Am I Deluded?

[ShesAStar]

For as long as I can remember I have been planning to run a leisure and tourism type business. I had planned to move to a coastal area and start up my business as soon as I had the finances in place. DH and I had been planning this venture together for about 6 or 7 years.

During this 6 or 7 years we have had two children and I have become a SAHP whilst DH has been running his own business. His business has always meant a lot to him and it has been building up for about ten years - it is now starting to make good profit and it has expanded a lot in the last two years, DH has put huge effort and time into it.

About two years ago I got an inheritance that I wasn't expecting - enough to start the business I had always wanted and had planned with DH. DH seemed less enthusiastic. I found the perfect site with accommodation for our family, DH went very quiet and when I said I wanted to buy it and move to the location he made it very, very clear he didn't want to go. He doesn't want to leave his business, he seemed quite horrified that we suddenly were able to fulfil our ambition.

We had a massive row and didn't speak much for a few days, when we eventually got talking again he explained he did want set up the new business but not for a few years as his business was just becoming successful. I thought this was fair enough but was disappointed. We put the inheritance towards a house where he can get to work more easily.

A few weekends ago we went out for a meal, we got a bit tipsy on wine and I asked him when we might be able to start the new business - we would need to move to a coastal area and it would be a complete lifestyle change so I cannot do it without his agreement - he told me that he never really wanted to do the venture and thought it was just a dreamy idea that was nice to fantasise about from time to time.

I am left feeling somewhat shocked, very bitter and resentful. I feel cheated and I am so angry that he allowed me to believe he was serious when he knew all along he had no intentions setting up a different business. He now says we can retire down to the coast - I have no interest in retiring to the coast - I wanted to run a business. He is bending over backwards to placate me and I just keep feeling more and more enraged.

I feel there is no point in fighting him over it - you cant force someone to live a life they don't want but I cannot stop feeling angry.

AIBU - do I need to just drop it? I think the idea had a good chance of being successful - but am I just deluded?

I live and work in a coastal ruralish very beautiful place OP. I can tell you the most popular things here etc if you wish?

Things to consider though; it is obviously incredibly seasonal, if you have a bad summer you are fucked.
Your main punters are 50+
People dont tend to spend much, attractions need to be under £8.00 prr adult.
If you're goong into food you need to be prepared to sell tea and scones by the bucketload.

Op you say that you and your oh have discussed this plan for over six years. What was the plan regarding his business once you start yours? Since the location of his existing business and your planned business are mutualy exclusive you two must have discussed it

I think the issue is just that you understood different things by your conversation.

For you, it was a serious conversation; for him it was a "if we won the lottery conversation".
I've done a pretty good business plan for dh during one of those conversations. However I know that it wouldn't work very well in practice, and never had any thinking dh would have expectations that I'd try it.
But I'll bet there was no point you said "I really intend to try this in X number of years" any more than he said "lovely dreams but we'll never do it". So you're as miscommunicating it as him.

I think asking him to give up his company he's worked at for 10 years would be unfair and probably crazy. I can't remember the statistics but it's a ridiculous percentage of new businesses go bust within the first 18 months, and a very high number of successful ones don't make anything for 5 years. He's probably just got to the point of feeling his business is reasonably secure and can relax slightly in it.

And don't sell/invest your house in it. Just go through a few dragons' den episodes and look at the faces of the dragons when people say they've done that.

I have sent you a pm op

I can see why you feel you were misled, and are angry about it, but I can also see your husband's point of view.

Ten years is a large chunk of anyone's life to spend painstakingly building up a business, which you say yourself is now starting to make good money, only to be asked to give it up for something which is still just an idea on paper. I would be very reluctant to do it if I were in his position, as I am very much of the "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" person. His (and presumably your) hard work is paying off, and is comfortably supporting the family. He probably also enjoys being his own boss in many ways too. That would also make it hard.

I tend to agree with those who have suggested that your husband probably didn't see your "plan" as particularly realistic or likely to happen. If I read your post correctly, you couldn't really finance it until the unexpected inheritance windfall, which you invested in a larger family home instead of keeping it aside and more accessible as cash. Most people view property investments (including their own home) as long term, not something to sell on in a short space of time, so I guess he may come into that category?? He probably didn't want to pour cold water on your ideas, and enjoyed your enthusiasm at the time.

A good, independent financial adviser would be worth their weight in gold to you. Go to one to check out your options financially and to work out whether or not your plan really is worth the risk to your family finances and your stable home.

Believe me, you REALLY don't want to end up a few years down the line with a failed business and no money. I have never run a business, but I have had many years of being skint and with three kids to feed and clothe. Things are much better now, but believe me it was absolute hell at the time.

This is a difficult one. As I agree with both of you.

You have a dream that, to you, was a plan and I would feel the same as you.

However I also know that time and marriage and jobs change things. Life gets in the way and when you can afford it, its not really a good option anymore...for both people.

Personally I think a successful business is too much to give up based on a what if? I wouldn't be willing to gamble it.

Think of it this way, what if you love everyone and dh gives up his business and your business fails, through no ones fault. Its as reasonable as the assumption this will be great for everyone. The ops are right. You need to do some proper investigation into it and speak to a business advisor, before you get too upset over it.

Just to add, if you do manage to go ahead with some form of business plan you will surely need to work out a realistic way of keeping his business going, perhaps by running yours remotely for part of the week as others have mentioned.

You have a very young family at the moment. Once they are at school you might have more time, but you will find that your family budget gets squeezed from many more angles than currently, as I am sure many of us who have brought up several children each can atest. If part of your husband's thinking is also that you need the reasonably stable income then he is being realistic, I would say.

I really do hope that you can find a suitable way forward without a big falling out with your husband. Neither of you has done anything wrong, but your business idea is still a concept, and with growing children you need to keep realistic and level headed.

Okay, I can see I have been a bit deluded.

However, the business is a very good idea, I can't go into detail as I don't want to out myself and I have spouted about it to most of my family and friends! I have worked for a business that is similar and lived in a seaside resort for a lot of my childhood so am not going into something completely new to me.

DH must have known I was serious because no one would spend hours looking into the more boring side of business just as a bit of a dream. I think Topseyt is probably right in saying he enjoyed the idea and probably didn't want to pour cold water on the idea. We wont fall out long term, I just need to lick my wounds and think about how I can put the plan into action in a different way. Many thanks for all your replies by the way.

Maybe originally he did share the dream and genuinely want to. But now the business is doing well and you have kids to consider. It maybe that over the years its changed for him and he felt he couldn't say that.

And I am sure it is a good business idea. But good enough to gamble your future on? Will you have enough saved to live on until its turning a good profit. These are the things he is likely thinking.

Does your concept absolutely rely on being by the coast? Is the area you live in at all touristy, or could do with help to attract visitors?

I live in quite a historic small town which has a lot of history and character. It can be pretty full of tourists in the summer months and there are indeed some businesses such as coffee and cake shops which are only open May - October to reflect that. Seaside resorts are obviously very seasonal too, though the numbers and the footfall would admittedly be greater.

London of course, is very touristy, but also ruinously expensive in the best areas.

anything based by the coast and on the tourist trade would be seasonal though, what are you planning to live on during the winter when your business isn't making money?

Tbh I think that it is one thing having a dream to set up a business, running with that and making it a reality, while your dh works too. it is entirely something else to expect your dh to give up his career and business to pursue a dream which has no guarantees of becoming a reality.

And it doesn't matter how successful other businesses of that nature are, there is no guarantee that yours will be, because for every successful business there will be four or five unsuccessful ones.

There is nothing wrong in wanting to start your own business. Expecting your dh to give up a well paying business, or presumably even a well paid job if he hadn't been self employed so you can go chasing a dream is utterly selfish and deluded. Make your business work first before expecting him to give up everything for it, until then expecting him to give up the family income is completely unreasonable.