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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH isnt talking to me because...

67 replies

Shirleycantbe · 12/04/2015 02:46

His lovely father is coming up 85. Very nearly died just over a year ago and is still pretty frail. His birthday is in a few days. My DH is generally pretty bad at remembering it - has forgotten entirely in the past.

We are away in the US on holiday. I sent DH an email reminder about the birthday a couple of weeks ago. Came up in conversation over dinner tonight and it transpired he had done nothing about it, despite having been on holiday here for a week.

I expressed my frustration and disappointment at this. Now my DH isn't talking to me because (presumably) I have made him feel bad.

How to handle?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shirleycantbe · 12/04/2015 02:48

Oh and I have now created a photo card on moonpig with pics of the kids that could be sent but DH wont use it cos I "will hold it over him"...

OP posts:
tibili · 12/04/2015 02:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 12/04/2015 02:54

Is he usually a sulky baby who makes you feel like you can't win, or is this unusual?

cuntyMcCunterson · 12/04/2015 02:56

Tell him to grow up! He's the one in the wrong and you're trying to resolve the issue. I'd just send the card and get present/go and see FIL once you're back from your hols.

Original poster
Shirleycantbe · 12/04/2015 02:57

Very good call - about to do this, though I suspect it will enrage DH even more...

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 12/04/2015 02:58

So he's sulking like a 12 yr old because he didn't remember his father's birthday?

Personally I would leave him to stew in his own juices and get on with having a holiday while he does it. Up to you whether to send the card or not. Is it that he expects you to organize birthday/Christmas cards or that he just isn't bothered?

lertgush · 12/04/2015 02:59

Ignore him and chat to us. Where are you in the US. Are you having a good time

Original poster
Shirleycantbe · 12/04/2015 03:01

Thanks! We are in Florida - Longboat Key - having a fab time (mostly)!

OP posts:
claraschu · 12/04/2015 03:03

Not all people care about birthdays and cards. Do he and his dad usually acknowledge birthdays?

Original poster
Shirleycantbe · 12/04/2015 03:05

Fair question but yes. His dad and stepmother always remember - and last time my DH forgot I know they were very upset which is why I dont want it to happen again.

OP posts:
lertgush · 12/04/2015 03:05

Oh it's lovely there. We used to go to Anna Maria Island. I recall visiting manatees and some gorgeous gardens with loads of flamingos.

Original poster
Shirleycantbe · 12/04/2015 03:10

Yes letrtgush, it's amazing! We just went to the Jungle Gardens and fed the flamingos this morning!

OP posts:
diddl · 12/04/2015 03:27

I think that if you think of FIL as a lovely person, then send a card because you want to!

Original poster
Shirleycantbe · 12/04/2015 03:33

I now have done! (Via moonpig) Daren't tell DH though...

OP posts:
FireflyGirl · 12/04/2015 03:50

It's not just about DH though, is it? Perhaps FIL was upset at not receiving a card from his grandchildren as well?

I remind DH about his family's birthdays and it's then up to him what he does about them, but now we have DS I will be making sure that at the least a card gets sent. DH is a very caring son/brother, but things like birthdays and mother's/father's day just pass him by (although he remembered to get me a Mother's day card this year, which was very impressive as DS was 36 hours old!).

I bought his family's Christmas cards last year, he sent some of them but not the others. His responsibility. He did, however, thank me for getting them. Things like this, to me, come under the teamwork of being a couple, and it's not about holding anything over each other but ensuring an 85 yr old man doesn't feel forgotten.

Ps, very Envy of your holiday, sounds wonderful!

Original poster
Shirleycantbe · 12/04/2015 03:53

Oh dear, told him I had sent the card and he is even more furious. Now trying to cancel it...

OP posts:
APlaceOnTheCouch · 12/04/2015 04:03

Don't try to cancel it. The card is from your DCs. Your DH can always send or bring another back with him after the holidays. The card isn't about him. It's about FIL. I hope this doesn't put a dampener on your holiday because it sounds amazing Flowers

Topseyt · 12/04/2015 04:13

Why cancel it? It will make his Dad very happy. Leave him to stew in his own selfish juices.

I can't see what there is to be furious about to be honest.

TheMaddHugger · 12/04/2015 04:13

what a douche bag. what if dear ol dad dies today. Heaven forbid.

giraffesCantBunnyHop · 12/04/2015 04:21

Bloody hell!

JassyRadlett · 12/04/2015 04:21

He needs the strong message that he is making this all about himself, rather than realising that it's how his dad feels that matters.

Definitely don't cancel it. And if he doesn't get over it, go out and enjoy the day without him - don't let him punish you for his fuckup.

HermiaDream · 12/04/2015 04:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BestZebbie · 12/04/2015 05:57

Of course, it is now important not to 'hold it over him' and mention the card again or it may turn out that he is being less U than it appears at the point in the OP.

stiffstink · 12/04/2015 07:10

What a nobber! Why does he want his dad to not receive a lovely moonpig card? Because of point scoring in the Birthday Remembering Contest 2015?

This is so weird!

My DH is crap at dates. He used to be in charge of presents/cards for his family but the reminders from me and the moaning (from me) about him buying overbudget at the last minute rather than shopping around means its better all round for me to do presents, except his mum's Mothers Day present.

I am trying to imagine him being mad at me for sorting out his mum's Mothers Day present if he forgot, but I can't imagine anything but him being relieved and saying thanks!

Is there more to this that you don't know about?

PrettyLittleMitty · 12/04/2015 07:16

Don't cancel the card. Why should fil have to be upset at feeling forgotten on his birthday just to appease your DH? He is behaving like a spoilt child, tell him to get a fucking grip and grow up.