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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to distance sons from DN for a bit..

58 replies

FujimotosElixir · 13/04/2015 11:50

This isn't an easy post and i feel like a cow so please be gentle. Im trying to be vague to so ask if theres something you dont understand , have 2 sons one is nearly 6 and one 2 ..DN is in the middle at 3, just. Shes quite high maintenence and often has relentless crying episodes if youngest ds picks up her toys and sits in her chair , refuses to share but demands ds 2 shares. Winds him up i.e clicks off videos on when hes using Tablet but cries if he tries to 'pinch' hers, has sworn at him in the past (dickhead) but only once tbf, and when ds 2 gets sick of it and gives her a good wallop its him who gets into trouble, which bugs me As much as i dont want him to do it. From things i have seen i have suspected for a while that she is pandered to a degree and that MIL.treats DN differently to both DS' s. They went for a few hours yesterday, my eldest told me that DN brought a new toy round refused to share it and was crying so hysterically when ds2 picked it up MIL was taking it off him to give back to DN instead of telling her to share or play with something else. he said "DN never shares and DGM doesn't tell her off" ...Sad pretty damning when an asd 5 year old sees it so clearly. Today my youngest ds was looking at pictures of DN on my phone made a crying gesture with his hands and frowned....to clarify my issue is that the behaviour issues arent dealt with i know toddlers are toerags at the best times. I suddenly feel very guilty that ive been sending them and theyve not been having a great time. btw BIL and MIL live very close together so in this case DN is usually always there. What do i do that doesn't make me look awful? .

OP posts:
Original poster
FujimotosElixir · 13/04/2015 11:52

Sorry tried to paragraph then just blurbed together :/

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Justusemyname · 13/04/2015 11:55

Yanbu at all. I'd stop sending him because it upsets him rather than because of her fairly normal behaviour. She needs more supervision and showing how to share, clearly.

BarbarianMum · 13/04/2015 11:55

Be there when your children are with her. Intervene when necessary. Speak to BiL/MiL about fairness.

You don't sound horrible but your DN is acting absolutely typically for her age. The problem is with the supervising adults. So better to change this than withdraw - unless you want to withdraw permanently.

CaptainFabulous · 13/04/2015 11:55

Well your issue isn't with a poor wee 3 year old girl, it's with your MIL for treating them differently. You need to find a way (or your DH does) of talking to her about it, or BIL, or whoever.

But separating a toddler from her family because she tantrums...well, it's not the right resolution, really. And she won't always be like this, either.

PtolemysNeedle · 13/04/2015 11:57

I think you're right to think about distancing them.

Make plans that don't involve your children going to MILs when You're not there, and if you're asked why you have become distant then tell the truth. I know that's easier said than done, but nothing you've said or are likely to do makes you look awful, you're just protecting your children. And that needs to be done, because favouritism can be very damaging.

AuntyMag10 · 13/04/2015 12:01

The thing is she's 3yo, and it seems like typical behaviour. She's not being supervised properly, or her behaviour isn't challenged or corrected so she will continue to act out.
The only thing that needs to be done is speak to your mil about it, tell her what your DS isn't happy about.
You could distance yourself but it isn't the right thing, not would it resolve any issue.

Original poster
FujimotosElixir · 13/04/2015 12:06

I don't know if it is entirely typical these aren't 'tantrums' its absolutely relentless i feel my hands itching ...but yes if there was some intervention there it would have mellowed shes always been like this But at 3 i kind of expected it to mellow... (maybe naiive but i am anexperienced mum) and the fact its largely aimed at ds2 i think theres an element of knowledge of whats being done. Y, y to the double standards though make me seethe. Thats the real issue im not sure mil/bil would listen though

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Original poster
FujimotosElixir · 13/04/2015 12:19

The "It upsets the kids " is probably the best angle isnt it?

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Triooooooooooo · 13/04/2015 12:25

My dd used to have tantrums that went 'beyond normal'.

She was diagnosed with autism aged 5 and is still screaming 16 yrs on !!

What im trying to get at is could there be an underlying reason for this extreme behaviour ?? Mainly as you have a child who had Autism, it can run in families (( has in our case )) poor dd was ostracised and labelled the family brat (( still is tbh )) id hate for another child to go through that.

BarbarianMum · 13/04/2015 12:30

'an element of knowledge'?

She's 3. She may be jealous, she may be used to getting her own way, there may be something else going on. But she is just a tiny girl.

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 13/04/2015 12:32

Well if it's more pain than pleasure why bother,family or not.

Life's too short. Keep your kids away from going to mils by themselves when dn is there or alternatively visit when she's not there. She can't be there all the time and it's probably too much for your mil to cope with either.

NeedABumChange · 13/04/2015 12:37

I would take a step back from her for a bit. Stop all the time they have just them, her and .mil. So go along if it's a big family thing or invite mil out to things.

It's not fair on your boys and is clearly stressing you and them out. Reevaluate in 6 months or so when she might have "matured" a bit. Even if there is an underlying issue for her it's not really fair to expect your 2yo DS to understand that.

GetOutOfBed · 13/04/2015 12:49

I think YABU. She is 3 years old. I have a dc about to turn 3 and she doesn't sound too horrendous to me.
Wrt the whole 'sharing' thing, have you not thought maybe MIL is letting her play with HER toy then your boys can play when she's finished? It's called taking turns...

Original poster
FujimotosElixir · 13/04/2015 12:50

I don't mean forever by any means just give her time to get out of the habit but of course the issue is really getting mil/bil to finger out and deal which is less easy. Of course i dont want to punish a 3 yr old for something that isn't really her fault ..how could i phrase it to them about this issue without ww3? ....Barbarian i dont.believe unfortunately that she has no knowledge of what shes doing , when she swears she says it in context and then runs off laughing, and after long periods of winding ds up if he snaps goes off running to nanna/mum/dad crying ...like i said older ds is largely left alone..he doesn't take any nonsense. But like i said its sad shes been raised to perform in such an extreme level of attention seeking.

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mummytime · 13/04/2015 12:55

" i feel my hands itching" - do you think hitting her would stop her behaviour?

To be honest if you can't treat a 3 year old with patience, and sympathise with her parents. Then please stay away.

Maybe she is just a normal 3 year old, most struggle with sharing, especially precious new toys. Or maybe there is something more to her tantrums.

Maybe your MIL is treating each child as they need, which may be different.

If your 5 (6 year old) has ASD, have you considered that is something that runs in families?

I would not dare to say I know all about raising children, and I have 3 who are considerably older than yours, with whom I have made a lot of mistakes.

Original poster
FujimotosElixir · 13/04/2015 12:56

NeedABum thanks my sentiments largely , GetoutofBed im not sure how much of my op you read it is not acceptable to provoke for long periods, my 2 year old only slightly verbal ds to the point of physically lashing out only to blame /solicit sympathy via manipulative behaviour and thats ignoring the language.

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DinosaursRoar · 13/04/2015 12:56

OP - if DN is an only child and doesn't go to group childcare or pre-school, then she needs to be taught to share, it's not something a 3 year old will automatically be able to do.

It is, unfortunately, a failure in the adult supervision, your BIL and MIL when there. Your DS's comment that Granny doesn't make DN share is damming of MIL "path of least resistance" approach, not the child.

I would avoid leaving your DCs with MIL when DN is there as it's clear she can't cope. It could be DN has SEN, or it could be that she's learned that at Granny's house, as long as you shout loudly enough, you get away with anything and nothing bad happens.

Stay with your DCs if they go to MILs when DN is there, and you step in and tell her off/remove your DCs if she starts being badly behaved. Agreed, get in the habit of inviting MIL to you regularly so it's less obvious to family you are avoiding going.

Sadly, if her parents and grandparents aren't going to teach this little girl how to play nicely and share, she's going to be hard work to be around for a while.

Original poster
FujimotosElixir · 13/04/2015 12:59

mummytime No of course i wouldn't im just demonstrating how irritating the relentless hours of crying/whining and being rather rude to ds is. My asd ds was not treat as leniently that is my issue. Thanks for all replies if i haven't adressed any.

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Original poster
FujimotosElixir · 13/04/2015 13:02

Thanks dinosaur its hard ,dn has no sen , this isn't her fault but if the adults wont listen the only alt would essentially punish her which is sad. But my kids need me to protect them especially my tiny toddler who like i said is largely Preverbal.

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Original poster
FujimotosElixir · 13/04/2015 14:08

Has anyone had a similar situation? Sorry 3x post

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Scaredycat3000 · 13/04/2015 14:45

Since my DS's cousin was able to toddle she has headed towards my DS's ready to attack. I mean fingers out ready to pinch, hard toy held up ready to hit, hands out ready to push. My BIL completely ignores it, as in he doesn't see it happening literally under his nose. Even blames strangers who try and help the hurt child when she hurt cousin on other side. Thank fuck we live far away from them, we visit rarely. I place them blame squarely at BIL's feet. I keep my DS's away as much as I can and watch carefully when we have to socialize. Just because they are family I don't see why they get to assault my children. The older brother is a bully, but much more subtle and not physical. What I really should do is talk to SIL, MIL just denied there was a problem! Until she decided to announce 'he's like that because of his other GM', still don't know what like that meant. So I can't be arsed to deal with it, they are all OH's family and I give up trying with the nasty lot. Short visits, never leave them with anyone there, wait for OH to face up to reality. So I don't really have any advise, but you're not alone.
What I really want to do is next time BIL ignores his 3 yr old attacking my DS's is attack him in exactly the same way, probably not a good idea

Feminine · 13/04/2015 14:52

I understand where you are coming from.
My niece used to exhibit very similar behaviour.
My son was jumped on, pulled about. She opened his Christmas presents.
Not one word of chastisement came from either of her parents.
Finally my ds 'snapped' and pulled her hair.

Wow! You wouldn't believe how quickly her parents managed to summon up the energy to tell my son off!

It was unbelievable.

They were only three then.

I can't bear to see children getting away with unacceptable behaviour.

Now they are 16/17. I have gotten over it Grin

Original poster
FujimotosElixir · 13/04/2015 15:32

Thanks for replies those situations sound pretty bad . My DN isnt particularly violent that would i dunno...be easier to deal with? More black and white? ...if that makes sense?

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Floggingmolly · 13/04/2015 15:36

Why are you sending them round without you?

mynewpassion · 13/04/2015 15:51

I feel for your MIL.

I've had experienced with a similar situation. Sometimes its easier to give the toy back to the owner or hide it so no one plays with it. Keeps the peace. Later have a frank conversation with my sibling, the parent.