to be considering cancelling holiday to Spain after Easter behaviour

[thinkingmakesitso]

Dc are 8 and 5 and I split with their father last year after discovering his infidelity. It has obviously been a tough year but he is still very involved in their lives and I suppose things are good now, perhaps even better than could have been expected this time last year.

We had not been abroad since youngest child was a baby, so after receiving a monetary gift from my parents at Christmas I booked for me and the dc to go to Spain in the summer. Having just come back from a short break to see family this Easter (we stayed in a hotel) I am absolutely dreading it and seriously considering not going. It is the unrelentingness (not a word, sorry) of it that gets me. We will be in an apartment, and a small one, so no outside space for ds to go out in (he loves sport) and we will be in a city, not a resort, so the onus will be on me at all times to to entertain with little scope for them to entertain themselves or just 'be'.

Written down that all sounds so much worse than I even thought and I feel like I have made a huge mistake. To add to that the dc are just so silly and I am not really enjoying them much at the moment . It's the silly noises, repeating things I say in a silly voice, constant, and I mean constant, references to poo, bums and wee, awful table manners despite having eaten at the table as a family all their lives, ds2's increasing fussiness with food, ds1 constantly shrieking anytime anything not on his agenda is suggested...I could go on... I have just read the thread on Chat about the 8/9 yr olds playing and it has made me feel shit because they NEVER do anything like that - ds1 is all sport and seems to have no imagination despite getting awards for creative writing at school and ds2 is obsessed with Rainbow Fairies ad spends hours lining up his books and then watching Youtube videos of other children lining up their books - the only time they play together is to shout and shriek about poo and wee - makes me feel like a complete failure. Both are perfect at school btw.

My response seems to be to shout at them and even, today, pull them too roughly and it makes me feel shit and coping with it in a foreign country on my own for a week seems like madness. I don't really have rl support anyway, but won't even have my own space, laptop etc

We went in a greengrocers today and it was beyond me to cope with them - over-loud voices, being silly when putting stuff in the bags, trying to grab stuff- they are not toddlers but I feel like I coped better when they were and now I have just lost my way with them.

To my shame I even told them today that they would not be going to Spain if they carried on, and I know it is wrong to threaten them like that, and nothing they did was really THAT bad - it is more my inability to cope that is the problem.

Sorry for the rant, but AIBU to thing going abroad with them in these circumstances is a really bad idea?

Can I ask why you've booked a city rather than beach?

What difference does it make what country you are in?

It might even break the cycle - eg no books to line up, no YouTube to watch, no "specific" foods to demand (sorry, interpreting fussy eating as being like my DS2 where one brand is ok but another yuck).

Oh sorry - it is a beach with a city and a fabulous place I have been to before. Ds1 is not that fussed about beaches, so I was trying to please them both. I have absolutely no agenda for myself, other than that I successfully manage a holiday they both get something from ...

Hmm, your holiday apartment doesn't sound like the most relaxing - is there any way you could swap for a villa with garden or euro camp place with pool and outdoor space?

OP I really sympathise. I don't think YABU at all and can see why you wouldn't want to take them on the sort of holiday you describe in your OP. Is there any way you could cancel and rebook a holiday that you think you would find easier?

Also, not just for your holiday, but generally it sounds like you have a lot to deal with. Can you get any extra help? I know you say you don't have any RL support, but could your ex maybe help out more?

Honestly I would cancel if I could get my money back, and see how I felt about something by the beach later on.
My 2 are 3 and 5 and so much of what you say resonates with me, the greengrocers trips and the poo talk paticulary. I don't have the answer to how to change this. Sometimes I despair.

I don't think the place where you've booked sounds like a good idea, is there anyway of changing it to somewhere with outside space/a pool? A small apartment in a city with two over excited children could be a disaster, especially with how you're feeling at the moment.

Also ds1 is fussy, he ate 3 mouthful of dinner before I asked him to leave the table ( I was trying a different approach)

Doesn't sound like an ideal holiday with kids who want to run around and act like loons. Could you cancel the accommodation and rent a car to drive to a resort type hotel?

I'm on holiday in Barcelona at the moment - kids are with their dad - and it's lovely for me but I met up with friends with young kids at lunch time and they only arrived yesterday and already look quite harried!

If you can't change it, just go for it but totally go with the flow - parks, beaches, junk food - sod it, you're on holiday. Let it all wash over you (sangria or cava will rinse it off...).

Can I just say, I'm a lone parent, and really felt like you a few years ago, now they are 12 and 6, and we've just had the best Easter holidays I've had, now,that they are just that bit older, and it's all suddenly so much easier. That's the bit to give you hope! Still have to deal with wee and poo jokes at times!

I do find holidays with them both full on, and it is hard. I find shorter breaks easier. They like to be involved in the planning...so I get them kid city guides and get them to choose activities they would like to do. An apartment sounds easier than a hotel...I find them easier to deal with in self catering where we can stick to our routines and I don't have to manage behaviour at breakfast!

We are going to stop in Rome for a few nights in the summer, on the way to my mums house in Italy...so I'm planning for that at the moment...what city are you going to? X

Honestly op it doesn't sound much of a holiday and yanbu to want to cancel this. You could always go much later on, when it's not so much of a nightmare as it is right now. There must be loads to do in your local area.

Just a thought but if you have flexibility around when you go away could you cancel Spain and put the money aside for the time being.

Optimistically, there will be a spell of good weather during the 6-week holidays and you could book a last minute caravan/lodge break at a holiday park - beach, outside space, other children around, evening entertainment. Lots of places also within reach of a city, theme park or other attraction.

It might not be quite as attractive as a Spanish appartment but at 8 and 5 the children would probably have just as good a time (and you would have space to sit down in the evening with a and relax in front of the TV if you want to).

It depends on where you are going in Spain - some cities will be unbearably hot but that means they will have outdoor pools. Don't forget most Spanish families live in flats so they go out to parks and squares for the kids to play. Look for attraction parks, zoos, aquariums, big shopping malls - think airconditioning! - trips on the train to the beach.

Time to get planning - on your own and with the DCs. Get them to earn the activities they want to do. Ditto: pocket money, ice-cream money, window seat on the plane, computer time. Download films to take; fill rucksacks with treats - for when they are good.

It is relentless at times but when it goes well, it is magical.

Gosh- didn't really think everyone would tell me to cancel it . I am sorely tempted, but would lose all the flight money and a bit on the apartment too. Don't know, it's such a waste and both dc are looking forward to it. It is Valencia, which I know to be beautiful and amazing from when I was there years ago, and, having done my research seems to have lots of child-friendly things too.

Just how can I cope with them better?? Am reading When Kids Push Your Buttons and it makes a lot of sense and, tbh, is a lot of stuff I try to do anyway, but I can't work out their agenda, apart from trying their hardest to annoy me...

I feel like they are already at a disadvantage due to our split and they are at a school where a lot of friends go away quite a lot so I just wanted to give them something to talk about that would broaden their outlook a bit, especially ds2's. Now it seems I can't deliver it .

Have you got a friend you can bring along? Helps to have a second adult and more fun in the evenings.

Actually could you not ask their Dad to have them and do the break yourself. I think you need it more than them.

Don't push yourself so hard. You sound like a terrific mum. If you want to go, go, but just enjoy being there and don't expect to achieve too much beyond being in a lovely place. Sometimes just wandering around and looking about is enough. It's surprising, too, what they remember when looking back. Often the most unlikely, least planned things, things you chance on, or just the atmosphere of a place. You are delivering already, be kinder to yourself.

Oooooh, I am very envious. Have you had a look at:
www.cac.es/
www.lovevalencia.com/piscinas-municipales-de-valencia.html
and
www.turisvalencia.es/es/que-visitar-valencia/valencia-con-ninos/planes-con-ninos?

The other reality is lots of Spanish families go on holiday to the coast but leave their other half behind, working, so you won't stand out.

Make sure you have health covered - their system is impressive, so use that if you need to. Would I go to Spain with my two on my own? Definitely. Sounds like you have all had a very hard year; this might be just the fun time you all need to get life back on track. Have a great time.

I think you should go! Just plan. Also UNO card game has been brilliant for pulling us all together...and having a few things like card games and that up your sleeve for waiting for food in resturants really helps! We go away a lot, and the kids love it. You can do it, but organisation is the key. At least with an apartment you can put them in bed and have an hour or two to yourself in the evening! X

Don't cancel. Go with them, go with the flow, and seek out child friendly things to do. Get the children involved with the planning - get on the internet or buy some things to do with children type kids for the area.

And talk to them at a calm time about their behaviour and what you expect from them. Also stress the holiday behaviour requirements.

Do you have any form of behaviour reward/consequence plan in place at the moment?

I think you should go. The change could be ideal for you all, even if it's just a chance to break any negative cycles you've all got into (so easy done).

Can you involve the children in the planning? Give them the task of planning a day together, with the reward of getting to plan (and get) a day each? That was one of the things that worked with my twins. If there is a worst behaved of the two have their day second as you then have a carrot. (Obviously you get to print off the list of places that there is so you still have control and you're not going to get hit with something unexpected).

If you go to the beach then your DS1 is likely to be able to get involved in sport - even if it's just football with some other kids. Will your Ds2 be happy on the beach building forts and castles?

There are some great places in Valencia so you can show your Ds1 the football stadium and where the F1 was and where MotoGP is and iirc there is a spectacular castle (you could easily pull up a fairies story about it).

I would agree about involving them in the planning so they understand where they are going and are engaged, and having a rough schedule in mind too.

If you can get a rhythym to the days it can help I think - kind of 'our cafe for churros and chocolate in the morning' kind of thing. At least not everyone in spain will understand the wee & poo stuff if its still going! Have you tried ignoring it btw, probably much more fun for them when it winds you up.

And congratulations on having got through this year with two lively kids who are doing well at school and still have a good relationship with their dad. That is a brilliant achivement - by all of you. Make sure the kids know how great they have been, and make sure you remember what a great mum you are!

Sit them down, point out that this will be your holiday too and you have expectations re behaviour.

The food thing, well I say on holiday you pick your battles. The behaviour is the main issue so if they can be good, then try and be a little laid back on the food.

Let them sit with you to go through some of the activities they would like to do so they feel they have a part in the planning.

Avoid letting them have gadgets at mealtimes on holiday - it's family time. Take cards, and a couple of travel games.

Don't cancel it. That will just affect their behaviour more.

Have faith in yourself and them.

I'd find out if they could stay instead with family in uk for that week while you go to the apartment in Spain for a well deserved break!

Or make it their choices for the week away but have a definite routine - museums/art galleries cafés etc in morning, lunch somewhere nice, back for a nap/quiet play? then out for dinner and a walk/ice cream then bed? Wine and book on balcony for you while they sleep?