to distance sons from DN for a bit..

[FujimotosElixir]

This isn't an easy post and i feel like a cow so please be gentle. Im trying to be vague to so ask if theres something you dont understand , have 2 sons one is nearly 6 and one 2 ..DN is in the middle at 3, just. Shes quite high maintenence and often has relentless crying episodes if youngest ds picks up her toys and sits in her chair , refuses to share but demands ds 2 shares. Winds him up i.e clicks off videos on when hes using Tablet but cries if he tries to 'pinch' hers, has sworn at him in the past (dickhead) but only once tbf, and when ds 2 gets sick of it and gives her a good wallop its him who gets into trouble, which bugs me As much as i dont want him to do it. From things i have seen i have suspected for a while that she is pandered to a degree and that MIL.treats DN differently to both DS' s. They went for a few hours yesterday, my eldest told me that DN brought a new toy round refused to share it and was crying so hysterically when ds2 picked it up MIL was taking it off him to give back to DN instead of telling her to share or play with something else. he said "DN never shares and DGM doesn't tell her off" ... pretty damning when an asd 5 year old sees it so clearly. Today my youngest ds was looking at pictures of DN on my phone made a crying gesture with his hands and frowned....to clarify my issue is that the behaviour issues arent dealt with i know toddlers are toerags at the best times. I suddenly feel very guilty that ive been sending them and theyve not been having a great time. btw BIL and MIL live very close together so in this case DN is usually always there. What do i do that doesn't make me look awful? .

If your son sits on a chair and his 3 year old cousin makes a fuss then it's up to the supervising adult to tell her to stop making a fuss. If they don't do that then the supervising adult is the problem not the 3 year old having a tantrum over nothing who is just behaving like a badly disciplined toddler.
If you aren't happy with the supervising adults (and you clearly aren't) then stop letting other adults supervise your kids and stop going round there as often and do other stuff instead.

YAB still U because you are still blaming the child not the adults (she could have left the toy at home). What 3 year old knows when they go to Grandma's today their cousin is going to be there, and may want to touch their toy?

Admittedly Grandma should have put it somewhere "safe", maybe parents should have left it "safe" at home, although if it was the only way to get her out of the house - I can understand.

You said they were bad dealing with your older son; well they are being just as bad dealing with her.

YANBU to not leave your sons with them, and to cut back on visits.

I had this with my dc and my (golden child) sisters youngest daughter.
My dn Always gets anything she wants and often my dc went without.
My parents just said anything for an easier life!
It was lazy parenting and blatant favouritism- it has wound me up so much over the years!
My dc could see what was happening and often asked me why so I just told them what my parents had said and we all came to the conclusion they are not nice people!
Thankfully they all live a few hours away now and i've been nc for years because some people will just never see what they are doing as wrong or infact care about anyone they hurt.
So I think for your own sanity and your dc happiness it would be wise to distance yourself from them.

Oh and my dn knew no different because she'd never been taught to share or take turns and she learned she didn't have to. She was frequently horrid to my dc and laughed because she knew she'd Never get blamed for anything.
Except when I was there of course!
You can't change the people who teach her right from wrong.

I don't see why you expect her to share her new toy. It's not uncommon for kids to bring a special toy with them and she can't be expected to give it up just because your DS decides he wants it. Can't he play with one of his own toys?

You sound very hostile to her; she's just a little girl and while she does sound difficult it's not her fault. All kids are manipulative, some are just higher needs than others or haven't been taught appropriate ways to express what they want.

If your issue is with your MiL treating them differently then just don't leave your DS's there without you. If you're there you can step in yourself. If she's bugging your DS then gently let her know that he's getting very frustrated now and try to offer alternatives. Physically stand between them if necessary. Just try to be gentle with her, she's still a baby herself.

TwoOddSocks...its the straw that breaks the camels back , regardless of age its just relentless nasty , manipulative behaviour towards furthered panderex by the adults around its hard as the parent of the victim to not be made very concerned angry by it , doesn't mean hostility my reaction is perfectly human? 3 years is not a baby either, shes ok towards the other ds but the behaviour towards ds2 clouds that a lot.

*towards ds further pandered.

Every three year old is manipulative, some more than others because they have needs that aren't being met for whatever reason. Perhaps she feels jealous of him as the younger one, totally normal reaction for a three year old. (She shouldn't be allowed to bully him but she probably needs help dealing with what is a fairly normal emotional reaction to no longer being the youngest).

At three she has almost zero self awareness and very little impulse control. If you hate your visits there by all means cut back on time spent there and I can understand irritation but the level of antipathy towards her sounds totally unwarranted from what you describe.

It's not her fault if other relations are not treating the DC's equally. It does sound like she could have emotional or behavioural issues that cause her behaviour and are also the reason that she's treated differently.