Am I Deluded?

[ShesAStar]

For as long as I can remember I have been planning to run a leisure and tourism type business. I had planned to move to a coastal area and start up my business as soon as I had the finances in place. DH and I had been planning this venture together for about 6 or 7 years.

During this 6 or 7 years we have had two children and I have become a SAHP whilst DH has been running his own business. His business has always meant a lot to him and it has been building up for about ten years - it is now starting to make good profit and it has expanded a lot in the last two years, DH has put huge effort and time into it.

About two years ago I got an inheritance that I wasn't expecting - enough to start the business I had always wanted and had planned with DH. DH seemed less enthusiastic. I found the perfect site with accommodation for our family, DH went very quiet and when I said I wanted to buy it and move to the location he made it very, very clear he didn't want to go. He doesn't want to leave his business, he seemed quite horrified that we suddenly were able to fulfil our ambition.

We had a massive row and didn't speak much for a few days, when we eventually got talking again he explained he did want set up the new business but not for a few years as his business was just becoming successful. I thought this was fair enough but was disappointed. We put the inheritance towards a house where he can get to work more easily.

A few weekends ago we went out for a meal, we got a bit tipsy on wine and I asked him when we might be able to start the new business - we would need to move to a coastal area and it would be a complete lifestyle change so I cannot do it without his agreement - he told me that he never really wanted to do the venture and thought it was just a dreamy idea that was nice to fantasise about from time to time.

I am left feeling somewhat shocked, very bitter and resentful. I feel cheated and I am so angry that he allowed me to believe he was serious when he knew all along he had no intentions setting up a different business. He now says we can retire down to the coast - I have no interest in retiring to the coast - I wanted to run a business. He is bending over backwards to placate me and I just keep feeling more and more enraged.

I feel there is no point in fighting him over it - you cant force someone to live a life they don't want but I cannot stop feeling angry.

AIBU - do I need to just drop it? I think the idea had a good chance of being successful - but am I just deluded?

I have not considered couples counselling - I think DH would say what he thinks everyone wants to hear. He only told me he doesn't want to try a new business because I pushed and pushed.

It really isn't a caravan park or B&B. I don't want to out myself - it doesn't really matter what it is anyway because it won't happen without DH being on board and he clearly isn't.

Perhaps I am just deluded!

I think the only way this has a chance of working out for you is if you do what FlabbyMummy has suggested and try to get your business up and running and spend part of the week there, alongside your DH maintaining his own business.

tbh I think your DH would be utterly bonkers to even consider (at this point) selling/down-scaling/taking a backseat in his own business to go along with your plan.

I'm sorry, I realise that's probably not what you want to hear.

FlabbyMummy I would need to release the money from the house which is why I need DH to be on board. I could possibly do as you suggest when the DC are older - they are primary and pre school at the moment.

There a few companies set up doing what I propose and they are thriving.

How old are you, op?

The reason I ask is that, unless you are near to retirement or have failing health, then really anything could happen over the next twenty years. Your DH's business might only last another ten years; nothing is ever set in stone for the rest of your life.

ShesAStar I am sorry I wasnt wanting to have ago I just dont want you to risk everything on something as yes it is a risk (depending on what it is is the % of risk)

If the thing you wanted to do would be profitable in a given area you must ask why hasnt someone else started up there already? (I dont know about tourstie things but I have experence with my DH setting up a IT based company)

I'm finding it a bit hard to understand why, if this means so much to you, you have supported your husband in building up his business and have invested in a larger family home where you are?

WickedWax it is exactly what I need to hear! I am so caught up in the injustice of everything - I could do with some plain talking and common sense!

If the other companies are thriving are not a good indicator of the area is a good are to invest in as if it is alot of other people will try to set up or the area your bueinses is trying to get into is just about the level that can support and more companies joining in could cause overstateration of the field and thus would quickly become unprofitable for the new start ups as they would not have the reputation of established companies

Sorry that sounds a bit snide, I mea n that if I were passionate about altering our lifestyle I'd be really forthcoming, insisting on saving to buy my business, looking for ways to expand the other business on the coast, looking for a family home there.

I would do what FlabbyMummy suggests, and pay for a proper business advisor to go through your business plan with you in detail, pointing out potential pitfalls and difficulties, and then see if it still seems so appealing. In fact, I'm really surprised you haven't done this already, as most people who sound so keen on setting up a new business would have done. Don't just talk to someone who will tell you what you want to hear, because they want to make money out of you, like an estate agent.

TheChandler I would risk giving up a successful business for a better lifestyle - not just for me but for DH and DC

But you haven't said there is anything wrong with your current lifestyle! Why not qualify in a career related to the business proposal, and get a paying job for experience first?

Why does the proposed business have to involve (a) uprooting your entire family for something that doesn't even exist yet and (b) risking your family home?

Some of these "business ideas" sound nice on paper - the cult boutique is the classic, but equally it could be a "little tearoom in a seaside village" or a caravan park or similar, but whether they actually make money and are a reliable source of income to provide for a family in the long term is less cosy sounding.

forget about releasing money from the house, go to the bank and get a business loan - or at least make an appointment to speak to a business advisor.

if your business plan is sound and there are companies doing what you propose that are genuinely thriving, then it shouldn't be too much of a problem to get finance.

OP I just wanted to add a voice of encouragement and positivity. Don't feel any need to defend your business ideas here.

I definitely don't think you are deluded in wanting a better, more fulfilling lifestyle, nor for expecting your husband's support after all of these years.

worksallhours I am mid thirties and you are right - anything can happen.

worridmum I didn't think you were having a go, I am glad you told me about your friend. I can imagine the 'I told you so' face on DH if it all failed!

Playthegameout we didn't have the capital to start anything and then when we did DH said he wanted to wait a few years. I put the money into a house that made life easier for me, DH and the DC at the time thinking we would sell up in a few years.

I don't think you can blame your DH for thinking it was just a dream because you've made several decisions that would indicate that you weren't really committed to it.

When DH set up his London-centric business, why didn't you say then 'but DH we're moving to the coast in a few years, this business won't work!'

When he was working to build the business up...

When you made the decision to have two children and become a SAHP....that doesn't scream 'I want to move to the coast and start a business soon'.

When you invested the inheritance into a bigger house...again it's not screaming 'this location is temporary'.

I think you are deluded for thinking that your DH is wrong to want to stay with the business that is financially supporting all of you and that he has worked hard to build up.

In five or ten years it will be a different picture. I'd reassess then. Unless you absolutely can't stand it, in which case all you can do is leave.

TheCandler Your quite right I should get a business advisor to go through the plan, it would be massively interesting to me to ask a professional and also would give me more idea of whether to drop it or keep going. There is nothing 'wrong' with my lifestyle as such but it is not fulfilling and since you only live once (as far as we know) you ought to be fulfilled.

WickedWax A loan is a good idea but I always think if you don't have to borrow money it's best not to. I thought of the whole venture as a lifestyle change so buying a property and land was part of the plan. Perhaps it would be better to keep the house and borrow money - maybe a business advisor is the way to go.

Vivacia thank you

I worked for 10 years in a job I absolutely hated, and the whole time I was desperately coming up with different business ideas - going as far as writing up business plans for two of them.

My DH (who runs 3 of his own businesses) very gently poured cold water on them, and even though he did it in the nicest possible way, it was still hard to hear, coming from him.

It took a long couple of meetings with a independent business advisor, who had no emotional investment in any of it, to make me see sense.

As PP's have said, most ideas sound lovely in theory, but don't work in practice. In my town there are new businesses, especially leisure/tourism type businesses, opening and closing down within 18 months all the time.

I would urge you, before you speak about this again with your DH, to go and speak to a professional independent business advisor. If there is something viable there, they will tell you. If not, they will tell you straight.

At this point all you're doing is arguing and feeling bitter and resentful about a 'what if'.

OutragedfromLeeds your right, but he didn't really set the business up as a choice - he had been in the business and then I thought he could do it alone so he went for it. It wasn't a considered career choice really. I did make it clear that I wanted a different life for us all, it was always in conversation, also in visits, nights sat working out finances etc.

But you are right because he clearly thought I wasn't serious!

ActingBusy I will take your advice. Thank you .

I hope you've found a job you like now?

I think you are deluded and a a bit selfish. your dh has built up a successful business and you want to demolish it for a long held idea/whim
how would you feel if the boot was on the other foot and you was the one who had the business and your dh wanted to move to start a business which may never get going

somewheresomehow I wouldn't have played along - I would have said that I didn't want to do it from the start. It's not his desire to run his business that annoys me, it's his pretence at wanted to start something else.

If I was selfish I would have taken my inheritance and done it without his agreement.

OP you are actually sounding increasingly deluded as the thread moves on. You are very critical of your DH and seem to resent him for sharing in your inheritance to buy the family home.

I wonder why your sense of lack of fulfilment means obsessing over this (non) business plan. Many successful businesses result from someone working in a field who sets out on their own, so I wonder why you don't find some form of job in a related area and build up your experience. Or go on a business management course for a year or so and build up some useful (formal) skills.

Your comments about selling the family home to fund it are just crazy. I'm sorry, but that's the last resort for most people with a good business plan. You would obviously look to set up a limited company to protect your personal assets and only pledge the family home as a last resort if you ran into difficulties.

You say you 'wanted a different life for us all'. What do your children want? Your dh plainly doesn't want a different life. Do the dc want to move schools, change friends, etc?

I don't resent DH for sharing my inheritance. I am angry with him at the moment so perhaps that is coming across. I'm not obsessed with the business either - I'm shocked that me and DH discussed it for so long and secretly he didn't want to do it.

I am qualified to a good level in another area and can go back into it but was looking forward to something that I'd been planning for sometime.

The reason for selling the family home would be to relocate the family into a new home. It would leave some money over that I would have put towards the business. Of course I would want a limited company.

FiftyShadesOfSporn the children are very young. They don't have an active social life yet. Like you say DH doesn't want a different life, but until a short while ago I thought he did. I guess I'm still trying to get my head around that!

So even though you both knew that you would "move to the coast" in the future, you both spent 10 years investing in your DH's company - which requires you to live in London and bought a house there.

Can I ask - your business idea? Have you tested demand? Is there any way to get into the industry in London in a different area to get some experience.

This just sounds disastrous. Do not sell your family home to fund your business idea.