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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I'm just a shit parent?

54 replies

NorksWar · 11/04/2015 22:23

My son is 4. During the day he is (mostly) an angel and a pleasure to be around. But at night he won't fucking sleep.

He will sleep (sometimes after a short battle) if DH puts him to bed, but usually then wakes up several times and DH sleeps soundly through the crying. DH works shifts and when he's on nights DS won't sleep for me. People tell me I'm obviously not strict enough but tonight I've walked him back to bed every 5 mins since 7.30pm and he's still crying. He has been known to literally cry from 7.30pm until 7.30am. I've had 4 years of sleep deprivation and lost count of the number of car crashes I've had. I just feel like such a bad mother. I've also got 2 year old twins who have never been a problem.

OP posts:

Brandysnapper · 11/04/2015 22:29

Does he talk? Can he tell you what he wants? Is he just bored, lonely, cold or whatever?
You certainly have your work cut out for you with 3 young children! I hope the car crash thing is a joke though, if you're really too tired to be safe you shouldn't drive, you could kill yourself (or someone else).
My three year old wakes regularly but I just let him come to bed with me, which is what he wants. I realise that approach won't work for everyone.

Brandysnapper · 11/04/2015 22:30

What would happen if you let him stay up/went in with him, rather than the return-to-bed approach you're currently using?

MrsFlannel · 11/04/2015 22:31

I'm the same as Brandy and just let my 7 year old come to bed with me...it's probably twice a week now but when she was 4 it was every night!

wearenotinkansas · 11/04/2015 22:33

could you not let him sleep in your bed with you, you could move him into his own bed when he is sound.

Or could you put a mattress on the floor in his room and sleep there with him?

Sounds exhausting

Jackieharris · 11/04/2015 22:40

7.30 is a early bedtime.
Try adjusting it to 9pm.
Some kids just don't need so much sleep.

BifsWif · 11/04/2015 22:40

You aren't a bad mother.

Has he ways been a bad sleeper? Do you have quiet time before bed? My DS was the same, and still isn't great, but we had a set routine of bath, story, a chat and sleep. Through all of this we'd tell him what would happen next, eg next we're going to brush our teeth/have our story/get in bed etc . We also bought a star chart and once he got ten stars for staying in bed he got to pick a treat. It was fucking hard, and I'm not sure sleeping next to him would have helped - Id just have to break that pattern eventually too. I really sympathise

Partyringer · 11/04/2015 22:43

You've got a 4 year old and two year old twins. That alone is a tough tough gig. And you don't slunf like a shit parent at all, not one bit.

Partyringer · 11/04/2015 22:43

Slunf? Typo for *shit

Ratfinkandbobo · 11/04/2015 22:45

You're not a shit parent, but a knackered one when dh on nights I would let him sleep/ lie in your bed, just so you can get some sleep. I have twins too and that's knackering even if you do get sleep! If I were you I'd do whatever just sleep!

siblingrevelryagain · 11/04/2015 22:45

Give yourself some breathing space to take stock and get physically and mentally strong. Give in for an easy life for now-whatever that looks like (putting him to bed in his own room but allowing him to then sleep with you, or just allowing him to sleep with you from the start if that's what he wants. You have a small advantage of your DH working nights so there shouldn't always be three of you in the bed!).

As long as you and DH agree and know it's short term, and have a future plan to tackle it then I think you should pick your battles, and this is one thAt can wait another few months when you don't feel so tired and things don't feel so bleak. For now you'll all be sleeping better, his ability to communicate (and yours to reward/threaten) will be improving all the while as he gets older so you might be in a better place to put a plan of action in place. Either that or you can research recommended sleep methods to employ for when you're strong enough.

I wish you well

kewtogetin · 11/04/2015 22:48

Have you had him checked for asthma? This happened with my nephew. Never slept a night in his own room, constantly waking up crying. Turns out he's asthmatic, and laying down falling asleep made his chest extremely tight which in turn woke him up crying. He had a steroid inhaler which has worked wonders but this happened after night for 6 years.

SummerHouse · 11/04/2015 22:48

Bloody hell.

You are not a bad mother in the slightest. This is torture. I am so sorry for you. I don't think there is anything you can do but weather it. Unless someone can have him for you the odd night? You need and deserve a break. Book yourself into a hotel if needs be. I have nothing to offer but virtual .

DougalTheCheshireCat · 11/04/2015 22:52

Have you had him medically assessed? A friend of mines son was like this, turned out that he doesn't make melatonin (the hormone that makes you sleep). He was prescribed that and it changed their world.

DisappointedOne · 11/04/2015 22:56

Don't think my 4 year old has ever gone to sleep at 7:30pm - and she'd probably kick off if I tried! She's just not tired that early.

Partyringer · 11/04/2015 23:00

I've pm'd you but just wanted to add, I let my oldest one get away with stuff that the twins would never even try, because I felt so guilty for having them so close together and I felt bad for constantly saying "just wait whilst I deal with the babies." The guilt was the bit that floored me when the twins were born. Just wondered were you going through a similar thing?

foreverton · 11/04/2015 23:11

My 4 year old dd is lying in bed still awake. Fab routine, been out to soft play today busy busy then at winding down time tonight we had a flurry of visitors and she got a second wind.
Am at my wits end! Hugs to you, you're NOT a shit parent.

Dd slept from weeks old 7-7, I'm getting pay back now:)
From around 3 and a half she never seems tired and Gets up around 9.30/10 am. I'm worried for September when she starts school, health visitor suggested a sleep clinic and I'm seriously considering it.
Good luck..

Fleecyleesy · 11/04/2015 23:31

I'd let him sleep in your bed. We did this when my DS was that age. It won't be forever but he's just a little kid wanting his mum and IMO it's the only way for the whole household to sleep. Have you got the twins in together? Perhaps they feel comfortable having the other one in with them but your eldest is all alone whilst you and dh are together. I have twin siblings. I often slept on their bedroom with them or with my parents. Both my dc (7 and 9) like sleeping in my bed occasionally when DH has to stay away for work. Usually they sleep in their own rooms.

BertieBotts · 11/04/2015 23:37

Oh bless you. If you've managed to get two year old twins to sleep then you're clearly not shit!

I'm sure we can help you troubleshoot and come up with various convoluted plans and ideas until one works.

What does he want when he wakes up? Company? Entertainment? Reassurance that you're still there? Is he having nightmares? Growing pains? Scared of the dark? Would he walk through to you rather than crying out for you to come to him? (Obv him climbing into your bed isn't the best solution but might be less disturbing to your sleep and long term, it's a lot more effort for him, and he's more likely to eventually decide it's not worth the bother, especially when he knows that he COULD come and find you if he wanted to.)

siblingrevelryagain · 12/04/2015 17:25

How was last night OP?

Pastaagain78 · 12/04/2015 20:07

You aren't shit, let him sleep with you.

BettyBoblin · 12/04/2015 20:24

Sleep together until he grows up a bit more? You really aren't shit.

DextersMistress · 12/04/2015 20:30

Op I feel for you as my 4 yo is exactly the same. I've tried every trick in the book without success, I've had to give in for my own sanity. I just let him in with us. It's not ideal, sometimes 2yo wakes up and joins us as well, then either dp or I will get into one of their beds. Honestly, it's not worth the battle. You'll get a much better sleep just letting him do what he wants for now and let him grow out of it.
for you, you're definitely not shit.

Purplepoodle · 12/04/2015 20:49

On the short term I'd stick him in my bed and lie with him reading or mumsnetting if it means you get some sleep.

Iv had to sleep train my last two children and honestly it's took a solid month each time of returning to bed with no talking ect. If I let them away once with staying downstairs or coming into my bed Iv had to start the process again. Children are determined little buggers.

Original poster

NorksWar · 12/04/2015 21:21

Thank you for all the replies. I actually put off coming back to the thread today as I was tired and emotional and was expecting criticism.

To answer some of the questions, he has never slept well. Firstly due to colic, then sleep apnoea, night terrors, all of which he's grown out of. He'd a good talker and will say he's scared of being on his own/gets lonely, but occasionally will say 'I'm going to be a good boy for you!' and will sleep.

He dropped off at midnight last night, and has gone to sleep tonight at 9pm. I've always aimed for 7.30 as that seems to suit him best but that does vary.

I'm absolutely amazed that so many of you let your LOs in with you. Everyone I speak to in real life is horrified when I say I sometimes give in and sleep in his bed with him/on is floor or let him in my bed.

I think that is my problem, I'm constantly battling with what I think is best (I'd just co sleep if I had my way), and what everyone else tells me I should do. That makes me inconsistent in how I deal with him and I don't think the poor little bugger knows whether he's coming or going.

I think I will stop the battle and just let him in with me every time he wants to. If that doesn't work I will look at the medical issues as suggested.

Thanks so much to everyone.

OP posts:

MonstrousRatbag · 12/04/2015 21:29

I've no helpful advice to post, sorry. I just wanted to say you are certainly NOT a shit parent, please don't think that you are.

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