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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think she was being judgy

86 replies

kent43 · 12/04/2015 00:00

So I have 3 dc and I have done a combination of breast and bottlefeeding. My 3rd dd has always been a cosleeper (only way I could function next day) and I still breastfeed her at 28 months. She does rely on it fo both nutrition and comfort and hope she will wean in her own time.
Anyway various family members have been getting quite judgy about saying she doesn't need it etc etc.
Anyway this weekend we saw my brother and his wife. They have one child who is 18 month old and is the extended families perfect child. Ie she has the perfect routine, slept though the night from very young etc. Even dh will say to our dd that your cousin does this so you should be able to etc etc.
So sil expressed surprise that I was still breastfeeding. I commented that she still needed it but she argued that I could stop if I wanted to and I was clearly doing it for me.
I was a little taken aback so didn't really respond.
was she being judgy or am I just oversensitive?
Her dd has a dummy btw so both little ones have thtir preferred mode of comfort.

OP posts:
DrankSangriaInThePark · 12/04/2015 08:27

You'll have your day OP....Wink I see far more 4 yr olds wandering around with dummies than I do still bf.
I wonder if your relations have realised it's much easier generally to stop an older child bf (because the child decides themselves usually) than it is to get rid of a dummy?

SanityClause · 12/04/2015 08:35

I think your DH is buying into the family narrative that his niece is the "golden child".

Those comparisons are not helpful. He probably does it because it is what he is used to in his family, and thinks it is normal and okay. It isn't.

My DH was always compared unfavourably to his entire family of 8 cousins (on one side). So, while he is an only child, he still got to be the scape goat.

He started with the unfavourable comparisons when DC1 was about 2 or 3. I just told him it wasn't acceptable or fair, and to stop it. Which he did.

Original poster
kent43 · 12/04/2015 09:06

Yes unfortunately dh mum does this. Our 1st child is favoured over our more challenging 2nd.

OP posts:
reni1 · 12/04/2015 10:28

I think we need to relax about being judged. We are all judged as soon as we leave the house. Extended BFers judge early formula feeding, find it wrong and don't do it and the rude ones will say so. Same for people weaning earlier. Well done OP for not saying what you think of dummies in toddlers, but think it you did. As a polite person you'd rather bite off your tongue than say it.

Welshmaenad · 12/04/2015 10:40

Children need nutrition.

Breast milk provides nutrition, at any age. As does broccoli, but you get down them whatever they'll tolerate, don't you? And if that's breast milk, they need breast milk.

Andanotherthing123 · 12/04/2015 11:14

It must be supremely irritating for you to be judged by SIL and dh. I'd ignore SIL and tell dh to be supportive or keep his opinions to himself.

You are bf your child-it's just another aspect of being a parent and it works for you and dd. End of.

freezation · 12/04/2015 14:26

So let's not judge people using dummies then. Works both ways (not saying you did this OP). She was wrong to pass comment. Let's just all get on with bringing up our babies and not worry how other people do things.

Original poster
kent43 · 12/04/2015 14:56

I have no reason to judge dummy use as my 1st child had one and even my youngest did for a little while in neonatal unit. Neither do I judge formula use as I had to mix feed at the start and my 1st child was bottlefed due to lack of support.
live and let live is how I feel.

OP posts:
quietbatperson · 12/04/2015 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dutch1e · 12/04/2015 18:59

Whenever I read about 'older children' being breastfed I think of the article by an expat mama who was a bit pitied by her new community because she stopped breastfeeding her 3 year old and was constantly hearing "Too young to stop the milk, that poor baby!" Extended breastfeeding is a cultural concept, not a biological one.

I'm sorry for your SIL that she has so little understanding of the wider world, and so little grace. Feed for 5 days, 5 years, or not at all. It's no-one's business but yours.

TwoOddSocks · 12/04/2015 20:08

She was being judgy. Breastmilk is great nutritionally, of course if she gets a good diet the difference it makes will be much less now at 28 months than at 8 weeks old but it's still good for her. It's great for comfort too, if her DD is happy with a dummy good for her, yours is a happy with a boob in her mouth.

I really hate this pitting tiny babies/toddlers against each other. Of course we all want a baby that sleeps through the night and eats whatever you put in from to of them but labelling one child as worse than another because they're higher needs is incredibly unpleasant.

MissDuke · 12/04/2015 20:33

Maybe it is for you a bit too, do you enjoy bf? Who cares though, it benefits her greatly, so if it benefits you too then surely that's a win-win situation :-) People like her will always find something to judge others for, it really isn't worth paying any attention to.

sykadelic · 12/04/2015 20:44

Some people find it weird for a walking and talking human with teeth to be sucking at your breast, especially when that person is able to eat other food and drink other liquids (as opposed to when younger they're more restricted).

She was definitely being judgy. It's the breast involved part that bothers her I'm sure. If she found out you expressed and fed it to your child in a bottle it would be a different response.

Ultimately your child does not "need" breastmilk at this age, especially straight from your breast. You could stop her from breast feeding, you could switch to a different method of comfort but you're choosing not to. That is your choice and not one that hurts your child. If it was a choice that hurt your child then fair enough her telling you that.

How you move forward is up to you. I would take it that she's offended by it and for your own comfort and family peace, I wouldn't do it in front of her and I would avoid any talk about it.

slithytove · 12/04/2015 20:55

Bet she would be ok with your dd having breast milk from another mammal. Clearly it's just yours which is a problem. Hmm

Judgy and nothing needed to be said, therefore swbu.

Goldmandra · 12/04/2015 20:55

She is the product of a society that sees boobs as sexual objects first and foremost and tolerates them being borrowed by tiny babies for the first few months of life. The more people BF openly for longer, the more it will become the norm and the fewer people with make these odd and inappropriate judgements.

Your baby needs the nutrition she is getting from your BM just as much as hers needs that which she gets from the follow on milk. BFing isn't a bad habit that needs to be stopped by a certain age and it's ridiculous to talk about it like that.

Some people need to put others down in order to validate their own decisions. Maybe she's just one of those.

HumphreyCobbler · 12/04/2015 21:00

The whole idea that feeding an older child is for the mother's benefit is so strange. I am feeding my 18 month old. HE wants to feed at night so I let him. I get nothing emotional from feeding him apart from the satisfaction of meeting his needs. TBH I would rather stop as I think my boobs may shrink a bit when I am no longer feeding, but this doesn't seem a good enough reason at the moment, also I can't be bothered with the fuss.

I am definitely feeding him for him, not me!

Sailwithmeawayhoney · 12/04/2015 21:03

Quite judgemental of your sil to say that you are doing it for yourself. It implies that you are bf to fulfil your own gown up needs, which paints you in a negative and questionable light. All dc are different and have different needs. I am bf dd2 who is 26 months old. She needs it and wants it, it's definitely a comfort to her and very important, she loves it. I feel a bit ambiguous about it sometimes as I don't like not blending in with the crowd but it's what we do and what works for us as a family at the moment. I am quite keen on weaning her soon though as I am growing a bit tired of it, plus she is heavy. Never thought I'd Bf this long (bf dd1 till 14 months) but it is really very delightful and an interesting and lovely experience (she put on her purple sunglasses today before a feed, which looked hilarious). I'm sure lots of people can't relate to it but equally some people find toddlers wearing dummies or pre-school dc still in nappies 'offensive'. It's all very ridiculous. As long as the parents try to understand and meet their dc important needs, it's all horses for courses imo.

You sound a bit put out by your sil's 'perfect' child, which is understandable but they will have their problems during other stages, no child is without his or her challenges. Your sil though sounds ignorant and unsupportive. I'd try and stay clear or definitely raise above her judgmental remarks. Have a Wine and relax Smile.

hobNong · 12/04/2015 21:11

I really do wish that parents would just let each other get with it!

Hear, hear!

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 12/04/2015 21:12

Yeah she was judgey but she was also showing she's thick as.

Be grateful you're not her. Especially when she has a second baby who is either more challenging or pfb starts acting up for attention... because it's perfectly natural and normal for that to happen and a bit of a shock to know-it-all McSmug-bastards. I should know, I was one Wink

Auntieveronica · 12/04/2015 21:16

The uk have quite a miserably low uptake of breastfeeding and extended breast feeding. It's such a shame as it's such a lovely special thing to do. And yes to milk as antibodies, nutrition, drink and comfort.

I think your parenting styles are polar opposite. She's possibly more super nanny come Annabel Carmel come gina ford. You're doing attachment parenting, which works well in other ways

TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/04/2015 21:19

Yes she was judging. But she is wrong. You keep it up as long as it suits you and your child.

Only1scoop · 12/04/2015 21:20

Yes she was being judgey....to be honest I probably would be slightly also. Wouldn't say anything to you though.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 12/04/2015 21:24

Id just respond "your child drinks milk, yes? We all drink milk. It just so happens that my dc drinks the milk in my fucking tits you judgemental cowbag"

SpringBreaker · 12/04/2015 21:32

"Bet she would be ok with your dd having breast milk from another mammal. Clearly it's just yours which is a problem. hmm"

She would be drinking it from a cup though, not straight off the animal.

I think when a child is old enough to hold a cup and probably get their own drink (which most 2.5yo's can) then that's how they should be drinking milk.

pinningwobble · 12/04/2015 21:35

Spring breaker but why? What logical reason do you have behind that?