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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DH being stupidly overprotective?

66 replies

Kizzmitt · 14/04/2015 12:03

I have sold a few large items on gumtree and ebay lately. We've had a few odd people come to the house to collect things.

I've just sold a bed frame which is getting collected this eve. DH requested I arrange for the guy to collect while he's home. I arranged a little earlier.

When I told DH he said he wished I'd done as he'd asked. I said he was being ridiculous and patrionsing. He said I'd shown a complete lack of respect for ignoring his request.

Who's BU?

OP posts:

loveareadingthanks · 14/04/2015 12:05

He is.

Your safety is your decision, he's not your Dad

Equally you could say to him that he's shown a lack of respect for ignoring your decision to deal with this on your own?

Sparklingbrook · 14/04/2015 12:05

If i have anyone unknown coming to the house I try and time it so someone else is here with me, or ask my Mum or Dad to come round.
There's some weird people around, and they know where you live IYKWIM.

Smoorikins · 14/04/2015 12:10

I think your DH is being really sweet, he just wants to make sure that you are ok. Ok, it might be a little over-protective, but it's certainly not ridiculous or patronising. Especially when you admit yourself you've had odd people coming to the house to collect things.

katiegeee · 14/04/2015 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 14/04/2015 12:13

So you've had a few odd people coming to collect things. Now in the light of that your husband suggested he should be there next time, as statistically it's likely the next one will be odd, too. You resist this and deliberately arrange it when he's not there.

That sounds rather stupid and immature to me. Why would you do that?

TeenAndTween · 14/04/2015 12:14

Put bedframe ready in garage so person doesn't need to come into house.

WorraLiberty · 14/04/2015 12:14

I don't think he's being ridiculous or patronising in wanting to be home, due to the amount of weirdos around.

I don't think you showed a lack of respect by ignoring his request.

It's your decision in the end.

museumum · 14/04/2015 12:14

I think it's entirely up to you if you feel safe or not. Not your dh.

My dh wouldn't dream of controlling any of the decisions I make about my safety on a daily basis - where I run, where I walk, what transport I take, and yes, who comes to the house.

It's fine for him to point out that somebody coming to the house could be a safety concern, but whether you choose to wait till he's home or not is entirely your decision imo.

SeaGrass · 14/04/2015 12:14

Patronising and insanely over-protective. You aren't obliged to 'respect' his desire to be present at an encounter you've clearly had without risk on several recent occasions.

Take the obvious precautions with a stranger in the house, and of course trust your instincts.

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 14/04/2015 12:15

Wanting to consider personal safety issues is fine, but saying you're not showing 'respect' for his decision makes him come across as patronising.

If you feel safe then that's all he needs to know and accept.

WorraLiberty · 14/04/2015 12:15

TeenAndTween, do you know the OP has a garage?

Sparklingbrook · 14/04/2015 12:16

Just because the encounters have been without risk thus far doesn't mean the next one won't be the dodgy one.

Squitten · 14/04/2015 12:17

I think he was probably being sensible if you have already had odd people around. You can't be too careful when inviting utter strangers to your home IMO!

squoosh · 14/04/2015 12:18

You're an adult who can make your own decisions as to your safety.

If his words really were 'I wish you'd done as I asked' you were right to tell him he sounded patronising.

TeenAndTween · 14/04/2015 12:19

Worra - of course I don't - I'm not psychic! But many people do.
It was just a suggestion that might make both of them happy.

WorraLiberty · 14/04/2015 12:21

Sorry Teen, it was a genuine question but it did sound a bit arsey.

Sootgremlin · 14/04/2015 12:22

We were looking to collect something on Gumtree, my DH was going off to look at it on his own, taking the specific amount of cash requested with him. I suggested he take a friend. He agreed. No one was being patronising or patronised, just taking an interest in his safety as it is important to me.

MrsDeVere · 14/04/2015 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SylvaniansAtEase · 14/04/2015 12:29

I don't necessarily think he's being patronising or overprotective. There's a good reason for him to have asked this; lots of people would agree, lots wouldn't. It's certainly not unreasonable for him to think that way.

HOWEVER. The crux of it is - this is about YOU. Your safety. So - your decision. If you decide that you do not wish to be 'protected' or 'supported' etc. in this way - that's up to you. He can ask that he's there because it makes him feel better. But that's all. If you choose to say 'Thanks for your suggestion re my personal safety, but no thanks' - that's the end of it, and it's absolutely fair enough for you to say that.

Any further comment from him is unreasonable, and damn yes patronising and unacceptable. He's essentially saying 'I think that decisions on your personal safety should be mine, not yours'. And they should not, even if a lot of people would agree with them, because you have autonomy. Respect his wishes? - err why, when they conflict with yours on a matter concerning YOU?

His response to what is YOUR decision is VU.

NataliaBaker · 14/04/2015 12:29

He's being sensible. He is not the ridiculous one.

shewept · 14/04/2015 12:30

You have had odd people turning up. He is worried. He will be worried another stranger is turning up at the house. He wishes you respected his wishes (while badly worded) means he will now be worried about this person coming round.

Quite honestly I agree with him. But its up to you what you do. But since dh is your husband, you being hurt is going to impact in him, so he also is right to be concerned.

squoosh · 14/04/2015 12:30

You think the OP is being ridiculous? That's a bit OTT.

SeaGrass · 14/04/2015 12:31

The OP is an adult. As such, she gets to make decisions about her personal safety.

AliceLidlsWhiteChocolateRabbit · 14/04/2015 12:33

I don't think he's being unreasonable to want to be with you, if you have had odd people at the house collecting other things. He's trying to consider your safety.

But he is being unreasonable to say you've shown him a lack of respect.

You do respect how he feels and why, but you've made your own judgement call. Which is a perfectly fair and reasonable thing for you to do.

schoolclosed · 14/04/2015 12:34

When I do this stuff I arrange a check-in, usually with DH. I tell him what I'm doing and to expect a text when the transaction's successfully completed. We never needed to do anything more complicated because everything has always gone to plan. He does the same thing, actually. I agree with MrsDeVere that it's patronising and annoying, but I would swallow my annoyance and put a plan in place for reassurance. Still, if you have loads of neighbours, I wouldn't really think it totally necessary...

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