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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think she was being judgy

86 replies

kent43 · 12/04/2015 00:00

So I have 3 dc and I have done a combination of breast and bottlefeeding. My 3rd dd has always been a cosleeper (only way I could function next day) and I still breastfeed her at 28 months. She does rely on it fo both nutrition and comfort and hope she will wean in her own time.
Anyway various family members have been getting quite judgy about saying she doesn't need it etc etc.
Anyway this weekend we saw my brother and his wife. They have one child who is 18 month old and is the extended families perfect child. Ie she has the perfect routine, slept though the night from very young etc. Even dh will say to our dd that your cousin does this so you should be able to etc etc.
So sil expressed surprise that I was still breastfeeding. I commented that she still needed it but she argued that I could stop if I wanted to and I was clearly doing it for me.
I was a little taken aback so didn't really respond.
was she being judgy or am I just oversensitive?
Her dd has a dummy btw so both little ones have thtir preferred mode of comfort.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 12/04/2015 00:03

Yes she is judging you because some people think breastfeeding beyond a year is odd. Don't let it get to you.
No one can force a child to breast feed.

WorraLiberty · 12/04/2015 00:03

Yes she was being judgy

But at almost 2 and a half years old, she's right that your DD doesn't need it for nutrition. However if it gives you both comfort, that's your own business and nothing to do with anyone else.

Tutteredboast · 12/04/2015 00:06

Up to you what you do, so none of her business and certainly not her place to comment.
Also up to you whether you find it upsetting.
Just say, "isn't it interesting how we all do things differently and can talk about it without being judgey."

reni1 · 12/04/2015 00:09

Judgy? No idea, I think it's quite normal to judge lots of things, that's how one decides what is the right thing to do (for oneself of course). Her DC doesn't 'need' a dummy nor does yours 'need' breastfeeding. I have a 7yo I stay with so she'll go to sleep. She does not need that, but it works. Maybe it's for me. Wouldn't bother me if someone told me that.

EstRusMum · 12/04/2015 00:13

Agree to reni.

happy2bhomely · 12/04/2015 00:14

Breast milk is nutritious. It doesn't stop being nutritious when baby is one, it just becomes part of a combination of foods. I breast fed until 20 months. I did it because my baby needed it for nutrition, thirst and comfort. I weaned when I was ready, not when dd was ready. She would have carried on, but I wanted to stop, so I did.

Just try to ignore the comments and do what you know is right for you and your baby and suggest politely that they do the same for theirs.

happy2bhomely · 12/04/2015 00:16

Okay, fair enough. My baby wanted it for nutrition, thirst and comfort. Either way, it certainly felt like a need when she was screaming for itSmile

WorraLiberty · 12/04/2015 00:18

No-one said breast milk isn't nutritious.

Just that a 2 and a half year old toddler doesn't need it for nutrition.

Comfort, yes.

LittleIda · 12/04/2015 00:25

Next time you see her mirror her judginess back to her. Express surprise that her dd still has a dummy and say she could stop if she wanted her to and SIL is clearly dummying her up for her own convenience and not for the baby's sake.

mommabear12 · 12/04/2015 00:34

I really do wish that parents would just let each other get with it! We all have our own ways of parenting and there are a million different ways to do it so why don't we just leave each other to get on with it?

Because we are all insecure and putting others down makes us feel "right". Some people are squeamish about seeing a bigger child on a breast and they think it's because the mum wants to keep the child as a baby. It just makes them feel better about their own squeamishness to tell themselves the mum is "wrong".

Please don't feel that their child is in any way more "perfect" than yours. You do not know what happens behind closed doors and they will certainly have had struggles of their own. If they have resorted to using a dummy that suggests they have had difficulties in settling her at some point. So please do not allow DH to keep comparing your daughter to her cousin. She is doing fine as she is and so are you.

textfan · 12/04/2015 00:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinningwobble · 12/04/2015 06:28

I am always startled by attitudes to breastfeeding in this country. My nephew still breastfreeds at nearly 3 and this is treated with revulsion by almost everyone. This would be quite normal in some countries.

OP YANBU. Don't worry, just do what works for your DC and you.

Original poster
kent43 · 12/04/2015 06:57

Thank you

OP posts:
PrettyLittleMitty · 12/04/2015 07:03

I agree with her that a 2.5 year old does not need to be bf for nutrition. But, she should have kept her opinions to herself, what you choose to do with your DC is your business.

Original poster
kent43 · 12/04/2015 07:15

I agree she needs it for comfort but it is still providing her with nutrition and valuable antibodies so perhaps thst was wrongly worded.

OP posts:
Original poster
kent43 · 12/04/2015 07:20

I get the same pinning. I find myself trying to distact her if out at groups etc because of comments. (Except lovely breastfeeding group I go to) Think who says 2 and beyond.
this not thst

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 12/04/2015 07:37

If you BF a 2yo you will get comments, both positive and negative because it's unusual in the UK.

I don't think you were being judged...what is there to judge?

RickOShay · 12/04/2015 07:41

Kent, ibf dd until she was 3. I didn't manage so long with my other dc, and now wish I had, enjoy this time and don't worry about other people. Flowers

Original poster
kent43 · 12/04/2015 07:42

I wouldn't comment though on her choice to use follow on milk which according to hcp is just marketing hype and a waste of money. Milk and vitamin drops do the same job and are cheaper.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 12/04/2015 07:46

I don't think you were being judged...what is there to judge?

I think there was clear judgement/criticism on the part of the SIL. The accusation that the OP is breastfeeding for her own benefit and that the child was gaining nothing.

she argued that I could stop if I wanted to and I was clearly doing it for me.

SoupDragon · 12/04/2015 07:48

Console yourself with the thought that at least breastfeeding is nutritious, unlike a dummy, and remain silent on the matter.

youarekiddingme · 12/04/2015 07:59

Is anyone completely ultuistic bough?!

So your DD needs/wants BF for comfort or whatever.
You give it because it makes things easier for you too.

I expect she gives the dummy for the same reasons.

Being a parent do not mean we can't do things that are good for dcs but also help us too.

SoupDragon · 12/04/2015 08:04

However, being a nice person means you shut the fuck up about stuff other parents do and don't make judgemental comments. :)

SandysMam · 12/04/2015 08:12

You sound like a lovely mummy doing the best you can to get some sleep and function!! You might find though that she had problems to feed or a bad experience and is a bit jealous hence the comments. Or maybe she is just a bit of a dick in which case take comfort in the fact that she is a bit of a dick and repeat in your head to drown out any future comments Grin Enjoy your little one and don't let this get you down Flowers

Waltonswatcher · 12/04/2015 08:20

My dd is bf and she's three. I believe she gains nutritionally and I'll state she needs it .
Saying that an older child doesn't need it isn't helpful . Yes they won't starve or fail to grow, but all the evidence states that the benefits are very much there. Why belittle this by stating they don't need it?
All the consultants in my dds life have praised the extended breast feeding - you don't hear them picking over words that have negative overtones like 'need'.