Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re travelling/visiting PiLs?

59 replies

Shamalamalam · 14/04/2015 13:41

A few years ago we moved a couple of hundred miles away from where we grew up. My parents and PiLs (and some friends still live there), about 30 minutes drive from each other. PiLs are early 60s, fit, healthy, mobile and both drive

When we moved we knew that we would be the ones to do the bulk of the travelling, we chose to move away, so fair enough. Problem is, that MiL constantly complains that she doesn't see our children enough and makes huge demands about us visiting her.

We go back as often as we can, about once every couple of months and for big birthdays/Christmas, etc. We usually stay with my parents (PiL have a very lovely, but very tiny cottage that just isn't big enough for all of us) and depending on how long we're staying for, go and visit for a day at least once, but they'll never compromise, or make any effort to see us, and we never really feel very welcome when we're there.

For example, in Feb half term I took the kids to stay with my parents. We went on the train so I had no car. I tried to arrange to see them, but they live very rurally so needed them to meet us somewhere we could get to on the bus or pick us up, but they wouldn't do either, then made a huge fuss about not seeing the children

We went back over the long Easter weekend and arranged to see them one afternoon, only to get there and be told that we couldn't stay long as they were going to the pub, then more fuss about not seeing enough of us. Same thing happened at Christmas.

We next plan to go back in early June but it's not soon enough for MiL and she's making demands that we go back again before then.

Her attitude is very much, "I'm the mother, you visit me" which is really pissing me off, we visit her as often as we can, I send photos of our children, cards and chase DH to ring her (she refuses to ring us too and when DH does ring her she just gives him grief so he's none too keen on ringing her), but it just never seems to be enough

aibu to think she can visit us occasionally, or should we be making more effort?

What's the usual amount of visiting in this situation? Do people visit you or do you do all the visiting?

OP posts:
Merse · 14/04/2015 15:08

It sounds to me as if you are being really accommodating already. As someone said upthread, you are ALLOWED to move away (as long as you don't moan about people not visiting you enough). They are hale and hearty and, frankly, it would probably be easier for them to come to you than for you to drag kids etc to them - especially if house is small. If you have offered regularly and they don't take up the offer then tough! And you already make the effort loads IMO - far more than I see my parents. And as for demanding to be part of 'special occasions', it sounds to me as if they need reminding who the parents are. I am all for grandparents and the GC/GP relationship can be magical, but they are YOUR children and she is no longer the matriarch of your family unit. It sounds to me as if your DH needs to read his mother the riot act and make it clear that the nucleus of your family is no longer her - but you. Good luck!!

Lottapianos · 14/04/2015 15:19

'I sent both her and my mum flowers for Mother's Day once. She phoned to complain she didn't get a card as well'

Jesus. She's got such a nerve. She doesn't deserve anything from you OP. Definitely spend all of that weekend with your grandmother - how fantastic to make it to 100!

2rebecca · 14/04/2015 15:19

Agree, she maybe needs reminding that actually you are a mother as well as her, not that I understand what the relevance of being "the mother" is, but maybe it's crap your MIL got from her mother or MIL when she had a young family.
I'd put a stop to it and make clear that only housebound invalids aren't expected to do their share of travelling. Not that travelling is the issue here as you travelled to visit them (FIL is getting off scot free here, he could have chosen to see his grand kids and not go to the pub too) and they still couldn't be bothered.

SuperMumTum · 14/04/2015 15:55

Thats sad for your DC and for you that you try really hard just to get a kick in the teeth. Maybe its time to put some thought into managing your children's expectations of their grandparents so that they (and you) don't keep getting let down. Enjoy your grandmother's party.

Original poster
Shamalamalam · 14/04/2015 15:59

Thanks!

Sorry, I know I've singled MiL out a bit here, when FiL should/could have said no to the pub and could make more effort all round. I didn't mean to let him off completely scot free.

He's quite reserved and remote and will take it or leave it if that makes sense. He enjoys the kids when he sees them, stuffs them full of chocolate, takes them to the park and plays football, and sticks a tenner in their pocket and then sends them off until the next time. He's easy to get along with

It's MiL who makes the song and dance which is what I find difficult. It's confusing. If they don't want to see us then fine, whatever, quite hurtful but at least we all know where we stand, it's the fuss and noise and grandmother of the year stuff on one hand, and refusal to make any effort or be accommodating on the other.

I find DH's whole family...I don't know...different. My family is very close, we'd do anything for each other. We're very 'mess with me, mess with the family' and if something happened, I know my Mum and Dad would be here in a flash, whereas the PiLs are 'more not my problem'

OP posts:
Jengnr · 14/04/2015 16:40

I wouldn't bother anymore. If you're down there anyway I'd visit but I wouldn't be making any special trips and nor would I bother with phone calls, let your husband do that.

Email pics, invite them to stuff and let them decide what to do. If they choose not to it isn't your problem.

Rainbunny · 14/04/2015 21:23

Honestly I think your DH should just call her on her ridiculous behaviour. He should just tell her that she's cutting her nose off to spite her own face. I can a little evil sometimes so I would add that it's a good thing the dc's other grandparents are happy to come visit... ;)

CrapBag · 14/04/2015 21:54

Sounds like she wants everyone dancing to her tune and takes some sort of morbid joy in turning you down. I bet she gets off on having you all chase around for her, just for her to then say a basic 'sod you I have better things to do'.

There would be zero effort from me. Her DGC clearly don't feature high on her priority list no matter what she says. She'd come and actually visit them if they were.

ChillySundays · 14/04/2015 22:42

My parents live half the distance (moved here before the DC) that your in-laws do and and they rarely came to visit (and never now) but still moaned about not seeing my DC enough.

You haven't mentioned (or I can't see) how old your DC are but the older mine got the harder it was for us to go there as they had various sports to attend that took most of the weekend between the two of them.

Not seen then since Christmas

Original poster
Shamalamalam · 15/04/2015 08:40

Thanks all!

My kids are 14 and nearly 11 and yes, it is harder for weekends away now, especially now we're heading into summer. Both kids have activities at weekends, they want to hang out with their friends at the beach and just do stuff. Not trek up and down a motorway for hours.

DH actually spoke to her last night, didn't go well. She kept emailing him yesterday as she wants us to go up for the early bank holiday weekend in May so he called her

A) my parents are away, they'd be happy for us to stay there anyway, but I don't really want to
B) DH is a football coach for a local youth team and has a tournament on the Saturday
C) DD2 is away for scout camp for the whole weekend.

And it's a bank holiday, I don't want to spend it trekking up and down the motorway, we live in a touristy/holiday area, there's loads of stuff on locally, we just want to relax, and we're up a couple of weeks later anyway for my grandmother's birthday

She just won't have it though. She just keeps on and on and on. DH has made it crystal clear that we're not going. She's like a child, she doesn't give up until she gets the answer she wants. He ended up cutting her off in the end, it was just ridiculous.

She doesn't think she did anything wrong at Easter - she's the mother, blah, blah, bloody blah.

Aaarrrggghhhh! Hmm

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 15/04/2015 08:51

'He ended up cutting her off in the end, it was just ridiculous'

This is not a person you can reason with, so this may be the best approach. You and DH are adults - no-one gets to dictate to you how you spend your time. And how on earth does she think that hassling you constantly will make you more likely to want to visit?!!!

She's not going to change OP. Ever. Suit yourselves. Sounds like you have some lovely plans at home for the bank holiday weekend so do that. She doesn't deserve your visit and doesn't seem to actually want to see any of you anyway. Like you say, you just can't win, so don't play the game

Loads of sympathy though - its bloody exhausting!

TheEmpressofBlandings · 15/04/2015 09:08

My PILs (well my FIL) are quite similar, but we live fairly close to them. Loads of noise about how the gcs are his whole world, he loves them more than anything. Yet any request for babysitting is met with huffs and moans and usually turned down. We've given up, largely. They've been invited to lots of things and rarely bother. Even when we do see them, it's my MIL who actually talks and plays with the children, FIL ignores as much as possible.
I put it down to him being an arse.

ChillySundays · 15/04/2015 09:31

Not sure you can do anything other than say sorry but we are busy with DC activities. I doubt she will ever accept it.

My mum blames me (not to my face) for her not seeing the DGC enough as they were growing. WTF?!! Nothing stopping them getting in a car.

There was about 2 years (tops) when they visited a few times but them huffed and puffed (again behind my back) that the timing of lunches weren't to their liking as we had to work round matches.

It is harder for them now but I am now so resentful of the years that they didn't bother that I can't be bothered. Although we are still having to work round matches etc so not free all the time.

2rebecca · 15/04/2015 09:44

Sounds like your husband has the right attitude in cutting the conversation short. If she's going to repeat herself you do to "I'm the mother" "So? We are a group of people with stuff planned there are only 2 of you and you have nothing planned"
"I want you to visit" "no if you want to see us you are welcome here" "I'm the mother" "So?" etc but probably best to just cut the conversations short and not engage with her.

Original poster
Shamalamalam · 15/04/2015 09:45

I just can't get over the unreasonableness of the woman, even after all this time she astounds me.

In my family I'll ring Mum/she rings me, we ask if we can stay on X date, yes/no, sorted.

DH said about a million times "we're busy that weekend, but we'll see you in June" but she just kept on. In the end he just said this is getting us nowhere, we're next up in June, I'll call you nearer the time to sort out coming to see you, and then hung up.

He's got far more patience than me, I'd have hung up far earlier.

I get the feeling she does blame me for moving away. Nothing concrete but there have been a few digs over the years. We moved here for DH's job!

It's just so bloody frustrating!

OP posts:
Joyfulldeathsquad · 15/04/2015 09:46

You know YANBU so stop worrying about it.

It's not down to you to facilitate mil and her sons relasionship. Do whT you can and nothing more because it will never be enough anyway.

2rebecca · 15/04/2015 09:46

Most children move away though? I'm amazed if anyone with a well paying job still lives near their parents.

Original poster
Shamalamalam · 15/04/2015 09:55

One of his sisters and his brother are still in the same town, the other sister is about 30 minutes away. She's exactly the same with them though, never visits them, demands they troop round there all the time.

They all go along with it though, but it's a million times easier for them, they can pop round whenever.

Hopefully she's now sulking so we won't hear anymore for a while

OP posts:
DisappointedOne · 15/04/2015 11:51

DH's 3 brothers all still live within 30 miles of their parents. 2 of the 3 have well paying careers and working partners.

DH has actually said during arguments that it's my fault he lives so far from his parents. Then I point out that he moved away for uni at 18 and then down here, where he didn't meet me for a number of years!

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 15/04/2015 11:57

i had an uncle like this his opening gambit was "it's been ages since you last came"., our bored response "i know you never come to us".

Lottapianos · 15/04/2015 12:28

'Loads of noise about how the gcs are his whole world, he loves them more than anything.'

Yes its all very easy to say, isn't it? Sounds great, ticks all the right boxes. Actually making time for people and making an effort to see them is a bit more of a challenge though eh?

When you're a reasonable sort of person yourself, it is shocking to come across someone like your MIL OP. You can't quite believe the brass neck involved. She sounds like a professional martyr - never 'happier' than when she's feeling put upon and left out and neglected. Very tiresome.

Andanotherthing123 · 15/04/2015 13:02

Yanbu (and usually on mil threads I consider most op's to be in the wrongGrin).

Next time she says 'We don't see the dgc enough' smile and say 'yes, it's such a shame you went to the pub/couldn't drive 30 mins to my parents house/have never visited us'.

Turn it back on her every time. She is a guilt-tripping, game playing granny who won't change.

Original poster
Shamalamalam · 15/04/2015 14:16

and usually on mil threads I consider most op's to be in the wrong

See, that's what worries me. I dead threads on here sometimes and I'm a bit Hmm I don't want to be that DiL. I really don't.

I had amazing relationships with both sets of grandparents growing up and have some brilliant memories of holidays, my grandad wheeling me around his allotment in a wheelbarrow, stuff like that.

I want that for my children, I'm happy to accommodate their relationships, I have no wish to shut the PiLs out of our lives.

When they do see my children they are actually loving grandparents. It's just all the drama that does my head in. She is such hard work. DH and I are quite laid back and just want to go with the flow without all this carry on all the bloody time.

OP posts:
Musicaltheatremum · 15/04/2015 14:23

Could your children write and ask blackmail her into coming up. "Oh Granny, we'd love to show you what we can do, please come and stay"

Lottapianos · 15/04/2015 14:44

'I don't want to be that DiL. I really don't'

And you're not. Seriously OP, ask yourself - what more can you do about this? You have made lots of reasonable plans to see her and she's thrown them in your face.