

When we moved we knew that we would be the ones to do the bulk of the travelling, we chose to move away, so fair enough. Problem is, that MiL constantly complains that she doesn't see our children enough and makes huge demands about us visiting her.

We go back as often as we can, about once every couple of months and for big birthdays/Christmas, etc. We usually stay with my parents (PiL have a very lovely, but very tiny cottage that just isn't big enough for all of us) and depending on how long we're staying for, go and visit for a day at least once, but they'll never compromise, or make any effort to see us, and we never really feel very welcome when we're there.

For example, in Feb half term I took the kids to stay with my parents. We went on the train so I had no car. I tried to arrange to see them, but they live very rurally so needed them to meet us somewhere we could get to on the bus or pick us up, but they wouldn't do either, then made a huge fuss about not seeing the children

We went back over the long Easter weekend and arranged to see them one afternoon, only to get there and be told that we couldn't stay long as they were going to the pub, then more fuss about not seeing enough of us. Same thing happened at Christmas.

We next plan to go back in early June but it's not soon enough for MiL and she's making demands that we go back again before then.

Her attitude is very much, "I'm the mother, you visit me" which is really pissing me off, we visit her as often as we can, I send photos of our children, cards and chase DH to ring her (she refuses to ring us too and when DH does ring her she just gives him grief so he's none too keen on ringing her), but it just never seems to be enough

aibu to think she can visit us occasionally, or should we be making more effort?

What's the usual amount of visiting in this situation? Do people visit you or do you do all the visiting?

Problem is, that MiL constantly complains that she doesn't see our children enough and makes huge demands about us visiting her.

Her attitude is very much, "I'm the mother, you visit me"

Own. Nose. Off. Face. Own. Spite. Cutting. Her. To. Her.

Rearrange the above to form a sentence that sums everything you need to know up.

The solution is simple and actually not your problem but her arrogance.

Musicaltheatremum has a good idea.

Although I think they should put MIL on the spot and ask in person. Have to say you may have to leave it a bit until they are old enough to say with your encouragement but not land you in it by saying mum says.

In fact now it has been suggested I might get my DD who is 20 now to ask my mother why she didn't bother!

The kids have actually asked her several times to her face without any encouragement from us

'Why don't you come and see us Granny?' 'Will you come to my show?' sort of thing.

She just sort of smiles, makes vague agreements - we'll see/maybe in the summer, but there's always some excuse when the time comes.

Oh well, it's her loss really.

*let the complaints go in one ear and out the other(

This.

Yes you moved away but you have a right to your own life.

Out of interest does MIL drive? If she doesn't she'll have no understanding of how tiring and tedious a long car journey can be. Some people love driving but many people do not. I am in the latter category. I really admire the people who would drive for 2 hours on Xmas morning to collect Great Aunt Maud for Xmas dinner and then drive back (in the dark) to take her home again.

As for the phoning thing - yes my dad is like this. He's 92 but he can use a telephone, he's not that decrepit and will phone other people if he has to. But he just won't. And MIL who is much fitter than my dad never phones us either unless something is really wrong. DH always has to do the calling. Thank goodness my mum will phone if she wants to speak to me - it's about half and half.

Yes, she does drive, but she mainly drives to Tesco, short journeys. FiL does the long driving.

FiL loves driving and loves cars and they think nothing of making long journeys if it's something they want.

For example, DH was on the phone to them about 6 months ago and they were just on their way out to drive to a particular coastal town for fish and chips. This particular coastal town is actually further away from them than we are.

There is therefore no sensible, logical reason why they don't drive to you other than not being arsed.

She actually sounds like the sort of person I could enjoy needling/goading. All her fuss, and then she values going to her weekly pub quiz over seeing her DGC that she's moaned so long for .

As for all her 'I'm the mother' shite - no, she's not. She's the grandmother. YOU are 'the mother'.

I'm impressed that you haven't told her to fuck off.

When you described your FIL with the chocolate stuffing, park visiting, football playing and tenner distributing, I thought that he sounded rather lovely! That plus the fact that he likes driving makes me wonder if he would come on his own? He could see all the lovely things your kids do, have a grand old time and return home to tell the stupid cow that she is missing out big time!! Maybe ask him specially on his own for Fathers Day maybe?

But seriously, I dont think you are going to change her and you have my sympathies - she sounds absolutely horrible.

I actually quite like FiL. DH struggles with him a bit, FiL was quite remote when he was growing up and still is now.

I can only take him as I find him, he's nice enough and loves the kids when he sees them, but wouldn't seek them out or instigate any visits, if he sees them great, if not that's great too. DH says that he's much better with his grandchildren than he was with him and his siblings growing up

I find MiL quite controlling. I don't know really, I don't want her to sound like a monster, she is OK when you're just chatting to her, and she is a loving grandmother when she's actually with the kids.

I don't want to blame her for everything and I'm trying to be fair, but she's always the one making a fuss, FiL seems to have opted out a bit if that makes sense, it's like she's the one in charge of everything and if she doesn't want to go somewhere/do something, they don't go. I don't think FiL would come here on his own, I don't think he can be arsed enough either really. He enjoys the children, but he can take them or leave them

She didn't want us to move away in the first place and made quite a lot of fuss. FiL was more 'you're grown ups, you make your own choices'.

I don't know, they're very different to my own family, so I've given up trying to understand any of them.