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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DH isnt talking to me because...

67 replies

Shirleycantbe · 12/04/2015 02:46

His lovely father is coming up 85. Very nearly died just over a year ago and is still pretty frail. His birthday is in a few days. My DH is generally pretty bad at remembering it - has forgotten entirely in the past.

We are away in the US on holiday. I sent DH an email reminder about the birthday a couple of weeks ago. Came up in conversation over dinner tonight and it transpired he had done nothing about it, despite having been on holiday here for a week.

I expressed my frustration and disappointment at this. Now my DH isn't talking to me because (presumably) I have made him feel bad.

How to handle?

OP posts:

Isetan · 12/04/2015 07:29

Why did you send the card montage that indicated he was involved when you knew he couldn't be arsed? If FIL is upset about the lack of birthday acknowledgement from his son, then it's his responsibility (not yours) to discuss it directly with him, or not. Who actually benefits from you indulging the sulky teenager you married? It certainly isn't you.

Just because your H acts like a child doesn't mean you have to treat him like one. By tolerating his childish behavior you're not only contributing to its continuance but its escalation too. He sulks because he doesn't want dialogue, his silences are designed to smother debate because he can not articulate/ justify/ defend his behavior. I'm guessing he didn't start out this way and he's viewed your 'tolerance' as confirmation that his sulking and tantrums are an effective and efficient way of shutting down communication, whilst guaranteeing he gets his own way.

You're not responsible for his childishness but you are a contributor to the dynamic within your relationship, so stop. Ignore his sulking and stop trying to stop the consequences of his irresponsibility, by assuming responsibility.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/04/2015 07:30

Yabu.
How can you expect him, a busy man, to remeber everything like this? One email from you can easily be overlooked. You should hae followed that up wth a second email, then a light conversation over dinner (preferably steak) where youl explained that you were going to buy a card from both of you and one fromhe Dcs. Then reminded him to write the card having a stamp ready to post the card.
As you neglected these steps I think it was outrageous of you to mention FIl's birthday when your DH do nothing about it. That can only make him feel bad, when it was actually your fault he forgot. And sending your own fil a birthday card behind your dh's back?
I wouldn't be surprised if he never forgives this betrayal tbh.

Or. Back on earth: Tell him to grow up. And spend no more of your energy on the matter.

Ginmartini · 12/04/2015 07:35

What's his relationship like with his dad?

On another note, my dh used to be rubbish (selfish??) about his family and their birthdays, rarely contacting or bothering but he's a completely different person now that he's 'grown up' (nearly 50!) and is attentive and thoughtful, just took him a while.

YANBU though and it's not your responsibility to remind and encourage him just because you have a vagina.

Hissy · 12/04/2015 07:41

Does he have a habit of getting "furious" with you about perfectly reasonable things?

do you "hold things over him"?

Your relationship sounds scarily unbalanced. Are you panicking about his behaviour?

Keep posting, if he continues, and if you're scared, call the police please?

MuddledMavis · 12/04/2015 08:32

If my partner behaved like that especially the being angry for me sorting out his mess he'd be told in no uncertain terms to grow the feck up and feck off away from me until he had done and was ready to act like a grown up which includes acknowledging his fuck up and thanking me for sorting it out. I'd then make a point of leaving him to it until he did, childish twit!

Ipigglemustdie · 12/04/2015 08:36

Police? Really? Wow...Just wow.

magoria · 12/04/2015 08:38

He is a twat. You reminded a grown adult when their own parents birthday was coming up. It wasn't important enough for them to bother remembering and now they are trying to dump their guilt and shame on you.

Tell them to buck up and snap our of it.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 12/04/2015 08:42

How did you "express your frustration and disappointment" OP? Why are you frustrated and disappointed? I think that's worth considering.

I agree with Isetan completely, it sounds like you're contributing to the sulky child dynamic by acting like a parent to him, not treating him as an equal adult who has to take charge of their own responsibilities accept the consequences of their own mistakes. I wouldn't have even reminded him about his own Father's birthday in the first place. Presumably it hasn't changed.

CalleighDoodle · 12/04/2015 08:49

He sounds like a controlling husband. People dont forget important birthdays every year. They dont care about acknowledging them. He didnt forget either as you reminded him. He chose not to act.

Dont retract the card from the grandchildren you have sent. Why would he be so desperate to stop it anyway? Maybe his intention was to punish his dad, or to make the point that he decides whether to acknowledge. A power trip of the controlling man?

Topseyt · 12/04/2015 09:08

Police!! Why?

straighttothepoint · 12/04/2015 09:09

Your dh is a twat

PrettyLittleMitty · 12/04/2015 09:23

Police? Did I miss something?

Hexbramble · 12/04/2015 09:35

Why are you frantically trying to cancel the card order? Did you write in it "HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR OLD DFIL. FROM DDIL AND KIDS BUT NOT FROM YOUR THOUGHTLESS SON"?

If not, then leave the order be.
Still doesn't explain your DHs fury though. Does he have form for reacting like this? Do you have form for talking to him in a certain way? Genuine question.

scarletforya · 12/04/2015 10:06

Why would you try to cancel it?

Let him be furious, laugh at the ridiculous, egotistical twat.

Maliceaforethought · 12/04/2015 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WonderingWillow · 12/04/2015 10:58

Police?! Good grief!

TenerifeSea · 12/04/2015 11:00

No don't cancel it but calling the police is a bit drastic!!

FarFromAnyRoad · 12/04/2015 11:04

Did the 'call the Police' person even read the thread?

Imagine dialling 999 and telling them your DH is pissed off about a birthday card and acting like a dick. The only possible answer is not whether to send a response vehicle but how many and how quickly!
What utter tosh!

AmyElliotDunne · 12/04/2015 11:06

Your H is a dick.

I can't add more than everyone else has already said -

stiff - "I am trying to imagine him being mad at me for sorting out his mum's Mothers Day present if he forgot, but I can't imagine anything but him being relieved and saying thanks!"

Gin - "YANBU though and it's not your responsibility to remind and encourage him just because you have a vagina."

jassy "He needs the strong message that he is making this all about himself, rather than realising that it's how his dad feels that matters."

and Amanda's very amusing take on it

AmyElliotDunne · 12/04/2015 11:07

I think Hissy mentioned police as this man is obviously very controlling and people with experience of men like this know that they can turn quickly. Perhaps a bit premature, but as OP has not been back since 'making' her H furious about this, her safety is a concern for those of us who have been at the mercy of a domineering controlling man with no sense of perspective.

chockbic · 12/04/2015 11:10

Why is it your fault if he forgets?

CMOTGilbertBlythe · 12/04/2015 11:10

What a sulky child.

Don't cancel the card, an 85 year old man would be hurt if he didn't receive a card on his birthday from his DS and family.

Your issue isn't the card, it's your childish H.

Topseyt · 12/04/2015 11:12

Just imagining this making the list of weird and wacky calls to the emergency services. You know the ones the newspapers like to publish every so often.

OP dials 911 (on holiday in Florida) to say "help, my husband isn't speaking to me because I remembered his 85 year old Dad's birthday and he didn't."

redskybynight · 12/04/2015 11:16

I think it's down to how you expressed "your frustration and disappointment". Did you say "Oh that's a shame" and then change the subject, or did you go into a rant about you reminded him, he always forgets things, why is it always left to you, he is so inconsiderate ...

Because if you did it the second way I can see why DH is pissed off, and it's nothing to do with the card. It's to do with infantalising him.

For what it's worth, DH's parents set a huge store by cards, and if I'd realised he'd forgotten to send anything, I'd be leaving it to him to sort out BECAUSE HE IS A PERFECTly CAPABLE ADULT AND I WILL THEREFORE TREAT HIM LIKE ONE, rather than moaning at him, organising other cards etc etc.

Icimoi · 12/04/2015 11:16

Your husband is being an idiot, but I don't get why you sent the card if he'd asked you not to? After all, with a few days to go to the birthday he probably planned to organise something today or tomorrow.

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