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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think MIL has gone crazy, or is something wrong?

65 replies

pleasebenice · 12/04/2015 09:07

Hi all, hope everyone is good Flowers

So basically, took 13wo DD to see MIL yesterday. Me and DH went out to get some lunch from a cafe, was gone maybe 10 mins and left DD with MIL. Came back and DD was crying, no, not crying, screaming. Rushed over and picked her up. MIL comes in and says 'shes been doing that since you left, there's no tears, its just an attention cry' then proceeded to take DD off me and put her back down again. I know my daughters attention cry, that was it. I moved MIL out of the way and picked DD up again. First off, if it had been her attention cry, I'd of still of picked her up, but she's only screamed like that a few times, once at her injections (gah, got that again tomorrow:( ) and when her tooth is hurting her.

I told MIL that just because there was no tears, doesn't mean she's crying for attention. She doesn't cry (as in, there's no tears running down her face) she gets tears in her eyes, but they've never fallen. MIL them told me that i must be doing something wrong as she hasn't had tears running down her face yet..

If she hasn't had tears yet, surely i must be doing something right, right?

Like I said, she gets tears in her eyes, so I know she can produce them. Is MIL being crazy, or is there something wrong? (btw, i honestly don't think there is, she's a content little baba who just doesn't cry) It'll break my heart first time she does though Sad

Thank you for reading!

OP posts:
CaptainFabulous · 12/04/2015 09:10

MIL sounds like a loon. It takes a while before they cry proper tears; as if it makes any difference.

Crying baby = cuddles. Always.

forago · 12/04/2015 09:10

you are talking about a 13 week old right not a 13 month old? 13 week olds only have attention cries, because they need attention.

straighttothepoint · 12/04/2015 09:11

In my opinion a 13 week old needs attention if crying. Your mil is a bit nuts or old but I wouldn't leave a 13 week old with her again.

icelollycraving · 12/04/2015 09:13

Babies cry for attention as in,dirty/hungry etc whereas your Mil appears to require attention of the bollocking kind.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 12/04/2015 09:13

Sounds like one if these loony types who obsesses over baby manipulation. If your little baby cries it's because she needs you. Tears come a bit later and are no indication of anything much.

chocolatelife · 12/04/2015 09:13

you mil probably doesn't want you to not let her in charge of lo again. she didnt want to worry you.

Original poster
pleasebenice · 12/04/2015 09:13

Yes, she's 13 weeks. Her attention cry is just unhappy noise, a bottom lip stuck out that both disappear when she's picked up/i come back in the room, and are replaced by a big smile :)

OP posts:
forago · 12/04/2015 09:13

I definitely wouldn't leave my baby with her again

DoTheDuckFace · 12/04/2015 09:14

I wouldn't leave my child with her again. 13 week old babies cry because it is the only way they can communicate they need something. They not cry for attention In the manner she means it.

chocolatelife · 12/04/2015 09:14

no, dont not leave her with MIL. that is a bit too far to go
pay no attention.
she probably just missed you.

chocolatelife · 12/04/2015 09:15

you will want her to be a baby sitter surely in the future?

PeachyPants · 12/04/2015 09:17

Silly woman, I find the part where she took your DD off you particularly objectionable, totally out of order, YANBU.

Fairylea · 12/04/2015 09:18

This all seems a bit odd. If a child is crying you give them attention. I don't believe there is any such thing as an "attention" cry, all crying is a need for attention and that's just as valid a reason as anything else.

I wouldn't leave my baby with your mil.

SanityClause · 12/04/2015 09:18

The advice used to be that babies should be left to cry, as it was good for their lungs. Also, if you picked them up every time you cried, you were spoiling them, and making a rod for your own back. Also, that crying was a sign the evil little things were just trying to manipulate you.

This may be what your MIL has been taught. She may sincerely believe it.

In a bizarre way, she may also feel your parenting choices are a criticism of hers.

Be firm about doing things your own way, but cut her some slack. She just wants the best for your DD, as do you.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 12/04/2015 09:19

If she is happy to leave a tiny baby cry indefinetly then id think twice about leaving her there again for a loooong time.

chocolatelife · 12/04/2015 09:24

absolutely cut her some slack Thanks
you must have been through this before as she is not your first baby?

chocolatelife · 12/04/2015 09:25

op was only gone 10 minutes

Levismum · 12/04/2015 09:26

Older people really didn't view leaving even new born to scream wrong.Sad.

Your MIL clearly has a very different perspective yo you, as to how to care for a young baby.

Shes entitled to her opinion as you are yours...

chocolatelife · 12/04/2015 09:27

OP are you concerned about lack of tears?
I have no idea about that, can you ask HV

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 12/04/2015 09:32

My DD didn't shed a tear until she was about 6 months old! I never worried about it. She cries normally now at 17 months.

Original poster
pleasebenice · 12/04/2015 09:32

chocolate she is my first, so have no frame of reference for this. I'm not really concerned as she can produce them, they just don't fall.

OP posts:
SanityClause · 12/04/2015 09:33

I know, Levismum. My MIL used to leave DH to cry in the hall, because he was too loud to have in the room with them.

She doesn't feel in the slightest bit embarrassed about this, because leaving babies to cry was normal then.

CheshireCait · 12/04/2015 09:33

Older generations were taught to do things differently; I had a disagreement once with my mum and great aunt who firmly believed that crying was good for a baby's lung development and that they should be left to do it for their own good. It's a theory that has been completely debunked since but to them it's still fact and I was being pigheaded and spoiling the child!

It's hard to change your views when you've thought a particular way for a long time. I wouldn't blame her for it, call her mad or assume there's something wrong. Just don't leave the baby with her again if you don't agree with how she looks after her.

You may need to work on establishing boundaries a little, by politely pointing out that she's your baby and that you're going to follow current guidelines, if she tries to take her from you again.

AdeleDazeem · 12/04/2015 09:34

Trust your instincts. I deeply regret not picking up my child every time she cried when she was that young. Poisonous MIL was of the belief that picking the child up when she cried was spoiling her and her son agreed. I had to listen to 'She's training you' (she can't even hold her own head up) 'She's playing you off one another' (alert Superman, we must have an evil genius on our hands) and 'She's doing that on purpose' (she doesn't do anything on purpose she's two months old!) before finally cutting her off completely. (Over way more than just that issue btw).

It was one of the things I spoke to my counsellor about and she agreed that if a baby is crying for attention it's because they need attention and can't exactly clear their throats and pipe up 'Excuse me a moment...'

SanityClause · 12/04/2015 09:35

There is a lot of science about tears. The tears you cry out of sadness are different to the tears you cry when laughing, for example.

However, babies' crying is really more like shouting than crying for sadness. It's saying "Muuuuuum, Daaaaaaad, I neeeeeed youuuuuuu!"

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