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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I Deluded?

62 replies

ShesAStar · 13/04/2015 12:53

For as long as I can remember I have been planning to run a leisure and tourism type business. I had planned to move to a coastal area and start up my business as soon as I had the finances in place. DH and I had been planning this venture together for about 6 or 7 years.

During this 6 or 7 years we have had two children and I have become a SAHP whilst DH has been running his own business. His business has always meant a lot to him and it has been building up for about ten years - it is now starting to make good profit and it has expanded a lot in the last two years, DH has put huge effort and time into it.

About two years ago I got an inheritance that I wasn't expecting - enough to start the business I had always wanted and had planned with DH. DH seemed less enthusiastic. I found the perfect site with accommodation for our family, DH went very quiet and when I said I wanted to buy it and move to the location he made it very, very clear he didn't want to go. He doesn't want to leave his business, he seemed quite horrified that we suddenly were able to fulfil our ambition.

We had a massive row and didn't speak much for a few days, when we eventually got talking again he explained he did want set up the new business but not for a few years as his business was just becoming successful. I thought this was fair enough but was disappointed. We put the inheritance towards a house where he can get to work more easily.

A few weekends ago we went out for a meal, we got a bit tipsy on wine and I asked him when we might be able to start the new business - we would need to move to a coastal area and it would be a complete lifestyle change so I cannot do it without his agreement - he told me that he never really wanted to do the venture and thought it was just a dreamy idea that was nice to fantasise about from time to time.

I am left feeling somewhat shocked, very bitter and resentful. I feel cheated and I am so angry that he allowed me to believe he was serious when he knew all along he had no intentions setting up a different business. He now says we can retire down to the coast - I have no interest in retiring to the coast - I wanted to run a business. He is bending over backwards to placate me and I just keep feeling more and more enraged.

I feel there is no point in fighting him over it - you cant force someone to live a life they don't want but I cannot stop feeling angry.

AIBU - do I need to just drop it? I think the idea had a good chance of being successful - but am I just deluded?

OP posts:

MildDrPepperAddiction · 13/04/2015 12:56

You are perfectly entitled to feel angry. He misled you. I think you need to really think about what you both want. Can his business relocate?

Original poster

ShesAStar · 13/04/2015 12:59

Unfortunately it can't - he needs to be near London where most of his work is based. I really want the life I had been planning - he really doesn't.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 13/04/2015 13:02

Would your business not work somewhere like Southend?

gamerchick · 13/04/2015 13:04

Then from what I see you have a clear choice.

Sell the house to release the money or him buy you out (dont know the score with houses though)and do it alone either in a LD marriage or split up or give up on what you've planned.

Binkybix · 13/04/2015 13:06

Really tricky. I don't know what the answer is but isn't he forcing you to live the life you don't want now?

Vivacia · 13/04/2015 13:08

We put the inheritance towards a house where he can get to work more easily.

Why?!

Original poster

ShesAStar · 13/04/2015 13:12

I looked into Southend but I don't think it will work - I need fairly cheap land.

The choices are clear you are right - just not easy to make. I don't feel I can split the family up, the children adore their Dad - and although I am mighty angry I still love him very much.

Yes, he is forcing me to live a life I don't particularly want. Certainly not the one I envisioned.

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 13/04/2015 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ShesAStar · 13/04/2015 13:13

Vivacia because I thought we'd be selling it in a few years and we needed a bigger house.

OP posts:

WickedWax · 13/04/2015 13:14

when you say you and DH had been 'planning this venture' for years, are you talking business plans, spreadsheets, meeting with a financial advisor, market research, etc, or are you talking "ooh wouldn't be nice to do this some time"?

if it's the former then YANBU to feel miffed that your DH has misled you and you now have some decisions to ponder.

if the latter then YABU to imagine your DH would give up an established 10 year business to indulge you on a whim.

TheListingAttic · 13/04/2015 13:14

I can see why you're disappointed. I suppose it all depends on whether the business you had planned is something you desperately want to do in itself, or whether it was a good way to earn a living. I can't imaging wanting to run a particular type of business so much that I'd want to jack in a perfectly comfortable life that was being adequately supported by something else in order to do it. That's just me - I've never had that type of 'dream' myself, work has always been a means to an end. So I guess it depends on whether the means matters as much or even more than the end.

Original poster

ShesAStar · 13/04/2015 13:16

Euphemia I'm not sure! I think he thinks that because he is earning well it makes up for me not having the life I wanted. He is constantly telling me I can do whatever I like - although obviously not if it disturbs his career.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 13/04/2015 13:19

In this situation I'd just carry on planning and preparing.

Not sure about how you can free the equity though, not now it's tied up in your family house... I guess your plans are no worse off than before you got the inheritance though.

Original poster

ShesAStar · 13/04/2015 13:20

WickedWax I have business plans, spreadsheets, market research but have not met with a financial advisor. It was more than a whim or a dream.

TheListingAttic It wouldn't have earned as much as DH's business - very unlikely. He is more materialistic than me. He wants fast cars, luxury hotels and a massive house. These things are not important to me. I want a good business that I enjoy running.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShesAStar · 13/04/2015 13:22

Vivacia that's true! I cannot put the idea to bed, it's all I have every really wanted to do.

OP posts:

NeedABumChange · 13/04/2015 13:26

That's so cruel! He's strung you along so he can get on with his dream making you give up the opportunity to fulfil your own. That's really sad. I don't understand how anyone can do that to someone they love.

TheListingAttic · 13/04/2015 13:26

If part of the purpose of your business is the lifestyle and enjoyment of running it, rather than just the income it would generate, then I can see why you're torn. Not sure what you do about it... Does that lifestyle mean more to you than what you currently have, which sounds like a comfortable-ish life, but perhaps not exactly the one you imagined? It really depends on whether what you have is "okay, if not what I pictured" or "not making me happy"...

TheChandler · 13/04/2015 13:26

I think you are deluded. Utterly. Why on earth would you risk damaging or giving up a successful business (run by your DH) that presumably supports both of you and is in its prime, after taking years to build up, to run what sounds like a b&b or caravan park?

You haven't even met with a financial advisor or taken proper business advice, despite having years to do it in. If you are that set on it, do all that, set up your business (re-mortgaging your home to finance it is common), and simply don't live on site. Employ someone if necessary, or travel - all very doable, then if it is a success, look into giving up the other business or moving because of yours. Make it happen for yourself.

You sound totally unrealistic and completely sheltered from financial reality. I'm not sure! I think he thinks that because he is earning well it makes up for me not having the life I wanted. He is constantly telling me I can do whatever I like - although obviously not if it disturbs his career Most people don't "have the life they wanted", mainly due to jobs, childcare responsibilities, etc. I'm sure there are other things you can do in your life.

monkeysaymoo · 13/04/2015 13:26

Maybe you need to tell him that you don't see a long term future where you remain as you are in order to facilitate all his dreams and ambitions at the expense of your own.

LineRunner · 13/04/2015 13:27

If the cost of land dictates the viability of the proposed new business, how far away from London / SE are we talking?

BestZebbie · 13/04/2015 13:29

Regardless of what you end up doing, have you considered having some couples counselling to work through your feelings of betrayal/being lied to and his feelings about how he sees the future/your role/his role?

tumbletumble · 13/04/2015 13:33

I can see this from both points of view. He shouldn't have lied to you, but maybe he really did think that a yours was just a fantasy - to you as well as to him. I think lots of couples talk about when we move to rural France and run a B&B or when we emigrate to Australia and live near the beach - that kind of thing.

So I think you need to try and stop being angry and resentful about the past, and consider what you really want given this new information. Maybe counselling or a couple of sessions with a life coach might help you?

Original poster

ShesAStar · 13/04/2015 13:37

TheChandler I would risk giving up a successful business for a better lifestyle - not just for me but for DH and DC. It's not a B&B or Caravan park - although it is to attract tourist trade. I am not sheltered from financial reality, I do a lot of paperwork for DH's business and arrange all of our finances and pay all of our employees etc. If people don't have the life they want there is nothing wrong with trying to change their situation.

Monkeysaymoo I think the reason I feel so angry with him is for exactly that reason. I have said as much.

OP posts:

worridmum · 13/04/2015 13:41

A lot of land by the sea most likely does mean caravan park or holiday lets (as other cheap large amounts of land dont need to be by the sea)

You do know that alot of caravan parks are actully failing right now? and being gobbled up by large companies (hence why there are not masses closing all over the place).

Truth be told I think you are kind of deluded risking giving up a stable company/ buiness for a very risky venture that possible might not succeed and then if it does fail and you made your DH pack in his company you will be up the creek without a paddle....

Please dont rush into this "dream" at the risk of ruining everything else because having no money after being comfortably well off is not fun at all (I have friends that have experenced something similear expert husband agreed to try it but it failed spacticually and now they will never own a house again as they owe enoumous sums of money.....

So they went from being confortably well off with large own home and holidays abroad to renting a small dingy flat in a horrid area (there words) and no holidays other then maybe a camping trip this was a static caravan park that the bank reporssed and sold dirt cheap to another company which only paid off a fraction of what it cost them hence their predicament

FlabbyMummy · 13/04/2015 13:41

Get a financial Advisor to look into this?

Depending on childrens ages could you do this without relocating completely? i.e. Have a local based business partner on the Coast, find a business premise with a flat/room for you to stay in. Then head down for a few days at a time each week. DH can pick up childcare for those days, maybe locate children to coast for Summer/School holidays. (3 month rental property). DH can jump on train from London. Workable for Dorset?

I would seriously look at professional advise before doing anything at this stage or falling out with your DH anymore. When choosing a location you have to ask why someone hasn't done this business there before.

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