PIL huge drama...family falling apart!

[VexiLexi303]

Need a few outside opinions here girls as this is tearing our family apart.

Background: PILs and I had a great close relationship before DS was born albeit MIL being a bit needy, asking to come out on dates with us/dinner/cinema when it was just the two of us. After DS was born honestly it was like a switch flipped for PILs and me.

Everything they did annoyed me when it came to DS and I constantly felt threatened not without reason though, MIL calling DS her baby/her son, constant photos of them and DS every time they're over, badgering me to babysit/over night stays 2 months after birth, MIL cold calling to our house constantly, FIL telling me that he and MIL were coming to visit and constantly after this, spreading around her family that I had a c section even though I told her not, sounds childish but a few family members of hers are very judgemental and as I had a c section because of mental health reasons I wanted no one knowing anyone about it. I still tried to keep up a good relationship with them for the sake of DP though. To make clear I don't let them babysit because their house is a complete tip, his DM is a hoarding and doesn't clean the house, my main concerns about it are the mold, bedbugs and food strewn over the kitchen counter and floors that could attract rats and if DS gets older and I let him stay he could put anything in his mouth or catch anything, I'm not going to keep him in a bubble but mold can be serious and so can bed bugs The next is a conflict of discipline for when DS is older, MIL believes in hitting children, we don't. She claims she will discipline DS whatever way she likes as he is her GS!

If you've made it this far thank you! But this is where things get serious.

It was coming up to DS's christening and DP and I had agreed that he would sort out and invite his family and I would do the same with mine because of previous circumstances and my situation so I thought things would work out. Oh was I wrong, it was about 4 days away from DS's christening, MIL came to my grandmother's house (since we weren't in ours) to drop by some presents for DS, she does this randomly when we're at home aswell. She chatted with my Grandmother and aunt for a while until the fateful question "Are you looking forward to the christening?" Came up, MIL cheerfully informed my DGM and DA that she would be away on a trip to London on such a date then quickly left which I found odd but I didn't question DP until later. DP's father texted him an hour later saying that MIL came home sobbing and in tears because she would be missing DS's christening. It was in that moment I found out that DP had told no one from his family about the christening date so MIL booked a trip away to shop with her sister. We argued and I asked him how could this have happened ? Why didn't he tell them? He said with all the planning he really did forget and because things were going on at work (personal) and the lack of sleep with DS and overtime combined.

Things escalated when FIL started blaming me and my family for this, saying we had done it on purpose so MIL couldn't attend, that we knew she would be out of town which wasn't true! DP explained it was his fault but that didn't matter, my family and I were forever blamed. Soon after MIL's nieces started posting abuse about me on Facebook, in the space of a few house it had been spread around the family, calling me disgusting and pathetic and belittling me and my family, these girls are older women, not teenagers but I ignored them and went back to talking it through with DP.

This went on and on until another member of their family FIL's niece let's call her Wendy (who I am close with and knew what was going on as we had been texting about it) saw the posts and told the other two nieces to piss off and stop being so childish. This caused a fight between the three nieces, things where things were said and secrets were spilled on purpose to hurt Wendy, Wendy does not like MIL at all and since these were MIL's nieces and FIL doesn't get on with said nieces she assumed MIL had spread this secret around her own family.

She called MIL a child abuser, I'd stayed out of it all until then ur hearing something like that after having DS in the picture I needed to know. I asked Wendy what she meant, she explained to me her own mother had witnessed MIL hit her children across the head for the stupidest reasons such as walking too slow and other things.

I was disgusted and wrecked over the whole situation, what I didn't expect was for MIL to come back to my DGM's house to "talk to me about what Wendy said". She clearly didn't know what exactly Wendy had told me and went on to admit that she had been accused of hitting a child in a previous job but she can't remember if she did and if she did that she is very sorry?! I asked Wendy about this and she said she never knew about it.

Needless to say after this whole situation I can't be around PIL's and I'm even worse off with even thinking about letting them babysit. DP thinks I'm BU...could you all please tell me if I am and what you would do in terms of babysitting and this PIL situation? It's killing DP and I and ruining the moments that are meant to be happy with our first baby.

Your dp forgot?
That says a lot more is going on there, is he trying to use you as the buffer between him and his parents because just does not sound right at all
Who forgets to invite your own parents to their grand child's christening?
I would sit down with dp and try and get to the bottom of this and then you need to disengage from his family stop letting it get to you it is not your fault

Tell them all to fuck off. Block them on fb. What have you got to lose? Nothing. you are the bad guy already.

have you told d'p how you feel?

What is he going to do to make it up to his mother?

Apologies does no good in this royal fuck up. He needs to make amends asap.

I had to tell dp I was ready for walking and I really was. He sat up and listened then. I know how you feel, I've been sat up at 4am over thinking things - it can really get you in a bad place .

Mojo, that's what I've said to him, you don't just forget something like this, we've talked about it so much we've fought because he won't give me anything else other than that, it's so the thing he continues to say to PILs.

Red I've blocked the rest of the family and have no contact with them, it's just the situation with PILs left.

Joy I've told DP 100s of times, he understands with how I feel but doesn't agree with the reasons why I feel that way, I've broken down crying and it's still the same result.

My he's told me he's said sorry to his mother but that's about it. He hasn't done anything else that she told him to drop it

I find it bizarre that your DH forgot to invite them, and still hadn't realised with 4 days to go.

Your in-laws sounds awful the nieces poisonous they would have permantly burned bridges with me after a public slagging match.

I'm not sure why you are suprised about the abuse allegations you said yourself she uses violence as a means of discipline and had said she would do as she pleases.

I would sit down with your DH to make some ground rules up such as

1. She apologise to you. It must be made clear no more second chances he treats you like this again you and DC will go NC.
2. She is NEVER to hit your DS if she does she will see him again.

It must be made explicitly clear to her that you have certain expectations and if she ignores them then she is the one that looses out.

So you need to push on with the next step. YOU tell them how you feel (I had to do this) or you go and stay with some one else till dp realises just how bad you feel.

He isn't listening to you right now. He is keeping him self safe and leaving you to STFU.

I was shaking when I tild mil how I felt but it took along time to get there. She bullied me mercilessly when pregnant but when I had dd I really got my mamma bear on (Naff I know)

Who owns the house you live in?

I agree with RJ - the inlaws are clearly nightmares but the real problem is your DP.

• He isn't standing up to his family
• He hasn't set boundaries
• He fcked up with the christening thing and he hasn't made enough effort to make it right

They sound a funny bunch but having said that I feel sorry for MIL finding out about the Christening like that. It would have felt like a slap in the face, your family all cosy chatting about it and her knowing nothing. Seriously she is in your house twice a week and it never came up? That seems strange to me but in the end your husband should have invited them.

I couldn't handle the stress.

Rules: your family can see ds only if you are present.

I am not going to discuss this situation with you anymore and nor do I want to spend time with them. I would prefer it if you could visit their house with ds.

Whilst at their house please make sure he isnt exposed to mould, bedbugs or rotten food.

I remember mil saying to dd that she would smack her bum if she carried on doing somthing and I replied 'yes and mummy will smack nanna nasty if she dares' - and added a little titter after it. She never said it again. Funny that

Did MIL missing the Christening? That would be a hard one to put right in my book. I think everything is a bit mixed up. Obviously you don't want them on their own with baby or baby staying at their house but if you do want the baby to know grandparents you and DH have some fences to mend about the Christening.

I wouldn't let them babysit or be alone with the baby or even meet up with them. Firstly because she hits children. Secondly she has spread malicious rumours making you look bad when in fact DH not informing mil about the christening was his fault.

Just because you have a vagina doesn't mean its your responsibility to deal with his family's invites/gifts etc. it's his family, his responsibility.

He needs to apologise properly to the whole of his family and particularly mil for not informing them. He needs to take the blame. Mil and cousins need to apologise to you and mean it. Mil needs to promise to leave the disciplining to you/DH and promise not to hit your child. Dh needs to promise them that if they ever hit your child, they will never see any of you again.

Surely if she told him to drop it when he apologised that should be the end of the drama? Or did she mean 'stop talking about it so I can nurse my rage and carry on blaming Vexi? In which case, dropping it achieves nothing. He's being cowardly (but probably carrying on the family dynamic) by refusing to 'drop it' until she accepts it wasn't your fault. Seems to me your DH is the key to any truce, uneasy as any truce is likely to be.

They wouldn't be seeing the kids if they didn't apologise

I can understand much of their behaviour being annoying to you but it mostly sounds like doting GPS being a bit OTT and who haven't settled down or worked out some ground rules yet.

Many parents used to hit their children, mine did. It's not that unusual but something you need to discuss with them regarding how you want things to be with your children. Again, sit down - apologies all round and make it clear how you want things to go on from now regarding babysitting, discipline and over night stays etc.

I meant he's being cowardly by not refusing to drop it.

Little, I've told DP that, that you don't just forget but he refuses to say anything else and just drops it or if I push a fight results. I suppose I was surprised because I never thought she would do something in a professional sitting? I've told DP that she is never to lay a finger on DS but since she "can't remember" if she did hit the child it worries me that she will do the same with DS and I won't find out if there's no marks or he's too young to tell me. I've had a past with such abuse and to think of my DS go through it kills me.

Joy, I've told DP so many times that I'm going to leave he doesn't take it seriously, mostly because I don't and that's my problem, my anxiety kicks in and any confidence I had slides away, it's only when I see DS I tell DP to sort this, he says there's nothing to sort and I admit I'm terrified of talking to PILs because MIL doesn't say anything, she let FIL go off at me for the christening.

Currently we rent and are saving for a deposit, we are both on the rental agreement.

Ay I know DP is the main problem here, but it's like nothing will make him stand up to his father for me or tell his mother no, I've tried and tried I'm running out

Granny I know how it sounds but I expected DP to tell them because I'm not around them, I trusted him to sort it because of everything else. The christening was not my mess or mistake, I was dealing with my own family. MIL missed it because she went to London to shop, the rest of DP's family, including FIL and nieces attended.

Quite DP doesn't care if I don't see them and I'd let him bring DS to visit but since he grew up with all that ha standards of clean and mine are worlds apart and MiL never cleans up.

I'm finding it really, really hard to believe that is was a total accident that she wasn't told about the Christening. Given how over-invested she is in this baby of yours, did you not find it very odd that she'd never mentioned it to you? What to wear, what to buy your DS, where you were all going afterwards for party?

Not to mention the rest of the family - did you not need RSVPs for numbers?

Cross, we didn't need numbers because our church does numerous christenings together so anyone can show up and sit in the seats behind the parents/god parents. As I've said before our relationship fizzled out after DS, I didn't talk to them about the christening or see them when they came round.

Box, Shot DP, refused to tell me about the talk he had with MIL over this. He said he explained to her it was his fault and that I had nothing to do with it, that he was sorry and would do anything to make up for it but she simply told him to 'drop it' and he did. DP hates drama and conflict so left it as it was.

It sounds like your DP is actually the victim of childhood abuse and completely in denial. Completely forgetting things like that is a symptom if stress/trauma. We all forget things in the moment, but would normally get home and think "oh crap, I'm stupid, I must text them and let them know" not forget completely and utterly for weeks or months. That is very odd.

Also, he sees his mother as fragile when she's clearly not.

Other people saw her hit her kids (presumably him) but he doesn't believe she could ever do that. She admits that she lost a job because of hitting a kid (and yes, she did, her ambiguity is a smoke screen) but he still thinks she's too fragile.

You need to decide what you want from this.

You could just accept that you DH will never face up to how his parents really are, and muddle through as best you can, or you can decide that this is something you need to deal with and face the consequences, which are likely to be quite dramatic.

Don't say you'll leave unless you have your bags packed and the car running. But do you want a few days away! Or ask DH to give you some space? Or just keep on muddling along?

BEDBUGS! No effing wonder he neglected to invite them. That's so bloody minging it's off the scale.

Be glad there's been a rift, so there's no longer any reason why you'd need to have contact with such filthy people.

Who cares what they think? There's no reason on God's earth why those who keep such a filthy home should be paid attention to about anything