PIL huge drama...family falling apart!

[VexiLexi303]

Need a few outside opinions here girls as this is tearing our family apart.

Background: PILs and I had a great close relationship before DS was born albeit MIL being a bit needy, asking to come out on dates with us/dinner/cinema when it was just the two of us. After DS was born honestly it was like a switch flipped for PILs and me.

Everything they did annoyed me when it came to DS and I constantly felt threatened not without reason though, MIL calling DS her baby/her son, constant photos of them and DS every time they're over, badgering me to babysit/over night stays 2 months after birth, MIL cold calling to our house constantly, FIL telling me that he and MIL were coming to visit and constantly after this, spreading around her family that I had a c section even though I told her not, sounds childish but a few family members of hers are very judgemental and as I had a c section because of mental health reasons I wanted no one knowing anyone about it. I still tried to keep up a good relationship with them for the sake of DP though. To make clear I don't let them babysit because their house is a complete tip, his DM is a hoarding and doesn't clean the house, my main concerns about it are the mold, bedbugs and food strewn over the kitchen counter and floors that could attract rats and if DS gets older and I let him stay he could put anything in his mouth or catch anything, I'm not going to keep him in a bubble but mold can be serious and so can bed bugs The next is a conflict of discipline for when DS is older, MIL believes in hitting children, we don't. She claims she will discipline DS whatever way she likes as he is her GS!

If you've made it this far thank you! But this is where things get serious.

It was coming up to DS's christening and DP and I had agreed that he would sort out and invite his family and I would do the same with mine because of previous circumstances and my situation so I thought things would work out. Oh was I wrong, it was about 4 days away from DS's christening, MIL came to my grandmother's house (since we weren't in ours) to drop by some presents for DS, she does this randomly when we're at home aswell. She chatted with my Grandmother and aunt for a while until the fateful question "Are you looking forward to the christening?" Came up, MIL cheerfully informed my DGM and DA that she would be away on a trip to London on such a date then quickly left which I found odd but I didn't question DP until later. DP's father texted him an hour later saying that MIL came home sobbing and in tears because she would be missing DS's christening. It was in that moment I found out that DP had told no one from his family about the christening date so MIL booked a trip away to shop with her sister. We argued and I asked him how could this have happened ? Why didn't he tell them? He said with all the planning he really did forget and because things were going on at work (personal) and the lack of sleep with DS and overtime combined.

Things escalated when FIL started blaming me and my family for this, saying we had done it on purpose so MIL couldn't attend, that we knew she would be out of town which wasn't true! DP explained it was his fault but that didn't matter, my family and I were forever blamed. Soon after MIL's nieces started posting abuse about me on Facebook, in the space of a few house it had been spread around the family, calling me disgusting and pathetic and belittling me and my family, these girls are older women, not teenagers but I ignored them and went back to talking it through with DP.

This went on and on until another member of their family FIL's niece let's call her Wendy (who I am close with and knew what was going on as we had been texting about it) saw the posts and told the other two nieces to piss off and stop being so childish. This caused a fight between the three nieces, things where things were said and secrets were spilled on purpose to hurt Wendy, Wendy does not like MIL at all and since these were MIL's nieces and FIL doesn't get on with said nieces she assumed MIL had spread this secret around her own family.

She called MIL a child abuser, I'd stayed out of it all until then ur hearing something like that after having DS in the picture I needed to know. I asked Wendy what she meant, she explained to me her own mother had witnessed MIL hit her children across the head for the stupidest reasons such as walking too slow and other things.

I was disgusted and wrecked over the whole situation, what I didn't expect was for MIL to come back to my DGM's house to "talk to me about what Wendy said". She clearly didn't know what exactly Wendy had told me and went on to admit that she had been accused of hitting a child in a previous job but she can't remember if she did and if she did that she is very sorry?! I asked Wendy about this and she said she never knew about it.

Needless to say after this whole situation I can't be around PIL's and I'm even worse off with even thinking about letting them babysit. DP thinks I'm BU...could you all please tell me if I am and what you would do in terms of babysitting and this PIL situation? It's killing DP and I and ruining the moments that are meant to be happy with our first baby.

Kick, I suppose that's the problem isn't it? I love DP for all his good points more than his bad, he's the same with me. I've accepted that his attitude to his parents will always be like this but I can't accept the fights that it will always start, so it really is a never ending circle.

Bitter I know the feeling, I endured before I had DS for DP's sake now is s whole new kettle of fish with DS involved.

If you're not going to leave him there's not much you can do except ignore it as much as possible. Tell him you want to know nothing, cut contact, don't engage with any discussion on babysitting except to say no. Be willing to listen if/when he starts to see what they are like and wants to talk about it.

In all honesty your in laws don't sound too awful they don't sound awful at all. Their hygiene standards aren't up to yours and your MIL dotes on her grandson. That's about as much as i got from your post.

Your 'd'h is entirely the one at fault here. And possibly you're a tad pfb.

Your mil sounds difficult but not inviting her to her grand son's baptism is one of those very hard things to forgive. She'll blame you because surely her own son wouldn't do that?! I would be devastated if I meant so little to my grown up child that they forgot to include me in such a special day. Your dh has caused a lot of upset. You don't forget something like that and quite honestly being tired isn't good enough an excuse - we had dd1 age 3 and twin daughter's. The twins were 6 months old when christened and believe me we were tired but through that tiredness we invited guests and I made enough lasagne for 50 guests. Dh also has a tough job and at the time had a long commute.
Personally I would be meeting mil for a coffee and talk. not in an argument way. Dh should really do it but if it was me and he'd messed up this badly I wouldn't trust him to sort it (I'm very controlling so this is probably just me).
Make it very clear that dh is responsible for his family birthday cards etc so if anyone gets forgotten they need to talk to him.
Re babysitting - just make sure mil is invited to occasions when you'll be there so she's still seeing him and if it is mentioned you say "if anyone smacked my dc I'd call the police" - very clear.

It's clear from your posts that you want to work this out with your DH but he needs to see things from your point of view.

If he doesn't listen to you is there anyone else he will listen to? Perhaps the vicar or the niece you mentioned? Failing that perhaps some relationship counselling might be a good idea. Because once this problem has blown over there will be another and then another and that's not going to do you or your DS any good.

Agree with m0therofdragons about the coffee. It's not down to you to apologise but you could be the better person, it sounds like DP is torn.
But make it clear that baby is too young for overnight stays and avoid unsupervised visits.
And is it that bad for someone to cold call your phone and bring round presents?

Kick the problem is I don't think he will ever see it or believe it's which is what I'm finding hard to deal with because the hitting is a danger I can't ignore.

Turning I understand that certain bits of my annoyances and worries are PFB but bed bugs and mould aren't just not up to my standards, it's dangerous to a baby. MIL has hit her children and others in a work sitting, not spanking but hitting a child so hard across the head that they fall and she "can't remember" if she did or not, that is a red flag to me because if she lays a finger on my DS and there's no bruise to prove it I'll have failed at protecting him. Call me biased because of past abuse but I'm not willing to let that happen to him. DP is at fault for the christening yes but he didn't make them blame me and continue to insult and belittle myself and my family or have a public attack on me, it was MIL and FIL spreading it about the family.

M0ther MIL blames me and refuses to see other wise, when I invited them round when DP was at work it was brought up to clear the air and she refused to listen and let FIL go on and on at me. DP has told them constantly and so have I that is was his mistake but the message doesn't get through.

One the on going fights and what it will do to DS is the thing that I'm most afraid of hence why I've tried to get DP to try to see my view or talk to his parents but none of it seems to be working. They won't listen to me because they blame me and won't listen to DP because they don't believe he could do this on his own, I still have to kick him out of bed for work or else he would sleep on

If I was you then there was no way I would leave my child alone with the PFB or not. Even if you were to use smacking as a form of discipline, it is actually agains the law for anyone else other than the parents to smack without your permission.

Marriage counselling? If your oh doesnt listen to you maybe he will listen to a neutral party.

IFinished, I've tried to talk to them. They won't listen because they blame me, the last time I invited them round without DP resulted in a fight. I'm not complaining about MIL bringing round presents, I was complaining about the fact that she shows up without calling first to check if it's alright or I'm not busy. That's my issues because I could be tired, cleaning, not dressed or all of the above but she would have still called round and stayed for hours. Yes this stopped after the christening incident but I'm just explaining to make it clear

vexi you need to take some control over your own life. DP is not going to be your knight in shining armour . He is going to keep his head down and not ruffle any feathers regardless if your getting ill over it.

Your an adult and you need to take responsibility of your own shit. You both rent the house so you get to decided who comes in.

I would start by saying to DP you dont want PIL at your home. You need breathing space. As an adult you have every right to choose who you want to be around. You have to be firm here. It maybe a 'them or me' situation but I'd go with it. Your MH is suffering through this so I'd deal with it now.

You don't want them at the house.
If he insists they can- he can move in with them
This isn't up for discussion.
You have to stand up for your self here as no one else is. No crying, no tears. He will never change if he gets his own way all the time will he?

Hold up. Mil has a conviction for hitting a child?!

If I've read that right (and that's what it says) then that puts a whole load of extra shit on top of an already shitty situation. You don't get a conviction without either a) pleading guilty or b) being found guilty beyond reasonable doubt so all this "dp doesn't believe she's capable of it" stuff is even worse because she did do it and there's really nothing to believe or not.

Ok, didn't see that you had already sat down with them and they gave you a hard time.

Only thing then that I can think of (if you want them to have any kind of relationship with your son) is a last ditch letter to them. Put it it all out in a letter with how you feel (regrets and expectaions etc) and let them mull it over with no chance of a confrontation and fight breaking out. If they can't accept your explanations, feelings and conditions and try and put it all behind you all and start again - then there will be no contact. Obviously your husband needs to be on board.

You really need to just step back from this. Don't even try to get some kind of change if mind from your PIL or your DP.

Don't engage, don't even speak about it. MiL is a child abuser and lying about it and accusing others to keep attention off herself.

Keep clear, don't engage, don't speak about it.

BUT more worrying for you is your DP. You are not his mother and it is not your job to cure him. He is an adult, although he sounds like a child in denial still. If he can't overcome this and start acting like an adult then you will never have a good relationship with him. If he refuses to even acknowledge that MIL may have done the things that she did, then he could end up parenting in a similar way to her.he could also go the opposite way and be very detached and inconsequential in his child's life.

Op, you sound very vulnerable in many ways. Who do you have in RL to support you? Would you consider asking for help in trying to keep PIL away from your child? If your DP takes DC to visit them without you, then it is highly likely that not only will your DC be emotionally and physically abused, but that they will then ALL collude in denying it, even your DP.

Apart from the hitting situation I don't think anything else is that bad tbh. It's awful your DH "forgot" to invite them to the christening, can't imagine how hurt they must have been. So yes your problem is your DH.

Fuck that for a laugh. Your dp messed up, yes but none of that matters, your mil hit a child at work?
Don't leave her alone with your baby.
The rest will sort itself out in time, she will have to get per the christening thing, although i can see why that would upset her.
But they sound like a bunch of twunts.

I am you but several months down the line.

Initially THE problem was your in laws, but YOUR problem is your dp, and will remain so whatever boundaries you set, whether you go no contact or not.

You know he didn't "forget" to tell his family about the christening. You were probably just as tired, but you didn't forget. But you know what, his family, his problem.

My dp has been unable/unwilling/ whatever to support me. He has said and done things I cannot move on from. Our relationship, previously very happy and settled, is broken, and I have asked him to leave. We have children.

Please don't become us. Tell your dp that it's his family and he needs to sort it out to the extent that you two can live in peace as a couple. If he can't do it your relationship will fail, maybe not this week or next month, but eventually it will be so corrupted you won't be able to remember how things used to be.

I took control initially by going no contact. But if there's no support and you're not in it together the situation colours everything.

Sorry to be the voice of doom, but you've got to get tough and lay it on the line - with your dp, not your in laws, they're for him to deal with.

Good luck. Fight for your relationship, not with your inlaws, they're not worth it.

After reading over everything I'd like to thank all you for all the help and opinions. My own family support me and I'm able to talk to them about this but I wanted outside views to see how others would react and if anyone feels similar. Now I'm going to tell DP either he sits down and talks to his parents explaining everything, from the christening to babysitting or I walk. I'd like him to tell PILs that their house is not baby proofed for DS and because of MIL's history I'm not comfortable with them minding him. With the christening I'd like him to explain to them that FIL had no right to insult myself and my family the way he did, yes it hurt MIL but that's no reason to treat us like shite, if they do or don't accept it is up to them but they need to understand how it has made me feel and how out of order MIL nieces were. If after this is explained they want to talk I will talk t out with them and see how it goes from their.

Good start op but be prepared for him to not physically be able to do this. They are his parents and has known a life time of this so won't see it as much as you.

Remember - you co rent your home. Your home is your safe place. If you don't want them around till it's sorted - say it. And be prepared to say it yourself.

I live in DP house but he seen how much his mother was effecting me and agreed for her to not to be allowed round till she admitted what she doing. They day she does that will be a cold day in hell and that suits me fine.

I have a nightmare MIL and the thing you need more than anything is DP to support you. If he really feels you were being unreasonable then perhaps it would be best to be civil and just minimise contact. It's not your fault though and I would be seriously upset if he didn't support me in your case.

Are you sure DP forgot and it wasn't actually deliberate, he got caught out and won't admit it?

I must be missing the point? From what you have written I gather that you don't particularly like these people and would like to limit the contact they have with your child. Your husband consciously / sub-consciously thinks the same and didn't include them in the invitations to the christening. Job done! They will stay away and you get some peace.

Uuf, I am a grandmother now and I used to smack my dd when she was little, but I think, even if it is your own child, it has always been illegal to hit children around the head because the danger this implies. Moreover my dd does not believe in hitting but even if she did, I would never take it upon myself to announce that I have a right to hit her daughter.

Did she hit your Dh during his childhood?

This is going to come down to your dp making a choice between supporting you,or his mother. He may need counselling to get there. I think counselling for you as a couple and him individually would be a good idea.