To ask if you had a 'difficult' baby....

[Totality22]

.... And ask you for coping strategies!!!!

DD is 11 weeks and as amazing as she is, my God is hard fucking work!!!!

She doesn't sleep well, she is prone to periods of inconsolable crying, she isn't happy unless she is being held and she generally just doesn't seem very happy.

I've ruled out anything medical and some days are worse than others.

I guess I am just looking for a little solidarity and some reassurance it gets easier

Babies are very badly designed. Mine were just a mass of unhappiness for at least the first nine months. I remember being very envious of contented babes - mine very rarely were, unless they were asleep. Once they started talking and being a bit more independent things started looking up and 30 years later they remain utterly delightful.

I had a difficult one. In retrospect, he had reflux. It wasn't really recognised 21 years ago and because he was ebf and thriving, everyone assured me he was fine. He probably threw up twice as much milk as he kept down, he never slept and screamed if I put him down.

What would've helped? Just chilling with him and letting things go for a couple of months; I tried to be superwoman. A sling would've been good too.

He was much better when he could crawl around a bit, (fortunately an early crawler) and eat some solid food. My next three were little lambs, an absolute doddle.

My dd2 was hard work because I expected her to be like dd1, who had been perfectly happy to be put down to sleep, enjoyed being in the pram, etc. Dd2 was completely different, she liked being held and hated being put down flat on her back so the pram was like a torture device for her.

Once she was old enough to sit up a bit (supported) she was much happier. For about the first 4 months she spent the majority of her time either being fed or in the sling, then she was old enough to go into a sitting up pushchair rather than a flat pram and suddenly it was easier to get out, she would happily sit propped up to watch me doing chores, etc.

So about 4 months she got easier (stopped sleeping about then though), then just as she was getting more interesting I had to go back to work :(

Yes, DS1 was very similar. When awake he would cry most of the time, not smiley at all. We went down the whole route of reflux, paed referral etc and nothing seemed to make any difference.
He improved slightly (but not significantly) when I stopped bfing at 16wks, things get much better at 1 when he started walking.
He's now 8 and very normal, although he can be quite sensitive at times, but generally he's a really lovely pleasant little boy.

Anyway there were certain things that helped.

Hunger made a big difference, make sure food is on hand as soon as she wakes.

I put DS in a little nursery from 4 month, just a couple of mornings a week, basically he then cried t them for 3 hrs rather than me. And I had a break.

We also had this awful huge swing thing, which kept him quiet longer enough for us to eat.

At the weekends when he was really bad dh and I just took it in turns to look after him, so at least we both got a break.

On the plus side ds2 and dd were very very easy babies....hope things improve.

MY theory is that those difficult babies become really easy toddlers, DD was one, a nightmare until 3 months, then a lovely toddler. DS was an easier baby but is definitely more difficult now

DC1 sounds very like your DD. I bought Dr Sears' Fussy Baby Book and kept it in the bathroom to read when I was on the loo. It didn't help practically but it made me feel less alone (all my friends had much more laid-back babies) and the last chapter was full of anecdotes from people whose difficult/fussy babies had grown into delightful adults.

He got a lot happier as he got more mobile (I think he was frustrated a lot before then) and fortunately was an early walker.

DC2 was smiley laid-back angelic baby and I remember thinking "ah, this is what it was like for everyone else last time..."

Now difficult-baby DC1 is charming 10yo and angel-baby DC2 is complete stropmonster 7yo.

Oh yes, my elder one is two as well, even with easier DS2 I do constantly feel I'm not getting enough time with him, it's hard.

My dd had colic. She cried all day and refused to feed more than an ounce at a time. The first 6 months were really hard. The one thing that helped was a sling. Id recommend one of the ethnic types that wrap baby to your body. Other than that, just go with her. If she only wants to sleep on you then let her. It will pass. My dd is 3.8 and brilliant. All of the calm babies from the mother and toddler groups have been far more difficult as toddlers than my lovely dd. I'm sure it has no correlation but it is nice to enjoy my lovely dd after a crap start.

I am assuming she sleeps when tilted ie in a sling or raised pram - so not so much being held but head above stomach? She has heart burn made worse everytime u try to put her down. Put a towel under her mattress use a pillow when changing bum etc - you`ll notice a difference in 2 days. She will sleep better so not so grumpy

I had a very screamy first baby. My nerves were frazzled.

My tips.
This is not your fault/ inadequate parenting. You aren't doing it wrong.

If you have to hold your baby all day for her to settle it does not mean she will never sleep without you or settle without you until she is one/two/twenty/insert horror story.

It gets easier, and better.

If I could go back, I would query reflux, although think you have done this, and get a fabric sling. I had a Kari Me for DV2 and I think DC1 would have loved it in hindsight. I had a Baby Bjorn, but it was more functional. Fabric slings are much more snuggly.

Also, going from DC1 to DC2 was a doddle by comparison.

Are you absolutely sure baby is getting enough milk? My second was clingy/wouldn't sleep except on me until I worked out he wasn't getting enough milk at feeds. It also helped to space them out a bit - ie not let him snack but have proper feeds as that makes the discomfort worse.

Our DC2 frequently screamed like she was in agony if she wasn't being held or interacted with. Turned out some of the crying was because she was tired, but she was fighting sleep.

We only figured this out when she was 7 months old, and we used to have to let her cry to wind down to sleep.

We too had a shock to the system as we also had an easy first baby. Really doesn't prepare you for a hard work one.

My baby was 'difficult' and had nothing wrong with her.
Gently massaging her tummy helped a little bit, but at about 16 weeks she just stopped crying as much.
I really feel for you, it is so hard.

My ds was like this. His collarbone was broken during his birth so was undoubtably in pain for his first few weeks of life. He continued to cry constantly unless feeding or during his half hour long sleep sessions til he was about 4 months, he remained grizzly til about 9 months when he learned to walk & he's been the most contented child since (age 13 now). I think it was initially pain from the fracture, then became just the way life was for him, followed by frustration & boredom until he could start moving about & doing his own thing. He hated being put on his front & learned to crawl a couple of weeks before walking, hated it though & would crawl round with an angry expression while grumbling & crying the whole time. He wasa difficult baby, Dd was a doddle by comparison!

Our son would literally not sleep unless I was holding him. Ever. He's 14 now and much loved. Sadly, he's also an only because there was no written guarantee that our next one would be easier and despite wanting more (still do ) I just can't. None of that is helpful to you though. Honestly, the only thing I can recommend is go with it because everything passes.

My second (of three) was a total nightmare. Constant, very loud crying. Would only sleep for a maximum of 2 hours until the age of 6 months. Would ONLY be consoled by me and no one else. He's now 7 and, since getting through that baby stage, has been the most delightful, adorable, easy child you can imagine.....so he started off hellish but has made up for it in bucketloads ever since - he's gorgeous!

Yep, DD was a horror until somewhere between 16-20 weeks when she started to settle down. She'd only nap for about 40 mins a day from about 8.45am. On a good day the inconsolable whining/crying would start at 2.30pm, on a bad day she'd be on the case by 11am & would keep going until I started bedtime routine at 6pm.

By 5 months we were both a lot calmer & she has largely been a treasure ever since, although she's coming up 11 now and the hormones are kicking in, so I guess I should brace myself for Round 2 !

Oh my goodness, yes. DD1 was so difficult, even now (7 years later) the childminder shudders when she remembers. But she started to turn a corner at around 12 weeks old, when she gained the coordination to reach out for things that she wanted.

We had a Tiny Love play arch for her pram and car seat and a play gym on the floor, that started to occupy her for short periods, when she would reach out to touch the toys. She also liked to bath in a tummy tub (like a bucket) where she could sit upright, so I would put her in there as often as possible.

You're nearing the end of the worst bit. When she begins to sit up and can see further, she'll take more interest in the world around her and will probably take a break from screaming every now and again.

I don't have anything enormously useful to say but just wanted to offer support. DS was hard bloody work in the early days and it used to break my heart because I thought people were writing him off as a miserable grumpy baby (looking back I may have had my rationality wiped out by hormones!) However every time he managed to do something that made him a little more independent eg rolling, sitting up etc he'd get happier. He is an absolute delight now at a year old and seems to laugh at anything and everything! He's into EVERYTHING so I honestly think he just found being a newborn as frustrating as I did having one! I know it's another post saying wait it out I'm sorry but hopefully not much longer to wait!

Oh yes.

Non breast feeder so ebf, with colic.

Then reflux baby with colic. Some days all he did was cry and sleep (more crying, less sleeping).

It passed. They are now the most beautiful, funny, kind, clever boys you will ever meet and I have a lump in my throat just writing this.

op. Enjoy any snatched moment of joy you can and you will find more and more of those as time passes.

My dd was one of these I remember posting desperate messages on mm every couple of weeks until she was one despairing of her ever stopping crying or me ever sleeping. She's 5 now and the most amazing funny person, it gets better but it takes time.

Hi op you have my sympathy. You said you have tried dummies but they come in many shapes have you tried a variety? My ds wouldn't take one at first so I bought a range of them and one of them worked a treat. I didn't care about cost - you get to that point though! If bf try nuk from JL. Hth

Lots of ppl swear by cranial osteopath, we didn't try it. I used a boba wrap for my 'difficult baby', it worked to an extent that sometimes I could cook or do some housework or go for a walk. He still didn't sleep at night though, still doesn't 18 months on!!!

Thanks for all the supportive words (and practical advice)

Weirdly co-sleeping makes baby even worse? She seems to sleep best in her chair with me on the sofa right next to her

According to The Wonder Weeks she is due her next leap, and has shown all the signs during the last two so it could be that.

She has currently passed out from all the screaming and I am having a camomile!!

We use Nuk dummies, someone had already told me they are best for BF babies.

She is my last baby so I am trying to savour every moment. DS was an amazing baby and is a pretty good toddler as well - he's going to be a fucking nightmare teenager right?