Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think MIL has gone crazy, or is something wrong?

65 replies

pleasebenice · 12/04/2015 09:07

Hi all, hope everyone is good Flowers

So basically, took 13wo DD to see MIL yesterday. Me and DH went out to get some lunch from a cafe, was gone maybe 10 mins and left DD with MIL. Came back and DD was crying, no, not crying, screaming. Rushed over and picked her up. MIL comes in and says 'shes been doing that since you left, there's no tears, its just an attention cry' then proceeded to take DD off me and put her back down again. I know my daughters attention cry, that was it. I moved MIL out of the way and picked DD up again. First off, if it had been her attention cry, I'd of still of picked her up, but she's only screamed like that a few times, once at her injections (gah, got that again tomorrow:( ) and when her tooth is hurting her.

I told MIL that just because there was no tears, doesn't mean she's crying for attention. She doesn't cry (as in, there's no tears running down her face) she gets tears in her eyes, but they've never fallen. MIL them told me that i must be doing something wrong as she hasn't had tears running down her face yet..

If she hasn't had tears yet, surely i must be doing something right, right?

Like I said, she gets tears in her eyes, so I know she can produce them. Is MIL being crazy, or is there something wrong? (btw, i honestly don't think there is, she's a content little baba who just doesn't cry) It'll break my heart first time she does though Sad

Thank you for reading!

OP posts:
scarletforya · 12/04/2015 09:35

I wouldn't let her have the baby again either.

Original poster
pleasebenice · 12/04/2015 09:38

I am being unreasonable if its a generation thing aren't i? I do think she was wrong to take DD away from me and not even check if something was wrong with her. But, I can see where you're all coming from with the generation thing. My mum is completely different (she's 43 and had her last baby 13 years ago) so I guess i was unfairly comparing them? My mum pushes me out of the way to get to her when DD is crying.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 12/04/2015 09:39

Producing tears is neither here nor there. It's not like 5 year olds who will fake cry for attention, 13 week olds can't fake cry. If they are crying, they need something, and the need for attention is just as valid as the need for milk or sleep.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 12/04/2015 09:40

You aren't being unreasonable! I'm sure my parents secretly scoffed at some of the things I did with DS but they never tried to intervene because it wasn't there place.

PeppermintPasty · 12/04/2015 09:44

Bugger the generational thing. My mother was like this with my first, so glad I live hundreds of miles away from her. She would give me the 'benefit of her experience' (Pah!) in this way and expect me to take it over using my instincts. Luckily I ignored her.

There are plenty of warm, loving older people full of empathy who wouldn't behave like your MIL or my mother. she sounds horrible.

Instincts all the way, you won't regret it.

SanityClause · 12/04/2015 09:44

My mother had 6 children, over a period of 14 years, and I remember her discussing with a friend how the advice changed in that time.

She was discussing how my younger brother, and subsequent siblings all wanted to feed a lot in the evening (what would now be called cluster feeding) and she thought that my older sister and I had probably wanted to have this as well, but we're left to cry, to "strengthen our lungs",as this was the advice given.

YANBU to want to rush to your DD when she cries, and to insist on treating her the way you want to. It sounds like you will need to be firm with MIL, but no need to think of her as a crazed loon, or whatever!

SanityClause · 12/04/2015 09:45

Were left to cry... Bloody autocorrect!

SanityClause · 12/04/2015 09:48

Incidentally, "instincts" can often be waaaaay off. What we think of as instincts are often learnt behaviour from our own, less than perfect, relationships.

Hakluyt · 12/04/2015 09:52

Not necessarily a generational thing- my mother and mil were even faster to pick up mine when they so much as squeaked as I was!

And bear in mind that there are plenty of mumsnetters who sleep train from very early and everyone piles in to say that's absolutely fine. they are wrong, obviously

Tell her that you want her picked up the minutes she cries.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 12/04/2015 09:57

Oops their place

Original poster
pleasebenice · 12/04/2015 10:00

I should probably point out that there was something wrong with DD, she's teething and after a bit of gel and a cuddle, she was fine.

OP posts:
CultureSucksDownWords · 12/04/2015 10:04

It's about respect IMO. Your MIL showed that she doesn't respect you as she was dismissive of your concerns, and then took the baby back off you. That is really off. She's allowed to disagree about how to treat babies, but she doesn't get to tell you what to do.

If you otherwise get on with and like your MIL, then you need to talk to her about how you want her to respond to the baby. So, pick her up if she's crying, for whatever reason it might be. Explain that "attention" is a valid need of a little baby, and you expect her to give attention, and that it is good for babies. And most importantly you need to tell her never to take your baby off you without asking, and tell her how it made you feel. How she reacts to that conversation is important - if she dismisses your concerns again, then I would be reluctant to let her have your DD alone until she's a lot older.

By the way, your own mother pushing you aside to get to your DD when she's crying is also odd!

Original poster
pleasebenice · 12/04/2015 10:09

culture thank you, i was going to talk to her about it, just didn't really know how to word it, but what you said is perfect.

My mum does that because she wants to give me a break. DH works alot and she just wants to make sure i don't do everything by myself, if that makes sense?

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 12/04/2015 10:12

Why is wanting attention a problem anyway? Everybody needs attention.

chocolatelife · 12/04/2015 10:14

your MIL cant be that old if you own DM is 43?

Original poster
pleasebenice · 12/04/2015 10:16

DH is 15 years older than me chocolate

OP posts:
chocolatelife · 12/04/2015 10:16

so is she 60?

Hakluyt · 12/04/2015 10:17

Hang on- the bottom the garden in the pram and it exercises their lungs things are the 1940s. Your mother is younger than I am, and I was an attachment parent! Grin

chocolatelife · 12/04/2015 10:18

as you LO is 13 weeks you are going to years of battles with your DM and your MIL.
I would let this one go, take it with a pinch of salt. No harm was done.

dragdownthemoon · 12/04/2015 10:22

Of course it is an "attention cry"! Why on earth did she not respond and give the baby some attention?!

I had a similar experience with my MiL when DD was about 6 months old. DH and I went out, when we got back MiL said "oh yes she cried quite a lot but I left her to it, then after about half an hour I gave her a bottle in her cot, didn't pick her up or give her any attention, and she got the message cos she went to sleep" half an hour of crying then not even a cuddle with her bottle?!!! I was so upset.

I didn't leave Dd with MIl again until she was 4!!

freezation · 12/04/2015 10:22

Saying it's a generational thing can actually be quite offensive. My nearly 60 year-old mum is on here and hates it when she reads that. Just because things were done differently years ago doesn't mean people don't adapt and change. We don't live in a bubble. My gran is nearly 90 and tells me about how she would leave my mum outside in her pram for hours. But as soon as one of my DTs starts to grizzle she picks them up in an instant. We should excuse certain behaviours with age.

FanFuckingTastic · 12/04/2015 10:31

I would say I don't care about whether it's for attention or not, her crying is the only voice she has and I will pick her up and fuss her if she does cry. I want a secure, happy baby, and feel that is the way to achieve it. I would ask her to act similarly as that is how you want her raised, not MILs place to make those decisions.

Also, crying is extremely stressful to listen to as a baby's parent, so it's no use leaving her when it upsets you too - I couldn't handle it at all, so spent a lot of time soothing my baby. We were able to co-sleep and breastfeed, which meant night time was crying free, so would stir and then latch on before any cries. So much less stressful than bottle feeding was!

Teaching and discipline come much later than the first couple of years, I don't think love and attention can be "too much" this early on. You don't spoil a baby with attention.

Totality22 · 12/04/2015 10:53

My DD is 12 weeks and has been having proper tears for weeks breaks my heart but she isn't left to cry regardless of tears or not.

If she cries she is picked up as soon as I am able to (have a toddler so not always able to get to baby second she cries) but I never intentionally leave her to cry and I'd be livid if anyone I entrusted the to care for her did.

PeppermintCrayon · 12/04/2015 12:00

Babies need attention. I would be completely livid.

forago · 12/04/2015 12:37

my mother is nearly 70 and has never left any of my children or my sisters children to cry. That is not normal behaviour.

Swipe left for the next trending thread