PIL huge drama...family falling apart!

[VexiLexi303]

Need a few outside opinions here girls as this is tearing our family apart.

Background: PILs and I had a great close relationship before DS was born albeit MIL being a bit needy, asking to come out on dates with us/dinner/cinema when it was just the two of us. After DS was born honestly it was like a switch flipped for PILs and me.

Everything they did annoyed me when it came to DS and I constantly felt threatened not without reason though, MIL calling DS her baby/her son, constant photos of them and DS every time they're over, badgering me to babysit/over night stays 2 months after birth, MIL cold calling to our house constantly, FIL telling me that he and MIL were coming to visit and constantly after this, spreading around her family that I had a c section even though I told her not, sounds childish but a few family members of hers are very judgemental and as I had a c section because of mental health reasons I wanted no one knowing anyone about it. I still tried to keep up a good relationship with them for the sake of DP though. To make clear I don't let them babysit because their house is a complete tip, his DM is a hoarding and doesn't clean the house, my main concerns about it are the mold, bedbugs and food strewn over the kitchen counter and floors that could attract rats and if DS gets older and I let him stay he could put anything in his mouth or catch anything, I'm not going to keep him in a bubble but mold can be serious and so can bed bugs The next is a conflict of discipline for when DS is older, MIL believes in hitting children, we don't. She claims she will discipline DS whatever way she likes as he is her GS!

If you've made it this far thank you! But this is where things get serious.

It was coming up to DS's christening and DP and I had agreed that he would sort out and invite his family and I would do the same with mine because of previous circumstances and my situation so I thought things would work out. Oh was I wrong, it was about 4 days away from DS's christening, MIL came to my grandmother's house (since we weren't in ours) to drop by some presents for DS, she does this randomly when we're at home aswell. She chatted with my Grandmother and aunt for a while until the fateful question "Are you looking forward to the christening?" Came up, MIL cheerfully informed my DGM and DA that she would be away on a trip to London on such a date then quickly left which I found odd but I didn't question DP until later. DP's father texted him an hour later saying that MIL came home sobbing and in tears because she would be missing DS's christening. It was in that moment I found out that DP had told no one from his family about the christening date so MIL booked a trip away to shop with her sister. We argued and I asked him how could this have happened ? Why didn't he tell them? He said with all the planning he really did forget and because things were going on at work (personal) and the lack of sleep with DS and overtime combined.

Things escalated when FIL started blaming me and my family for this, saying we had done it on purpose so MIL couldn't attend, that we knew she would be out of town which wasn't true! DP explained it was his fault but that didn't matter, my family and I were forever blamed. Soon after MIL's nieces started posting abuse about me on Facebook, in the space of a few house it had been spread around the family, calling me disgusting and pathetic and belittling me and my family, these girls are older women, not teenagers but I ignored them and went back to talking it through with DP.

This went on and on until another member of their family FIL's niece let's call her Wendy (who I am close with and knew what was going on as we had been texting about it) saw the posts and told the other two nieces to piss off and stop being so childish. This caused a fight between the three nieces, things where things were said and secrets were spilled on purpose to hurt Wendy, Wendy does not like MIL at all and since these were MIL's nieces and FIL doesn't get on with said nieces she assumed MIL had spread this secret around her own family.

She called MIL a child abuser, I'd stayed out of it all until then ur hearing something like that after having DS in the picture I needed to know. I asked Wendy what she meant, she explained to me her own mother had witnessed MIL hit her children across the head for the stupidest reasons such as walking too slow and other things.

I was disgusted and wrecked over the whole situation, what I didn't expect was for MIL to come back to my DGM's house to "talk to me about what Wendy said". She clearly didn't know what exactly Wendy had told me and went on to admit that she had been accused of hitting a child in a previous job but she can't remember if she did and if she did that she is very sorry?! I asked Wendy about this and she said she never knew about it.

Needless to say after this whole situation I can't be around PIL's and I'm even worse off with even thinking about letting them babysit. DP thinks I'm BU...could you all please tell me if I am and what you would do in terms of babysitting and this PIL situation? It's killing DP and I and ruining the moments that are meant to be happy with our first baby.

I think you and you husband need to sit down with his parents and clear the air with some apologies all round. Sounds like things have gotten way out of hand and have a candid conversation about your expectations regarding babysitting and discipline etc.

I can't imagine how hurtful it was for her to find out about the christening like that. You say she is always round and you see a lot of her - surely it would have come up in conversation.

Really can't believe you didn't ever mention christening date to them tbh. irrespective of anything else that was v hurtful and possibly not possible to get over. Ive feeling though that thats what you want.

Agree with prev poster sit down and talk to them but don't start creating difficulties, be honest.

I would not under any circumstances allow her unsupervised contact with my child.

I also think your dp is a big part of the problem here - he isn't protecting you from his abusive relatives and is burying his head in the sand and hoping it will all fix itself.

With that in mind I would cease contact with the ils until your dp is willing to man up and deal with them and also until your mil acknowledges that she does not get to do as she pleases with your child.

I would post in relationships if I were you.
Mil sounds seriously awful and I would keep any contact with her to a complete minimum and on neutral territory.

Your dp needs to fess up to mil and admit it was completely his fault re the christening. Then you go from there

No way would they babysit or be in The same room alone with my ds. They sound like s bunch of nutters. Your dh needs to sort out the christening miscommunication ASAP also. He has to get his head out if the sand.

I would not have any future dealings with these people. Your dh made a mistake, for which you were blamed again and again and they simply would not listen. No one needs this kind of drama; your dh 'forgetting' may have been a frankly pretty understandable avoidance tactic. They sound like nightmares. I would step out of this completely and say all future contact they just need to wait for dh to invite them over. He may 'forget' but who can blame him?

Be very open and public about the fact your DP forgot to invite them, repeat at any given opportunity, he royally fucked up and has to face the consequences. Repeat this every time it comes up, face to face, phone, Facebook... Ignore peripheral family members, random cousins slagging you off are irrelevant.

Write to your PILs explaining you want them to have a relationship with your child. Explain your DP was a muppet to forget the invite. If they agree, start slowly. Any disagreements need to be tackled straight away. If they push for a sleepover say "maybe when he's much older, your house is not baby-proof". Any mention of hitting the child must be answered with "he will not be hit, I will not tolerate such an assault" always follow up with reassurance of their role as GPs.

The thing is, this is your DP's family. His, not yours. Why on earth are you the one doing all the worrying and fretting? If he didn't invite them for whatever reason, it's on him. You should simply state to any of them that ask "You'll have to ask DP about that". It absolutely shouldn't impinge on your happiness with your DS.

I'd happily not see people like that at all. Plenty of families have no contact with parents for one reason or another and they live perfectly happily. You have to work out if you think these people will be a positive influence on your DC, and if not, protect him from them. But you and DP need to work together.

She wouldn't be left alone with a child of mine.

Eup, Faux, DP doesn't think his mother is capable of what she was accused of and any attempt to talk about such things results in a fight, it a goes round and round in a huge circle.

Saoirse, Bam, as I've explained in OP after DS's birth my relationship with PIL's fizzled out. I found it bad for my mental health condition to be around them after this and I left it up to DP to sort out his side of the family so I didn't have to, after everything I made myself scarce around them so no I did not mention the christening date to them because I thought DP already had. No I did not do this on purpose to hurt MIL, I knew how I was around them so I limited my time with them in order to maintain some thing remotely stable, it wasn't my fault DP didn't mention it to them.

PP's, In terms of explaining that DP forgot and he really did, DS is BF and up hourly, I expressed at night so DP could help, they don't believe it and refuse to. When I tried to explain myself about the christening I got told the same thing from FIL, that MIL came back in pieces because of me and my family and that their DS would never forget but he did and I explained that it was his job to invite and sort out his side of the family which FIL said no I should have been doing as well, maybe so but with how things started off after birth of DS I knew it wouldn't be wise for my health so I trusted DP.

To make it clear, they are not banned from seeing DS, they come round two days a week to see him and that has not stopped even after all this. During these visits I make myself scarce or just, rude yes but better than being hounded about over night stays after I've said no and knowing rightly that they don't want me there.

They sound horrendous op and I wouldn't be letting my dcs anywhere near them.

Your dp needs to seriously have a word with them to clear the air and set future boundaries. If he won't then I'd be tempted to go non contact.

I actually cannot get over the fact that your DH forgot to invite his entire family. Sorry I don't care how tired you are, that's not normal.

I think the root of the issues lies much closer to home than you are looking.

He FORGOT?!

Jeez.

I think that before you do anything else you need to sit down alone and decide how YOU want to proceed.

What relationship do YOU want your DS to have with his GP's and what boundaries do you want to put into place.

For a start I would be putting a stop to any unsupervised contact with the GP's and would also tell them that unannounced visits to the house need to stop.

Make a list and then sit down with your DP (or is he your DH?) and explain to him how you intend to proceed. He will either support you or he won't but you then need to set boundaries in place with the IL's.

It was unforgivable not to let them know about the christening and I can't believe that your DP didn't make sure that they were included in the plans, you both need to apologise to them for that but your DP needs to take the lead here.

With regards to the rest of the family and the infighting, I would steer clear to be honest.

RJ, I've tried grilling him about, asking, arguing, begging but he says the same, "I forgot, I'm sorry." That's it, he won't say anymore, if I push it ends in a fight.

Muriel currently I do stay away from the rest of the family with PIL's DH and I have apologised and explained that he really did forget but it goes in one ear and out the other, FIL still openly blames me and my family for MIL not being there.

Currently I don't want them to baby sit of have DS over night but they want this and DP sees nothing wrong with that so that conversation goes in circles until it ends in a fight with him and I.

Did you post about MIL when you were pregnant?I remember a similar post about overnight stays, bed bugs etc. You dp seemed unwilling then to support you by dealing with his family.

Make it your rule that ds won't be staying at anyone's over night but that you are happy to have visits. Don't leave mil alone with ds.

There is NO excusing your dp forgetting to invite his family though.

They sound controlling. I hate it when parents continue excusing their grown up children for their mistakes.

I also hate it when they expect the woman to organise birthday, Christmas anniversary cards etc - therefore excusing their own son from their duties as their offspring.

I have a DS - and would never blamed anyone else for his behaviour.

DP is your main problem here, not the PiL.

He is unwilling to take charge of managing the relationship between his family (you & DS) and his parents. However, he has no choice, that's his role.

You need to make it crystal clear to him that unless he pulls his finger out, this could be a deal breaker for you, in which case you will both (you & DS) go NC with the PIL.

Otherwise, nothing will ever get properly resolved and you will be forever the scapegoat for whatever the PIL choose throw at you.

Twice a week is too much for them to be coming round. You certainly shouldn't be making yourself absent in your own home to accommodate them.

If this was me ( and I have had ils with no respect for personal space ) I would cut the visits to once a week and tell them to phone before they come round in case it isn't convenient. You will need to be quite blunt but if you are not they will walk all over you. They blame you for everything anyway, so you might as well stop fretting about their feelings (they don't fret about yours) and start organising your life to be how you want it.

Your dp sounds weak. I get that he is a product of his upbringing and it's hard to break away from that but you have to stand your ground or ridk being steamrollered by their craziness.

I also hate it when they expect the woman to organise birthday, Christmas anniversary cards etc - therefore excusing their own son from their duties as their offspring.

Agree. They want to make you the bad guy. And before confronting your ils you and your oh need to agree to present a united front.

Stop pushing it. He forgot. What else can he say.

It's not your fault. You wasn't in charge of dealing with his parents. Again- it's not your fault.

Don't worry about future baby sitting , deal with that when it arises. All you need to say is "No".

You need to tell DP if he doesn't sort his fsmily out you will go NC with them.

Your home is your personal safe place, if they make you feel uncomfortable - they don't come.

My mil is not allowed here. I'm NC . It took a lot of guts but ultimately DP supported me. Stand your ground and ignore all the bullshit

PP's (sorry! A lot of user names and usually when I'm done replying separately there's more to reply to), it's hard to explain DP other than he refuses to stand up to his dad (who's always very strict military background) and say something to his mother because in his mind she is fragile. I understand this but I'm fighting a losing battle in terms of it all, DP doesn't believe his mum did such a thing even though she did admit to him as well what she was accused of, in terms of the house he's grudgingly accepted that until they clean it is not suitable for DS.

Them having him alone is babysitting is something he wants and what they want and I can't convince him of my reasons (hitting children, the conviction ect) because he doesn't believe it, does that make sense? So currently my situation is leaving or going to bed when they come round because I can't bear the awkwardness since k can't get answers out of DP he claims there is none, I tried to push him only to tell PILs something anything at all or for MIL to start cuddling on the sofa with DS and FIL and calling him her baby...it gets to me in ways it shouldn't do a grown women but it does so much and I feel rotten for it, DP doesn't see anything wrong with it and the fights are making me worse.